Tomb with a view

Health and Safety never seems to cover us. They will allow you to walk backwards over a 6 foot drop in wet conditions with a heavy coffin. But woe betide if you fall and the coffin lands on you....end game?
So today when one of our bearers bumped into a marble headstone and it fell down and nearly hit him??? the Council took no responsibility. Apparently it was our fault that the Marble Plinth fell??? I was wondering what they would have done if a child had bumped into it? It would have undoubtedly severely injured the child and they would have to have paid compensation big time. Seems that us funeral folk are dispensable?

Having a love hate relationship with playing again? A couple of solo's last night, but very mediocre. That's either due to 'show lip' or tiredness or the thought of going back to work or all of them?.

That's it. The Mist has cleared. Bonny Jean has had her leg over and the Heather on the Hill is no more. I have had a great week playing in Brigadoon and it was almost the perfect week. I even managed to visit my mate the Trumpet player and have a coffee in between Matinee and evening performance and he only charged me 40p which I though was quite reasonable.

I now have to drag myself back to the real life (I can already feel it) and back to dead world? When I was playing in the show I could spend longer in an hour, than in a week at work!

It just shows you, that when you do a show a few times , that it does come easier. I would say that the majority of the Orchestra were all music teachers and Orchestral trained (working under conductors) where as I am just a swing player listening to the rhythm section?
Different Worlds.

The Mist on the Hills is being replaced by a dark fog that is gradually seeping in......Oh Joy.

Things that go 'bump'

To Err is human, but to really foul things up, you need a PC.
Why is it, that when you are in a rush and need to answer an urgent e mail, your Computer freezes and it tells you' You chose to end an unresponsive programme' I know!!!!! You don't have to tell me, it's because it wasn't bloody working arghhh??
As you can probably tell. The stress levels are rising. Had another look through the dots for the next show this morning. All I can say is, that a sadist has written the bone part. I am going to struggle on this one as it is non stop high work?

My old Dad cut a letter out the paper to read. It concerned a person reversing into a car park space at a local Supermarket. The car behind had left its rear end a couple of feet into the empty bay. So this person accidentally (of course) touched the other persons bumper. It was literally a touch. The person got out and looked for any damage and there was none. The lady in the car got out and had a look and also said it was ok.
That afternoon the Police called at his house as he had been reported for hit and run???? The driver and passenger of the other car also reported whip lash injuries (There was no passenger when the other driver went up to say sorry) His insurance company paid the injured!!!! £3000 and the driver who had bumped the car lost all no claims and his premium shot up.
This is a fine example of compensation culture of this country.
So beware folks, not everyone is 'nice' out there

Elizabeth Bott

My anxiety levels are steadily starting to rise. I don't know if this is because I have had a very pleasant relaxing week off work and go back next week to no Funerals?
Or maybe it is due to my recently repaired Mobile phone breaking down again and thus losing me most of my contacts?
Or maybe, that the pad for the next show has dropped through my letter box and looks like a real 'lip splitter' compared to the stroll in the park of this weeks musical?
More than likely though, it is due to going to my favourite restaurant for lunch today for a chill out' farewell to freedom' lunch?
Now this place ain't cheap. My organic lettuce panini costs a fiver. I should have known I was soon going to blow, when in front of me , being served, were 2 Mum's and there exceptionally noisy kids.
When it was my turn to be served I jokingly asked if there was a quiet table away from the mayhem. The waitress laughed, understanding where I was coming from and regretfully said 'no' The only free dining area was next to them.
I was chilled when the shouting rose to a cacophony of sound interspersed with the wimpy 'shhhh's' coming from their mothers mouths. I was chilled when I realised that everyone was having to talk louder to be heard.
However then it happened.
My partner called me from her Bungee Jumping lesson. I tried to talk to her and even she could hear the noise.
It then happened.
I blew!!!
I blew big time!!!!
In a loud voice I told the Mum's that it was a restaurant not a Creche and if they wanted to shout and want their kids to play, then have lunch on the park....
It went deathly quiet in the restaurant.
The 'noise' as one, all got up to leave, but one mother dared to cross me? Some deftly placed words were all I needed and I have to say, I quite enjoyed it.
When they had left, I could hear folk saying 'Tsk tsk noisy people' 'They should have had more control'
Yet no one, apart from this Muppet, dared to say anything?
I have to be honest, that afterwards I regretted it. especially when I told the woman to look outside the box, not live in it??
I don't have kids. But if I did, they would be brought up to have respect for other people and I hope that I would still be aware of others around me?
The pleasant relaxed feeling is slowly seeping away. Oh joy. So my message today is.
Never ever go to bed angry.
Stay up and fight!!!!

