Hohne

How cruel this world has been ,when you think of the atrocities committed against fellow man.

I watched a programme about the final days of Auschwitz and Belsen last night.

Belsen had a particular interest to me ,as I was stationed there (not during the war I might add, although some folk may think so!)

They were interviewing a Jewish Man who was on board an open top train on his way to a concentration camp with many others. It was minus 20 and all the seats and floor were full. A German prisoner who had been standing asked the Jewish man if he could sit for a moment. The Jew said 'no' The German then offered him 3 cigarettes for a loan of his seat. The Jew excepted and stood up. It only took the Jewish man 20 minutes to smoke the ciggies. he then asked the German to stand up so he could have his seat back. The German refused. So the Jewish man got three of his pals, grabbed the German and sat on him until he suffocated? They then threw his body over the side of the train.

When asked many years later if he regretted his actions, the Jewish man said no and smiled? He said that many of his family had been killed by the Germans so this was fair???

Revenge can sometimes leave a bitter taste, but not in this chaps case?

Thrilled that my second book (which is actually the first) has arrived, Covering a period from 2007 and 2008, it documents the life of the OBB over this period and I have managed to read a few pages to refresh my memory of what we all did. Their is laughter, tiredness, tragedy and up's and down's of the Band and I can't believe we did it all together?

I am only disappointed in the fact, that the 'reader' icons precede every diary entry, but you soon get used to them. It would take me weeks to go back and remove them all, but maybe one day I will?

Road Show

A musicians worse critic, is himself (in most cases) second in line, is the audience. I overheard a comment a few weeks ago about a musician, who shall I say, is in his twilight years. This non musician commented that the musician in question was starting to fluff a few notes??? Now this guy is an Octogenarian and is usually faultless in his playing. This has now made me realise, that my style of playing is safer,as I fluff a note or two on most solo's. So when I get to 93 (ho ho ho) then no one will notice!

Glad to know, that those that were against a new musician playing last night, did not get their way.
We had a young lad on Drums and he was extremely competent and fitted in with the Band straight away.
He was chuffed to pieces that we gave him a chance and he will now fill in for a Gig in the future. No doubt that those, who had no faith, will then say how great he was and how they were all for him playing and it was their idea. Seen it all before and know the type very well.

Been to an antique fayre today and promised myself that I would buy no old tat.
A new piece of old tat now sits on my table,as I could not resist.
I think they should open my house to the public and introduce it as the Olde Curiosity Shop?

I had an attack of the 'Slow Hot Wind' today whilst browsing the dusty shelves of the antique emporium. Finding no one around me, I let a rather noisy and pungent trump out, just as a family walked around one of the display cabinets and straight into the green haze???
I was quite proud of it, but they were nor impressed.
No sense of humour some folk?

True Twit

Laying awake last night, with my tooth throbbing at a volcanic 10, on the pain in the arse scale, I started thinking outside the box. I have spent most of my life thinking like that as it keeps me amused.
I was thinking, laying there with my teddy bear and Sandra Bullock life size doll beside me, that if everyone was born to play a musical instrument and all at the same standard, would anyone pay to go and listen to a concert??? Same if it was Football! If everyone could play footie at the same standard as say that good looking chap Rooney? would the scores be in triple figures? or a nil score every match????
I managed to drop off at about 4am thank goodness before I completely went potty?
I did manage a blow for 30 minutes last night, but it was a tad uncomfy. All the notes were there, but not necessarily in the right order?

I had a go at Twittering last night. I can't say I fully understand it as it seems to be more drivel than I already write? I looked at a twitter from Sir Alan Sugar who was having a bet with Piers Morgan and noted that Rooney went for a walk in the park before last nights game? I am not sure this will change my life or not, but was amused to see a site dedicated to keeping music on vinyl???? instead of CD and digital?
I also looked in on Kiera Knightley Phwooarrr? and Dawn French?? Opposite ends of the scale there, but I would not kick either out of bed on a cold foggy night!!!
Reminds me, must get my eyes tested.

