Aslon

I figure I got about 4 hours kip last night off and on. I am still breathing so my body must be putting up with it, although rebelling in some areas?

I am going to watch a play tonight that has in it's cast, a fellow musician. This guy is living the real dream, as he has been a Financial Advisor and intends to retire by the sea in his 50s.

I think I will take some rotten fruit and throw it. Not very nice, but will make me feel better.

Today we have had to have a coffin made which is bigger than my wardrobe at home. I can only say, that in years to come, it is set to get worse if something is not done. (about peoples weight, not my wardrobe)

Managed a short blow last night but am annoyed that I have only managed one training session? However,I realise that I need to be kind to myself at some point in life.

Attenshun!!!

I wont lie and say things are great at the moment, cos they ain't. But as was drilled into me many years ago.

'Soldier on'

There is really no other way to go. I can actually understand what my old Mum was going through now bless her. I am amazed that I still feel it hard to talk about.

Ashamed even.

But this is the 21st Century and so many people are suffering and still it seems as if it is taboo. I know that fellow sufferers follow the Blog and web site I have created, so I hope this is also a help to them in understanding 'it' better, following the up's and down's of a rather bumpy journey through life.

Still, it will pass (although at the time you never think so) and all will be well again for a time.

More than anything, I love my music. But even that becomes a chore during this?

Maybe tomorrow I will find my way?

I did get to Band last night and it is amazing what you can achieve when auto pilot kicks in?

The Landlady of the Pub gave the Band leader a bollocking because some of the Band were taking their own beer in.

One guy was so incensed he threatened to leave?

I can't blame them for doing this as the beer is expensive.But how simple to take your empties away with you so no one knows???

Nil by Mouth

Thought I was feeling better last night. This morning though I must have ran a couple more marathons in the night as totally knackered again. All very strange and worrying really.

It would seem that the problems in the Nether Regions are making a reappearance as well so pretty uncomfy at this time. Still I really trust the NHS (not) and there diagnosis last year!!! so why should I worry?

Saying that I still went to work and still trained yesterday (I thought I felt better!!!) and still practiced... as trying to fight through it?

Apart from that, I have had 6 hours of doing nothing and trying to do something? very very exhausting to say the least.

So this Blog is short because absolutely nothing happened!!!!

Nein Zilch

I had to miss the Band rehearsal last night because I felt so drained? I did not feel so bad though, when I found out that my old mate in the Band had fallen asleep on the sofa and completely missed it? Maybe the 'Overwhelming Tiredness Bug' is going around. It's also playing havoc with the old 'IBS' so getting loads of reading done.

I would like to thank my Energy provider for ringing me today, to put my mind at rest about a possible huuuugeee bill I might have to pay. Did they ring? Did they buggery. So another round of calls from me. Before I tell you the outcome, please read this taken off their 'How to read your Metre' web site.

How do I read a dial meter? These meters have clock-style dials. When recording your reading you should always record the lower number, except when the pointer is between nine and zero, in this circumstance the correct reading is nine.

So there you go. It must be a 9 if between 0 and 9........only it isn't? Or so the lady tells me ,on the helpline? So if I read it as a 0 in the first place ,that would take my Bill down to an acceptable ton or so???
Am I angry?
Have I complained?
Nope, cos I don't have the energy(pun intended)

Choc bar

The Ex Soldier that I met in town yesterday, was so hard that the SAS course he went on, got rid of him for being to tough. He was once in Bangkok when 4 locals attacked him with baseball bats outside a bar.
He didn't go down.
It was therefore satisfying that I shocked him with the size of my manky lip yesterday?

I went to bed early last night, knowing I would lose an hour anyway.
I got up this morning feeling as though I had ran 5 Marathons back to back (I wonder if I could be sleep running?)

A survey has gone round Funeral Directors asking their opinion on a new type of coffin they wish to introduce?

It is made from clear perspex and can be seen through from all angles.
Will it catch on?
Remains to be seen!!!

Powerless

I dragged myself around town today feeling utterly drained? It is ironic therefore, that I would bump into people I know, whilst looking as though I had been battered in the mouth with a Baseball bat?
One of the chaps I saw was from over 20 years ago and we still recognised each other.

