Hog

Well an extremely roller coaster of a ride year. Just to say to all who have kept up with my meanderings a Very Happy New Year. I hope you have found it interesting at times? I have no New Year Resolutions apart from to keep breathing and drink more! Well after all I am a brass player. Having a day or so off now so back soon. I raise my glass to you. Cheers.

Timber

In my job as an Undertaker I have been embarrassed on many an occasion. One was slipping down a hill in snowy conditions at a burial. another was when I split my trousers in front of a family on a house removal.
Well today I did it again. On a burial I stepped over the 6 foot drop to get to the lowering strap, when I brushed against a headstone....which promptly collapsed with a crash??? Now on the positive side I have probably saved someones life as if it had fell on them it would have caused some injury. On the negative side the family saw and heard it? I managed to keep my icy cool and a straight face although I knew my work mates would takes the urine after.
Sore bot today so my mind drawn back to the concerns I have and will be mighty glad when I get my appointment. I am still convinced it was due to my argument with the concrete when I tried to stop a run away dog going into the road?

Tis snot

Everyone knows I am bald, but it was a strange situation today when some bloke looked at the top of my head and straightened his tie!!!

The break must have done me good as today was not as bad as I thought it would be. Although we only had one Funeral I still ended up doing overtime because my mate would not listen to me as to what order we should do things at the mortuary. We have to collect paper work then fetch the bodies or vica versa. he said paper work I said bodies. He stuck by his guns and another company snucked in front, thus making me late!
We were both annoyed at one of the staff as they were full of Flu. Fact is, loads of doctors visit the mortuary then go back on the wards. With these muppets breathing on them they then carry the virus with them. Then the Doc will bend over poor Edna Smith (any resemblance to anyone living or dead is purely a fluke?) who has just had a major operation...and she gets it.
People say I moan to much about it, but its fact. When they say there is a nasty virus is going around, well it's only going around because people are going around with it????
Managed forty five minutes practice last night and my lip was not too bad for saying I had a few days off. Next highlight is one day off for New Year. Roll on.

Crossroads

One of the great Drawbacks of living alone is doing the hoovering and making my bed, knowing I have to go through it all again next month!

Well that was it. Chrimbo has been ,hung around for a bit and now buggered off? I had a very relaxing time away. The only thing I was really worried about is if the 'incident' happened again in someone elses bed! I would have been mortified. It didnt and although I am still sore in a place where the sun don't shine, all is well.
I have eat drank and been slightly merry. I have walked for miles with the dog and my MP3 and wearing my Benny woolie hat!! And now it's all over and I have to go back to work. It seems like everyone else is off until the New Year?? so I feel a bit cheated really.
I am lucky to have a job in this day and age. But we are over staffed and the volume of work is down on the year before.
It's a terrible thing being an Undertaker (especially one that worries) as you don't want people to pass away and yet the business depends on it? How terrible is that.
I have had a long think about what I have achieved over the years. That speccy eyed timid insecure depressed lad of all those years ago aint done too bad. What with being an Engineer and a Sergeant Major (!) a musician an Undertaker etc etc. Yet I still feel as if I need to do something else and I don't know what 'it' is?
I think the New Year will bring new challenges and obstacles as every year has done but I sure would be glad of a rest now? Everyone elses lives seem to be more simpler in many ways or is it that I just make my life 'to complicated'
Anyway whatever the year brings, as always, I will meet it head on. Only 2 ways you can go really. You stop, or, you keep going.

A load of grit

A poor turn out for the final concert last night. It is usually packed to the rafters but this time only three quarter full. Apparently health and safety laws do not allow you to grit icy surfaces??? So the pub put a sign up warning of ice and some old dear went arse over tit reading it? Not funny really and what a stupid law? Also it was the last Big Band night there for quite some time as the pub is being refurbished. I know the Band leader needs a rest as he is quite poorly.
I managed to access my appointment for the bum problem on line......it's the bloody (no pun) end of January. So I wont worry about it over Xmas then (ha) What a state this country is in? A touch of white stuff and it grinds to a halt???
Anyway this is my last post until I start work again (only 4 days off!) So a Merry Grimble to one and all.

Salad Days.

Lettuce Spray??? Why do I keep hearing that in Church?
9 days after the incident now and still no Hospital Appointment in the post? Do you know why the NHS is struggling??? I think you do, but it's not PC to mention it grrrr.
Apart from being a tad worried I am still trying to dodge all those with Flu/Colds (it's the last thing I want now) A couple of colleagues wives have it but when I asked if they had gone to work they replied 'yes' People are still not getting the message. One Man/Womans' flu may be another persons death sentence. If this is not true then why is another company I know of doing a childs Funeral. The poor mite got the flu and died.
Last Concert of the year tonight and it would be great if I did not have to go to work tomorrow after it. I worked out that about 85% of the Band is retired and the other 14% have probably broken up already? That just leaves me then!

Miracle on 34th Street

Something happened last night that may never happen again in the history of the planet. Roy the Wallet bought me a drink?
Now technically this is not correct as RTW had the lager given to him and he does not drink the amber nectar? However I have to say that it tasted like champers as RTW wallet would not give a door a bang so I am very lucky to have him give anything away.
The weather did not stop the hardy dancers turning up for the Xmas Dance last night and a good time was had by all.
The longer I am going without anything else happening the more reassured I feel. long may it last.

Geraldine

A full day yesterday and it was finished with a trip into the Country for a Christmas meal. What with the snow and everything it was the most Christmasy I felt for a long time. I even managed a crazy snowball fight with my missus.
Finished the evening off with the Men behaving Badly and Vicar of Dibley Xmas specials making for a very festive evening.
Almost a week now since the incident and every day that goes past without it happening again fills me with a tad more reassurance and long may it reign, although I am still doing my cursory checks through the night!!!!

Grant you

Trying to have a normal weekend even though my mind is elsewhere. Already been to visit my old dad who incidentally seems to have the healthy genes and nothing bothers him (although I did inherit his follicle gene). Thoroughly enjoyed a large whisky last night and only awoke about 5 times to check my nether regions. Managed a light training session and about 10 minutes practice so still sticking to routine as best I can. It is surprising how many people have told me, or know of, people who have woke up in the night, with the same thing (I wish they had all been there at the time for reassurance lol) and found they had a simple problem that got sorted out (no I know my mind thinks the worse in my case) and very quickly. So plodding on with a smile on my face (?) and a worry in my mind.

No hell

Where as yesterday was tolerable, today has been a nightmare. I wont go into it but just to say that I was cold, miserable and low. I will be honest that I am dreading that I will wake in the night and find it has happened again? But that is me. Worry about the worse possible scenario and anything better is a bonus. I have no other course as to keep plodding on (and it is a plod) and wait the Hospital System kicking into action. Oh Joy!

Calamity

Being the brave little soldier I am (ha) I went back to work this morning and the wonderful world of the dearly departed. To be honest it probably has occupied my mind somewhat being with work colleagues and I have not been as deeply thinking as I would have been on my own. I also did a fairly heavy carry without anything 'bursting' or 'breaking' so every day without it happening again is a good one.
I am a deep thinker I admit, but we cant completely alter how we are. I suppose if their was an Olympic Event for worrying then I would bring back Gold every time. Really, it is only because I care, that I worry so much and envy people who do not have a care in the world?
I have also been very careful where I have squirted the tomato ketchup today as I really could do without any more scares.
The lady vicar who was in front of my Limo today was telling me about her having to call an Ambulance out to herself a few weeks ago. Not once, but twice! Having woken up in the night with a pulse of over 200 bpm. It turns out that it is Anxiety related (you would think a Vicar would be calm as they are in the know?) and is now being treated with meds. It's amazing how many people suffer in this world and in her case, just a dream can triggered it. I can honestly say that I am not as bad as when I got out of the Army but it is still with me and comes to pay a visit once in a while. Unless I win the Lottery and become a Doris Day (she became somewhat of a recluse) then I am stuck with it. Fight the Fear...as they say.

Variety

Barring any other terrifying developments I have decided to go back to work tomorrow. I can't think of anything better to cheer me up, than standing in a cold Mortuary looking at bodies. I am being cynical here by the way. However, what other choice do I have? It is my job and whilst I am thinking about the 'what if's' on my own, I might as well be in company (albeit non responsive).
I managed ten minutes of practice last night and also some light exercise but my heart was not in it. It's strange how ironic situations can suddenly become funny. The first thing that usually goes when I am worried is my appetite. However I made myself go out for lunch and this is where the irony comes in. I put my hand on my lap only to find red liquid on it. Just for a heart stopping second I thought it had happened again, but then realised I had been a bit to liberal with ketchup!!! Phew. Someone up there is definitely having a larf.

Dee Dah

Ok, I have decided to get a grip on myself and keep posting. Mainly as it will occupy my mind but also, if it is something simple, then I can look back and laugh!!!!! or if something more sinister...well at least their will be a History for people to follow.
To wake in the middle of the night on your own to find you have been bleeding is, was, a very scary thing. Once the shock had hit me I first thought that I would drive myself to hospital, but after almost blacking out (I can stand seeing other peoples blood but I am not to keen on my own) decided to call for the meat wagon.
The rest is history if you have read yesterdays post.
I spent last night waking every hour to check I was not bleeding to death??? and was relieved to get through the night with all bodily fluids intact. My partner has been a star throughout all this by the way and she really has got more than enough on her plate at this time.
I am now in the system for the Colon Centre to contact me. I always remember someone telling me that to do something a second time can be more scary than the 1st as now you know what to expect. Believe me I am not relishing it at all ,as it is a rotten experience and involves most of a day sat on the bog??
I have decided not to blow tonight just to help things settle down a bit. If nothing happens again then maybe it is what they say. If it does happen again then I am probably in trouble.
I would like to thank those that contacted me with advice it really was much appreciated. However I decided to give the 'cork' idea a miss.

