Diddy

I am feeling quite faint. Last night I purchased a new Trombone from France!!!! and online. Having never blown the instrument, this is probably very silly and a bit of a gamble, especially as I am now going down a bore size to small (or pea shooter as they are known) and I have never played one before.
In theory, it should not take as much 'puff' but will take some time to get into me thinks.

Of course I then realised I would need a new mouthpiece to fit this smaller model (and probably mutes as well arghhhh! the expense ...you reading this rtw?) So I tried to order one from Germany.

My life is never simple and this is where I had to spend the next 2 hours on the phone to sort out a major problem.

The fraud squad of my Credit Card Company had picked up on it being used abroad and had blocked access to it???
All praise to them for keeping me safe, but it took a heck of amount of security checks to sort it out?

I am impressed that I opened my wallet and I know a friend of mine, who's wallet is made out of the same material as the Black Box of a flight recorder, will be feeling faint at the thought of spending money. But hey, there are no pockets in shrouds you know.

So New Year, New Bone and on that note (get it) Happy New Year to all.

Funky

I donned my vicars cap today. Only the second time in umpteen years of being an Undertaker.
It was a graveside service and all I knew about this person, was that they had been in the RAF and loved Pigeons.
So I told the story of 'Gustav' the Pigeon.

Gustav, was released off the Normandy Coast. On the 150 mile journey, he was faced with 30 mph head winds and no sun to guide him. Yet he flew all the way to a loft in Thorney Island, close to Portsmouth. The journey took him over 5 hours and the poor chap was exhausted.

Gustav was the first of the RAF's Homing Pigeons Service.
Gustav brought news of D Day to the UK!

I hope that the person we buried liked the story and now this is where it gets spooky.

I have done many burials at this Cemetery, but have never seen Pigeons sitting in a tree above a grave.
That was until today!!!!!

Rusks

Straight back in at the deep end today, but it has flown past. Oooop North to a Hospital Mortuary in the Fog and then 2 Funerals to do, plus dressing and preparing etc,

I managed a 30 minute blow last night, but it felt as though my chops belonged to someone else. Nicely lulled into a false sense of security by a few glasses of wobbly juice, I asked the Band if I could try a new bone solo on Sunday!!!!! I must be mad, as it goes quite high, but I seem to be a glutton for punishment with challenges.

A work mates mum is very ill in Hospital. He was astounded therefore, when a nurse came up and said 'Don't get too close, I have a streaming cold'!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My mate is like me and he had some severe words to say to her.

Not heard from my old house yet. I enclosed a photo of my Dad holding me as a baby in the back garden.
There I am...Bald, Wrinkly and with poopy pants???
God!!! I haven't changed a bit!!!!!!!!

Poles

2 stone heavier and much unfitter. Yes my 3 days hol is over folks (did it actually happen???) Many thanks to J and L for the bickies and chocs, very much appreciated. I think I managed to recharge one of my 20 batteries to get me through the next year?
Straight in at the deep end though as I have to conduct a grave side service this week and have to do some research on the Internet to help me find some information.
I have also written a letter to the occupiers of the house I was born in (there is a blue plaque on the wall circa 1892) asking permission to visit it and take some photo's in the garden.
I hope my 'Bat Cave' is still intact? Ok, it was the outside toilet (than goodness I did not have IBS in them days).

I have decided not to make any new year resolutions as thanks to 'IT' I can never seem to keep them, so what will be, will be.

On that note I would like to wish you all a Happy New Year. Ok, I know it's early, but I suffer from Premature Congratulations'!!!!!!

A Claus in the Contract

Well going to take a couple of days of 'Blogging' for the Fester Season.
The last person to catch the cold, was the boss's wife who has been sneezing everywhere today. So that has moved down the line to all members of staff, except me? However, I have convinced myself I have dry throat??????? Only one cure for that then. Loads of beer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A very Merry Chrimbo to all my readers. Thanks you for following my drivel over the past year. The Blog was created mainly as a Therapeutic aid for myself, as I tell everyone who is cursed with the big 'D', to talk and keep talking. So if my words have brought a smile to your face after reading my words, then all is well.

A final word from a Transvestite friend of mine, on when asked what he was going to do over Xmas, replied 'Eat, Drink and be Mary'!!!!

Still Town

Strange thing yesterday.
As I was walking past a shop. This bloke came out and started chucking objects at me?
I realised it was a bottle of milk, a piece of cheese and a tub of yogurt?
I thought 'How very dairy'!!!!

What chance do we stand?
A doctor came to inspect a body today. She had the flu and was going on home visits after visiting the Mortuary.(the Doctor not the body, as that would be weird). Ah poor 93 year old Mrs Scroggins, who was expecting a visit from her and will now get an extra present for Xmas.
. The Doctor examined the body and touched it without the use of gloves!!!! Then left without washing her hands????? Nice.
British Health Care at it's best.

After Xmas, I have to don my Vicars Hat? As a family want as little fuss as possible and a few words saying over the grave. I have been selected (I had no choice as everyone else ran away) and I have to find something non religious. Thank goodness for the Internet.

My thoughts will be for a fellow musician over Xmas, He lost his wife this week and any time would be a bad time, but Xmas is much harder.

I understand, that the Concert I missed on Tuesday, was only a third full. It was announced as a normal night with just a bit of Glenn Miller being played instead of the usual Glenn Miller night, where all tunes are Miller tunes.Looks like folk voted with their feet ,as usually it is packed to the rafters???