I have also noticed, that when you are under the weather? that other things come along to try you.

I had to provide an Electricity reading last night. Quite a simple task, but I dreaded it after the Xmas Eve episode (you would have to trawl back) It would seem, that the reading I gave would put my quarterly usage at £1000!!!!!. I know I have given a correct reading, so something is really wrong. With that reading I would have to have a marijuana factory going or the rest of my street has tapped into my supply??
Racked with worry, I rang the energy provider and they told me 'That reading can't be right'??? Sorry pal, but I am sure it is and now I am worried sick (sicker).
Don't worry, we will send a representative out between 2 and 4pm today to check your figures. Ok I replied that will help. Will you please ring me when it's been done and put my mind at rest??
Of course, they replied.
Did they come?
No!
Did they ring me?
No!
Am I in the poo!!!
Probably.

I still managed a blow last night, although it was pretty painful to be honest. However, the show must go on as they say? I think I am having a sense of humour failure?

Soldiers

I am sorry, but I will have to poke in the eye, the next person who say's 'Ooooh that looks nasty' pointing to my Cold sore.

It is.

It hurts.

It ain't going.

I had to be DJ in the chapel again today. 2 Hymns played through an MP3 player and a fade out before the third verses kicked in. No pressure then?

I know a few vocalists who do not listen to the music and just sing away, In this case, the congregation was a line ahead of the music? I have no singing voice but I had to take over at a Fortissimo shout to get them all back on course.

The Vicar thanked me!! (I can't spend that?)

Do not read on if you are easily disturbed.

Again I reiterate my feelings about dressing bodies in suits and dresses.

Again I say it is no problem , if for burial, or it was the persons last wish.

A few weeks ago we were tasked with dressing a lady in Pants, Corset, tights, bra, slip, blouse ,skirt.and High Heels??

The blouse was white.

No matter how careful we are and how much wadding we use it can sometimes be pretty gross.

The person had a lot of cannula's in which had to be removed and bled when we had to lift her to get the top clothing on.

She also purged (was sick) all over the front.

Liquid leaked from her ears onto the pristine white top.

To make matters worse, it was a Cremation and we are starting to see more letters about the impact on the environment with burning man made materials.

Dignified?

I think not.

Please consider your own last wishes and make them known.

Some people feel they have not done enough in life for a person and try and make up for it in Death. It's to late. Do the nice things now?

For some unknown reason. The nice ladies at the Mortuary did not want to kiss me this morning.

I can't think why.

Sunny Side Up

After a restless night sleep, I was just getting ready to leave for work, when there was a knock on my door.

I opened it and there stood Kiera Knightley!!!

Hi, she said. I know you have what looks like half a fried egg stuck to your bottom lip, but I was just passing and have a couple of hours to spare. I was wondering if you could suggest anything??? to while away the time. then she winked at me!

So, I suggested the local Library as I was far to tired.

Ok, I made most of that up, but the last part is true. I have just purchased numerous cures and potions to try and get rid of this unsightly aberration from my lip. I did manage a blow last night, but also manged to tear half my face off,when I removed the mouthpiece from my lips. Nice.

Oh I am still laughing though as I just think b******s to it ha.

It's Houdini's 137th Birthday today. Not impressed though, as he still has not escaped from his coffin?

It was true British Spirit, that when a rumour went around, that the Budget would cut a 1p off fuel. That some petrol stations raised the cost by 1p, the night before
Fuel Britannia!!!

By the way. If you look at my bottom lip on the photo above, it is how I feel now.

Ostritch

I should have known.
I got up Tuesday morning feeling drained. By tea time I felt a tingling on my lip. Within a couple of minutes, I had a cold Sore the size of a small tropical island, on my lip.
It nicely sat, just where the rim of my mouthpiece goes. Did I wimp out of Band...no. But it has aggravated it and now is as big an Elephants A*se and glowing like a laser beam?
My Boss said that he never gets them. Well that's like saying to a blind person, that you can see perfectly well!!!
It hurts, it's sore and I am p*ssed off. It's another thing than runs in the family genes (yes that as well) and I have the set.
However, to prove that there was a period of time between birth and 15 that I had hair, see above.
Long wavy locks, that have long waved goodbye.

