Royal Pardon

My mate at work is fuming. He washed his England shirt and hung it out to dry overnight.
When he got up in the morning, someone had nicked the 2 pegs!!!

Ok I will be quite honest here. Last night the Band were far to loud. I wont mention which section as I might be accused of having a phobia against them (!). The lead bone player would not agree with me. That was until they drowned out his solo.
I also watched a few of the audience go and get toilet paper, screw it up and shove it in there ears. I went and asked why and they said 'The ** are too loud' Now they are paying good money to listen to good music and this should not happen. I told them that they need to make there thoughts known to the Band Leader, but being typical British they said they would suffer in silence????.

I actually managed 4 hours kip last night but still feel like one of our guests!!
I think a rather large cold beer is deserved for tonight?

By the way. Whats the difference between a VuVuzela and a woman.
Well, one makes an irritating noise down your ear when you are trying to watch footie.
And the other is a Musical Instrument!!!!

Delaid to rest

Did you know that five out of three people have trouble with fractions?

Having averaged about 2 hours sleep per night over the last 3, it would be an understatement to say that I am grizzly.
This is about par for the course though and I am well aware of the reasons why and I just have to roll with it.
The heat has not helped today and the inconsiderate hearse driver from another firm. Instead of waiting for the Funeral Director he insisted that he wanted his lunch so muggins here had to do a 20 mile round trip to take him back, when actually I was only 2 miles for our premises.

And finally.
A lady from Basingstoke was surprised to receive a phone call from her Grandad.
She was surprised because he had been dead for 6 months.
BT apologised and told her that the call had got lost in the system!

Fawkes Off

I thought that Bonfire night had come early as I drove back from Band last night. Little fires in most gardens. Then I realised, it was a ceremonial burning of the England flags.
A hot blow last night and I managed to get through 'Too little time' with most of the notes in the right place.
I also did a complex solo on the VuVuZela which took many hours of practice to perfect. The M/C did make a reference to my flatulence problem but he was kinder than my Doc, when I asked him what he had for excessive wind?
He gave me a kite.
A work mate is seeing a Councillor to help him stop drinking.
Apparently it's working, as now he never has a drink between 8 and 9pm on a Wednesday.
I have trained as usual in the house. Because of the heat I am lucky to have a fan in the house.
I wish he would stop chanting my name though, it's most off putting.

Ice and Lemon

'Some like it hot' was a great film, but not everyone likes the actual thing. Last nights venue was extremely warm and we only had a small stage to perform on. There was going to be Mutiny on the Bandstand from some, if we had to wear Jackets and Hats. However our M/C stoically wore his throughout the Concert. The remarks varied from 'Is he supposed to be that colour' to 'Is it a new way of losing weight'? (I went to the Docs once and asked how I could get rid of 16lbs of ugly fat.He replied 'Cut your head off!!!)
Actually it was a nice little gig and I thoroughly enjoyed the blow. We even bumped into our ex drummer and it was great to catch up with him and his missus.
Talking of Doctors.
I was in the waiting room once when this slightly deaf guy walked in.
The receptionist asked him what was wrong.
In a very loud voice he shouted 'There is something wrong with my penis'
The receptionist went mad at him. She basically told him that it was not nice to say that and in the cause of dignity please tell her that there was something wrong with his ear?
So the bloke shouted out loud.
'There is something wrong with my ear'
The receptionist asked him 'What's wrong with your ear sir'
To which the bloke loudly replied.
'I can't piss out of it'

Pate

Apparently this is a true story (it must be true it was in the papers)
A Brother and Sister living together in Holland did not get on due to his foul temper. One day he told his sister he was going to bed and not to be disturbed 'Or else'
She let him lay in bed...for 4 years. When they found him he had been dead since the day he went to bed. She said that she thought he was going out at night for meals.
Now I have smelt a decomposing body after only 2 weeks and on one occasion you could smell it as you turned into the street, so how she could have lived with that for all those years is beyond me.
Most of the day was very good today, what with a bike ride and a trip to the lake to feed the ducks. Also I had a nice lunch out. Then Botty disaster struck and I had to hightail it home in the car. Spoiled what was turning out to be a great day?
Another case in the paper was about a lady who went to the doctors because every time she sneezed she had an Orgasm. The doctor asked her what she had been taking for it.
She replied 'Black Pepper'
Watched the final series of Gavin and Stacey last night. Very sad as it was a great feel good comedy. I maybe sense a pattern here with Families as my collection consisting of The Royle Family, My Family and the Vicar of Dibley!! and many more.
Part of the story line of G and S was a couple not being able to get pregnant as he had a low sperm count.
I had a mate who had that. In fact when they counted them, he only had 3 and 2 of them had Arthritis...poor lad.