Worry

I am afraid that this is a grim post but as always I am being honest. I have been feeling unwell for some time now. Very tired and uncomfy inside. At 5am this morning I awoke to find that I had been bleeding badly from inside. Feeling faint I called an ambulance and was whisked to A and E. I have to say at this point that we have a history of the big c in my family and this has been on my mind for some time. Two years ago I had things checked and they said no problem. But the pain came back. After waiting 2 hours to see a Doctor they sent me home and told me to contact my own Doc to make a Colon Appointment. It was mentioned that an internal hemorrhoid may have caused the bleed but I may have to wait until Jan to get an appointment???? to see if it is anything more serious.Even though I am worried sick I had to 1. call my own Ambulance 2. Make my own Appointment. 3 Call in sick at work. So until I get my head around this I may not post for some time so I hope you will understand.
Thanks

Capstan Full Strength

Following on from the last post and adding to the Septet another suggestion for a musician is
Alice Tree...(Thanks Amy and don't forget it's 'Make up, Mirror, Signal,Manoeuvre!!)

This weekends Concerts in Ashby were magnificent to say the least. The Band (playing in Dinner Jacket and not restrictive Uniform...Thanks RTW) were as tight as my USA uniform trousers.
'Smokin' would be the word. The fronting by our new M/C was impeccable and professional and the audience on both nights were 'up for it' Our new MC is good looking, witty and Charming (yes I am jealous)!!!

They were treated to the longest Drum Solo I have ever listened to (so long in fact that I started to grow hair) in Skin Deep by our drummer, which brought the house down.

I actually was pleased with my own playing and now the Trombone section is settled, that to sounded awesome.

So it is now nearly a Year since I gave up the mic and I have no regrets whatsoever. It has given the Band a new lease of life with someone fresh and with new ideas leading them and is just the thing they need. In fact if a lesson is to be learned it is this.

Within everyone there is an inner voice. If it says 'You have gone as far as you can' then listen to it. If it says 'Stop' then listen to it' If it says 'Run down the street naked' then IGNORE it as the voice is having a bad day. An inner voice is seldom wrong and it's a shame some of our glorious MP's do not listen to theirs???

I just hope now that in the future people will not say 'I miss your jokes' but will say I enjoyed your playing (Thanks J & L) and I will try my hardest not to let them down in that.

Made in Heaven

There is a good chance that this Blog will still read Friday, even though it is almost 1am on Saturday.
First of the Xmas Concerts tonight and I admit I was a little nervous as it was the first time I had not fronted the band at this gig and after so many years of blood, sweat and tears.
I suppose I was frightened that I would get some derogatory comments and that I would have to come up with some witty answer off the cuff (as I have lived my life) it's only human nature I suppose. However I had an absolutely brilliant evening and I had no need to be worried about anything (will I ever learn?) The house was buzzing and I have never heard the Band play so well. It was as tight as Roy the Wallets pockets. It made a nice change to play in Dinner Jackets, instead of the tight and cumbersome Uniforms (although they have got us lots of work, there is now a time and place for everything) The new MC did a sterling job and I am proud of him. Actually if I wasn't so manly I would have given him a hug.

A few of us were talking tonight about an all Derby shire Band (if you are reading this, you now know ,that we know wink wink)

So we came up with this Septet..


On Trumpet we have Mr Matt Lock

On Trombone the great Mel Borne

On Alto Sax it's Mr Alf Retton

On Tenor Sax the one and only Rip Lee

On Drums Its the old dude himself Mr Al Vaston

And Rhythm Guitar Mr Stanley Common

And Finaly the world renowned Vocalist The fabulous Miss Kim Burley (oooh she's big)

Get it? Well at least one person will as you have been sussed.....again.

Bless this House

'When did you first realise your wife had passed away' asked the Funeral Director?
'Well' replied the man. 'The sex was just the same, but the dishes had started piling up in the sink'!

Had a phone call from my partner today ( always hard to talk to someone when you have a coffin on your shoulder) asking if I had bought her a book about June Whitfield for chrimbo?
I hadn't but rang her back later when I suddenly remembered something.
Many years ago whilst with the 9/12 Royal Lancers Band, we did a Xmas Concert in Croydon.
In the same building a Pantomime was being staged. On the way out after the Concert I held the door open for June Whitfield and Patrick Mower!!! Eh Eh!!! So I told my partner to get the book as she might have wrote about it!!!!

After giving the Statins yet another chance, I have now come off them again. I need to distinguish if it is them causing me the uncomfy feelings or something else.
The Xmas Concerts start here so very busy for next couple of weeks.
Joyous Noel Bah Humbug!

Oh dear what can the matter be!

One of the great things about serving in the Army was, you never had to worry about what to wear!


Grumpy, is the only way to describe how I am at the moment (what you mean 'all the time') and like a bear with a sore head. There are a lot of reasons why I am like this, but I will not go into them, thus sparing your yawns.

My partner needed the loo desperately at work yesterday. All were full apart from the disabled one down the corridor. She dashed in there but whilst pondering heard a work colleague on her Mobile outside. the conversation seemed very personal so my partner sat there hoping she would go away.
45 minutes later she was still sat there with a numb bum and more information about this other persons life than you would care to imagine?
The things we go through to save embarrassment.

It would seem now that Undertakers have been put on the top of the list for the Swine Flu jab? The way I feel at the moment I doubt if I will be having one just yet and take the risk I don't catch it before Chrimbo!! Mind you, if it is left to my constantly diseased workmates, then I have no chance.

Raffles

Do you realise, that in 20 years time most antiques will be made of plastic.

I started those rotten Statins again a few weeks ago and once again they are draining me? I am still managing to train 3 times a week but it is a struggle.
Last night I had a solo coming up (jazz) and stood up to play it, only to have it pinched by the keyboard player.
Most people think I am confident but I felt a right prat went red and sweaty and sat down again.
The bloody thing was written trom Solo but the organ player, who is a seasoned pro' just plinky plonked merrily on ,and is still oblivious to the fact that he nicked my go?
Managed to get in 3 other solos though so all was not lost and hey I am not greedy as I will share anything...as long as I am asked!!!

Undelivered

It is said in the Bible, that the Lion and the Lamb will lie down together. It doesn't mention though that the Lamb wont sleep much!!!

If I could put my mood on a scale from 1 to 10 ,with one being low, it feels like minus 3 at the moment. I suppose it does not help that we are not very busy and I have spent the last 5 hours in the Coffin shop which has no heating? I am starting to understand my old mate RTW about Xmas now and will be bloody glad when it is all over.

Someone on a TV programme asked what they would like putting on there Coffin Plate last night.
They replied.
'Return to Sender' as opposed to the lady who never got married who wanted 'Return Unopened'? strange old world eh?

Head over Heals

Apparently women like silent men who have piercings? They think they are listening and have experienced pain!!

The new MC of the Band wants us to do more double act material together. He says we could be like a famous pair of comedians like Laurel and Hardy or Ant and Dec. I think we would be more like Burke and No Hair... (see what I did there!!)

I have said before that Funerals are getting weirder. If you so wish, you can now have a cremation urn made into an exact replica of your loved ones head? That would mean that staring down from the Mantelpiece would be the glaring face of your old man or old lady!!! It does not bear thinking about does it?

Hiroshima

I have decided that today is a good day to try and find myself. So I have started to look in the phone book?

Hows your guts I hear you cry???
Well last week I thought I had cracked it by watching what I ate. That was until I cooked some chicken strips in the oven. (I suppose that's a naked chicken?). It wasn't until I was half way through them that I realised my mouth was on fire! Having dived into the freezer to retrieve the bag they came from I realised they were vindaloo coated strips? Being a bloke and still having about half a plate full left... I eat them all. Am I paying now. Just 2 words. Japanese Flag.

A busy music period coming up from now until Xmas,I now have a couple of shows for next year. One I am really looking forward as it has some nice 'tunes' in it. It's good that the shows chosen has people whistling some of the melodies on the way home. it's that sort of show that gets 'bum's on seats. However my bum is not sitting down for a while just yet!

Moanlight Serenade

The easiest way to stop injuring your thumb whilst using a hammer is let your partner hold the nail.

I have been to a couple of Xmas Fayre's today and a grotto. In fact I am 'Stollened' out.
I still don't feel festive though, despite having my decorations up since August?
I have now written all my cards and wrapped all the pressies so well ahead of the rush.

One of the highlights of the year in one of the Bands is the Glenn Miller night. It packs the room to the rafters.
However this year they have decided to change it because people are getting fed up? are times a changing?

Dignity

My mate has just purchased a Mobile Home. He says it has a great advantage ,as if it catches fire, he can drive and meet the Fire Brigade half way there?

It would seem that the new Funeral Home that has opened in the town where I work has run into problems. The residents on the street where it is ,are up in arms.
They don't want Hearses up and down there street or to see Coffins loaded onto it. The neighbours at the back can see bodies being unloaded off removal vehicles.
I have no sympathy with the company as it was them that put my poor old Dad and his dad out of business.
It is just greed with the big boys and it is coming back to bite them!!!

The Lad

I once fell in love with a Tennis player. It was a big mistake, as to them, Love meant nothing!!!