I am not moaning. A bit of a rough ride, but it has never stopped me. Just slows me down a tad.
I would like to know how I become so exhausted though. Although training when I feel tired is probably not helping??

I have to put this into perspective as a musician friend of mine has just lost his son in an accident. My thoughts are with him and his family.

I have been digging out old photo's. Some of which are published on a well known social site.
One is of me on the beach in Cyprus. As a mate commented 'Budgie Smuggling'
You will have to work that one out your self!!!

Don't Panic

If the Libya conflict gets any worse, they can always send for Britain's secret weapon (see above)

How's this for a great crime plot.

A small baby dies. Apparently it was smothered by the drug addicts fathers dog.
The dog is destroyed.
The father later changes his story to say, that he may have smothered the child accidentally
The mother is very poorly in Hospital and is oblivious to the situation?

Fact or Fiction? You will have to ask.

Have you seen those magic candles you can buy for birthdays. The person celebrating tries to blow them out and they relight again?
Well, today there was a fire at the factory that makes them??? when he was sleeping in bed with the baby.

Tin

Tension is certainly mounting at work and any stressful situation that could hit us, did today.
No work in over the weekend, so pressure is building.
Not the time then, for the PAT testing people to visit and completely bugger up the alarm system protecting the mortuary.
Not the time then, for one of the Limo doors to fail and not shut, resulting in me having to sit in the back, hanging on for grim life, while my mate drove it to the mechanics.
Not the time then for the Tax people once again to bugger up my Tax and admit it was there fault.
It's been a s**t day.

Played ok last night with a couple of solo's and a dodgy one. 2 out of 3 is ok at this time though.

Was thinking back to Saturday. There were about 6 octogenarian ladies sitting together listening to the Band. They had all seen their husbands off and were out for a night of debauchery?? Everyone sat with a Bitter lemon in front of them. Apart from one old dear, who had a pint of Lager. Proud of her even though she took 3 hours to drink it. (I think I noticed a packet of Woodbine's in her pocket as well)
Ah what a woman!!!!

Armour Get on

Enjoyed the drive to and from the gig last night. What a massive moon last night.
I must stop driving with my bum out of the window!!!

Although the acoustics were a little dead last night, I actually played the 'Under my Skin' solo better than before. I think this was also due to the great tempo our drummer set. ( I taught him all I know lol see above)

Have we learned no lessons in life about Wars.
Gaddafi is comparing the bombing taking place on his country as 'Like an Hitler invasion'!!
For a small Country we seem very keen to get involved in big fights. If all the Eastern countries we have invaded/targeted decide to gang together and take on the UK...well, I will leave it to your imagination.
I don't know why, but they all seem hesitant to accept our offer to make their countries more civilised and more like us?
I mean, surely they would like a page 3 model in their papers resplendent with a burka and their chappies on full display?
Or great TV progs like Peaches Geldhof doing an interview. Or maybe Big Brother. Now their is cutting edge TV.
They surely want their kids standing next to the Mosque with a tin of Special Brew in their hands?
Or even empty Churches, because we are too busy on our X boxes and Play stations and have forgotten the true meaning of our existence ?
Do they not realise what they are missing?????

Big mistake last night. I did not manage to get to the buffet on time and so had to go after packing kit down. It was very late to eat...Olives.....Brie....Stilton.......Crackers.........cake
Did I pay...............

Small nose

Yesterday we had an environmental health inspection. It was also Red Nose day? I had the idea that when the inspector walked into the Coffin shop, that I was stood there making up a coffin completely stark b*llock naked with just a red nose on my little soldier?
They wouldn't let me do it the spoil sports?

Busy weekend of music and back on the road again. Great stuff.

I have just saved myself £20 quid by buying a hair trimmer (yes for the little I have left) off e bay. Times are hard and it pays to shop around.

By the way I am the one on the right?