Victor Meldrew

In my fridge is a bottle of nettle wine. I have never drank it yet as it already feels as though I have an whole nettle bush up my bot??? So I do not think it would do me any good at all?
Trouble is with specialists. You have to wait 8 weeks to see one and then they ask why it has taken you so long to come and see them????

No work today and 6 hours felt like 12. I must stop looking at my watch (actually it's broken but it tells the correct time twice a day)

Our lady vocalist has caught a throat bug and has now got a gravelly voice. I told her she could still sing some Louis Armstrong numbers!!! but she wasn't impressed.

It would seem some shoddy workmanship has taken place. A grave dug many years ago was purchased for three. However when they opened up to re inter, they found they could only get one more coffin in???
That is an interesting job being a grave digger and especially on re openers. You literally have to dig down until you reach the coffin lid. I remember a story that my Dad told me about his Dad. they both went to reopen a grave in the cemetery. The first coffin had been down for many years. they just got to the lid when my Grandads foot went through? It made a horrible squelch and apparently my Grandad shot out of the grave...nice!!!!

Dead Old

Well it looks like I am going to have to work until I am 103 to draw a pension. That should be interesting, carrying a coffin into church on a mobility scooter. I don't mind working to this age if they are going to stop sending my money to the unmarried mothers, druggies and lay abouts. Pretty fair that if they all work then so shall I?

A petition has been put forward to get an extra Bank Holiday to celebrate St George's day. I am all for it, as any time off, is good time. I have a mate who named his Children after the Holidays. He has George after St George, Andrew after St Andrew and Pancake after...... (keeping the old jokes alive)

I never shy away from Politically incorrect jokes so...
What does a Fat girl and a Moped have in common?
They are both fun to ride, as long as nobody See's you!!!

I am a little dissapointed that the girl of my dreams has not written back to me??? Ah Sandra wheres me photo????

BBD day today but could be due to the copious amounts of Stella after the England match??? Self inflicted but 2 hours of being chilled for 12 hours of Irritable Botty Syndrome was worth it.

Dodgems

There is a saying that 'Two wrongs do not make a right?' However the other saying is 'An eye for an eye'
Last night I parked at the pub for the usual Tuesday night Concert. The car next to me was parked off centre of the white lines, but having a small car I managed to get in beside them and out my door with no problems.
When I finished the Concert, the other car had gone. When leaving they had managed to put a small dent in my door, with there door and also bent my wing mirror in.
Now the thing is, I took the cars number just in case and next week, or any other week, I will be waiting and watching and get my revenge. So which 'saying do I believe in????

When I think back to my youth (yes my memory is that good) I went on loads of blind dates. so many in fact, that I should have been entitled to a Guide Dog. In fact I was so lazy that I even dated a couple of pregnant ladies once??
I even went into a bar once and walked straight up to a girl and asked if she would like to go to bed with me? She asked, 'Your place or mine'! I said 'Well if it is going to be hassle I wont bother then!!!!.

Once again my mind has been made up even further about dressing bodies (with some exceptions) . If people actually could see what it takes then I know they would think long and hard about it. It some cases it is quite disgusting and so undignified. I always said I would write a sensitive letter to the papers but deep down I know it would hurt too many people so on this occasion I will bite my tongue for ever. However I will write a letter soon about the carrying of overweight coffins. it has to stop at a certain weight and hopefully Health and safety will step in some day.