Watch Out

I loves watches. I have loads of them and all unusual. I therefore do not know why I bought another one today. I mean how many wrists do I have?
The only reason I bought it was...
A)It was cheap
2)It did something unusual that the dozens of my other watches didn't.
The reason it was cheap, explained the nice lady who sold it me, was because there was no instruction booklet with it? No worries, I said. I love gadgets and how hard can it be to find the correct combination of button pushes, to set the time.
That was 4 hours ago and I am still trying to alter the display.
I now have a brand new watch that will be correct on Monday 24th September 2012 at 4.59pm...
Money well spent I think.

Walking around the City today. I think I have found a reason why some kids grow up to be monsters. I noticed that the majority of (unmarried/Married) Mothers had their babies/child in prams/pushchairs that face away from them? Surely the little sprog needs the comfort of his parents smiling face (or in some cases fag ash dropping on them) Add to that, most kids being dropped off at nurseries whilst their hard working parents try and scrape enough money together to pay for the Benefit system and you have a child who is not bonding? Just a thought.

Another fine advert to visit the UK from a foreign Country.
A mother from Essex who has 16 kids from 5 different men lives off a paltry £600 a week!!!! in benefits.
I can't wait to get back to work to pay more tax, as this poor family must be suffering....


What could have been from a scene from the Glenn Miler Story' I found this old Trombone in a shop in the City. Not even for sale, but just part of the window display. sad...but nice.

Nearer thy God

I woke up with a sinking feeling this morning.This was probably because I was going to visit the Titanic Exhibition in the City? After paying six quid to get in, it turns out that most of the artifacts were off another White Line Ship 'The Olympic' Bit of a swizz really as I at least expected a lump of ice or something. There were, however, props from the Film. There was Leonardo de Cappuccino's clothes and also some from Kate Flannelette's wardrobe as well. I had half hoped for a few of the naked painting's scene, that would have brought back mammaries? I did stop for lunch at the exhibition and found the nearest thing to 1910 History, which would have been my sandwich which was as tough as old boots?

My partner and her Mum glided safely down from the summit of K2 and are now in London to watch a musical. I thought I would do something romantic as it was her Birthday. I rang the Stage door of the theatre and asked if they would announce 'Happy Birthday' at the Matinee performance' 'We don't do that' drawled the Cockney git at the end of the phone. Next idea was to have some Flowers delivered at the Theatre. Finding a Florist quite close they were more than happy to help.........however. I got halfway through the purchase, when they asked me 'What time is she appearing on stage'???? Oh no I replied, she is in the audience. 'We don't do that sort of thing' said the Southern softie. So I had to go a step further and push the boat out financially. I rang the Salvation Army who put me in touch with a Gentleman of the Street, who is going to wait outside and sing 'Happy Birthday' All this for some loose change and half a bottle of White Lightning.
It's the thought that counts?

Laughing

Having a bit of time off. I decided to catch up on some recorded tv programmes this morning. Whilst having brekkies, I watched 'What happens when an Elephant dies'? where they put a dead Elephant out in the wilds of Africa and film what comes along for a free Dinner. The first on the scene was a Hyena who proceeded to eat the Elephants intestines through it's bum. (I ought to point out, that the Hyena did not eat with it's own Bum!!! but through the Elephants jacksy)
Now I have to tell you, that this completely put me off my bagel and I switched off immediately yuk.

I also decided to make the 50 minute walk into town today. Life can have a soundtrack, as I was wearing my MP3 on the long slog and enjoyed a varied choice of music from the Tomb Raider soundtrack to Queen?? to Alan parsons Project. Something for everyone there then?

I decided to get the bus back. Stood behind me in the queue was a lady from Foreign climbs. She was coughing and hacking away and I could not wait to get on the empty bus. Now I am not making this up, but I sat on a 2 seater and occupied the aisle seat. This lady paid her fare and then walked onto the bus, up to where I was sitting and pointed at the spare seat near the window???? I am not exaggerating, when I say that the bus was empty with about 30 spare seats.
Now she was a) Totally besotted with my good looks? b) After nicking my wallet or 3) desperate to get rid of her flu!!!. I was polite and told her to sod off???

Good news. My partner and her Mum finally reached the summit of K2. They have let me know they are going to stay there for a couple of days as 'The views are lovely' I still think that their decision to para glide down is a tad ambitious?