I have few 'wants' in life. mainly to live by the sea and have a dog (but not particularly in that order) would do me fine.
I always imagined I would have a Greyhound or Whippet? That was until today. We had a delivery of Coffins and the driver (who was from Newcastle) asked if he could let his dog out of the cab to stretch it's legs. We were expecting an Alsatian or Labrador. But descending from his lorry and in the palm of his hand he had a miniature Jack Russell. (have a look below)
That was it. All work stopped and I have been convinced this is the dog I need to get. It could come to work with me and live in my pocket. It could sit under my seat when I am playing? If it is really cold he could sleep on my head? So that is now my ambition. To save like buggery so I can reduce my hours and then go and get one of these brilliant little dogs. I am not holding my breath though.

Coke

I will never forget a tip my old mate Roy the Wallet once gave me. He said that if I wanted my shoes to last longer, then I should take bigger steps!!!

Well its started. Senile Dementia has started to set in.
After last nights Concert I made my way merrily to my car....leaving my Trombone behind??? Most embarrassing when I had to go back in to get it.

Although I was dreading today, as no work on, it turned out to be extremely busy. Strangely though when we were in the office, we noticed 2 burly blokes roughing up this geezer outside the Funeral home. Me and the boss rushed out to help him (not the one with the cold, he is so poorly he is off, even though he brought his rotten germs in yesterday) only to be flashed a warrant card by a plain clothes policeman?? It was a drugs bust apparently. I don't know what we thought we could have done against these 2 blokes as they were built like concrete crap houses. I suggested that we could have sprayed them with embalming fluid. Ten when they had set, kick em in the goolies?
Later on, the guy who had been apprehended came into the office to thank us for trying to help. He told us that he had been dragged off to the Police Station to be searched but was innocent?
However looking at him close up, even I would have put him down as a suspect.Which teaches me that we should not take people on face value (not that I do usually?)
Today I have done 2 Hospital removals and dressed and beautified some bodies. I must admit I do take pride when I get to attend to a body that is about to be viewed. Especially when they say they look 'lovely'? Shame I can't do the same to myself!!!

Virgin on the ridiculous

A lady went to the Doctor with problems with her lady window box!! The Doctor examined her and said...Mrs Jones you have been married 3 times haven't you? Yes replied Mrs Jones.
Well, said the Doctor, I don't understand it you are still a virgin.
It's simple Doc says Mrs Jones.
My first Hubby was a philosopher and he just talked to it!
My second was an Astronomer and he just looked at it!!
My 3rd Hubby was a Stamp collector..........Oh how I miss him!!!!

One of my colleagues at work, never exercises and is overweight and always has a cold. He came in today with a streamer and wondered why I get a monk on?? It's simple really. Why should I want to catch it? If I do it affects my blowing and my sleep and I can't train? Where as he eats sleeps and works and has nothing constructive outside work and thinks it's funny to be ill??
Yes I am selfish but then again I hate colds. Now if people have tried to keep fit in their lives then I am not so stroppy if they have a snorter. But this chaps even gets allowances from the Government because he has let his body go? What message is there in that?
I must have been wrong all my life!!!

A Funeral took place today from a farm. I was in heaven as they had 2 dogs and horses. The Funeral was full of tears so this person must have been very much loved. One of the Hymns was a Carol as well! and very appropriate as it was While Shepherds Watched. Nice service.

Boiling Point

Just to allay any fears and despite what you read in the papers. People do not die in Alphabetical Order!

Do you want to know what cold is.
Cold is standing in a graveyard this morning with the wind cutting through your 5 Thermal vests and re enforced Long Johns. That's bloody cold folks.
I stood there thinking to myself that there must be more to life than this? But then I realised that this was it. Living the dream?
Despite a couple of nice comments I was not that happy with my playing last night. I could blame it on the convector heater that had warmed our instruments to 90 degrees Fahrenheit but if I am honest it was just a poor lip?
Nice to see an old singer of the Band in the audience last night. It was a poor turnout though and if it wasn't for our new MC inviting a few folks to listen to him, it would have been almost empty. We were competing with another Band that night and unfortuntely we lost.

Mints

You know you are doing something wrong when you try to seize the day and you miss!!
Went to my first Xmas fayre yesterday (for those that are interested then yes I have got my decorations up!) and won a cuddly polar bear!! As my street cred was rapidly going down hill I gave it to a mother for her little girl. Which reminds me of the Mummy and baby Polar bear walking in the snow. The baby looks up and says 'Mum are you sure I am a Polar Bear?' Yes, says mum. Baby bear says 'Are you quite sure? Yes repeats Mum why do you ask?
Because I am bloody freezing says the baby bear!!
I have been helping my partner try and get a new dido rail for her lounge. She keeps telling me off as I go in the shop and ask for a 'dildo' rail! No sense of humour these women?
I have a feeling that the next few weeks are going to be extremely challenging for me (not that I need anymore challenges thanks) but will keep you posted.

Tea Leaf

Don't forget, you can't take it with you. If you could, Hearses would come with roof racks?

Last night I purchased a jumper at a well known Supermarket. When I got it home and tried it on I thought I had developed a a large lump in my back? Before I changed my name to Quasi and started ringing bells, I realised I had walked out the shop with the security tag still in place. No alarms went off. The thing is I had paid for it and had the receipt, but when I took it back you would have think I had nicked it with the suspicious looks I got??? I am sure they still did not believe me when they handed me back the item???

I had every intention of going back to the doc this week but kept putting it off with the blokes logic that 'maybe it will get better tomorrow' It hasn't and I still feel as though I have run a marathon every day? Maybe it's the SAD syndrome and my guts are out in sympathy or I really do have IBS or something. Whatever it is, I have not had a drink for over 3 months and it has not made much difference? apart from the Stella shares going down in value?

Equasionally Give

They say that 2 can live as cheaply as 1? That's very true if the other one has lock jaw?
I have been thinking....yes I know. If the population of the UK is approximately 60 million? Then how come I give to Children in Need and they take about 30 million?? Now if that is so then the percentage of children taken from the 60 million means they would get at least a million pounds each? That's a lot of pocket money? I am sure someone will put me right on this? My partner assures me that it is just aimed at the UK?
I have been trying to work out if I can take early retirement. I figure that if I live off a can of beans and a banana a day and never go out, then I can. Otherwise I will be about 103 when I can finally relax? Meanwhile the scum bags around the corner from me who have never had a job in their lives, have just taken delivery of a 42" Plasma TV!!!! Life is so fair isn't it.

Harper tunity

They say that there is no fool like an old fool, but some kids of today can offer some stiff competition. Such as the ones who now like to walk slowly across roads showing no fear as they slow down traffic. That is until they have me drive at them....I get fairly close and I know one day that I will clip one of these imbeciles, but at least they wont do it again in a hurry!
I usually scorn people who queue for hours for the New Year sales. So why then did I stand in line for an hour yesterday to meet Robert Lindsay (My Family) so he could sign a copy of his book? I got him to sign it to the Musical Undertaker which opened up a quick dialogue about why? Anyway got to shake his hand and I went away £20 lighter.
The day started oddly with me going to watch the city's premier showing as what was billed 'The most Terrifying Film of 2009'
This was entitled Paranormal Activity, which was shot on a budget of £36.50p but had taken millions in the USA. Before the film came to the UK there was footage of Cinema audiences literally jumping out of their seats?
So it was with some anticipation I took my seat in the Cinema. I am not joking when I tell you that there was only one other person in the 250 seat theater. They sat 3 rows from the front and I took the back row. So why is it then, that just as the film started, a couple came in and sat on the same row as me and only 3 seats away????? Not only that, they proceeded to talk throughout the whole film. was it scary.... Listen. I have seen more things in my life that you could only imagine in your worse nightmares ,so the answer is no. The only film that has ever made me jump is Exorcist 3 and I defy you to watch it on your own in a darkened room. If you do I would wear 2 pair of pants. Just in case.

Pontoon

I went to a Buddhist Supermarket yesterday. I purchased a can of coke and gave her a £20 note. I got nothing back so I asked where my change was. She said 'Change comes from within????'

When I warm up before a concert I can usually tell if my lip is on form or I am going to struggle. Apart from one jazzer, I had a good night last night playing Song of India and Send in the Clowns and another superbly keyed jazzer! The other jazz number was a skin of the teeth job.

Something happened last night that reinforced my theory about different sections. Whilst 76% of the Band had the number 'Under my Skin' in front of them, another section misheard. Now taking the fact that in front of them was a vocalist waiting to sing and the number they had up was an instrumental you would think the proverbial penny would have dropped????

But no!! Off we went and the section with the wrong number up kept going. So it was a case of 12 musicians playing the correct number and 4 doggedly sticking to what they had. The scary thing is that they did not realise ,which, as I have said for many years, if you don't listen to whats happening around you then whats the point?

I think the word is oblivious, but what really scares me is 4 of them kept going? and did not realise??? Be afraid, be very afraid!!!!

Lil

I took out a second mortgage so that I could go and watch a film at the Cinema. What with a coffee and bottle of water I think it came to £356.65p! Only 6 of us in the theatre and we all sat huddled together as the Air Con had been set at minus twenty!! I was bloody freezing and as the film was 3 hours in length (2 hours of adverts etc) I came out looking like a bloody smurf!!!
Seeing my guts are giving me a hugely bad time ,I have decided to go down the Homeopathic route and try charcoal tablets. I am sure it would be cheaper for me to go down an abandoned mine and dig up a bit of the stuff myself but hey I will give it a try.
Musically I am reliving my youth with a 'Chicago' album at the moment. Bloody tight brass section and some good tunes.
We have a a saying in the Funeral world. Live every day as if it were your last...cos one day you will be right!!!!!