Tube

I have to say, that this has been a pretty rotten week. It's not looking much better next week either? I have worked out, that I have now been an undertaker longer than my Dad!!!
He tells me, that if the people who are living in the building that was the Funeral Home, dig up the cellar floor, they will find lots of German War paraphernalia that his brother brought back from the war???
Don't think I will knock on the door and tell them though!

My tooth is giving me real probs now and i still have to wait until the end of April for my appointment, as I have to be ill in my own time?

I have just gone and bought a real expensive aftershave.
It smells of Breadcrumbs.
The birds love it?

Manson

I was watching a programme about Marilyn Monroe last night. I had already read numerous books about her and am even more convinced now ,that she was murdered. I make no apology in reproducing her photo taken in the Mortuary, as I have seen many bodies and many causes of death and this does not look like a normal overdose to me. What a sad time this girl had. She had the world at her feet and yet suffered from chronic insomnia and self doubt. Oh how I wish I could have spoken to her. Knowing now, that the brave smile she was putting on for the cameras was just a shield as inside she was dying. How hard it must have been for her.

Still not looking good work wise. We have one Funeral this week and it is scheduled for half an hour after I knock off. Of course I will do it and get the time back as I do not put in for paid overtime. Nice aren't I????

I have just purchased an all in one device which is a Truss and a Calculator.
Well at least I can count on my own support?

Sows Ear

When I take my last breath. I do not want to be dressed in my own clothes. I do not want any makeup putting on??. I do not want my hair doing? (wont take long if I did) If I get to wherever I am going and have to spend eternity with my arse hanging out the back of a shroud,then so be it.

I realise why ladies take so long to get ready to go out now.
A couple of weeks ago I was tasked with using hot hair tongues to put curls in a ladies hair. Now I have learned from the last time I tried this as the curlers and hair began to smoke (I did not know they only needed a couple of seconds around the follicles)?
So after a lesson learned, I accomplished this task with no problem and for a bloke with no hair I was pretty chuffed.
My next task was to put lipstick on (the body not myself) Now this is not so easy. you can't actually say 'purse your lips please' I had about 10 attempts as the lippy was going everywhere but on the mouth? I managed it in the end by placing the lipstick on the end of a cotton bud and applying it that way!!! Clever eh?
All this and the lady was being cremated? Again, no problem if the deceased requested it, but often wonder, if they didn't and are looking down, what they would think?

I had to ask for my pay today, most embarrassing. The reason I did not get it last week, is because my Tax code had not changed? Nor had my wages gone up or down and are the same as they were 3 years ago.

I really do believe in reincarnation.

To prove it.
Mozart at 4 years of age, was composing Minuets.
At age 6 he was playing before Kings
At age 8 he performed the works of Bach and Handel before the English Court.

These days at age 4 some kids have their first ASBO
At 6 have mugged someone
At 8 are in care.

Ah progress

Cough

Last year ,I was tasked to cut some panels up,to put on the mortuary wall to cover damp spots.
As I was cutting them, a Florist came in and asked what I was doing. My employer said, that I was cutting panels but not to worry as that were only made of asbestos. She looked concerned, but I thought my employer was joking.
Turns out these panels are asbestos? But I am assured, that it is safe asbestos?? Phew was worried for a while

I have still not been paid for last week (rest of staff have) To be fair I was off but it is now Tuesday and I dare not ask for the money ,as the atmosphere is a little fragile. (it's ok though as I can always loan some money of me old mate the trumpet player). They must have a lot on their minds as tough times are coming.

I suddenly realised when I was practicing last night, that because this new Trombone is smaller, it does not fit into my neck as well as the large bore. In fact it is throwing my embouchure out a fraction! I am sticking with it though and hope I will adapt.

I know that some people never forget when something bad happens to them ( I am at fault as well, as anyone who has deliberately done me wrong, is on a list). It would seem that some folk are not sympathetic to the Japan disaster. Messages have been written and sent out by e mail that 'It's not nice when something sneaks up on you without any warning. Remember Pearl Harbour'
To those that were personally touched by that part of History I can understand how the hatred runs deep. But not sure, if that is the way forward to a better world?