Mouldy Old Doe

I have a confession to make!!!!
I have always tried to be honest in this Blog and I see no reason not to be now.
This goes back a long way and I need to get it off my chest.
We bought the USA uniforms for the Band 14 years ago and on Saturday.......I had to move the buttons of the jacket out an inch!!!!!
Now there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for this.
I hang my Uniform in the Porch (not my car) and it is obviously damp in there and thus has shrunk??
See as you get older people start to generalise about age and everything.
I often get people say to me 'Well you are over 50 now so should be married'?
Well that's like saying to someone over 70 that's it must be time for a hip replacement.
I will have you know that at the start my courting skills were fast and furious.
I was fast...and she was.........

I may have misheard this on the radio today. But it would seem that the Budgie is a Trillion in debt?

One Wrong Turn deserves another

Is it true, that Jack the Rippers Mum said to him 'How come I never see you with the same girl twice'??

Yesterday was supposed to be a nice chill out day with long lunch and sun bathing before the Gig at night.
However.
As I was in the garden my mobile rang.
It was the organiser of the gig that night.
To cut a long story short the venue had somehow been mixed up and it was not at where the Band expected to play??
Now I don't know if you have tried ringing 19 musicians on a hot Sunday afternoon and it being Fathers Day as well??
It took me about 2 hours and my Sunday lunch turned into a Pot Noodle and chips.
Still all the Band managed to make the new location in time so all was well.

I would like to take this opportunity to than RTW on his world record attempt on taking the longest time to get out of a Car Park challenge...He now holds the record of 5hours 2 minutes (well it felt like it)

Two things to look forward to this week. The Budget and the England game. I have a feeling both are going to be extremely disappointing.

Dam Bust hers

This may say saturday, but it is sundays bog and 2.13am in the morning yawn...

A fantastic gig last night at a RAF base many miles from our home town
It was superbly organised event and the Band were well fed and thoroughly enjoyed the evening.
It has to be said, that the guys and gals of the RAF were all very young and still in training, But what a polite and well mannered bunch of people and a credit to Her Majesty's Forces.
Luckily, myself and the female vocalist shared a lift with RTW. We did not realise until we arrived that he had added VAT, Liability Insurance, Wallet protection and Tyre wear to our petrol charges...but we paid, as he threatened to drop us off at Doncaster on the way back!!! Actually thinking about it, a night in Doncaster with the vocalist would not have been a hardship at all???
Tight... he would not give a door a bang!!!

Oh and by the way the thought for the day..........Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.

Pinot More

Bit of a mission today. In this order I planned my day out.
Visit dad
Go on the radio to record item
Go to town to spend gift voucher.
Of course all these were interrupted by a quick dash to the contemplation room so the plan became a frantic rush.
I turned up at the studio to record my piece and was met by the presenter Ed George. I was informed that all the Computers had gone down so I, may have to keep recording it if it crashed!!! No pressure there then. I did my piece and then the DJ said what a nice voice and presentation manner I had!!! and could I do another story?? So I ended up telling a Funeral Incident. These items are called 'Did I ever tell you' He said that he was impressed with the dramatic pauses I kept putting in. Now, this was not due to any presenting skills on my part, but a rather bad case of the wind, of which I was desperately trying not to blast over the microphone by squeezing my buttock cheeks together. Anyway one of the items is on at 2.20pm Monday if you fancy a listen.
I then went off the the very expensive department store to spend my £50 vouchers. Last time I was there, I realised that you could not get much for fifty quid. In fact a screw can cost a fiver (the metal type not the rumpy pumpy type). My last visit had me purchasing a girlie paperweight and a couple of things I did not need. What I did not realise was, that they had a WINE department!!!!! So I bought 4 bottles of wine and a bag of crisps and still have seventeen pounds to spare!!!

We did a Funeral of a Traffic Warden the other week. It was a burial. As the coffin was lowered to the bottom of the grave a frantic knocking came from within. We quickly removed the lid to which the traffic warden sat up and shouted 'I'm not dead' To which the Vicar replied 'Sorry the paper works been filled in mate'

On the Beaches

It would not be an understatement to say, that this week has been very difficult indeed. I have been fighting the 'Black Dog' (Winston Churchill quote) all week because we have had no work on. The only job that has come in is a private hire, which caused me to get back so late, that I have had to miss the gig tonight. Oh well. I have survived, as I have for many years now. But I certainly wish there was a miracle cure.
The lads at work have made me put this weeks syndicate on, as I have been so lucky in the fast few days???