Gottcha

In my quest to avoid the coughers, sneezers, hackers and cold ridden people...I may have come a cropper.
I noticed in the back of my Limo, a person who had a streamer (not a coloured ribbon which they were hanging out the window whooping with joy, by the way) and was coughing for England. At the end of the Funeral my worst nightmare.
He came across and shook my hand!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What could I do but shake it back.
Mind you, I did drive the 10 miles back to base, with my arm out the window.
Apparently my frostbite will get better on it's own.

The sad story is, someone claimed the dog and we are pretty sure it is at a not very nice persons house (allegedly) so old Santa got our hopes up, then dashed them to pieces?

I still managed a blow at home last night...but very very gently.

Hodges

I have the trots? How lovely is that? Not had a drink for a month, changed my diet and still getting loads of reading done in the khazi. IBS stands for Irritable Bowel Syndrome. But I think it means Inconvenient Bloody S***s!!!

However, my day was brightened when a neighbour who lives near work, brought a lost dog in. She was lovely. The Boss's son said he would keep her if no one owned her, but we all wanted a share. We all gave her a bit of our dinners (Dry Cream Crackers from me...see my diet is bland) and then when our backs were turned, she gave the boss a Yule Tide Log of her own on his office floor!!!
We had to call the Dog Warden, who scanned her and unfortunately she was chipped (she had mange as well so not very well looked after) We were told that if no one came forward then my boss could keep the dog so we all have our fingers crossed, that she belongs to a drug pushing skank who does not want her back???

Not playing tonight. I figure that blowing with the poo's ain't constructive to the audience or the section???

Lulu

I went to a flea market on my own yesterday, to buy some industrial size party poppers. I usually go with my partner but she was at a Carol Service (I had done church once already), I thought I would be Billy no Mates and have a coffee and bun while I was there. As I joined the Queue, I noticed the girl serving had a terrible cold!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I waited in line and I was next but one to be served. Then the girl sneezed and wiped her nose on the back of her hand whilst continuing to serve the customer in front. Did I want Mucus on my Chelsea Bun I pondered? Did I want snot in my Latte, I deliberated? Did I want this bug ridden lady to serve me....... I legged it.

Last Dance of 2010 last night and for the first 20 minutes we had no mic's or pa system. My partner said that a couple had remarked that the Band sounded natural without the sound coming out of the speakers??? However you would never have a vocal number again if that was the case.

My work mate is off with the flu today. It did however start on Thursday so he came into work whilst it was most catchable.
Ah it's the thought that counts.

Snot Funny

I don't consider myself selfish? Ok I do rush back in Tuxedo Junction and try and sit on the prettiest girls knee. But the other Trombones have cottoned on to that and it's now like Wacky Races as we leg it back through the audience to avoid sitting on the chubby ones lap, who you know will possibly grope you!!
I am also selfish when it comes to avoiding coughs and colds and more so coming up to Holiday Period. Despite my partner getting the Flu, then her Mum, then all at work...I have ducked and dived and still do not have the bug. But the final battle plans were drawn up when I was asked to attend church this morning. Now I go to church almost every day (it comes with the job?) so I tried to wriggle my way out,as I knew it was going to be full of Girls' Brigade special forces. However it was a 40th presentation, so I had to go. My worst nightmare became reality as I sat amongst 20 snotty, coughing, sneezing girlies!!!! I tried to hold my breath for the whole hour, but only managed a paltry 30 seconds (pathetic for a bone player) so there was no escape? So now I have to wait 2 days to see if they have got me with the lurgy!
Merry Christmas Bah!!!

Back to Backs

On the drive down to 'Brummie' land last night I asked my mate what he would do if the world were to end in 60 minutes time.
He replied 'Have sex with anything that moved' He asked me what I would do. I replied
'Stand extremely still'!!!!!!

Last night's Concert/Dance was in the biggest building I had ever seen. It only seemed to have one door though and no access for cars to get to and took us twenty minutes to get in?
The acoustics were really dead and it was a hard blow. So much so, one of the sax players split a reed and has been nick named 'Tweety'
Also the audience were of mature years and were ready for their Horlicks and nightgowns well before the end. Good blow though even though it was a Friday. On the way back, the Sat Nag decided it would take us around the same block of buildings a number of times by repeatedly saying 'Turn Left'??
We finally broke free from the Black Country and made our way back to home in the early hours of the morning.

This photo has turned up on the Internet after many years.
It was taken in Madrid and I can only assume it was taken. just after the week that I went without sleep????

Getting the horn

I am a typical bloke. If I ignore the pain it might go away???
Only it hasn't and the chances of me getting a dental appointment before Xmas ,are about as good, as getting a Chrimbo card off rtw. It hasn't helped that a coffin I was carrying bounced off my jaw as well.
So, as I am like a bear with a sore bonce, I revelled at the chance to sound my horn for 30 seconds at the motorist who was blocking the main road, trying to get to the shops. It took me 12 long months to get the council to put a sign up, saying this is forbidden. So I let go with full photon torpedoes until they moved. Very satisfying.

What do you call 5 dogs without balls????


The Spice Girls!!!

Ho Ho have I got a suprise for you!!!!

A woman rushes into a Police station and cries 'Help I have been molested by a Trombone player'!!!
The Policeman asks' How do you know it was a trombone player Madam?'
'I had to help him' she replies!!!!

I have heard it all now. A work mate is playing Santa for the next 2 nights (they are saving on money as he does not need padding)
He is CRB checked and everything.
However he is not allowed to sit a child on his lap!!!!!!
Apparently that goes for all Santa's. Well done the PC brigade.