Alladin

It really doesn't matter if you win or lose! That is until you lose?
Last night my playing started rough but thank goodness ,got better as the night progressed. Actually it was a great atmosphere last night and lots of new refreshing ideas are coming from individual musician to keep our Band in the spotlight as 'The Most Entertaining'
Had a cultural afternoon Sunday and opened my wallet (look and learn Roy) to buy an Art Deco piece from a very attractive Filipino lady. She told me that if the lamp did not work to bring it back. The lamp did not work? But using my extensive electrical skills I managed to get it going and only blew the fuses once?
Also bumped into an old Friend yesterday. They say it is a small world ,but those that say it, have never run out of petrol on a Country road?

Stays

I found it a hard blow last night. You have to work twice as hard in a ten piece band and I only score myself 5 out of 10 for performance last night. The highlight of the night was our vocalist sitting on my knee!!! I put my hand around her waist for a photo and thought to myself 'I didn't think you could buy corsets like these any more!!'
On a serious note, I am worried about our other vocalist. He really is not a well man but he is a true soldier and battles through his problems. If I had a hat I would take it off to him.
The Christmas lights are up in some houses already!!! This made me think of Roy the Wallet. He is a frugal man and has sometimes been compared to Santa Claus. He has one suit, but he gets a lot of wear out of it!!!

Ring of Fire

Will I never learn??? Apparently all my trips to the docs with a bad tum have been labeled IBS. Now if that is so, why did I eat late last night, knowing I had to do a Saturday Funeral. Why did I eat Chinese chips, drink fizzy pop and eat most of my partners chocolate buttons? would that be why it feels like someone has inserted a 6 foot wire brush in my intestines this morning??? Flipping heck what a muppet. I new as I was eating the fries that I would probably pay the next day. Well more fool me is what I say. Got a Concert tonight so I hope it passes soon. It was a culture shock doing a burial this morning as I was really enjoying partaking in my usual Egyptian PT but dragged myself out of my pit to crawl into my 'blacks'. Oh roll on the Lottery win!!!

SAD

It's not pleasant when someone chooses to end their life. But at the end of the day it is their decision. However it leaves behind so much pain for friends and relatives. Unfortunately someone chose to walk in front of a large truck and ended up dead. You have to think of the lorry driver and what he must have gone through? Poor chap did not stand a chance. This job is not pleasant at the best of the times and Winter brings an increase of people taking their own lives. I wish more research and time were put into curing the big 'D' and not just shoving pills down folks necks. Another tragic and needless loss of life. If you are cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper, then you are dicing with death!!!!!

Rounders

Ten years as an Undertaker and I did something today that I had never done before. I scattered ashes on a burial plot? Now normally this is done by Crematorium staff or the ashes are buried in a casket ,so this was a first for me. You would be surprised at the small amount of ashes there are after cremation but it also depends on the persons bone structure and in some cases what they have died of. The other dangerous factor in scattering is if it is windy. I have heard of people scattering at sea from a boat. the wind blew the ashes straight back on board? Although it was blowing a gale today all went very well.
I was talking to a lady to day who said that men do not understand the pain of childbirth. I said I was probably one of them. She explained that if she hit me in the testicles with a baseball bat for 14 hours it would be somewhere close to what ladies experience! I got the picture......

Fins arn't wot they used to be

Although I did not play too badly last night! I came away pigged off with myself. I don't know if it was because we went straight into a sight reading Trombone Solo which incidentally was very easy. Or because the Band cocked up another Trombone feature in 'Caravan' All I know, is that I did not settle all night. Strangely though, the jazzer I was not looking forward to, went ok? I suppose you can't win them all.
The level of Obesity in the UK is steadily rising and I have to say that on some occasions we are starting to struggle a little. We are using the wheels at more and more Funerals. We could use 6 bearers but this puts the price up even more on what is not a cheap service. I really do not know where it is going to end. New crematoria are being built to take the larger coffins as some can't cope with the width now days. It's a sad reflection on life as basically our bodies are vehicles and we think more of our cars than our own well being?

Thought I would provide a tip for those going abroad on Holiday this Christmas.
Sharks only attack you when you are wet!
Thanks.

Trumpton

Last night I had 7 'E's!

It's a crap scrabble hand and I came last?

Busy day today and only time for a quick egg and chutney cup a soup and a rusk ,hen it was straight out to work again. Had to organise a Brass band carrying the Coffin and playing at the same time. For saying there was only a handful of musicians they sounded very good.
I thought I was getting a few days off soon but it looks like that might change now. If I am kept busy though I really don't mind.
In a few gigs time I will almost have gone a year without fronting (apart from one revisit) and I can't believe the time has gone so fast. In the last few years of the Army the time dragged, but now it shoots past (sic)
Strangely for a few years yet, I am still on reserves? But I think now it would have to be an incredible situation for them to call for Britain's Secret Weapon?

Tetley Diddle Diddle Lee

The funniest thing I have heard this weekend, is about the pick pocket who tried to pilfer Roy the wallets pockets whilst he was in foreign climbs. Now apart from the beart trap, infra red alarm and mouse trap he keeps in his pocket the thief only got away with a tourist map. Ha a brave tea leaf that?
I was looking forward to the rehearsal last night as it was the last one before the Xmas Concerts. Thought it would get me in the Christmas spirit!! but we only did one festive tune?
Talking of Chrimbo...I had my first Advent Calendar today. It is made by the Jehovah's Witness people. Apparently when you open the first door a couple of them are stood behind it?

Reliant

Watched a programme that inferred that Computer games were making some people violent. When we were kids Batman motivated us to build a bat cave (in the outside bog) and run around the streets singing 'Nan nan nah nah nah nah nah nah Batman' at the top of our voices. We did not kill any baddies or hurt any goodies? Yet there was a small percentage of kids who thought they were Spiderman who threw themselves off the top of the roof of their house? They were very surprised when the silly string that they were using as the Web shooter, did not cling to the adjacent building thus letting them swing safely across. Instead it got them a trip to the Childrens Hospital. There are even musicians out there who think they are pro's when actually they just have a bit of money and convince all around them (almost) that they are at the top of their game, when actually they are just mediocre and living in a dream world? You see, it makes all sorts of folk to make the world go round and yes there are numpties out there who make prats of themselves and hurt others. But thank goodness they are in the minority (apart from the ones in Goverment)

Damson in distress

I hate to moan (actually that's not true, I love to moan but no bugger listens) but I still feel as if I have the flu? I haven't, but I am so tired all the time. I resisted the urge to stick my left nut in the freezer cabinet. Instead I used a glass of iced coke. This got some strange looks in the Toby Carvery, but what the heck it needed doing. Apart from having one red nut and one blue one now, there is absolutely no change (thanks mate). To try and motivate my practice, I have purchased yet another play a long CD. I must have at least 20 now? This is a Latin one so I can dance around the room while playing (due to the affects of the iced drink).
Roll on Holidays and then I can sleep for a week!

Squirrel

Phew what a day. I have felt like a pursuit driver as we have been whizzing all over the place today. At one point we were still on a Funeral and the next one took place 20 minutes later!!! I checked for red light/speed cameras but I was driving like crazy to get to next call.
It's not often I go abroad for medical advice, but my left nut has been aching for ages (sorry it is an honest Blog) I remembered a friend who had the same problem a few years ago so I texted him for advice. He replied, but from Barcelona!!! where he was on holiday? Still what are friend for. It's probably 'Coffin Carrying Strain' a well known Undertakers affliction. He recommended that i stuck my aching part in a glass of Ice? I think he was taking the p***. Ouch.

Deren

8 minutes? That's all the practice I did last night? However it was flexibilities so I suppose it counts.
I am getting lots of enquiries for the Band for next year. despite some talentless moron trying to bring the Band down a while ago, it goes from strength to strength which means we are doing all the right things. I think I must take a coffin into the Crem to Moonlight Serenade at least once every 2 weeks which still shows you the pull of the Miller Magic.
It's also amazing how often you get someone sitting in the congregation at the Crem and then suddenly realising they are in the wrong Funeral?? It nearly happened again today. You would think they would realise that they don't know anyone in the crowd. But as I always have said, some folk live in a safe little bubble and never look outside it. Oh I wish I could!

Bee

Strange night last night as although I played ok, I did not really get anything out of it? I know I have allot on my mind at the moment and like a typical bloke am putting things off, but I did not get the buzz I usually get?
Having to do a quick turn around on inner Limo cleaning today, I started to clean what I thought was mud off the carpet........ I love dog's normally, but today I could have killed the one that pooed in the graveyard and a mourner trod in it!!!! Yuk and just before dinner as well.
Strange early morning dream. In it I was at a funeral but was not required to carry the coffin but suddenly my mate was ringing my mobile as I was in fact required as a bearer had dropped out? My phone rang and rang and then I woke up as it was my phone ringing? Weird or what?

Ear

How come that even though I am as bald as a badger (why do they say that???? a badger has loads of fur) my work colleagues get me to fit the wigs to the deceased that require them? Is it because they think at weekends I have a collection of trendy hairpieces that I don , so I can cavort down the nightclubs? pulling attractive women by the wheelbarrow full! Or are they just taking the p**s!!! Yes I know the answer thank you!
Spent a frustrating hour trying to get our new engraver to work today. The chap that normally uses it was away and none of us are any real experience in it's workings. With a little perseverance and a lump hammer I got it going again. Funny old day? Laughed for the first time in a long while last night. watching one of my favourite programmes 'Come Dine With Me' the first female host got absolutely p*ssed dropped the plates and then thought it would be a good idea to bring her pet snake down to meet her guests. Placing the snake on the table she explained that it only had a poo about once a month. Yep you guessed it, the snake decided to empty its bowels there and then. For a small snake it was a big poo. She lost the competition. I would have marked her 10 though, brilliant>

Cube

Seems to me I only feel alive these days ,is after I have played a half decent solo (which is probably why i feel half dead all the time) which I managed to knock out a couple last night. Busy day today at work pulling in 3 Funerals and an early start. I can't understand why I am feeling so lethargic, when I am getting more sleep than I ever did? maybe I am not used to it. I think I will cheer myself up tonight and go to the swimming baths in my Ice Skates. Stand at the side of the pool and shout 'Who Turned the Heating up???'