Closed Book

Having 'Blogged' almost every day for 5 years plus. Having had my ramblings published in 2 books? I can't bring myself to read them?? I suppose Sigmund Freud would have an answer to this, but I am at a loss to know why I can't sit down and peruse the pages? I know that some singers/musicians don't like listening to themselves (flipping heck, I am one of those as well) but these are only words??
Maybe I will understand why and get around to it one day?

Out for a meal last night and chose soft food on the menu so I didn't have to exert any chewing pressure on my bad tooth. So I had the rarest of Rib eye steaks and mash? I suppose I am preparing myself for old age, where everything will have to be put in a blender, before I can eat it?

Had another letter published in the local rag. Do you think I might have missed my life's vocation and been a writer?

Treated myself to lunch in town today (soup) (through a straw). I could not believe, that one shop was selling Xmas cards already.
So sod it...a Xmas joke.

As the 3 wise men went into the Stable, one of them banged their head on a low beam. 'Jesus Christ' shouted the wise man. Hey 'Mary' said Joseph. Write that down. it's a damn sight better than Hector!!!

Windy pops

I would just like to say, that I am exhausted after my marathon book signing party last night. I would like to say it, but seeing as there is only 1 in the World ,that would be sheer fantasy.

However, my euphoria was short lived, after the onset of raging toothache again, which ensured a restless night and a grumpy day in front of me (no change there then)

I suppose it did not help my inflamed tooth by eating half a bag of M & Ms last night!!!

I have another 10 days before I am at the Dentist to hopefully get it sorted, and at this point they can rip the rogue tooth from my head. if need be!!!

The devil in me made me park in the same place this morning. I suppose it was just to prove a point. However, I suppose I might have gone too far, by getting a pair of binoculars out and talking into a pretend 2 way radio!!!

Funerals are starting to thin out again, which means a boring week next week and trying to look busy? Oh please let my 5 numbers and the bonus come up this Saturday (see I am not greedy)

I must stop watching reality TV as it either winds me up or saddens me. 24 hrs A & E had the septuagenarian keyboard player of 'Telstar' (The Tornado's) He had to stop playing because his hands became arthritic. He also got Cancer of the Oesophagus and when he was clear of that Prostate Cancer which had spread to all his body. Life can be so bloody cruel and proves the point, that you should make the most of it and do as much as you can, while you still can!

Steak Out

There is a certain road I stop on every morning, if I am running early for work. I always park in the same place and eat a banana and drink water, checking my e mails and relishing in my last few moments of freedom.

This morning I heard a tap on the window and what I can only describe as a hooded skank stood outside my car?

I opened the window and he said 'Can yer tell me why yer parked here'? Deciphering this guttural language into English, I realised he wanted to know what I was doing there?

I explained back in his language 'Yer Im avin me brekkie before going to wok'

He stared at me and replied 'Well me mam is worried cos your parked oppsit er house'

Now I can only figure that his mam, could only see the black waistcoat, white shirt and black tie' and was worried that her cultivation of marijuana maybe being kept under observation.

Anyway, I explained that I was an Undertaker and told his 'mam' not to worry!!!!

However, the situation was not helped by me having an old Police jacket on the back seat of my car. of which he had spotted.

He wandered off muttering to himself.

I can't wait for work on Friday now as I am going to park in exactly the same place!! just to see what happens next.

Got drenched today on a Funeral. The folk who had brollies were in no hurry to move as we stood in the pouring rain?
,
I am extremely impressed and pleased. My book (I can say that now) well the first one at least, has arrived from the USA. It is better quality than I ever could have imagined and I am well happy with it.
If the Diary of a Big Band one, turns out half as well, I will be very very happy.

FFF>PPP

It would seem, that my salmonella chicken and dry toast diet is beginning to work, as my cholesterol levels have fallen to the Governments guide lines??? All my blood tests came back normal, apart from the fact, that I might be pregnant!!!

I think audience power struck a blow for sensibility. Last weeks Concert was horrendous because it was too loud. A few complaints from the listeners, to the Band leader and last night was much better. It is a shame, that it had to take a slap on the wrist in some departments to achieve this??