It was a first today, as we carried into the the tune of Pennsylvania 65000. Trouble is, I got a dirty look for shouting out the telephone number in the chorus.
Tsk some of these mourners have no sense of humour!

Mash

I noticed, in the second half of the Concert last last night. A particularly high and heavy Trombone solo.
I was impressed that the lead player did not even have a quick blow through in the break. I would have been s******g myself up to the point of playing it and would have had a quick run through.
But no. he stood up and played it.........and completely lost it.
Bless him, he is a great player but this solo is written by a sadist who probably did not like trombone players. I would still give a fortune for an ounce of this trombonists talents though and it certainly wasn't his fault. In fact it exonerated me for all the times I have cocked it up....with practice as well?

I still fail to see how a whole section of the Band can be 3 beats behind everyone else in a number last night and be blissfully unaware, despite other band members glaring at them???? In a bubble me thinks.

We have had no Funerals up to now, but tomorrow have to squeeze 3 in.

I try and feed the fox's every night. Last night I bought a Family size Sausage hot Pot from a well known freezer company. I knew I could not eat all of it and left some out for the Fox's
This morning it was still there, untouched by these clever animals. Congealed and looking like something from the bottom of a sewer I have had to scrape it from my lawn with a chisel.
No wonder my guts are playing up today???

Dog Gone

Jumped at the chance of looking after my neighbours dog while they are on a course. It's an old mutt that has had a stroke and I did not foresee any problems?
I left the dog downstairs whilst I used my training equipment, but was disturbed by a loud rustling sound?
I had already given this pooch it's tea so was fascinated what she was doing.
Turns out she had her nose in the bag that contained Hamster food and had scoffed the lot!!!!
She then proceeded to stare at me whilst I ate my tea as well??? with a long line of dribble making its way slowly to my carpet. As I went to wipe her dangling dribble, she nicked some Turkey off the side of my plate, which then put me off the rest of my tea, as I now had got dog snot all over my Aunt Bessie's Roast Taters (don't they feed this dog??)
Only another 4 nights to go with it. That is, if the food holds out.

Hopefully back to playing tonight. Sound's as though it is the lull before the storm though, as the Winter weather is heading back in and we have quite a distance to travel this weekend to play.

One of my work mates is on his 32nd cold of the year and he likes to sneeze everywhere. He never exercises and is overweight and his really unhealthy so probably will outlive me. because, believe me, I have worked out from this job, that life ain't one bit fair.

Lifes a gas

The myth that coffins are reused after being taken into a Crematorium has just been strengthened by someone getting hold of the wrong end of the stick!!! By law, a body taken into a crematorium, should be cremated within 24 hours. The body is not taken out of the coffin and transported away in the middle of the night for reuse!!! like some people think.

However. One Crematorium lost all their gas supply due to a leak outside. It could not be repaired for 72 hours and so families were contacted who, that day, had been to the service. They were informed of the problem and told that the coffins would be returned to the respective undertakers until the problem was fixed. Of course, some nosy old git, saw the coffins being loaded onto removal vehicles. Put 2 and 2 together and made 8. They then contacted the press, who published, what she thought was happening. Do you know what...some folk will still believe its true. Had a night off blowing last night but it's like an alcoholic craving a drink....I got withdrawal symptoms.

Rip Van Wallet

Second night of the Concert and me old mate was due to pick me up at 7pm. He decided though, that at 4pm he would have a 10 minute kip on the old sofa. With the radio lulling him into dreamland in the background, he slowly opened his eyes after 10 minutes, to hear the 7 o'clock news on his crystal set!!!!!!!!!!.
Now he lives half an hour away so it was no mean feat to get to me and to the Concert venue half an hour away. I have to say, that with no chance of a 10 minute warm up, I played better than the night before???? A lesson there somewhere me thinks.

I managed to discharge the industrial pyrotechnic into the audience last night.
With a massive BOOM it discharged it's contents into the first 2 rows wine and beer and completely covered the tables. I must find more of these as they are brill!!!. A total success me thinks.

Pull (if only)

I would never describe myself as a Binge drinker.
I mean, I have never drank a bottle of Binge in one go.

The start of the Xmas Concert season last night. It is always hard to get motivated on a Friday after just finishing work. In fact one of the musicians went for a kip in the interval, making use of an old sofa in the dressing room.
Every year the Band let off small part poppers in a number called Rocking Around the Christmas tree. I managed to get hold of a couple of industrial ones. By rights you should wear goggles and a helmet to set it off. However, for some unknown reason' it would not fire???
We took it into the corridor in the break and finally it discharged with a mighty bang and a ton of streamers.
I then spent the whole interval, hoovering up the mess it had made? I will have another go tonight, and hope that I don't kill one of the audience members.
Talking of big bangs. I once went clay pigeon shooting in Germany. The picture above is of me trying to hold the shotgun in the correct position, so it would not rip my shoulder off.
I did get it wrong once and boy did it sting.
Last night was the first time I had not had a Xmas drink in years. In fact I have not had a beer in 3 weeks, mainly to see if it made any impact on my tum and mood. I can quite categorically report, that I have just wasted 3 weeks? Ah well, the fight goes on.