Albert

I always take a walk around the graveyard after we have taken a coffin into church. Invariably there will be a war grave amongst the dozens of other graves. Lads in their teens who have given their lives for this Country. I watched the Remembrance Parade which always saddens me but I also have a touch of anger for all the needless loss of life. Politics and religion are usually at the root of all conflict and today, the 21st Century, we still have not learned any lessons. Whilst the Government officials are wrapped up warm and safe in their guarded mansions our lads are being murdered in foreign lands? How much longer will they, we, let it go on for. Remember them.

Steve

Did not want to get out of bed this morning and could have lay there all day. Made an effort to go into town though for lunch. Town was heaving which is partly the reason I do all my Chrimbo shopping in October.
A result of last months guest vocal night was the discovery of a rather fine Female singer who will be a great 'dep' for our regular singer. What with the new front man and singer it is just the breath of fresh air the Band needs.
Just started a new book about the Great Escape which has prompted me to start digging a tunnel at work. Should be finished by the time I retire. Don't ask me where I am getting rid of the sand, but the lads are struggling a bit with the carrying!

Tyred

Flat tyre this morning, I was lucky though as it was only flat on the bottom so managed to get to work. I was supposed to finish early today in lieu of overtime but lost an hour of that due to hospital and residential home removals. Turns out I had a great big nail stuck in my tyre (watch your bunnies Roy!!!) so got it repaired on the way home.
Set myself to do an hours practice last night and managed it although I nearly gave in after 10 minutes!!.
We hear allot in our job, especially in the Limo. I have lost my faith in doctors especially when there was a poor chap who had headaches and for 18 months he kept going back to the doc's but they said it was nothing. He had a Brain Tumour but by the time they found it, it was to late. He, quite rightly, was angry and frustrated. The reason it angers me is they did it to my Mum as well. Told her it was her nerves but it was the big C. To late for her as well. I put it down to apathy in the UK. The motto of the UK is 'Don't put off until tomorrow, what you can do in a months time'!!!

Sins

The new firm of competitors is opening shortly. They are just around the corner and you can feel a sense of uneasiness in the air at our place. I suppose it can be compared to the corner shop and then Tesco's move in just down the road. It's not fair really as with these big businesses, more wants more so it is never ending. The Chairman's and Managers worry if they cant order a new Porche next year as they only made a few million pound profit this year. The reason this Country is in the state it is in is simply down to greed. Anyway watch this space.
I did not practice last night so feel guilty. I will have to put double in tonight.

Tangoed

A horse drawn Hearse will travel at about 8 mph. Therefore today's Funeral was unacceptable to me and most of the General Public. Despite being offered a motorised hearse to cover part of the journey this was declined. Instead it was insisted upon, that the horse drawn carriage would cover the whole 15 miles during the busiest time of the day. The journey took just over 2 hours with a stop to change Horses as the poor things were knackered. I drove at a constant 8mph following 3 Limo's a Flower Hearse and the Horses. The tailback of traffic was horrendous. Behind in the distance I could see an Ambulance on an emergency call trying to get through??? If they were being called to a heart attack victim, then what chance did the casualty stand. This was especially selfish and should not have taken place. Even one of the mourners remarked that the deceased would not have liked all the fuss. People really need to start thinking outside the box. Again I say it is not what you do after someone dies that counts but what you do while they are alive. We had our fair share of irate motorists on the way and to be honest, on this occasion, I can understand it. A motorised Hearse will travel between 20-25 mph as we are well aware of the modern times and tolerances of other road users. The only amusing thing on the journey, was an old chap who looked to be about 80 on a racing bike, who stuck rigidly to the back end of my Limo for most of the way. I started to think that maybe his pedal had got stuck on my bumper....but no...this was the route he always took and no one was going to stop him. So he stayed with the cortege???? To make it worse he was wearing a bright orange vest and helmet!! which went well with all the black cars. You couldn't make it up.

Hover

I have a very interesting day Wednesday following some poor old Horses for about 30 miles to a burial site but will write more later about that.
We are suddenly very busy again (not busy enough for some folk though) and not stopped all day. What with Hospital Removals, House removals, Body prepping, Dressing the bodies in their own clothes (why do they say that you would not dress them in anyone else's?, stitching and suturing, washing cars, listing flowers, driving, bearing, chauffeuring vicars around, talking to families........etc it's brilliant? Keep me busy and I am as happy as Roy finding a penny down the back of his over used sofa.
Spoke to another musician today who tells me that the conductor of the show he is in, had a bit of a break down and could not carry on. I feel for anyone like that, as unless you try something you will never know, even if the thought of it scares you to death, you gotta try!

Tunnel of Love

I have always been fascinated with the subject of Near death Experience (NDE) This is where you are pronounced dead but are brought back to life. A high percentage of these people experience a tunnel and light etc. The case I was reading about today concerned a lady who was about to have 2 wisdom teeth removed. The night before she dreamed that she would die. She was petrified when she went to the dentist and told him of her dream He reassured her and proceeded to anaesthetise her. She then had a severe reaction to the drug and her heart stopped. Paramedics were called and they proceeded to zap her. They managed to get her back but she said that when she died her grandma had come to get her and was brought before 5 shadowy figures who told her to go back as her job was not finished in that life??? I have read and heard of so many cases of this that you cant put it all down to coincidence.
The only near death experience I remember ,was when I asked Roy to loan me a fiver?
After my solo last night the M/C announced that I put a lot of hours in to sound like I did. I only put allot of hours in because so many people sound so much better than me and I am s**t scared of making a twit of myself.

Rugby

Spent most of the afternoon dog sitting/walking and snoozing on the sofa?? How can I be tired after a lay in?? Actually I think I would be better hibernating until Winter is over.
Tonight's Concert was superb. Our Tenor player took to the mic like a duck to water ( I always said he would) and had the audience in the palm of his hand. It's a strange thing human emotion as some would feel sad relinquishing the mic after so long, but I actually feel relieved as it is in very safe hands.
I watched a film this afternoon that reminded me of my childhood. Morcambe and Wise in 'The Riviera Touch' Such simple but gentle humour and a very complicated music score by Ron Goodwin. If you listen carefully you can hear just how technical it is and must have been a b**ger to write? never mind play.
I have to admit to being in a grump tonight as not firing on 4 valves (a bit like Roy the Wallets car) and when I arrived the dep Trombone player said he was full of cold. So I threw a minor hissy fit and sat in a different place. I don't know if it is selfish or not, not wanting to catch a cold? Anyway back to Roy the W's car. I noticed tonight that at the end of the Concert he was shouldering his way past us other musicians tutting and mumbling that we were in the way.Ten minutes later as we were packing kit down, I noticed him still trying to get his car out of the car park. In fact I think most of us were in bed before he got his motor out!!! You se it's the early bird that catches the worm, but the second mouse that gets the cheese????

Boo

I feel flipping awful today. No energy and bad tum. I can hack it if I am at work but on my day off, it ain't good. I think the words 'Loose' and 'End' describe toda and in more ways than one!. I could sleep for England and have no energy at all which is making everything hard work. Still managed an hours practice today but my heart was not in it. The only highlight of today has been waiting for the 'Trick or Treaters' as I have an absolutely awful scary mask I was going to open the door wearing(no not my normal face) so I could frighten the little buggers away with (Roy loves Halloween so he can show them his wallet...they run a mile).

Teesy Weesy

We had someone come in to view there mother not long ago. They came back to the office saying that it did not look like her. Our immediate thought was that we had shown her the wrong body (not good for business that) but it was the fact that the illness had taken it's toll. We are not trained hairdressers, yet we curl and tongue and style! We are not trained make up artists but we powder and apply lipstick and mascara (and that's just me at weekends). We sometimes even have photo's to work to and try our best to make the person look as they were, before death. But on this occasion the person apologised ,saying that it did not look like her mother in hospital either. It's strange that in some cases people look younger when they pass away then again some change completely. I suppose I wish I had never gone to see my mum as the illness had ravaged her and I did not recognise her. I had to go though as I had been serving away in the Army. It really is up to your inner voice if it is right or wrong to view a loved one. Only you will know what the voice is saying and only you can listen or ignore it!

boob 2

Is it a coincidence that today, I have just started to stop aching and drowsy and feeling like poo, after stopping the Statins I was taking??? Although I do ache a bit that is due to a house removal I had to do and it was a long carry ending up with me almost demolishing a wall?
Played so so last night as it was all Jazz. did embarrass myself a tad though when I stood up in a piece of music that said Dixie and I thought it was just me....ooops. however it amused the audience bless.
Been on a private hire today to do a travellers Funeral. They really fascinate me as they are a very close knit community. Polite but firm and also they know how to mourn with lots of real emotion shown. It was strange though that I had no passengers in my Limo and did not have to carry. They had overbooked on cars which was fine with me as I could stand back and watch. I even managed to get a cup of coffee and slice of cake in the Church tea rooms where a rather nice lady told me about her topless Cyprus holiday....a good day! Way Hay!!!!!!

Boob

Quite a tiring weekend all in all even with the clock going back an hour I feel as if i could sleep for a week and that is unlike me?? Last nights gig was an intimate little tea dance where all the guests dressed in Forties Clothes? Apart from one girl who had obviously misheard and come in 'Naughties' clothes!!! The Band could not concentrate as she was popping out everywhere? Very nice though.
My highlight of the day was laying in the back of our removal van with a corpse. Our vehicle only holds 2 living people and we needed 3!!! Great life eh?