A friend of mine has been told he has claustrophobia and agoraphobia.
He spends most of his time standing in doorways!

Health and Safety?

I actually went to work with a spring in my step and a smile on my face (unfortunate for an undertaker) this morning. It lasted approximately 30 seconds. I was greeted by one of my employers with a grim looking face. I asked after there health, thinking they were poorly. But no. I was told that if more work did not start to come in, then the business would go under!!! and they would not be able to afford wages.
I figured that they might be a bit stressed, as they had just got back from 10 days in Spain, where they had just purchased their 4th holiday apartment. A rough time ahead for some then I think.

Back to Big Band playing last night and a shock to the old lip, especially with Under My skin following on from Night Train. Good to be back though.

Just a reminder to myself for the future. Asbestos. This may mean nothing to you, but could have put my health in jeopardy in the future. I may elaborate when I have the facts.

Golf

They do say that 'Good things come in three's' (or have I made that up??)
Well last Saturday I won a tenner on the old Lottery. I purchased another ticket and won a Tenner last Wednesday (eat your heart out RTW) so I figured that this Saturday would be the big one.
Getting home from the show last night, I sat down to read the daily paper. Inside was an envelope saying 'Is there cash inside' there never is...but this time there was? A fiver!!! I figure I now have enough for a doorbell for my dream house by the sea.

My Dad told me that he had read, that drinking one cup of coffee a day lessens the risk of having a stroke by 25%.
Well I drink 8 cups a day , so that is me and the neighbour sorted then.

They had made a recording of the show, but the balance was not that good. However, what I did hear was not bad at all, so job done.

It would seem that us 'humans' deal with tragedy by making a joke out of it. I have received numerous texts about the Japan earthquake.
Strange then, that I do not wish to share them with you.

The real world now awaits and I can feel the tentacles of doom approaching already. Oh happy Day's

P.S Seems the saying might be 'Good things come in four's) Just checked last night's lottery and won another tenner...so that's enough for a letter box as well!

Going through the Change

Did you know that 'Dancing' was once described as 'A perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire'?
It will be good to get back to the flexibility of the Dance Band playing, as the show comes to an end.
I can't say I have been excited with my playing this time, as I actually found it frustrating with all the mute and Clef changes. Also the room opposite made me feel uncomfy because for the last 7 days I have looked at the word Euthanasia!!! (The other photo is of a painting that impressed me at the College;

It was interesting that a certain name of a musician (?) came up from the past whilst in the pit. My ears did prick up when I heard it and what I heard, confirmed what I already knew, that the guy was an egotistical prat. But nice to know that he has been an a**e with others as well.

I have a recurrence of symptoms that led me to calling my own ambulance over a year ago. If the incident does happen again, then I think I will react a little calmer???

Strange things put in wills

To my wife. I leave her lover, and the knowledge that I wasn't quite the fool, she thought I was.

To my Chauffeur. I leave my cars. He almost ruined them and I want him to have the satisfaction of finishing the job!!

Oooohhh me Back

An earthquake 8000 times more powerful than the one in New Zealand has hit Japan. I was amazed when listening to the BBC 24 channel that it was announced, that all public transport was running as normal??? The Japanese people were calm and organised but had time to tweet and post on Facebook!!! as mobile phone signals had been disrupted.
I wonder what would happen in the UK if this happened...
I think you know.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced he is going to make another Terminator Film. At age 63 I wonder if he will now say 'I Vant your Bootz, your Clothes and your Zimmer Frame'?

I decided that at midnight last night that I would un-install my virus software and install a newer version.
At 1.30am this morning I was tearing my hair out (chest) as my PC had completely frozen. Another hour and I had sorted it. Which re enforces the saying 'If it ain't broke, don't p*ss about with it'

Only 3 performances to go now and then the real world is waiting for me. One of the musicians in the Orchestra is a financial Advisor. he is only 50 and aims to finish work and move to the coast in a couple of years. I wish I could get my hands on the Financial Advisor who instructed me when I was in the Army!!