Ich Been Fed up

Busy weekend of playing coming up and already feel tired out before we start??? I think this weather brings out the worse in some people and they get extremely niggly? I know my mood has gone down, but I do try to keep it together and not upset folk, by just keeping quiet.
Been on hospital removals today and on auto pilot. We let a couple of people in who were not Funeral Directors, but close family member who were collecting a relatives body and doing the Funeral themselves, without the aid of a Funeral Director. Fair play to them, and fair play to the person who had passed on as his ashes were being scattered on my favourite coastline of Whitby.

For all you Corrie fans out there.
Which Football team do Coronation Street support????

It has to be .......

Tramnear Rovers .....Aye thank you.

Picture above for my old mate rtw. It is a festive scene took over the wall at Check point Charlie into East Berlin........Merry Grimble,

Rip Van Doberman

My Boss and his missus have a cleaner who owns an Horse (not a joke) The horse hates going in the stable in Winter, so she has to put a sedative in it's feed to cut it's anxiety levels down. Trouble is, a neighbour came to visit with his dog. The dog eats everything and anything and he saw the feed and helped itself. The dog has been laying with its legs in the air for the past 2 days...sound asleep! Apparently the vet says he will be fine and well rested?

A chap was convinced, that the space under the Hearse was to put another coffin if we were running late????? His mind was put at rest as under the hearse we carry a trolley for wheeling heavy bodies and we sometimes put flowers under there and sometimes my sandwiches!!!

I did bury 3 bodies in an hour once though and all in one run, using the Hearse and a private ambulance. They were environmental Funerals. People who had no friends or family (at least, none that wanted to come forward and pay for a proper Funeral. Of course if there had been a will they would have flocked around) A minister was present at each, but it was very sad.

Chief chip maker McDonalds

I have been an undertaker for many years now. I can honestly say that most of the things I see, I have not give a second thought to, after the incident. However we were called to a house removal by the Coroner last week. The person had committed suicide, of which, I have attended many. This time though, the person had tried 3 different ways to kill themselves. The third time they were successful. The mess that was left was not very nice. But it was not that, that prayed on my mind. The house was cold and bare and the person was so alone. So desperate to end it all, that they almost mutilated their own body. We are in the 21st Century and there still seems to be no compassion and warmth, where this person could have turned to for real help. I really don't know the circumstances,but I am sure Depression took a large part in this person deciding to end it all. I felt so sad and wish I could have talked to them and extended a helping hand. Sad, but unfortunately over the Winter months there will be more. More money should be poured into research and a real cure, other than medication.

The students are protesting again about fee's. As I understand it, they do not have to be repaid until the student has a job??? Well sorry, I think University these days is a Government con to keep the unemployment figures down. They have introduced obscure subjects that you can study a whole 3 years for and at the end a job does not exist to cater for this knowledge. I mean, who wants to employ a student who has done a 3 year course in belly button fluff through the ages???

Rats

So a chap that was not in work today, came into work and sat with us to tell us all about his chest infection. He was hacking and snotting away for 20 minutes in the rest room. Was I in the same room...nope. I preferred the relative bug free comfort of the -1 coffin shop. I mean, did a resident of Eyam knock on a neighbours door and say 'Will you take a quick look at this big black spot on my chest, oooh and I have a bit of a cough as well'???
Well yes probably, judging by the spread of the disease. I fear I am losing my one man battle to educate people in the reduction of spreading diseases.

Up the loft again last night, trying to get a bit more heating around my cold water tank. A friends neighbour came home to find his ceiling collapsed and a mini version of Niagara Falls coming down his stairs!!!!!

10 minutes of blowing last night as it felt like sticking my lips on my frozen car door brrrrrr!!!

Ice to see you

Great to get back to a proper blow last night, although my lip knew about it at the end of the session. It's ok 'blowing' at home but it does not give you all the stamina for a full blown Concert.

Once again the temperature has dropped and I am ducking and diving from those that have colds and flu. I don't stand a chance really, as most folk come as close as they can to tell you that they are ill????

Life is pretty miserable at this time with no work on, I am stuck in the freezing coffin shop and it's grim. A work mate also noticed that one side of my jaw had swollen slightly (hard to tell with all these chins) and is no doubt due to this rogue tooth. So although I am pretty cheesed off at this time, I am still laughing in the face of adversity...I mean what else can you do?

I woke up with a huge hangover this morning. Well, when your belly is as big as mine, it has to go somewhere?

Sussies

I had a dream in full technicolour last night. Mind you, it might have been a pigment of my imagination!!!

I went to the bank and took out a second mortgage yesterday. This was so I could afford to pay the admission price to the Cinema? I also smuggled in some snacks, as the prices at the flicks are astronomical. I managed to get in crisps and nuts and chocolate's, plus a can of pop but the saveloy sausages caused me some discomfort.

All 40 of us sat huddled together (in the 300 seat cinema) to watch Harry Potter. Not a bad film all in all. However when it finished, leaving us all in the lurch, a sign came up saying 'Part 2 to follow' So I sat there waiting, despite my partner telling it me it was not due until next year....what a swizz!!!

Well, looks like I will be getting a blow at long last tonight, as the dusting of the white stuff is dissipating?? Just hope, that I can remember how to read music now.

Now I have read of ladies underwear disappearing of their washing lines. probably being pinched by some pervert or other. But what is puzzling me, is my Long Johns have gone missing??? I have searched high and low for them, but they is gone? I really do need them next week as I am going to be working in the Arctic Station all alone for 6 hours a day? I could always borrow a pair of my partners tights but they give me a rash around my waist, and when you I pass wind, my ankles swell up? Looks like I will just have to rough it????