Manhatan

Our Tenor Saxplayer has been working really hard to become a vocalist. Last night he proved himself to be an excellent performer and singer. He has the looks and personality and it looks like he has done it for years with his contagious personality and professionalism. In fact he (as I said ages ago) would make an excellent front man. It was a shame though that once again our PA system let us down for the first part of the performance, but as the Band is so professional they kept going throughout.
Thanks to Doris my sat Nav, the outward journey took ages as she decided to take us the scenic route. On the way back we knocked about twenty minutes off the journey ,but had to brake hard for a cunningly placed speed camera (nearly had Roy as well, but he chucked his wallet out the car window attached to a chain and it acted as a brake?). It was a late finish but with the clocks going back we all got to bed about 1.30am (Not together you understand)
I watched a programme about the anti cholesterol drug Statins and wished I hadn't. I am back on them again and I have a choice of feeling like I have flu all the time or letting my arteries fur up to heart stopping clog point? Ah decisions, decisions?

Stanas to reason

The old tum playing up today so not relishing a late night and long journey for tonights gig. I was reading about the 70 stone man in the UK who is living of Benefits and managing to feed himself quite nicely. As his days are numbered ,if he does not change his lifestyle ,I was thinking about the poor Undertakers that may get dragged out of bed at 4am to remove his body. No doubt it will be upstairs with lots of twists and curves on the staircase. Their will be a stair lift in the way as usual and the body will probably be in the smallest room in the house, wedged behind a door? Now the Health and Safety bods will say 'Don't forget to lift with straight back and bent legs'..........Muppets.

Boxer

Time to make the 'Bozo' of the week award. It goes to today's idiot who was driving a 4 x 4 and towing a large trailer. Instead of waiting for the Hearse and car to pull off he tried to squeeze through. The trailer got stuck and it took 2 bearers and 2 mourners to man handle the trailer out of the way. If he had waited 2 minutes he could have got through easily.
The second prize goes to me! My partner was clearing her cupboards out and she gave me 2 boxes of Cocopops she didn't want. She didn't tell me they were both open boxes. So when I got out of the car, both boxes poured out on the road!!!!!. Actually I love the sound of Snap Crackle and Pop in the morning...and that is just me getting out of bed!

Levitate

My feet have not touched the floor today and its been all go. Great as the time goes quicker.
When I prepare the Gig list I always put what dress the Band are wearing (not the sequined ones with pink frills) for example Uniform or Dinner Jacket etc. I abbreviate Dinner Jacket as DJ but one of the organisers of an event we are playing at assumed it meant we were bringing our own Disc Jockey with us. We only have one jockey in the Band and he has a Horse called Treacle. its got golden Stirrups....yes I know.

Wasp

Not as good night playing as normal last night. A solo came out that I had not read in months (if not a year). It is a favourite track off a Sting album I have from the film Leaving Las Vegas and called My One and Only Love. I got through it ok but it could have been better.
On a hospital removal today we had some flak from a female motorist saying we were travelling too slow??? On the back of the removal van it clearly shows we are a Funeral Company. So at the traffic lights I had a polite word with the lady. I think she got the message!!! You see as my Grandad once said. you have to fight Fire with Fire....which is probably why he got thrown out of the Fire Brigade.

Oooh Matron

We got called out to do a residential home removal today. It is always sad to see the old folk snoring and dribbling in their armchairs. But when I think of it, it is just like me after my tea??? They have a character in the home who is always stood by the door night and day. He calls everyone Sergeant Major (correct this time) and is a really nice man. Apart from that he has this tendency to grab your bum and other things when you least expect it (I did not expect it so came as a great shock especially after the tree incident) and is rather inconvenient if you are carrying a stretcher? Mind you it did bring a smile to my face, which reminded me of the old saying.
Laugh and the World laughs with you...Trump, and you stand alone!

Banzai

I have managed to get through the day without anything falling on my head. Bloody miracle if you ask me. Last night we had some marvelous vocalists turn up to sing with the Band. There was one chap who arrived with only seconds to spare. He came straight on and did the job with absolutely no nerves.
It is frustrating though ,that it took a few weeks to organise the Guest Vocal night, and someone texts 2 hours before the gig to say they are ill??? All the commitment of a Kamikaze pilot on his tenth mission! if you ask me.

Lumberjack

What could possibly go wrong just an hour after crawling out of bed??? Such a nice day I decided to walk to get my paper. I had a choice of routes back. The short or long way. I chose the long way as such a pleasant day. Walking down the tree lined road, I noticed a bloke sawing away at a very large branch overhanging the path. Yes it even crossed my mind that it could fall ,just as I was passing underneath but what would be the chances of that. Anyway I was sure the bloke had taken safety precautions.. So I moved slightly to my left and kept walking.................Yep you guessed it. Just as I passed underneath it came crashing down on my head. Luckily the autumn fall had not affected this tree to much and the leaves ,that were clinging on for grim death, cushioned the blow to my already scarred head. The neighbours either side of him found it quite amusing that just my left arm and the top of my shiny dome were visible beneath this massive foliage? I managed to dig myself out with everything but my dignity in intact. The guy was apologetic to be fair. But I warned him next time to shout 'Timber' at least to give me chance to dive out of the way.
I am staying in for the rest of the day...just in case.

Dancing Queen

Got to bed about 2.30 am ,but after me and Julie the trumpet had shared 2 gallons of Mineral Water, I was up again at 4am syphoning for England!
Although the gig went well I was angry that the early set up team had been messed around ,so I negotiated a few extra shekels with the organiser to make up for the time they had to hang around.
A good gig, although our PA system gave up the ghost half way through and everyone sounded like Joe Pasquale when they sang or spoke through the mic.
At about 1am we had a couple of younger people dancing and a few that looked like they had walked of the set of Zombies as they had consumed an enormous amount of 'wobbly' juice. A girl asked me if we could play something modern. I said if she could hang on for half an hour we would regroup and play some ABBA hits. Then we p***ed off home!!!! I think she is still there?

No 7

Just as most folk are clambering into bed after a hard weeks work (well all apart from the scroungers and lay abouts ,whom I am working hard to support) the Band will just be starting work. Yes a nocturnal job being a musician but what a great experience in life never the less.
I still don't understand folk at Funerals. The Families I am sure would like their friends and neighbours around them in church or at the Crem. But people actually barge others out the way so they can sit on the back row as far away from the family as possible??? I don't get this at all. If at any time people in their lives need some comfort, it is now. The only time I like to sit on the back row is at the Cinema so nobody is crunching popcorn or texting behind me. I realised today that we are all put on this earth to complete certain tasks. I am so far behind with mine I should live forever???

Taxidermy

What an awful day. By awful I mean, that somehow I feel terribly guilty that we have not much work on. It's far to hard to explain ,but I should not have to feel like this at my age. Still you can only do your best and if that's not enough....!
The Fox was back last night and looking remarkably better, but I do not know what has happened to the rest of the family?
I am frustrated with an organiser of a particular job we are soon to do. I try and make things easier for the Band with reference to parking and stage entry etc but without the backing of the organisers I am stuffed. As you can probably tel...not a good day.

Texas

A bit of a 'Tumble weed' night in the Band last night. Absolutely no atmosphere. The vocalist had a really bad night as well and I felt for him ,as his daughter was in the audience. I had a couple of solo's but nothing to challenging.
My Fox's I am feeding seem to have gone down in numbers from 3 to 1? The one that is left seems to have an injury on his front paw? Although he is till eating well ,he is not tame enough to get near to. I will have to keep my eye on him.
Went for a Flu jab today. The nurse said 'It's only a little prick'!!!How does she know these things????

Old Mother

Shopping is the most important thing in the world. Well it must have been to the numpty who literally swerved between the Hearse (Fully Laden) and Limo to get to Tesco's. God, just once let me have chance to speak to one of these morons? I just need to know what goes through their heads(I know) and if it happened to them ,on a loved ones funeral, what would they think. I should not get angry anymore but I do. I get angry when I see the lazy drop outs draining the Social Fund dry and drinking all day. I get angry when old people are mugged and stabbed. I get angry when MP's are living the life of Riley and promising the changes they are going to make just before an election. All it would take to change this Country around is for the good people to say 'Enough' We have to fight back to put the 'Great' back into Britain. Because if we just sit and say 'It's not my problem' then we are finished.

Apple

My 6 monthly trip to the dentist today. I hate anyone messing about with my teggies but it has to be done. The most stressful thing was the waiting room though. Full of screaming kids and a woman with what sounded like swine flu. She was coughing and immediately after, fanning her face with a magazine, straight into the face of the poor woman sitting next to her. This poor lady started to lean away from her every time she hacked into her hankie. By the time I left the waiting room the lady was almost horizontal on the seat. True British not saying anything. Now if it were me ,I would have opened the window and thrown her out? Harsh but fair don't you think??

Hole

Before my partners Father passed away, he had a running battle with a Mole that was churning up his garden. It took him ages to catch the clever little devil, setting loads of fiendish traps, but this little mite was cunning and managed to survive all attempts to snare him, but not before it had made the lawn look like a miniature version of the Rockies. He did catch it in the end, and I know he was upset that the little fella had popped his clogs in the trap.
Strange then that when we visited his grave today there was a Mole mound on top of it!!! Now in the graveyard there must be hundreds of plots, but his was the only one that the Mole had left his signature on. He would have laughed at that I know. Sometimes things are more than coincidence, of that I am convinced.