Russian Around

A friend of mine, who works for a large Corporate Company hates AGM's. he says it stands for 'Angry Group of Moaners' (silent 'of' of course...although the second of is not silent...the one I just wrote) The Band had their AGM last night and ours stands for 'Amicable Gathering of (there it is again) Musicians' A very cheerful chat over a beer and all finished in just over an hour. It's good to know that all is well.

Talking of anagrams? another musician friend of mine worked out that an anagram of 'Paganini Variations' was 'Vagina Inspiration'?? to which I replied that an anagram of 'Entrust Goldsmith' was 'Moist Dangle Thrust' I don't know why I know that, but I am sure it will come in useful one day?

I see in the news that they have named a mountain after President Vladimir Putin? I can't see that catching on over here as 'Mount Maggie' just does not sit right.

Progress report on my partner and her Mum. They almost reached camp 2 on K2" but found that they had opened an Himalayan branch of Bon Marche, so have been a tad distracted. Along with the small camping primus stove they took with them, was Gordon Ramseys 'Eat for Energy' Cook Book. But they said and quote 'It's f**** impossible to get the ingredients up there?

Al Dente

Band call for the show this morning.
I never knew that there were two 8.30's on a Sunday, so a shock to the system. It always amazes me that, the cast and the Orchestra get together for the first and only time before it takes to the stage and you wonder how it will all come together? It always does and invariably extremely well. It's nice now, that I am starting to play in shows that I have already done. I was always in awe of the fine Orchestral players (and still am if truth be known) who were on their 8th or 9th go at a show? Some were that familiar with the dot's that they could read. text and have a shave (and that's just the women) and still come in at the right place? In fact, when marking the pad up today, I am sure that the faint marking I made on the pad many years ago were still visible???


It was a little chaotic though, as whilst trying to count the many bars rest, we had a chap crawling between our legs (about a 100 women in the cast and we get a bloke?) trying to set up the microphones. Unfortunately, this bloke decided he would throw a heavy mic cable through the Orchestra. the metal end narrowly missing the Trumpet players expensive Bell end (if you are not musical, stop it) Now this is comparative, to owning a Ferrari, walking outside to go for a drive and finding somebody weeing up the side of it. These Orchestral chaps are very polite though and made their point without swearing. Now us Dance Band players may not have been so charming. If it had hit my new bone!!! I would have found an alternative orifice for the microphone to be placed.

There are a lot of cables and wires layed out through the Band and my thoughts went to the poor Race Horses that were electrocuted after standing on cables. I envisaged the whole Orchestra suddenly shooting out of their chairs and doing an impromptu version of The River Dance, before falling to the floor in a river of Molten Brass and Bakelite???

I think the recession is beginning to bite now as ticket sales for the show are abysmal and the Big Band had a dance cancelled this week for the same reasons??

Stopped off at a Garden Centre on the way home and had lunch with the pensioners. You see the advantage of looking much older than I am, means I can get great discounts!!! Mind you, I was halfway through my Roast Dinner and Horlicks, when I realised I was eating Cauliflower (The lady serving asked me what I wanted and I replied surprise me) and I am supposed to be allergic to that, so should be fun at the AGM tonight?

To be fair to the girl serving, she was very observant. She asked me 'Are you single' I replied yes is it because I only have one meal. She replied 'No, it's because you are F****** ugly' ????

Just had word that my partner and her mother have now safely reached Base Camp of K2 and are setting up a Wilkos tent for 2, before their ascent to camp 1.

Da Vinci

My partner and her Mum are away for the week on a K2 mountaineering course. It's a shame as I will miss her big four Oh birthday. We have been together (sic) for 17 years and despite me being 15 years older, plus the tiredness and exhaustion because of the age difference, she is still keeping up bless her.
So today, off on my own for lunch. Trying to eat better I ordered an Organic glass of water. An Organic lettuce leaf and an Organic Chick pea...all for an Orgasmic price of £6.40p!!!!!!!!!! I will stick to the greasy bacon butty next time and sod the IBS

The continuing saga of my bosses trip abroad. News filtered back, that whilst off the Bay of Biscay and the 28 foot swells. All the lights on the Ferry went off. The captain made an emergency announcement for people to stay in their cabins or stand still while they fixed the problem..
Now, with my wicked sense of humour, I wish I was the Captain....cos at this point I would have played 'Nearer thy God to thee' over the Tannoy system , closely followed by 'My Heart will go on'!!! I would also have some of the crew going round in the dark with a water sprays.......!!!

And now some definitions.