Just bought a new CD entitled 'The Best of Marcel Marceau' Can't wait to listen to it!
(think about it?)

Sunk

Thought I had lost the knack of writing letters to the paper, but my 'Titanic' one was in today. They did edit it though, removing the reference to Leonardo Cappuccino and Kate Flannelet?? Can't think why?

A neighbour of a benefit cheat has shopped them to the papers. This girl has been on the scrounge since leaving school. She got married?? and left her husband asking the Social for money to move and £3000 for new kitchen gear. They paid up. The neighbour went round to visit and said that the kitchen appliances,looked like her old stuff? It is, she proudly replied, I am using the money to have a holiday abroad, as they never check the receipts?
I am now pushing for a 'National don't go to work day' and have one every month until the Country grounds to a halt, or the politicians finally stop robbing the workers to give to the shirkers?
Just me then?

An old musician friend of mine is in Hospital. The vicar was making his rounds when my mate asked the man of cloth, that when he prayed, could he ask God if they had a Big Band in heaven?
The next day the Vicar visits again and tells my mate 'Yes they do have a Big Band in Heaven' bad news is you are doing the 'Sentimental Over You' solo tomorrow night????

Played a bit better last night, but realised, having used most of my Holiday entitlement up, that I have a long old haul until the next one. It also sounds as if work is not picking up at all. Grim day's to come me thinks!!

They don't like it up em.

It's a well known fact, that men do not like going to the Doctors!
I can explain why.
Because I am off this week I booked an appointment to see a lady doctor. My employer likes you to be ill in your own time and thus I saved a couple of things up to visit the quack with.(I like to completely fill my 6 minute spot)
Arriving with ten minutes to spare I went to the self check in touch screen. Working my way through the 15 different languages, I found the English speaking button at the bottom (ouch) and signed in.
I noticed 5 chairs in the waiting room. Only the middle one was free the other 4 being taken up by ladies.
Sitting down I immediatley honed in on both conversations.
On my right, the old dear was talking to the other lady about how she had been up all night with sickness and the runs whilst coughing all over her as well.
Turning to my left to avoid the germs, the other lady was talking about, and I quote 'Her heavy Discharge' (gulp...groan) and a 'Smear test' For god sake...I am sensitive, you know!!!.
I finally got called to the lady doctor. I knew I had to have my bum examined and I much prefer a lady to a man looking at my black hole of Calcutta. Suspecting I had the start of another Farmer Giles she inserted an un-lubricated finger up my chuff and said 'I think you have the start of a farmer Giles there...if it get bigger come back' It has got bigger, I replied...yes but if it gets bigger come back.... Ok Doc, the next thing is a couple of skin blemishes that have changed shape and got bigger.
Let me look she say's...hmmmmm.........Yeeeeeessss.....Hmmmmmm. Ok, if they change shape or get bigger come back. They have I replied.
'Next', she shouts.
Yes folks this is the great NHS.
So I am documenting this here just in case anything untoward happens and I can say 'Told you so'

I think the reason I am like this, is because of my poor old Mum.
She kept going back and forth to the Doc's. 'It's yer nerves Mrs M' they told her. No it's not she pleaded. After numerous visits of being told it was her 'nerves' They finally said...'Oh it's not your nerves it's the big C. If it gets bigger or changes shape come back.....grrrr.

I did not play as well last night and my lip did not feel all that good. A couple of things went wrong on stage and a prompt was needed. Another musician missed a cue, so I do not feel to bad about it. I think it's due to all the quick Mute changes. Play 6 bars, put a mute in, play one bar, take the mute out.....

I have never understood, whilst doing a Burial, why the Minister says.
In the name of the Father, and in the name of the Son, into the hole he goes!!!!

We love you

The dress rehearsal last night and all went well. I am disappointed that we are not near the stage as there seems to be quite a few half naked lady dancers in the show and I am missing it!!!
I spoke to a few musicians last night asking what they did for a living. It was how I expected. one was at the Conservator of music and the others mostly music teachers. I was asked what I did and this is the bit I do enjoy. I proudly said 'Undertaker'......Deathly (pun intended) silence. I love it.