Last on the Liszt

Having got out bed this morning, I felt completely drained? So decided to drive out to a local beauty spot, have a walk and a light lunch. The walk went ok and the restaurant only had 2 other couples in. I ordered a coffee and a cheese sarnie. I noted that the food was freshly prepared and may take a little longer than normal. My coffee arrived in the first 2 minutes. The sandwich never arrived at all. Half an hour later (I was in a devilish mood so wanted to see how long I could sit there before anyone noticed) a flustered waitress came up to see if I had my grub? Nope I replied. the waitress apologised saying that the chef was old. I explained I was old to, but had remembered I had ordered a cheese sandwich..... I walked out without paying.
Needless to say I am more grizzly now than when I got out of bed!!
Had a call to see if I would play in a Band in late October. I am starting to say no to things now. It's not the playing but the journey times i can't be bothered with, especially with work the next day. It is also ironic when the guy who wants to book a bone player has tried 10 others before he got to you???? See I do know my place in life.

Sum of

For the last month I have not had a drink. It's not that I am an alcoholic or anything as I have the liver of a 20 year old (apparently he wants it back) but I thought I might see how it affects the old guts. So basically the last month has been miserable. It's hard for a bloke to sit in the pub with a coke in front of him. Not to mention boring. I have not lost any weight either. In fact I have put a bit on. So my advice is drink and be merry. (or if you are Jordans boyfriend...drink and be Mary..... allegedly...).
Today my work mate said that I have been lucky not to knock the top off the scab on my head. So on the way home in the car I did just that. Made me feel more rotten than when I actually did it ,as it was healing nicely.
After deciding I would not put the heating on in my house as a protest against extortionate heating bills, I gave in last night. What a wuss.

Rap

Because of the incredibly large red scab on my head it is now attracting stares. Even when someone is talking to me you can see there eyes wander to the top of my shiny dome? You can just tell that they are dying to ask what it is??
The guest vocal night is fast approaching and I already have 7 singists lined up for the concert. I would have had 2 more but have heard nothing from them since asking for their details. I hope it is not like last time ,when they just turned up on the night. I do explain clearly that I need to send them a song list and they have to pick some titles so I can prepare a list.But you just know, that some, just do not get it??
I have already wrapped half of my chrimbo presents (sad but I love winding people up) and have not been stuck for ideas. Not like my partner who keeps asking me what I want and I always say 'World Peace' Try wrapping that!!!
Actually you see, I am just a modern man and listen intently through the year as to what my partner says in shops. If she says 'Oooooh that's nice' it goes on the mental list (apart from the time a Ferrari went past us) and will be purchased at a later date if it falls within my budget of £3. 56 pence!

Whale meet again

Well I still managed to make it to Band last night despite my near death experience (I call it that cos banging your head on a coffin is pretty close don't you think?) and losing copious amounts of blood (ok a slight exaggeration but everyone was impressed how I had managed to spurt it up the walls and doors.)
Turns out though that one of the trumpet players had a bigger cut than me as he had banged his head on his caravan (No comparison eh!) Mind you his did not bleed and he did not have ambulance and Fire Brigade attending (ok ambulance). Had about 4 solos to do. One of them was extremely high and I was hoping the cut would burst with the pressure I was exerting,and sent a spurt of my O Pos into the air, thus getting a bigger round of applause.....but I only managed a dribble (my age obviously)
Today I drew the short straw to help another company out. This was the same company that I nearly got done with for driving through a red light. Not this time though as I stopped at every one. A big Funeral with over 400 mourners and a trip out to Newstead Abbey. A very full day and just how I like em.

Al

It's amazing how your life can change in the blink of an eye, or in this case, the pointed edge of a coffin.
We took a coffin delivery this morning and unfortunately they had been stacked wrong. I bent down to move one and stood up under the edge of a coffin.
I have never seen blood spurt so far. Turns out I had nicked an artery in my head.
My mate called the paramedics because blood was streaming down my face. Being an ex medic I told my mate what to do ,before I ended up in a heap on the floor. I then lay on the floor and waited for the ambulance guy to arrive.
Apart from a dressing and pressure to stop bleeding, I managed to get away without stitches which is great as my head is scarred enough already with other accidents. In my first year of the Army in Northern Ireland we had to put on a pantomime for the troops. I played sneezy, one of the seven dwarfs which is odd as I am 5 foot 11 inches tall? Anyway after a long day of rehearsals someone shouted to get off the stage before they called another walk through. I ran and jumped and hit my head on the door. Blood everywhere and loads of stitches. the next time was when I was an Engineer and walked past a sheet metal guillotine. The guy who was pulling down the metal handle did not see me and the iron handle went down on my head. He thought it strange the metal had not cut and brought it down again on my head which was still in the same place. So now you know why my middle name is lucky. Actually what with all the scars, the top of my bonce looks like a map of the inner ring road in Nottingham??

Hughie

One of my work mates had to go home ill today. Last week he was driving the Limo and I was riding shotgun with the mourners in the back. He started to feel ill and said he thought he was having a heart attack. A bit disconcerting this as he had a tight grip of the wheel. I knew he wasn't having a heart prob but he was having a panic attack so I told him to breath slowly and relax. he did and we survived phew. However he went home today as he has an ear infection and the tablets he is taking made him throw up. Unfortunate as he was conducting a Funeral again so I had to rush back to the crem to take over. Rumour has it that he vomited in his Top hat...must remember not to borrow it! Exciting day all in all.
Big turn out for the dance last night and even I attempted a Quickstep. Although I think I have invented a new step. We got round the Dance floor, only injuring about 4 other couples which isn't too bad?

Skippy

Spent an hour on the new CD so decided I was fit enough to play tonight as I managed to get through without coughing my wig off!
I must have been poorly last night because a stray cat wandered into my house and sat with me for an hour??? I am not really a cat person but what with the foxes and this little mite I could be persuaded?

I have to say that the worse joke I have heard this week goes like this.

Whats the difference between a Kangaroo and a Kangaroot?

Well one is an Australian Animal and the other is a Geordie stuck in a lift!!!

This is a type of joke that works better on paper than delivered Aurally?

Strange things happening in my house at this time. Upstairs I have purchased a Grandfather clock. Twice now the key has decided to launch itself down the stairs of its own accord. Once while my partner was in the house. This morning the doorbell started ringing by itself (no it wasn't the stray cat wanting a return visit.

Anyway must get Sunday lunch on. fresh Veg Potatoes and a lovely feline steak!!!!!

Banker

Cold is coming out in full now and was so pleased when my phone went in the early hours of Sat morning (ok 9am but I was in my death bed ,man flu and all that) . Dragging myself down stairs I found it was my Bank calling me to tell me there was wrong date on a works cheque???? That now means I wont get paid until it clears as it was dated wrong (2011). Great start to the day. I then went and picked my partner up and off we toddled (staggered) to Oakham for lunch and shopping. Of course I got hit by the old tum problem and legged it to Tescos to use there bog, picking up a basket on the way to make out I was a shopper!!! Anyway as the day wore on I started to wear out, so put a couple of musicians on standby for Sunday. I am a brave little soldier!!! but I can't blow when I am coughing.
Purchased another play a long CD for when I am better. Cough Sputter Groan!!!!

Coffin

After me and Dave the Mic did a recce on a venue for a gig last night, I managed to get in a whole hours practice!! Well almost an hour in between coughing fits.
Today has been manic and no matter how tired I am , that's how I like it. One poignant thing that happened today was I was called to a house removal.
Poor chap had passed away in the living room. he had served his country and died with dignity. the saddest thing was he had a little budgie flying around the house. Me and my colleague both said the same thing. The little bird knew he had lost his Dad?? You could just tell. It was very sad.

Maximum

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Orange (jb)

If you have seen the film Zombies Dawn of the Dead then you may be forgiven for thinking I was one of the cast?
Last night I dropped into bed absolutely exhausted but thanks to a throat infection I could not get off. Every time I lay on my back or side it was irritating my throat, so I saw every hour. I still went to work though and have survived yet again? It's amazing what the body can adapt to, and mine has had plenty of experience.
My partner is very much into Dancing. Being a musician I am not...but I have tried my best taking part in Dance classes and going along to dances. Now at her work place they are starting Dinner time Dance classes. She asked if I minded if she went? What can I say as I am not a control freak but I have to admit here and now I feel extremely uncomfy about it. I did a survey at work as to what the other chaps would feel if it was there partner? It turns out that my feelings are normal after all. Now why should I be worried if some hairy arsed member of staff is groping my missus during the Foxtrot?? Well I do mind, cos I care. Ah well it takes two to Tango????
The throat had just started last night but I got through the high noted 'Marie' although my singing was crap. I also had a couple of jazzers but I could not wait to get home to bed......I could have stayed up!

Taxi!!!

I am wearing my daft head again as sleep started to go out of window once more. Strange that I can't spot any triggers. In fact I have laid off the beer for the last 2 weeks to see if it makes any difference.....nope. Actually I am not as scared of it as I was in the early days when insomnia took over my life in the Army. Now that was a battle and a half. I have one particular photo that was taken at a concert in Germany. It was at the end of five nights without sleep and I am still standing and acting as if everything is ok. I have told the lads, that if i snuff it, to make sure I am dead and not just sleeping. I have read Edgar Allen Poe and it put the willies up me big time. Actually i think I might be stuffed just to be on the safe side?

Cloudy

As a Band we are very pleased to see 103 year old Eric The Spider back after his accident (we call him the spider because he can't get out of the bath!) He had a bit of a fall off his step ladder (he does not get on with his real ladder) but is doing fine now.
He was extremely excited when I told him that 'Des' was coming to sing with the Band last night.
Des did arrive and sang 5 songs with us and everyone was really pleased.
Everyone that is except for Eric??
I asked him why he looked so sad. Eric replied that he thought Des would have sang 'Dik a Dum Dum'???
I explained it was Des Coleman the BBC weatherman...not Des O Connor the old crooner...Bless!