Did you know that a drawing pin is just an aroused Smartie????

That B Negative is a pessimists Blood Type???

A Diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to Hell in such a way, that you look forward to the journey.

o'connor

A well known local TV personality who has sang with our Band, was up in court this week. Allegedly, and as the result of a road rage incident, they were reported for sticking an imitation weapon out the window of their car?? I have met this person and they are a bit of a 40's crooner. I would like to think that I am a good judge of character and can't see, especially with being in the public eye' them doing such a thing. I will watch the case with interest as I suspect this may be race related?

Back to the Gym today and my first training session for a week. The body certainly feels sluggish without exercise and I certainly knew about it after. They say that if you go 7 weeks without training, that fitness levels revert back to how they were before you started. No pressure then.

My boss and his wife decided to hire a van and drive it across to Spain to take furniture to the new apartment they have bought. I asked him what would happen if they broke down abroad? He said that they would not break down because the hire vehicle was a well made one.
2 hours after leaving the Ferry and the tyres touching foreign soil, the Van's engine blew up. he was always saying that I worry and plan to much....yup!!!

Secret Seven

Many years ago I had an idea of putting on the Glenn Miller Story with our Band and a local amateur dramatics group. Despite touting the idea around no one was prepared to take it on.

Last night I went to watch a play called ‘The Glenn Miller Mystery. It was only an hour long and had only 2 characters. One was a Frank Sinatra impersonator on his last gig in a seedy club at Twinwoods Airfield. The other, as it turns out, the ghost of Glenn Miller. It was a fair play and I wont spoil the ending in case you go and watch it. The character who played the spirit of GM actually looked like him in the end scene, Complete with Trombone (although he had not been taught how to hold it properly,.nor did he play it) and part USA uniform. However the play lacked something. I could really see our Band in the play dressed in Uniform and it would have extended the play by at least 45 minutes, thus making the thirteen quid admission fee, worthwhile. I went to have a chat with one of the characters at the end, but all I got chance to do was introduce myself, before he did a lovey and went to met some other people? Oh well it’s the thought that counts.

Thinking about Glenn Miller? I often wonder what peoples last thoughts might be faced with impending death? If a bomb did drop on the Norseman, did he even have time to think? Was his Trombone on board in it’s case? Will it ever be found? All a mystery

The 'Teddy Meter' is still stuck on grumpy, but this is probably due to an annoying little problem that continues to niggle me. Yes, the old tooth is putting in some token complaints again? After reading the American Trombonists book, I am hesitant in getting it fixed or pulled. So for now I will suffer in silence.

We did a bikers Funeral today with a bike and Sidecar Hearse. Our Hearse. About 100 bikes and 3 Limo's...very impressive.

The only thing that I did not understand,was, that on the Funeral was a bike that was worth about one hundred grand!!!!! And it nearly did not start?

Wayne

I didn't go to Band last night in case I was diseased with the sore throat. I did, however spend an hour blowing at home (my bone not my nose)
I checked my 'Teddy Meter' first thing this morning and it was still set at 'Not Happy'
A few things have happened today that have, shall we say, irritated me. I wont go into much detail about the first, but some folk are extremely insensitive.
Add to that the care and attention I put into making a completely horrendous body, into a viewable one and the Family say 'It looks nothing like them'????

I also got called to another company today to drive the Flower Hearse in front of a Horse Drawn carriage. A challenge in itself as it was my responsibility to stop all on coming traffic by blocking the road. This, I did enjoy as it all went like clockwork and all the motorists I met were 'switched on'

This week, I am off to find out what happened to Glenn Miller.
All will be revealed

Ken Dodd

Having gone to bed shattered last night, I had my usual reading session, then switched off the light for some well deserved kip. However, thanks to something tickling my throat all night (?) I managed to drop off 30 minutes before my alarm went of??? I don't know if it is the start of a cold or the lung full of decomposing body I got yesterday?
Needless to say. I am like a bear with a sore head today and very touchy grrrrr.

It helped therefore, when we did a Funeral, that a close relative of the deceased,was coming hundreds of miles to attend. This person knew the benefit system like the back of their hand and had got the travel money from the social (you, me and the workers etc) Now, anyone who knows me, also knows (that's a lot of knows) that I hate the morons who have never done a day's work in their lives and yet are draining the system dry. To prove my point. The person arrived from many miles away, but did not attend the Funeral. Instead, they emptied the deceaseds house of all the expensive stuff ,TV etc and then hightailed it back to where they came from??? with their booty, before any other member of the family, could fairly share it out.
Once a skank always a skank.