The old tooth started to play up again last night. I am trying to hang on until my appointment in April as trying to get in before then is almost impossible.

Had a nice letter from my Cousin this morning. She sent some photo's and articles about my Grandad. I never met him as he died a few weeks before I was born. It seems he was a well loved man and was affectionately known as 'pop's
He was a Panel beater at Sanderson and Holmes and was so good at his trade that when Rolls Royce wanted something special, they sent a chauffeured car to fetch pops?
Strange then, that I went for an apprenticeship as a millwright and I did not know this. ( I also was into snooker and fishing something else he loved)
I proudly show his photo above.

Decided to use another week of my hol allowance up whilst on show (we have no work on anyway). Went into town and bumped into our singer. Bless him, he was angry that he had made an error on one of his numbers. Crikey he thinks he is alone? we all do it and some of us beat ourselves up about it. As he said he is a perfectionist and hates it when it goes wrong. They would not have put rubbers on the end of pencils if we were all perfect.

Talking of Dentists another true epitaph of a demised one..

Stranger, approach this place with gravity.
John Brown is filling his last cavity!!!

Lambath

The Band call flew past yesterday with no time to think. Not many cuts in show, so the transposing I did was worthwhile? This time the Orchestra are positioned in a room upstairs whilst the cast are on stage downstairs??? I did not know how long the rehearsal would take, so got a dep to play in the Big Band at night. I got home with 2 hours to spare and was then at a loose end (no pun intended) so decided to go for a drink and have a listen. It was a great sound that hit me as I walked in the room and very proud of the bones as well.

I have a load of books to read piling up on my bedside table. I love autobiographies and reading about other peoples lives. I was in a charity shop today when I saw the marathon runners Paula Radcliffe's book. However I did not want to spend £6 on a book that only says 'Went for a run. Stopped for a poo' not very gripping that!!!

I wrote a letter to the paper (again!!!) 10 days ago about a 'Titanic' exhibition I had been to see. I was pretty chuffed with the way it flowed and how humorous I thought it was??? It's not been published, so I must be failing with my writing skills?

I am a bit annoyed, that after finally catching up with a cousin after 30 years, that my phone broke and I have now lost his number?? I hope he does not think I am being funny and gets back in touch?

Sooty

I spent most of yesterday, people watching in town, whilst my partner shopped for her 1000th Handbag
I worked out the following.
The ratio of foreign looking people to English looking people (all colours) was about 2 to 1.
The number of girls/ladies pushing prams and not wearing wedding rings was extremely high.
Girls aged from about 16 to 19 all dressed and looked the same?

I don't know what this proves but I did find it mildly disturbing. I also observed the Shopping centre cleaner.
His/Her job was to visit the piece of carpet the 8 seats were positioned on and sweep it every 10 minutes? I had to raise my legs 4 times (shows how long I was waiting?) whilst he swept under my feet. I had not eaten anything nor dropped anything whilst I had sat there...but he had to sweep my spot anyway??? The whole experience was almost Groundhog Day ish!!!!

Spent my last hour on show pad last night, so I can't do anymore. There is a good chance that the parts I have rewritten will be cut anyway?

Yet another true Epitaph this time by a poet.

Here lies my wife: here let her lie.
Now she's at rest.
And so am I...

Ppppperfect

The thought of sitting down for 2 whole hours watching and old Monarch stumbling over his words, did not fill me full of the joys of Entertainment.
However, Oscars are given out cos the Films are good and the King's Speech was gripping throughout.
Myself and my partner held our breath as poor King George the sixth tried to get his words out.
We held our breaths again when the teenager in front of us, who had spent the entire film texting, let go of an obnoxious trump!!!
A true story and very poignant. The old Queen Mum inspected my boots once on Parade. I did not know the story of her husband at that point, but then again I could not have been more proud anyway.

A lady rang the Funeral Home yesterday and asked if she could have some information. It turns out that she had been to view a body at another Funeral Company and had been extremely upset.
She was aghast that he had been dressed in his clothes and said it looked as though he was going to a party!!! and it was all wrong?
She asked if all bodies were dressed in their own clothes.
Of course, the answer is no. Only if the Families ask for it and I wish they wouldn't unless the person who has passed away actually requested it!