Scott

Me and my partner decided we would go to the flicks last night. She wanted to see Dorian Gray (girlie film) and I wanted to see District 9 (shoot em up blokie film). As my film was ending this week we decided to split up (temporarily) and watch the films on different screens. Being the Gentleman that I am and under duress as my film had started, I made sure my partner was settled in her cinema. There was only about half a dozen people in,so she had the theatre to herself nearly. I then toddled off to my screen which was across the corridor. About the same number of people in my showing so I sat on the end of the row. It was about ten minutes in when I realised I was sat under the air conditioning and was freezing my gonads off. It was like an icy wind from the Arctic blowing down on my shiny head. The only thing that kept me warm throughout the screening was an incontinent lady who was on my row. I had to keep standing up to let her pass which in turn brought back the circulation to my legs? My film finished 10 minutes before my partners so I went and joined her in her cinema ,which I hasten to add was like being on holiday in the Mediterranean and she was taking clothes off to cool down (eeeh)
The only funny thing was, and this has happened on numerous occasions. Despite there being almost 150 seats vacant, this couple had plonked themselves directly in front of my partner??? The strange thing is, she has a terrible cold (yes I know) and was hacking and coughing throughout the film but this couple stood there ground? Me, I would have been off like a shot if someone was coughing down my neck. Anyway we both had a great night although my film was crap!!!

Square Bash

Managed to sell on a phone today that had become a mill stone around my neck. They say you should never go back, but I have and to the phone I orriginally liked.
When I was foolish enough to jump out of a plane at 2000 feet I ended up in hospital for quite a while. I was then transferred to RAF Hedley Court where they taught me how to walk again and without a limp. I was watching 'Wounded' the other night when it was featured as the rehabilitation centre for wounded soldiers in Afghanistan. The injury's were horrendous and some of the roadside bombs were packed with Rat urine and faeces, just to add to the awful injuries and to bring on infection.
These soldiers are the bravest I have ever seen and I am so angry that they are being used as Cannon Fodder for a campaign that cannot be won under normal means. The Politicians keep calling it a war?? It's not a bloody war, it's another Political shambles. Without hesitation they should bring our troops home. With the money and lives saved on this they should then build new training camps and bring back National Service. England is in a mess with crime and unemployment and a benefit system that is completely flawed.
Looking forward to hearing the BBC personality singing with the Band Tomorrow, should be a good experience.

You only live twice?

It's not often a Funeral is conducted twice? But today has been the exception. Because the person passed away from home, a church service was held in that location. Today the final ceremony took place in the home town! That's the thing with this job. When we are busy no two days are the same. Swine Flu is rearing its head again and the talk is that they are going to vaccinate Hospital workers so they don't miss work. What about Undertakers and poor old Trombone players?? Actually we should get vaccinated, as if the whole team go down with it would be a right mess.
I have dressed two bodies today and I am still so against it ,unless they asked for it themselves.
It's been a long week and I am knackered so looking forward to a bit of chill time.

Shut that Door

Been to a friends Funeral today. I must have seen 100s of services but I am always impressed when friends and family stand up and talk about the person's life. You can learn so much more about what that person has done in their lives and it is much more interesting than a Vicar talking on for ages, when actually no one knows him better than his friends? A nice send off and he would have been proud.

I thought I had made a real investment when I ordered the book about Victorian Funerals. I had searched the Internet and finaly found an affordable copy. Of course it was not to run smoothly and I received a book which might as well have been titled 'Oooh look at me ducky'.
Anyway, as I suspected, the book company(by the way its called The Book Depository just in case you fancy a lucky dip if you order from them) then said that they had not got that title after all. Now explain this if you will. The Book cover was on display on the site. the Title was on display on the site. My receipt had the title of the book written on it when it arrived....but inside was a completely different book. They blamed it on a wrong ISBN number which actually means that when it got packed the title, which was 'Sleeping Beauty' by Stanley Burns, actually read Photographs by Ginsberg!!!! How, jut tell me , How???? We might as well announce we are going to play 'In the Mood' and then play the Theme from Bonanza??? Are standards dropping or are mine just to high?

Grave

I sometimes feel like Victor Meldrew 'I don't believe it' I sent for an expensive book a few days a go and was really excited as it covered Victorian Funerals and the History of photography in the USA. So as the big package finally arrived at my place of work, my work mates gathered around as I opened it.
It was a book on Photography....but about Gay's!!!! Now I have no problems with Homosexuality and what people do behind 4 walls is up to them. However it was extremely embarrassing to explain to my work pals that it was a genuine mistake by the book company. I mean, what would happen if we started putting the wrong bodies in coffins Hmmmm? It can't be that hard to read a title and put it in the post, or am I missing something. Anyway from now on I will be wearing Pink Chiffon and you can call me Tarquin!
Was really pleased with my playing last night (Thats Rare) and especially in 'Moonglow', where I managed to nail every note including the top Bb hooray.

What the Cook!

Not many people know that my partner is a top class chef. She was taught in London undergoing an intensive Chef's course. Two of the best Chefs in the world oversaw her training. During hours of arduous study and cooking techniques these two Chefs ( who are a married couple by the way) worked tirelessly to turn her into the cook she is today. There names were Ella and Sam. No wait a minute I have got that the wrong way around. It was Sam and Ella.

High Eels

Well I will go to the foot of our Apple and Pears? Ok, me and one of the Band vocalists decided we would have a crack at singing the Lambath Walk last night. When we did not know where we were with the words, we took part in a bit of Cockney Dancing to cover. There was a lot of dancing, as we were completely lost and it seemed to go on for ever. It made the audience laugh though and that is what the Band is all about.
My PC is poorly at the moment and I expect it to die on me at any time. I know a fellow Trombone player who is a Computer whiz, so I hope he is going to come and sort it out for me when he gets chance.

Basil

A few Blogs ago I mentioned that we should have a local TV personality singing with us on a gig soon. He did indeed ring me when I was at work. I was out of breath when he called and I apologised and told him that I had just finished digging a hole in the Graveyard!! This is true ,but I have not heard from him since. despite sending texts and e-mails???
Having always wanting a dog I am resigned to the fact that I work to many hours for it to be fair on the poor things. However, I have now started feeding the Fox's at night and it was fascinating to watch them from about 4 feet away as they wolfed down the Dog Food I had put out for them. They come at the same time every night so should be a regular thing as they are such thin mites.

Why Eye

Everyone knows that I am paranoid about catching colds and I steer clear of anyone coughing and sneezing. My partner always says she has a sinus infection but we both know it's a cold. Today she has been very snotty and as I drove her to Town I made her stick her head out of the window for the whole 3 mile journey. She just missed a couple of lamp posts and a cyclist but I am sure she was happy with it all. Harsh but fair I thought ;-).
Had my favorite lunch today of Greek Salad and also been on the big wheel in Derby (called the Eye up me duck I think and not like the Scottish one The Och Eye) which sported spectacular views of the City. I need to get down to some practice tonight as missed a couple of days, so will do it whilst watching the box. Yep, Multi-Tasking.
I am going back on old ground here but it's amazing how so many people take others for granted and do not realise what someone has put into things. That is unless they have had the 'ba;lls' to do it themselves. Bit cryptic but it will make sense to some soon.

Congealed Blood

Today we stopped at the Butchers shop on the way back from the Crem. I don't suppose this is a good idea as we were in the Hearse and I suppose the neighbours might be curious who is supplying his meat. Anyway, this is an award winning Butcher and he sends his Black puddings to the Queen (weather she wants them or not!!). So we purchased 3 huge links and a bag of his famous Pork Scratchings. It was all laid out on a plate when we got back to base. If the demolition of this food could have been filmed in slow motion, it would be like a plague of Locusts had hit it. Gone in 2 minutes? I am feeling guilty now as I am also out for a meal tonight. We figure that we are putting our winter coats on by eating more? and it is a great help to my diaphragmatic muscle I use for blowing the Bone (also known as 'Fat Belly').

Games

I do like a good Ghost Film. Last night I scared myself half to death (I wonder if you are scared half to death twice if that is it!!!) with a film called A Haunting in Connecticut. It was based on true happenings in a house that was originally a Funeral Home??? I can honestly say that of all the bodies I have seen and been in a room alone with, nothing has happened. If it did, something would happen, and it would involve new underpants and the breaking of the 100 yards sprint record?
Connected with the film was a book written about the Americans fascination of taking Mortuary Photos in Victorian times. This was quite macabre as they had the corpses dressed up and sat posing with them on sofa's and beds? Some of the photographers would change the image so that the deceased eyes looked open!!! Weird I agree but fascinating none the less. I searched for the book on the Internet and found it was out of print. That was until I found a copy in Ireland priced at £150!!!! Did I buy it....yes...but not from there. with a little more research I tracked a copy down in the USA and for a very modest price so I figure this book will be an investment in the long run.
I did not realise that the 'Living Room' was changed from the word 'Parlour' and was connected with the bodies laying in state at home.
See it's an edukation here.

Punjab

Straight into the solo's last night and top B naturals?? Closely followed by a bit of Dorsey and the Song of India. Lastly one of my favourites, just for its arranging of the last two bars In a Sentimental Mood. Sad night though without my quiz buddy there. Just one Funeral today and straight to the Crem. The manager was telling us about the amount of people who ring up and complain?? Mostly it is the choice of music that they complain about. These dozy people think the Crematorium choose the tunes, when it is actually the Families choice.. One piece of music that drew complaints was 'Bring Me Sunshine' by Morecambe and Wise. Now it would be worth complaining if the 4 bearers danced out like Eric and Ernie used to, after placing the coffin down???