Gummy Bears

Had a coffee with a dog breeding buddy of mine today. He has crossed a Bulldog with a Schitzu and got a Bullsh*t. He also has a Border Collie, but only has to look after it in the school holidays?

Well the snow is going and it is raining. I was puzzled therefore, why folk were queuing up to have their cars washed, when there is slush and grit on the road still??? Am I missing something?

Had a bit of a family run in this weekend. I have said things that needed to be said for a long long time and truly hope it alters the situation before I blow a fuse.

I think after Chrimbo, I will have all my teeth ripped out so at least I can get rid of the one that is bothering me.

Only 3 Funerals at work next week and it is grim. 2 of the staff apparently have the flu and insist on coming into work to spread it. So my plan is to work in the coffin shop (-1) for my whole shift and keep out of the way. When they say 'it's only a cough' have they tried playing Trombone with a cough????

Russian Around

Well I am gutted. 15 million spent on securing our Country as the World Cup hosts for 2018 and we only got 2 votes?????. I mean come on. We have the finest Football Hooligans and Thugs the World has seen. All the foreign visitors can stay on after the games have ended and we will give them a house and allowances for their families. Our transport infrastructure is second to none (unless it is raining/sunny/snowy/windy etc) and of course England would be probably out in the first leg, hence giving you more room in the stadiums.
A travesty.

Had problems with my PC last night. I had to ring up my Internet provider as I could not get on the Internet. She asked me 'Have you disabled cookies'?
I replied 'No. But I have bitten the legs off a Ginger Bread man once, does that count'??

Maybe, just maybe I will get a blow this weekend as it feels like ages. Of course the Festive music will be coming out, something, I know, that our Trumpet player looks forward to every year.

Advocat

Apparently they have given the 99 year old chap ,that clears the runways at Moscow Airport, using only a shovel, £200 to come over here and clear Gatwick Airport!!!!


Despite the weather, we have managed to complete 2 burials on time and with no accidents. One of them was in the depths of the countryside. We also managed to get a great snowball fight in, whilst the mourners were in Church, returning to complete solemnity, when they came out.

On the first service in the Town, I wandered over to the local pub and looked through the iced up window. Inside was a log fire and welcoming lights. Also inside were 15 blokes all supping ale. This was 10am!!!!!!. The blokes were all on benefits. Who are the mugs? us in the cold outside trying to earn a meagre living? Or the dross that are sitting on their backsides every day, drinking beer paid for by you??? This has to end soon and can do if every decent person complained. But I wont hold my breath.

Great Scott

Laying in bed listening to the news and the school closures and road conditions, I decided not to risk it and ring work, saying I was not coming in. Then I realised I had dropped off again and it was just a dream. I got in quicker than normal. The only hazardous conditions were the drivers with 3 foot of snow on their bonnets having not bothered there arses to clear it off. Not to mention the lady driver who pulled out from a junction straight in front of me. mind you, she was on her mobile phone, so she may have been distracted grrrrr!!!!!

The medal of the day, goes to the registrar who donned her boots and walked 2 hours into work. True British spirit that.

Bored with practicing at home so will be glad when this snow goes and I can get out to play again.

A fellow Undertaker tells me, that whilst a family were viewing a body they asked him to lift her head to put a scarf on the deceased. When he did, the Mother cried out' It's not hurting her is it'?? he felt like saying ' Of course not. How do you think we dressed her, had you thought about that'
But they never do.

Living alone, I have often considered employing a cleaner. A few weeks ago I did just that. She is from foreign climbs. I had to let her go though, as she took 8 hours to hoover my living room carpet.
She was from Slovak!!!!

My partner has been signed off for a further week as she has full blown flu. However she has gone back to her mum's so is getting looked after well. I however have been charged with looking after her budgie. My car is now full of feathers as the cage fell off the back seat when I was driving. The budgie seems to be SAS trained as she survived the journey without a scratch.

My old dad's birthday tomorrow. He was not in when I dropped his card off so I built a Snowman in his front garden. It is sure to wind his partner up, a lady who I don't always see eye to eye with.

Another night of playing with myself! as once more a Concert has been cancelled. I wonder if someone died at home and we said we couldn't come, that they would understand????

R.I P. Leslie (don't call me Shirley) Neilson

True Grit Two

After a pleasant weekend, my first job this morning was to prep a rather bad body. It certainly whisked away the good comfort and warmth of the weekend. The most disconcerting aspect of doing this alone, is sometimes one of the eyes open. Albeit slowly, but it still gives an uncomfy feeling. As my Grandad said. 'It isn't the dead that hurt you, it's the living' and how true that is.

Because band was cancelled, I managed to put in a paltry 40 minutes practice last night. It would seem that I will have to do even more, as Tuesday is cancelled as well, as they are preempting more snow. I would fight through 40 foot snow drifts to play!!

Above is my great great Uncle, a chap by the name of Hugh Jarce. Trombonist extraordinaire apart from getting the bell of his instrument stuck in the toilet seat (. Easy done when you practice in the bog?? ) he was a fine player, although he could only play pieces that had the notes on first position as he did not know the other 6.
His life was tragically taken in the Valentines day Massacre. He wasn't a gangster, but lived next door to the shootings and went outside to complain about the noise. Sad!!!!

True Grit

Went to a very enjoyable party last night. It was one where we all had a wee in the living room. Ok it's pronounced wii I think, but great fun, as me and the female vocalist thrashed it out on ten pin bowls and then skiing? We all struggled through the centimeter of snow to the 'do' and the host's had provided a great buffet and a music quiz that stumped most of us. I confused James Stewart with Tommy Dorsey...unforgivable. I did however get one lyric correct, but that's only because I had sung Minnie the Moocher.