A little Funeral tip here.

Don't forget. You can't take it with you. You never see a Pickfords lorry following the Hearse, now do you!

cord

The Boss brought in his VuVuzela thing today.... I managed a paltry 4 notes on it but at least it proves they could change the tunes a little at the World Cup and not have that annoying drone for ninety minutes.

Things are getting stranger. After I won letter of the week in the paper. I checked my Lottery today and found I had 4 numbers!!!! Now this is ok but I am sure that yesterday, during a lapse of concentration, I went past a speed camera a tad fast. This would mean the win would be entirely wiped out???? if the fine comes through.

BBD today but it's rare I don't get one now. Roll on 28th July.

Small TV sets are becoming more popular in cars today. Apparently a retired couple were driving on the Motorway. She was driving and he was watching the telly in the passenger seat. He was watching Countdown and she was doing 70mph. All was well until the commercials came on and he stepped out to make a cup of tea!!!

Mr Ed

Just thought as I was driving home from work. Why do they call it 'Rush Hour' when nothing bloody moves??
Actually it has been a strange day.
First we got to hear that our Stonemasons lorry had been stolen whilst he was removing an headstone in a Churchyard!! He actually saw the guy get in it, and drive away, but was too far away to catch him. This means that he can't get around to do his job. When will these scum bags get their come uppance???

Then later this afternoon my mobile rang. It was a local radio station asking me if I would come into the studio and record a story that I sent in a few weeks ago. It was about an embarrassing incident in my life. But it got a laugh and that's what I am about. So no doubt I will be cacking myself (no change there then) when the time comes. You would think by now, that with all the challenges I set myself, that my confidence would be rock firm?? Nah, still a sphincter twitcher in most things I do. But still I do them lol.

Great programme about the bodies of Gladiators found in York. They did scientific tests on all of them and managed to deduct what weapons they were killed by and were using. One poor chap had fought for 20 years but still had to fight until the Emperor gave him thumbs down and his nogging was chopped off.

Which reminds me of when the Emperor said to the Gladiator.
'Did you come here to die?'
and the Gladiator replied
'No I came here yesterdie'

Oats

One of my bosses has married a South African girl and he happens to have a Vuvuzela at home. He says that it is only possible to get one or two notes out of it? So by saying that he has thrown down the Gauntlet and I have asked him to bring it in to see if I can prove him wrong and get a tune out of it???

My partner, who is a tad house proud was not impressed last night, when I reached into her cupboard (I can't put, reached into her drawers!!!) for a packet of biscuits, and knocked over an open packet of porridge all over the floor. welcome home hun , I'm here!!!!

I might have to miss a gig this weekend as a private hire job has come in and I will be running late but I wont know until Thursday which is a bummer.

I have been scammed on another Internet site. I ordered a DVD and it has not arrived. Seems I should have checked the sellers feedback as it is abysmal and at least 15 other people have ordered, paid and not got the goods?

Have you noticed, that anyone driving faster than you is an idiot and yet anyone driving slower than you is a moron.

Had a text from a friend basically saying that everyone can make mistakes...however Doctors can have their mistakes buried!!!!

Ton

I think I might be in the wrong job. I did not have time to get a paper this morning thanks to a BBD incident putting me behind!!!!ha.
But I received a phone call to let me know that I had won £50 for best letter of the week?? This is the second time I have won which has amazed me!!

I have a tip for the England manager. If one of your players has a chance at goal, tell them to aim for the space each side of the Goalkeeper and not directly at them. Also if they do score (!!!) then cut out the kissing and hugging and save their energy and concentration for the next goal. If they went straight back into position after scoring it would intimidate the opposing team and focus England on their next goal.....Hmmmm.

Nothing on today and then we got 2 Coroners removals which took up most of the day. Sad that one of them was just reaching retirement age and has become another statistic that will not draw a penny of their hard earned pension.

The Slave driver of the Roman Galleon shouted to his slaves.
Good News and Bad News Chaps.
The good news is you will be getting double rations today (cheers)
The bad news is that the Commander wants to go water skiing tonight??