Finally, a true inscription on a Gravestone

Once I wasn't.
Then I was.
Now I ain't again?

Kenya Do Something?

I don't like telling Irish jokes because it always infers that they are a little slow in the up take. So there was this bloke from Albania called paddy. He went for a job at a chemical plant. The foreman asks paddy if he had worked with chemicals before. Begora top of the morning of course I have replies paddy. Can you tell me what nitrate is asks the boss.Time and a half I hope replies paddy!!!
Spent an hour practicing and an hour transposing last night. It's amazing how much I have forgotten (or at least slowed down on) since playing Tenor Clef in Brass Bands? Had a lady came into the office to say that she was not paying for a Funeral as she had not arranged it?? However she had sat with the Funeral Director and signed a form???? I was touched last night with a Red Nose day programme about the slum city in Kenya. These people have nothing and work all the hours in the day to earn a few shillings, to feed there family. They live in corrugated huts and there is no hot water or toilets? Yet they were so polite and welcoming? I had sat and had a huge tea and took it for granted and yet they are scavenging on refuse dumps??? It's all so very very wrong. When I see the dross that have never worked and are raking it in on benefits, I figured the Government should charter planes, put all these lazy gits on it with loads of donated building material, and make them work for their money and do some good as well???

Pom Pom

Had a reply from the American trombone player reference the use of amplification in the 40s and 50s big bands. I print his reply below

'Microphones were used quite early as big band and vocalists realized their convenience. Band vocalists, mostly males at the beginning, used megaphones, the type cheer leaders used to use. The bands I was with did radio remotes from small towns. The engineers used one mic for the band sitting high in front and it worked well. All the bands I ever played with never used a microphone, for soloist or anyone, except the vocalist. I hate it when bands use microphones, they sound distorted and unbalanced. You’re right, they sound better without it.'

I am ashamed to say, that I too, rely on a microphone for solo's as the volume of Big Bands has risen over the years as more complex arrangements hit the music stands? But hope one day that we will go full circle and get the real sound, with real balance and everyone listening.


I spent over an hour on the new show pad last night. I should have a lip like Colonel Gaddafi's sphincter muscle soon.......very flexible!!!!

Just about to leave work when we got a call out. Only 2 of us in the office so I had to do it. I will be honest. When I took the call from the Nursing Home I could not understand what the nurse was saying ,as she was from foreign shores. Which made me think..if I can't understand...what chance have the poor residents got??

Is Golden

Last night the pa system blew up which meant none of the instruments were playing through mic's . Me and the lead bone player looked at each other, because we both realised the band sounded better than ever before and was suddenly very balanced.
Having a chat in the break ,we discussed the old time bands who never had the modern amplification systems. But what about the vocalists??? Well, we can only presume that the Band played as low as possible, so that they and the audience could hear the singist?
I will find out about this from a man who is sure to know.

I have sadly just finished the book about the American Trombonist Felix. It was a fascinating read and this fine musician also dabbled in becoming a comedian as well? He unfortunately had to give up playing because of ill health. He is still alive and well though and writing children's book. What a wonderful human being.


I heard today, that there are 2 types of Widow's.
The Bereaved.
And The Relieved!!!

No Hare!

Mein Gotten Hemmel Hempstead. It's March already? That means doing my Laundry, making the bed and hoovering the carpets. Then I have to do it all again the same time next year!!!

The saga of the 'Falling Headstone' continues. Of course it is a Council Graveyard and they are untouchable. It turns out that they are blaming us for an unsafe memorial and it was the bearers fault for pushing it over??? Once again they have us by the short and curlies? I still say though, that if a child had brushed past it and was injured all hell would have broken loose with compensation etc?

I sat down for a good hour with the new show pad last night before I went out. It is a tad challenging but feel a bit happier now I have got me head around a few of the more challenging passages.


Played for the Bulimia Society Dinner Dance last night.
The Dance floor was heaving...
Sorry!!!