A few more wandering zombies at the local shopping area this morning. The whole area had been closed by scores of police cars and officers. As one Policeman told me 'it's a major, major incident' He would not let me through to get my Sunday Pot Noodle though? How selfish is that.

No Band tonight as the icy conditions has stopped some folk getting out of their drives? How times have changed since the Glenn Miller story, where everyone made it through a 15 foot blizzard?

Foot in Mouth

Whatever next?
Apparently sex shops are selling sex aids for dogs now?
It's an inflatable human leg!!!!

I have been to my first Xmas fayre of the year today. I came away feeling quite humbled. I was chatting to a guy who was asking about my job. Even though I was getting nudged in the ribs by my partner (she had to nudge me because she has lost her voice....it's great!!!) I went on and on as he asked the questions.
I was told afterwards that he only has got a few years to live. This rather upset me, as he is a nice guy and is only young, but he never gave a clue that he only had a short time to live. I wish the ground had opened and swallowed me up.

I know now, why I do all my chrimbo shopping in October. I went on to town (and my partner back to bed) and it was chocker with stressed folk looking for ideas for presents. The only problem with this is all the bogs are full as well. Sure enough, 20 minutes after lunch I had to run to the facilities and queue!!!!! It ain't getting any easier.

Tried my new snow shoes out today and they worked a treat as I did not slip . Trouble is they are a bugger to drive in and although I did not land on my arse I nearly crashed the car!!!

We Three Queen's

Today we had an apprentice lady minister spending the day with us. We had to fill in a questionnaire and answer questions. It was extremely therapeutic and it was surprising how much we know (well it surprised me) We took her to see some of the bodies and then made her a hot sweet tea as I think she was a bit shaky. Sometimes I think this would be a good 'cure' for Drink Drivers/Mobile phone users/speeders etc who take lives. Maybe it would be a wake up call.

I sat down to watch a film I had been looking forward to last night. It was called 'Nativity' and the write up made it out to be a 'feel good' film. It was awful and instead of feeling Festive I felt more like Festering. So much so that I wrote a film review on line. It is obvious that our sentiments have changed somewhat to the season of goodwill. When the end scenes have children burping and other things how can that make you feel good.

I did not practice last night as got distracted trying to wire up a loft heater. I managed to get it to smoke??? but that was it.

Tom

I wonder what the word for 'dot's' looks like in Braille???

My partner is down with 'lady flu' and I seem to have eaten something that has put my poor old tum into a volcanic state? Will I ever learn. I bought some cubed ginger as I heard it is good for the old innards??? However this seems to have been fiery ginger and it feels as if it has removed the lining from my stomach? I must stick to bland as I am safer with that.

Again I question if my thoughts are right are wrong. Having dressed a body some weeks ago I was embarrassed that the clothes they had brought in contained a very lacy thong? I can only get my head around this if the person themselves requested this? Do family's not realise what it takes to dress a body? Always we carry out the task with dignity and professionalism, but we all look at each other and wonder if it's right?


The big boys are still trying to swallow up the small businesses and most of the traditional small firms are feeling the pinch. I have worked for the 'Big Boys' so I have seen both sides and I know which I prefer.

Geruptah Sing

A question on a show last night was, name as many musical instruments beginning with 'S'.
One of the obscure one's was 'Sitar' the Indian stringed instrument.
Not may people know that there is a smaller version of this called. The Baby Sitar'!!

I am enjoying my playing once more and it is so good not to have to wear ear plugs. I can hear the whole band and myself (ok the last one may not be so good) and more importantly, I am going to bed without ringing ears. So the stands are really money well spent.

Lost my street cred last night as in the Band break, I took the Band leaders dog out for a walk. the dog was wearing a fluffy pink coat.......luckily I did not bump into anyone. However, how a small dog like that, can produce so much poo, is beyond me. I nearly had to hire a JCB!!!!

Duke Nuke

I have about 4 books on the go at the moment. I am reading the story of script writer Harold Snoad in bed. I am reading soldiers story from WW1 in my Gym. I am reading a ghost book in the bog (this could explain a few things actually!) and at work, a book about North Korea! So my ears pricked up this morning when my phone alerted me to a News Flash, that they had started shelling the South. Oh so dangerous. Not many UK people have been to the North and those that have, were shocked by it's secrecy and sparseness. Many of the citizens were seen cutting the road side grass...with scissors? The only light moments are supping rice wine. And we think we have it hard?
If there is civilisation on other planets ,then no wonder they have not visited, as this is such an unstable world?

I have spent 5 hours today in the Coffin shop, lining and handling coffins. Very cold. Very lonely. Very p**sed off.

A married couple I know are deliberating weather to have a dog or a child. They can't decide if they want to ruin their carpets or their lives!!!

Gonzales

A local Schizophrenic group were going to put on a Xmas Panto. It had to be cancelled when someone shouted 'He's behind you'?

Don't know what was happening last night at Band, but it seemed that almost every number went wrong. It was a long night before,so we can only put it down to tiredness I suppose.

Still extremely quiet in the Funeral World, but was promoted to hearse driver today. Although we were running on time, a mourner at the house was waving frantically,saying we were going to be late. I don't think we have ever been late on a Funeral of our own doing. As it was I travelled at 25 mph and still had time to spare when we got there.