Bee

A cracking night at Band last night and the room was buzzing . I even got a couple of solo's under my belt on my new bone.
Playing a good solo is almost better than sex!!!! Only you don't get a round of applause at the end of that? That is, unless you are into 'dogging'? which I am led to believe involves a car a partner and an audience??? What a weird world we live in. Anyway my car is far to small for that sort of thing!!!!

Very sad to learn, that yet another member of the audience is very very poorly. Our thoughts are with them.

Not a joke.
Plans are being put into motion to exhume the body of Henry VIII. They want to do medical tests to see if his anger problems (chopping off heads is not the result of a bad day on the throne) (although I had one of those today) were due to an illness and thus, they can rewrite the History books. Fascinating.

Our City's Football team are playing abysmal at the moment. They have signed a new Chinese Striker called Winn Wonn Soon'!!

That was a joke.


Honest.


Our AGM is due next Sunday and with no motions/Items put forward is set to be the shortest meeting in the Band's History!!!!

Pyramid Selling

I think God put me on this planet to accomplish a certain amount of tasks? I am so far behind now, that I will probably live forever!!!

I have spent the last 2 hours sat at my PC, trawling through the e mails I have had enquiring about the Band. Numerous people don't bother there a**e to get back to me, even if I send out a polite reminder?
I also sell DVD's on a well known site, but only 1 in 5 bother to leave feedback, even when the item is posted within 24 hours.

Someone once said, that things like this should not anger you. that you have to accept that some folk have lower standards than yourself and instead of getting stressed just try and understand that this is the way they were brought up and they know no difference.

A Trombone friend of mine has just been burgled. he has worked hard all his life and been through some trying times and then this. Unfortunately we are going to see more of this as Car Insurance/petrol/Bills etc keep rising. The honest folk will be violated by the scum bags out there and until the law becomes 'A thing to be feared' then it will go on. You may all notice this year that your car insurance has risen dramatically. This is because the amount of uninsured drivers out there are draining the system and once again the 'decent' have to bear the brunt of it. The population of Egypt had the right idea with 'People Power' and until this slumbering Country wakes up, people will continue to be drained of thier hard earned money.

Bitter

I could almost class this as the perfect day? A lie in this morning. A visit to my old dad. Then Dog Sitting. Well I say sitting. I went to collect my partners Mum's dog as they had gone on a Girls Brigade SAS survival Course (eating worms and jumping over things). I took the Dog to a massive park with the intentions of a long walk on a beautiful day, followed by lunch at the Park cafe. Part one went ok, but covered in mud up to my knees and dog poo on my hands I arrived at the cafe. Problem was, that I could not go inside and had to shout my order through the open door? Now wearing my 'Invictus' hat and covered in mud with a growling dog beside me, it was a wonder I got served at all. The next delicate matter was how to eat a sandwich, knowing what might be on my hands? I managed it, by holding the paper plate up and sliding the sarnie into my mouth. This also drew disapproving looks from the other dog walking diners. They,no doubt,did not mind a bit of the old hound faeces on their hands, as they munched away at their bacon baps. The other problem was how to eat and drink whilst holding the dogs lead with one hand. Of course I solved this by putting the lead under the chair I was sitting on. This worked fine until an irresponsible owner (see getting the hang of it) walked past with his dog off the lead. Now,I have moved fast when I have spotted a female that I fancied, but not as fast as the dog I was looking after. It felt almost like Xmas again and santa on his sleigh, as my chair was dragged along the concrete patio by a randy Dog.. Now, covered in bacon, mud and coffee and tomato sauce, I made my excuses and left. The last part of the walk was best,as people like to come up and talk and stroke the Dog. One lady had a distinctive accent, which turned out to be German. I thought I would impress her with my basic command of the language. Apparently, when she translated what I had said, translated to, 'Good Day, would you like to come to a brothel with me and share a small beer'?? Surprisingly she was up for it, but as she was 95 I declined.
An eventful day and it has not stopped me wanting a dog of my own. I just looked at it, as a bit of an apprenticeship!!

Buddha side up

Mary had a little skirt, twas split right up the sides.
Every time she wore that skirt, the boy's could see her thighs.
She also had another skirt, split right up the front.
She doesn't wear that one anymore!!!!

Once again I am the only one at my work place, not to be paid. Everyone gets their cheque on a Thursday, but not me. Because I was out yesterday it has been forgotten. Now if we had 20 or so staff working there then I could understand it. But there are just three!!! of us.
The other blokes say I should ask for it? But I find that embarrassing and have never worked anywhere where I have had to ask for my money???