Oh Mein Papa

It is rumoured that England's poor old Goal keeper Rob Green, went back to the changing rooms and held his head in his hands..and then dropped it????

My old Dad paid a surprise visit today! I am well over my half century in age, but felt guilty that I was still having my breakfast when he called?? Just shows you what respect for parents can do and something that is lacking with the Children of today...I remember when......Just realised I sound like a moaning old git (yes rtw I know).
I am actually dreading next week as we have no work in and I really do not know how to keep myself occupied for the whole time??

No blowing this weekend but we certainly make up for it next weekend as we are extremely busy.

I can't understand these vuvuzela things that they are all blowing in the World Cup. You can't tell me that if you have paid thousands of pounds to watch England play, that you want hundreds of these things blowing in your lug holes. Actually when the games are over I might buy a cheap job lot and kit all the Brass section out with them??? I am sure we can knock a tune up, out of them, instead of the continuous drone of a million mosquitoes that they sound like?

Guidon Parade

I know 2 things about football..nothing...and bugger all!!! However I will be watching England in the World Cup tonight and will be rooting for them in defiance of the USA. Old Obama is now trying to blame England for the Oil Spill in the Mexican Gulf. Just because it says BP and the B is connected with British.
It should stand for Blooming Pathetic (workmanship) So come on England.

Another fine British tradition of Trooping the Colour today. The Band have to negotiate the notoriously difficult 'Spin Wheel' manoeuvre. No one actually understands it and when it's over ( a miracle if it works) no one knows what it was all about?????
It involves, side steps, shuffels, marking time and all sorts of other complicated movements. All this and trying to read the music as well. I only did this on one occasion, but it still remains firmly embedded in my memory and I am still having counselling for it now!!!

I went to a book shop today. I asked the assistant where the 'Self Help' section was? She replied that if she told me, then it would be defeating the object???

Jaded

Apparently, there is now a new 'morning after' pill for men. It works by changing your blood type??

And now the hard work begins. by that I mean, that next week, we do not have one Funeral?? Now for me personally is going to be extremely hard, as I need to keep myself occupied. Anyway, as I advise other people in trouble, Take every day as it comes and if you can't do that, then take every hour, minute or second until things get better.

My curiosity made me tune into the BB house again last night. The Geordie announced that it was 4.23 am and the housemates were still up and acting like escapees from a lunatic asylum. When they did finally get to bed they stormed into the bedroom waking the more sensible (sic) housemates who had gone to sleep at a civilised time.
At that point I would have been out of my pit and dragging someone outside for a chat!!!
And here was me, going to apply next year!!

By the way if you want the definition of 'uncomfy' then click the link above. It was not a case of when personalities clash, but a car crash. At one end of the ring Patrick Stewart a fine Shakespearean actor and in the red corner James Corden a new and rising comedy actor. Who wins...you decide??

All's Welles

The last time I had sex, my self winding watch stopped!!!

Well for any foreign country wanting to know what a cross section of the British Public look like. All they had to do was tune into the Big Brother Launch last night. Apart from the ex soldier (who I predict will win) you got to see the most idiotic, self praising, attention seeking, weird people in this Country. I always watch the first one to remind myself, that I might be pretty normal after all?
I think I will stick to letting people look in on my life through Blogs, than publicly humiliating myself in the flesh. Anyway I would never be able to get any kip if I went in the house as it is so flipping noisy? so would probably resort to trying to escape after a day or so.

Long Hearse drive today and with 2 Limo's behind we never got cut up once. Two motorists tried but they failed miserably for once. Extremely heavy carry and I repeat what I have said before. Health and safety will have to step in at some point to stop certain weights being carried on one shoulder. The weight preses down at angle on the spine and it ain't healthy. I am sure I am shorter now that when i started in the Funeral Trade??
BBD

Just Like That

Adam was a fine figure of a man and Eve was incredibly beautiful! So how come I turned out so ugly???

For future reference and for my own records, I am going to abbreviate 'Bad Bot Day' to BBD. Saves a heck of a lot of time as well.