Still they are voting for the poor woman nutritionist in Celebrity Get me out. People really are extremely cruel. Mind you if you look like that by eating well, then I will stick to my Black Pudding and Chips.

Godiva

A friend of mine has had a nasty accident.
Somehow he managed to get a vacuum cleaner attachment lodged in his bum.
I rang the hospital to see how he was and they told me that he was picking up nicely?

Nice gig last night. Great stage, superb Dance Floor, band played very well and yet it was a 'hard work audience'?

It's strange how it can turn out like this. Don't get me wrong, they were appreciative but there was something missing that would have made a great night a superb night. Maybe they were overwhelmed with the stunning looks of the bone section?

Been to the new refurbished supermarket today. They have spent hundreds of thousands putting a new sign up and moving the same goods to a different position. Money well spent me thinks!!!!

Hen's Husband

A naughty joke does not go as well if you have to leave the rude word out. There is a plethora of risque jokes going around about Kate and William. To prove a point I will relate a rude joke without the proper word.
Kate Middleton went to the Queen and said to her. 'Every time I suck Williams ear lobe,I get acid indigestion' To which the Queen replies 'Have you tried Andrews'?
See, it somewhat loses it by changing the rude appendage for a more acceptable one. Still it made me laugh.

Borrowed a dog today for a Winters walk in the mud. Trouble is I forgot to wipe my feet when I took him back and spent the next half hour trying to scrub the persons carpet clean before they got back.

A classic example of bullying is taking place on the TV at the moment. I'm a Celebrity' has one contestant who is scared of everything. So the great British public keep voting her to do tasks. It is a sort of a modern day version of the Gladiator ring, where people got pleasure out of seeing someone hurting? Not made much progress have we?

Snoad under

It is always sad when a young person dies. it is more tragic therefore when someone takes their own life and with no apparent reason.
Hundreds of mourners turned out to say goodbye and all had one question. Why?
The thing is, no one knew what was so traumatic in this persons life, to make them choose to end it. If they could have seen the outpouring of love for them, would it have made them reconsider?
Probably not, as only they knew what was happening inside their mind. They say that the eyes are the window to the soul and maybe the answer lies there. Tragically, no one will ever know.

Went to a play last night. At the side of the stage was a lady signing for the deaf. It was no distraction at all. The only strange thing was, that in the small audience I never noticed anyone looking at her, nor did I notice anyone in the bar signing to each other. I suppose it would have been embarrassing to go around asking everyone before the show you started 'Are you deaf' especially if the response was 'pardon'

Being sent to Coventry over the weekend. Playing in the Band there and spookily I am reading a book about the making of the comedy 'keeping up Appearances' They filmed the outside of Onslow's house on a Council Estate there. Might pop up and say hello. 'Nice'

Sex and Gamblers anonymous

So I asked my partner, how old she thought I looked.
Well , she replied. Looking at your physique 38. The tone of your skin 30. hey I replied that's great. Hang on she said,I haven't finished adding them up yet?
Nice.
Amazing though, that when you finish growing at both ends, you start to grow in the middle?
Going bald does not help and I wondered if any animals actually go bald. I mean if a Bear had thinning hair, would it be called Fred Bear.
The worst thing about getting old though is, first you start to forget names. Then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull your zip up!!! But worse of all, you forget to pull it down. Maybe I will move to Eastbourne. This place caters for the older folk. Even the shop windows are made of Bi Focal Glass.
I got my own back though when my partner asked me if I thought men still looked at her boobs. I said of course, but they have to stoop down low......

Siamese

At last some heart warming news. Two are to become one. What a wonderful love story to brighten this gloomy winter. They have been so much in love and now they are finally going to be joined together.
Yes folks, our Trumpet player is having his Wallet Argon Welded to his left leg!!!.

I really enjoyed the blow last night and even dipped my little toe into the small pool of solo's. Now this is no mean feat, sat next to the master, believe me. It was also nice to be offered to dep for him in the Rat Pack tour. An offer I wont be taking up due to other commitments, but was nice to be asked never the less.

I nearly killed my boss yesterday as we were moving some particularly heavy rocks. Now most people stand up straight after bending down. However he stood up to the right as I was hurling a rock to the left and it hit him on the bonce. As we were on our own it struck me (well him actually) that if I had killed him, would they have believed it was an accident.

I like a laugh and have been known to take the mickey sometimes.
I was in a well known Supermarket which I can't name, but it as da be pretty famous?
I picked up some cooked Chicken legs and asked one of the staff if they were back legs or front legs? She said she did not know, but would go and ask,,,,,,,,

Who was that

If I said the name Delia Derbyshire, would that mean anything to you??
Probably not, but there is a good chance that you will have heard one of her Compositions.
She composed the music to Dr Who.
The sounds that she created were years ahead of her time and she was in great demand in the Radio Workshop constructing futuristic sounds for TV programmes.
Trouble was, she never got recognised and received no credit for the Time Travelling programme. So much so that she left the BBC in disgust and became a recluse. She unfortunately turned to alcohol and died of Cancer! Taken for granted she died a very lonely lady and yet her music has caused so much excitement in kids young and old. How sad that no one could have praised her work,

A friend of mine has got addicted to drinking Brake Fluid.
He says he can stop at anytime though!

Duo

And in the beginning, the world was without form and void.
God said 'Let there be light' And God separated the light from the dark.
And did two loads of washing.