Went for a drink last night at our local watering hole. The Landlord was telling me about a prog he watched about Tibetan Funerals. He said that because there was a lack of wood for funeral pyres. The local undertaker carries the body up the mountain...dissects it...and leaves it for the birds to devour. The bird carries the soul away and everyone is happy (apart from the geezer who has snuffed it, that is) I somehow don't think that will catch on here??? Especially trying to lug a 20 stone body up Mount Tor for the sparrows to peck at...it would take years?

Juilliard

In the last 24 hours, two things have happened. One is heartwarming and the other was extremely surprising. At present I am reading a brilliant book entitled 'Diary of a Young Musician' ( Final Day's of the Big Band Era) by Felix Mayerhofer. Now to describe this book as fascinating, would be a great understatement. I can't put it down. In fact, I am staying awake in bed reading it and it's getting later and later before I put the light out to try and sleep. hence I have bags bigger than Katy Price's fun bags, under my eyes. It tells the story of a young Trombonist who during the 40's worked his way up to play in the named Big Bands in the USA. He entered the world of Drug's, Drinking and Women whilst on the road (See how life has got boring for me, as all I have experienced is Vick's Nasal spray, Tonic Water and OAP's) and also had a stint in an Air Force Band. Even if you are not a Trombone player. Even if you are not a musician. I urge you to buy this book as it is a superb read and it will stay in my collection forever. You can check out details by clicking the title above. The heartwarming part is, that I found an e mail address for Mr Mayerhofer and he sent a lovely e mail of which I have had permission to print below.

'When you’re tired at work from reading my book, why not take a nap in one of your comfortable caskets? You should take advantage of the opportunity! You really are a creative undertaker who is truly an author. I read all your blogs and they had me in stitches. I’d buy your humorous books immediately. Humor is humor no matter what country it’s from, and yours is FUNNY! A couple of questions: How did you happen to find out about my book? And where did you purchase it? I gather you played trombone in the service. By coincidence the only other undertaker I’ve ever know was also a trombonist. He dropped out of college where I knew him. A few years later I was playing in Florida when this same trombonist, wearing a black suit, saw me in a restaurant as I was sitting next to a window. He rushed in and hugged me like he was measuring me for a casket. He told me he was now an undertaker attending a convention in Florida. I swear he looked like Boris Karloff., with even a slight speech impediment. My whole body sort of shivered that entire evening during the gig. I also played “Song of India” with my high school jazz band. The mention of that song brought back good memories. Thanks for writing me, I really appreciated it. Check out my website, Felix Children Stories You’re a funny man. Take care, Felix'

How nice is that.

Now the spooky surprising thing that happened today. I was tasked to work with another Funeral Company today. I did not want to go, as it meant an early start and no overtime pay. However something made me decide to take it. I noticed the surname of the deceased and realised that I recognised it?. I also saw a face I recognised and asked one of the mourners the chaps first name. It turns out that it was a long lost cousin who I had not seen for 35 years!!! When he found out, most of the Family came across and kissed me (the women not the men). In fact I have never had so many kisses in one day. I was embarrassed but delighted as this means I can make a start on my family history. But what were the chances of me being in the right place at the right time????

I read in the paper today, that a local MP has swore to get prostitution off the streets and drive it underground.
Great news for the Miners me thinks?

Liquorice

Good blow last night and a better crowd too. I was talking to the lead player and he said that he got changed in the same room as the clarinet player Acker Bilk had been in. Mr Acker had left one of his old reeds behind, so the bone player kept it as a souvenir??? I told him to sell it on E Bay but he reckoned that no one would believe it belonged to Mr Bilk. I told him that they could use DNA testing if they were that bothered???

Talking of E Bay. I sold a mouthpiece at a great loss today. When you take off Postage and fee's it is abysmal what you get back. My fault for being so generous with the starting price though.

An old mate of mine has just been done for stealing a lorry load of Tippex.
They have sent him to a Correctional Unit for a year?

Brigadoon

My task today (apart from tea boy and general dog's body) was to chauffeur the Bag Piper around to a Funeral. I put up with him warming his pipes up. I put up with him playing 16 different versions of Amazing Grace. I put up with him, when I caught sight of his right hairy gonad making an unscheduled appearance from under his kilt. Then I shot him!!!!

Who in God's name decided to put a bag and tubes on the end of a perfectly nice sounding chanter??? Having been on numerous tattoos with 'pipers' and been woken at 5.30am with them practicing outside my window, I have to say, that there is no love lost between me and the blokes in skirts.