Easy blow last night, but I am still amazed with the standard of our lead player (actually I always was). he has just completed his second CD and no music used. Just jazz from inside. I wish there was a chip I could download from him. Whilst I have the courage to attempt most things, my confidence has tripped me through life. Never stopped me, but just stuck it's leg out occasionally as I was passing by. Still, that's us humans? all different.

This new Government is making all the right noises and I am watching with great interest what will happen to the benefit system. Hopefully they will give more to the one's that truly deserve helping and stop giving handouts to the beer swigging, fag smoking Jeremy Kyle type lay abouts.

Just finished reading Tommy Coopers life story. What a great icon of comedy. He once stopped in mid flow on stage and announced that if a Mrs Smith was in the audience, could she please return to the Car Park and remove her Jaguar.... as it had eaten a Postman and bit one of the orchestra.
He went the best way possible. with laughter in his ears. However the audience just thought he was messing about. There was no hint he was ill on stage. His lady assistant places a cloak on his shoulders and seconds later he slumps to the floor. I know this went out live in the 80s but I never saw it. It was possible, however to watch on You Tube....but I wish I hadn't. BBD

Make up, Mirror ,Manoeuvre

Awful that 2 parachutists were killed over the weekend. They became entangled and fell to the ground. People must have some sort of curiosity to brush with the chance of death. One piece of canvas, some line and 2000ft to the ground. I know I had a go once, but the thought of dying never really crossed my mind. Mind you, neither did fracturing my leg and ankle in five places.

Today took the biscuit (wheat free). A hearse and 3 were leaving the yard. The third car was already on the road ready to take its place in the cortege. I slowly pulled out indicating right as a lorry slowed and flashed on the right. I started to pull in front of the limo on the road ,whilst the other 2 cars pulled out of the yard behind me. From the left, came a woman driver. A look of determination on her face she swerved past the Limo at the side of the road and then swerved left to undertake me (I am the undertaker!!) on my left, almost mounting the pavement.
I will be quite honest here. The white mist overtook me and if I could, I would have chased her and pulled her out of the car as it angered me so much? I know that one day I will do this just to find out what they are thinking?

Talking at lunch today about interest rates. My mate said he was only getting 1.5% from his bank.
I told him that I was getting 3%. Well, I keep my money in 2 banks

Billy 2

People often ask me why I am still single??? Well actually I was born that way and I have it in my power to make at least one woman extremely happy, by remaining a bachelor.

Three Funerals today, so the day flew past. Actually yesterday and today have been quite good really compared to Saturdays lieu day!! which is a relief for my poor old bot.
My partner is once again, on holiday with her Mum. They have travelled 250 miles and yet still end up in a Garden Centre?

Last nights Dance was poorly attended, but it did make for more room on the Dance floor, which made a change. I also enjoyed the blow last night and my lip felt really good?

I forgot to mention that on Saturday a married couple were chatting to our treasurer asking about booking the Band. He told them he would have to see me, the Secretary. To which the bloke replied 'Oh the follicley challenged one' I managed to stop myself replying 'it's better than facially challenged like your wife??'
See a pro to the end? (me not his wife)

I also visited a big Supermarket yesterday to get some wheat free, Gluten free, flour free bread (so that's cardboard then?). When I got their I figured that a World War had been broadcast on the radio, as you could not move for folk? Is that really all they have to do on a Sunday afternoon???. I was quite proud that using the self service checkout I was in and out like a Military Manoeuvre, whilst folk queued with trolleys groaning with the weight of food in them? Do people really eat that much. Well judging by my poor old back and carrying coffins, it seems that they do.

Routine

I don't know if I have eaten something that my system doesn't like (most things these days) but I think I am saving money on buying Colonic irrigation treatment!!!
Very hot in Dovedale last night but a nice little gig never the less.
It was strange, that about an hour from the end of the Concert,people started to leave. Nothing we had done, it was just getting past their bed times I think?

We were talking about people who are atheists the other day. I said I did not want to be one because they get no holidays?
My mate said he had begun to doubt the existence of God, three years into his marriage?
Strange Old World
Now where's that Izal.....