Out and about yesterday and I sat next to a blind chap and his guide dog. Long chat with him ( and very long stroke of his dog) and a small world it was proven to be. He is a big fan of Big Bands and Trombones!!! Anyway I have now introduced him to our Band and hope he will come along and have a listen.
Five minutes later I bumped into another musician and had another long chat. This was a great day as I was with the missus (yes the missus) and she was shopping so the time flew past. Now to me that is civilised shopping.

Forget me not

I suppose it is poignant today, that I use a phrase that typifies communication and was used in the Trenches.
The story goes that a message was sent down the trenches , being passed by word of mouth from soldier to soldier. The message was........ 'Send reinforcements we are going to advance'
By the time it passed down the line to the 100th soldier, he reported to his Commander, stood to attention and relayed.
'Send three and fourpence, we are going to a dance'

Now the same sort of thing happened last night at the Concert. It was a small Band gig with only 4 sax's...however 5 turned up!!!
It was a remembrance Concert in Dinner Jacket, however one of our guys turned up in full American Uniform!!!!!!!! No change in over 60 years then!!!

B*** Baffles brains

To be fair on the 10 teenagers who jumped out of a plane over Arnhem, they restored my faith a tad. More impressive, is they all landed without injury. Mind you they had 10 days of training and proper kit, not jumping off a table 3 hours before leaping out of the Cessna, like me???

Absolutely bored stiff (not a good word for an Undertaker) today, as no work on. So as we called it in the Army, it was Interior Economy' day today. Which basically means cleaning everything that did not move? (I never painted rocks white, but know of those that did)

It being Winter we are too quiet really. If things don't pick up soon, I will be having to get employment as a domestic.
I have not done much playing over the last few days. Ten minutes at most, so hope my lip holds this weekend.

Rip

A fascinating programme on the box where they are trying to get some teenagers to train and parachute into Arnhem as in the Second World War.
Slight difference here as 3 of the youths have been kicked off the course for sniffing solvents already???
They are already missing their iPods/X box's/Mobile Phones and makeup (the girls that is) and the course is only 10 days long!!!!
One wonders, if another War broke out, if Britain still has the pride and backbone to stick together?
I somehow doubt as we seem to have become a selfish Nation and I wonder where it all went wrong.
I think that it is all down to greed and laziness and the only way forward is to get the kids out playing again and not sat in front of the box 24/7. If we can educate the next generation then maybe we have a chance?

Sign here

Since old Harold Shipman started his antics, the paperwork required to arrange Funerals has tripled. On release of a body from hospital a form must be acquired signed by 2 doctors saying they have seen the body. The process is...see the body....fill out the form. However a few of the Doc's are cutting corners by signing the forms first!!
This happened to one poor Undertaker who had come all the way from Newcastle to fetch a body. The paperwork had been signed so he was allowed to take the body. However when he returned to the Brown Ale country he had a telephone call saying he must bring the body back as the doctor had signed but not seen!!!!
Now this happened to us today and I took the call. We were about 8 miles from the hospital and 2 miles away from base. They wanted us to take the body back as...guess what...the doc had not seen the body. Now pick what happened.
1. We took the body back
2. We made the doctor come out to us!!!!!!!

A poem sent to me.

They joined for many reasons, to march, to sail, to fly.
They went where they were posted, but nobody joined to die
Their leaders plead on TV, what else could we have done?
But those leaders lost no daughters and none has lost a son.
So here's to all our soldiers, wherever they may be and here's to all their families as I raise a glass to thee.

Lest we Forget.

Snug

I don't usually watch to many soaps, but had to watch the demise of poor old Jack Duckworth. His end was peaceful and filmed very tastefully, with even his departed wife Vera coming to fetch him. They even managed a slow dance before he set off on his eternal journey, guided by Vera.
Oh if only it could always be like that?

You have to feel for the person who walks his dog in the woods. A few years ago he stumbled across someone who had committed suicide. Spookily he has done the same thing recently (I think I would have changed my route) but this time the authorities were suspicious because he happened to be at the same place again where a body was found. How distressing must that be.
There are Soap death's and the real deaths and they are worlds apart!!

Jungle Book

I am not a happy teddy at the moment and can only put it down to the season, my aching teeth and a complaining tum? I did not play well last night in Song of India, but managed to crawl back some form of credibility in ‘The way we were’ To be fair on myself, the Dorsey number rocked somewhat in the second section lead in to the solo, so a wobble from all the Band ensued. So am not beating myself up so badly this time.

I also know I am out of sorts, because I have had an e-mail from Lottery HQ saying that they have exciting news about a Lottery ticket I purchased last Saturday. Now the first time I received one of these messages I became a tad hyperactive. You see, the first time they contacted me, they used the words ‘We have news about your lottery ticket’ Now any news to me is good news, so with bated breath I logged into my account. Only to find that I had won a tenner? Ok a win is a win and to be honest I was very pleased. However, imagine my joy when a few months later I received an e-mail saying ‘We have Exciting news about your lottery ticket. Exciting?? Has to be better than just ‘news’s’ surely. But no. It was another tenner and they had just changed the wording to pray on every man’s gambling instincts, ensuring you would add funds to buy more tickets. So this Sunday morning as I logged on, In popped the ‘exciting news’ e-mail. I am writing this draft at 12.30am Monday morning and have still not logged in to find out what I have won. You see, I could be sitting here a millionaire………..or maybe I have 5 and the bonus and have won thousands. Or even 4 numbers and have won sixty quid plus. You see, what should really happen is that they send out an e-mail saying ‘f*** me log in quick, your life has just changed drastically’ So until then or unless they ring me, I will make them wait and still feel like a millionaire?