I was told that there was a play on in town about Glenn Miller??? Of course I had to book tickets as this should be very interesting? I wonder how they will do it??

My partner always keeps and empty milk bottle in her fridge. I asked her why?? She said, well it's for you, because you drink Black Coffee???

Wayne to go

You must have seen those great Western Movies of the 60s where the film ends with the baddy. and the goody preparing for a quick draw shootout. Well 50 years on, I had my own shootout yesterday. I was on Hospital visits, and as usual all the Car Parks were full. I pulled up at one barrier to the car park and to the side of me was another barrier. About 10 minutes later (yes 10 bloody minutes) another car pulled up by the side of me. We both looked at each other, knowing, that when the touch screen car park sign flashed from full to spaces, that the quickest to touch the screen would get in. At the same time we both spotted a nurse making her way to her car, and knew, that when she reached the exit barrier, then one of us would win the draw. It was tense as we stared each other out, keeping one eye on our screens (bloody hurts your eyes that). The seconds ticked away as the nurse approached the exit. I noticed a bead of sweat appear on the top lip of the driver next to me. The exit barrier raised and we both went for the screen. Blowing the imaginary smoke from my finger I drove into the empty space!!!! I would live to park another day.

Good blow last night and really enjoyed the whole evening. It was commented on how well balanced the Band was. Cracking night and new bone holding up well.

I have gone all romantic this year and booked a table for two for me and my partner. Gosh I hope she can play snooker

Fair Dinkum

I decided to throw away some old clothes this weekend (my bell bottom trousers and pink shirts, of which I hoped would make a come back) On searching the pockets of some old trousers, I found a receipt for some shoes that I had took in for repair in March last year. I had completely forgot about them so went down to the shop. I gave the bloke the receipt with a grin, and he looked at me and said 'They will be ready next Wed mate'!!!

I have not moved from my PC since getting up this morning. In fact I am eating my Sunday Dinner whilst typing this (Pot Noodle and Crackers...times are hard). We have had a few band jobs come in and we are trying to give the fairest price to all considering the large hike in fuel costs. It is difficult though, as we are trying to bring the Big Band sound to as many as possible, by keeping it affordable. it would seem though, that the powers that be, have other ideas.

Now the text below was sent to me by a fellow musician. I make no apologies in printing it in full as it is refreshing that not everyone is held back by our new PC world.
The words are from an Australian PM by the name of Julia Gillard. It is your decision if you agree or disagree on what she says. I know what my decision is...




IMMIGRANTS, NOT AUSTRALIANS, MUST ADAPT.. .Take It Or Leave It.

I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Bali , we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Australians. ‘

‘This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles, trials and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom’

‘We speak mainly ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society . Learn the language!’

‘Most Australians (but not me) believe in God. This is not some Christian, right wing, political push, but a fact, because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture.’

‘We will accept your beliefs, and will not question why All we ask is that you accept ours, and live in harmony and peaceful enjoyment with us.’

‘This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this. But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about Our Flag, Our Pledge, Our Christian beliefs, or Our Way of Life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great Australian freedom, ‘THE RIGHT TO LEAVE’.’

‘If you aren’t happy here then LEAVE. We didn’t force you to come here. You asked to be here. So accept the country YOU accepted.’

Maybe if we circulate this amongst ourselves in Canada & USA , WE will find the courage to start speaking and voicing the same truths.

If you agree please SEND THIS ON and ON, to as many people as you kn

Can you see our MP's having the courage to write this???????????

Perculate

A plethora of literal talent we doth have in the Band per say!!!
Whats the chances of 2 of us poor stressed musicians appearing in the local rag at the same time???
Well today, I had a letter published (written 2 weeks ago!!) and my old mate the trumpet player had a mention in an article, involving a murder!!!! (committed in the Ballroom by professor Plum with a heavy wallet) His was much more interesting than mine though and by writing, he helped someone to solve a mystery from years ago. I am going to call him Miss Marples from now on.

I have just spent 6 hours shopping!!!!! with my missus (loosely) and I actually enjoyed it as only 5hrs and 30 minutes was handbag shopping, compared to the full allotted time. I did browse around an antique shop though and purchased a frame of Piccadilly Circus made out of old clock parts??? I don't need this and have not got a clue why I bought it! but it is over 38 years old and I did some major haggling to get it down to a mere fiver!!! See us blokes think that it must be worth a lot more, but in fact it's probably worth 50p,

We stopped off at a new cafe in town. After about 20 minutes a spotty pre pubescent, tattooed chewing gum and texting waitress came across to serve us. I said 'Is the coffee fresh'??? looking up from her Gooseberry phone she replied 'Yeah I think so ,cos we have only been open 4 days'???