Jeans

I had a long telephone conversation with my Cousin last night. I learned more in that half hour about my childhood than I have ever known before.
It certainly explains why I have the problems I do have, but it is too complex to write down here.
It would also seem that my Mum was bombed twice in Shooters Hill in the War and both times had to be dug out of the rubble? I only just found out that she had a brother as well? For the first few months of my childhood I was looked after by relatives. It would seem that PND had hit my mum bad and what with the other experiences, caused her to be hospitalised.
So using the resources of the Internet and the info I have I should be able to dig more of my past up (thinking about it maybe not a good idea). All this from an atrocity that took place in Cumbria?
Really bad tum today and I really can't understand why I am not losing weight. My input and output is certainly not balanced?
Been out on the bike today (irritating matters even more) and with this hot weather it's really hard to know what to wear.
Never had the problem in the Army as you never had to decide what to wear???
By the way, if you click the title you can read an article on Shooters Hill

Royal Hindness

Flipping very hard week. Sleep extremely poor and bot in volcano land again?? Am I miserable???? Bloody right I am but, as they say, The show must go on'
Actually probably not an ideal reference with Freddy Mercury and the way my backside feels!!!
I was promoted to hearse driver today and was extremely frustrated, that the guy on the Limo let cars, not on the Funeral, in between the cortege. It is quite simple to keep the cortege together and 99.9% of the time you can get across a roundabout and junction with no problems. This Limo driver might as well have handed out invitations with the gap he left between his bonnet and the back of the Hearse??
We have a busy weekend of music so hopefully I will catch up on some kip to boost my batteries instead of relying on copious amounts of Black Coffee.
I wondered how long it would take before jokes would come along connected to the Cumbria shootings. They are in extremely bad taste but then again us Brits seem to handle dire situations with humour.
That's why I am always laughing when I am on the bog!!!

Imperial Leather

Most unforgivably it has taken a massacre in Cumbria to prompt me to ring my Cousin. She lives in the area the shootings took place and is thankfully ok. However we only seem to meet at Funerals these days and write cards to each other. It would seem that this guy had been bullied by other taxi drivers. To the people who were doing it, they though it was just a laugh, but no one knows what goes on in another persons mind? and how the stress and anxiety was building up in him. This guy finally cracked and went berserk?
They are now talking about banning all shotguns (How would that work when the Olympics hit the UK) they are also talking about putting alcohol up as the UK has a drink problem? Well that is like saying lets ban all cars because more people are killed by them than a mad man with a gun?
It is always the bad people who spoil it for the good and the good always pay?

We have had a gig cancelled with only a few days to go. Seems the credit crunch is hitting in other ways?

Been nice and cool in my black suit and waistcoat today pheeew. Actually I love the heat so I have no problems with it at all.

It would seem they are rethinking the idea of Stealth Planes in armed conflicts. Ok the plane is invisible to the enemies radar but when they look at the screen they still see 2 guys in a sitting position at 20,000 feet??

Diagnosis Murder

Another great success story for the medical system I heard today. This chap went to the Doctors with chest pains and they gave him anti acid medicine. 8 hours later he was dead!!! Scary isnt it? But I keep hearing more and more horror stories and it is all down to stress and lack of time for the Doctors. How can you diagnose in ten minutes? Unfortunately it still comes down to the ever growing population of the UK. Whats the answer?? Well you do know the answer, but what can we do about it??

I overheard a musician saying this the other night.

'One of my chief regrets is that I can't sit in the audience and listen to myself!!! wow that's confidence for you.

I really enjoyed the blow last night and felt sorry for our lead bone who was presented with the horrendous bone solo 'Peanut Vendor' again. It is only one chap in the audience that keeps requesting it and all it does is stress the poor musician.

It's hard for me to get use to these changing times. I remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty??

Pardon?

Last week I experience the delights of cycling through the country with the sun beating down on my bald pate. A drive into the peak district where I fed ducks and swans. I had the pleasure of browsing gadget shops in a different town.
Today I was washing out the ears of a recently departed!!! Not much difference in them examples then?
Oh I wish I could write what I feel, but that would be far to dangerous. However, being an avid diary keeper and a stickler for names dates and places, it is assured that I wont forget the injustices.
Some folk know the value of money but have forgotten the value of people? me thinks.
However the highlight of the day, was having a ten minute lay in, because the schools were off and not much traffic.
Oh the simple pleasures of life?