Toilet Story

What horrendous wind last night. My bedroom window was rattling all night. The weather outside was pretty awful too.

I am always worried, that if I am at a church and get took short, that I have nowhere to go. I know I am trained in doing a 'shovel recce' in the Army and find a tree. But in a graveyard that is a no no. Of course Army training hardens you to these sort of things and whilst on exercise in Germany in the middle of Winter,I had to make one such trip. Because there were loads of trees, it was simple to place one's back up against one, crouch and do the bizzo. However. also wearing Combat trousers, 2 pairs of Long Johns and Army underpants, made the out splay more prominent,. So imagine my dismay, on looking down at the ground after a rather gratifying compo poo...that I saw nothing???
Seems the overhang of the undergarments was a little to pronounced as in the bottom of all the clothing lay the offending item. Nice to share isn't it?

Anyway, I was caught short but fortunately in a nice Catholic Church with a decent bog. I even think there was Holy Water in there and Nun's singing in the background (I don't think they were too pleased that I joined them in the khazi, but it was a rush) ah luxury.

Turtle Recall

Conscience? Now there is a word that is interesting. You either have one...or you don't. I suppose people like Scammers, Burglars, Fraudsters etc, fall into the category of 'Nil Feelings' So today, on hearing the news, that a lady, (debatable) who was running a Pet Crematorium, had been jailed because she had just dumped the bodies of the pets, telling their grief stricken owners they had been cremated. It was only when some animal carcasses were found dumped in a field, and were found to have identity chips, that this heinous person was caught out. Now you may wonder why I am writing about this. Well, today we have been hiding all the newspapers, as we know that a member of our staff took their pets to be cremated at this same place. They would be distraught if they found out (don't worry they don't read the Blog) as they loved their pets to bits. I hope it disappears from the news soon.

Going back down the pit soon? No time's have not got that hard that I am digging out my own coal (though. those times may be just around the corner) but show season is starting up again. I think I am in 3 this year but yet to be confirmed. What I do know though, that it is a world apart from Big Band reading and an education to me every time.

My partner is studying Latin. She has tried to convince me that 'Veni, Vidi, Visa....means. I came, I saw, I did a bit of shopping??

Blood Stone

They say there is nothing so sure in life than death and Tax’s. Well I know all about the first one. The second is a dread I have, about this time every year. You see ,I just know, that despite numerous telephone calls ,on an expensive 0845 number, that they will continue to bugger my tax up. I mean. I do not wish to pay to little, because I know millions drinking in pubs every day and who have no intention of working, depend on me. Now this is a great responsibility as you probably all realise? So why is it, that the guy at the end of the phone say’s ‘Oh that should not have happened’ and then ‘We will change it so it doesn't happen again’??? Well b*****s they have said that every year so far. 25 minutes later, the geezer has altered 1 bloody digit of my Tax Code to finally remove me from the Lord Sugar bracket. Muppets.

Good blow last night, but abysmal turn out in the audience. It was packed last week so I am not sure if the recession is kicking in with petrol and admission price and beer prices etc???

I was just reflecting on life on my journey to work. I was thinking of the very first time I had sex. In fact I still have the receipt.

Drift

Yesterday the world lost one of the greatest Film Composers of all times. John Barry had a phenomenal talent and his music could easily be identified by the rich bass tones he used. It did not matter what car you were driving, be it a clapped out Cortina or a Skoda. Once you started to play the James Bond theme, it turned into an Aston Martin? Take the stirring music away from Zulu and the film would only be mediocre. What a sad loss to the world of music. But of course, he will live on forever, because of it.

Also sad today as I attended the Funeral of one of our audience members. It's such a shame that you only get to hear what the person has done in life, after they die. He was a very quiet and private man, but loved his music. Indeed, the coffin entered to In the Mood. I also found out, that after his wife passed away, he turned his hand to oil painting. He also served with a local Regiment and saw action abroad.

I stood at the back of the Crematorium with another member of our audience. The vicar forgot to announce to the congregation to 'stand' on the first Hymn. So me and he stood....and the rest sat??? I glared at the vicar and on the next Hymn he said loudly 'All Stand' What I don't get is, that I thought everyone stood at the beginning of a Hymn without being told??? or is it the sheep effect again?