Dreams are strange things. My work mate tells me that he had a dream last night and I was in it??? Apparently I was telling him to go to the toilet? He then woke up at 4am to find his tummy gurgling ominously and had to rush to the bog, where the world fell out of his bot!!!
He blames it on a rogue sausage roll!! but can't explain why I had to invade his dreams to tell him?
No wonder I am knackered all the time if I am visiting folk in the night?

Nigh

Had to do a Linford Christie to the bog yesterday??? which probably means that the contaminated Chicken I had Sunday, decided to make a reappearance.

Mind you. colonic irrigation is supposed to be good for you?


The Band are struggling to find a drummer for an up and coming gig. Unfortunately, the Barrack room lawyer syndrome came into play, distracting the organisation of a perfectly competent drummer to do the gig. Some people shout the loudest, but actually do the bare minimum.

I actually had a Pro Drummer on standby to come all the way from London (a friend) to do the Gig??? They say no one is indispensable, but a Band without a drummer is as useful as a Jockey without a Horse?

There was a programme on last night, about Ambulances moving obese people. Well, it is the same as dressing overweight people. It is horrible, undignified and should only be allowed on Burials and if the person has asked for it, themselves.

Some say that it would upset people if they knew how much manipulating of the body has to take place to get on, socks, Pants, vest, shirt, jumper trousers , jackets etc etc. Bodies sometimes leak from every orifice and the more you move them, the worse the problem becomes. If you are not aware of the whole picture, then how can you make an informed choice???

The bloke who predicted the end of the world last Saturday may have been a tenth right. What with a Tornado in the USA, High winds in the UK and the continued bombings around the world, it was an easy mistake to make.

A little girl comes home from school and says to her mum. 'Ive been expelled for using the 'C' word.

Her Mum say's 'It's not clever, is it'
No she innocently replies it was C**t!!!!

Sorry!!!
I am stil awaiting the results of a Blood test I had a week ago.
Mind you it is the NHS. The No Hurry Service.

Sam and Ella

Having got to bed at 2am Sunday morning I decided to have a late lunch. I am no Gordon Ramsey (although I can swear as well as him) and put the oven on to cook some chicken and chips (eat your heart out Delia). Haven taken the chicken out of the freezer!!!! I put it straight in the cooker for 45 minutes. I had my dinner whilst enthralled with Britain's Got talent. I realised half way through the meal that the chicken was tough and when I looked down,,,was still bloody!!!!! Oh no I thought. I am in trouble here.

2 hours later and I was still fine?

So it looks like I can digest Salmonella without problems, but a slice of bread will have me running to the loo??

It was extremely bad manners for the supporting act on Saturday night, to walk straight in front of our vocalist as she was singing.

I figure, that our vocalist was so much better than her, that she had to have a closer listen, as she thought she might be miming.

Another good blowing night last night and my lip is the best it has been for a long time.

The pessimist in me say's it wont last.

The Optimist, say's it wont either???

Baps Out

I think, that most musicians like practicing in a bathroom or toilet? If there is a bit of an echo it helps with pitching and usually sounds great.
Last night we played for a 1940's Dance in a massive aircraft hangar. It was a bit of a disastrous start,as the dancers leaped to the Dance Floor but one couple knocked over a Trombonists music stand in there eagerness, with music and beer flying everywhere. Just like pro's though, we kept going ,although the Trombonist was trying to scoop his amber nectar back in his glass.
It was a great night, with most folk dressed in 1940s garb. One lady had a massive bussom which she had obviously polished especially for the occasion (I understand that Pledge is very good for this sort of buff up job?) She was proud of them and the Band certainly had no complaints. At one point I put my head down in line with her chest and said 'Oooh look, a pawn brokers sign' Hope that was not classed as sexual harassment? (I don't care cos i enjoyed it)
It was a long long journey to the venue and my mate (the nameless) Trumpet player with a huge wallet! asked me if I would use Beatrice, my Sat Nav, as his, Daphne, was having her circuits manicured? I did and off we went. Now Beatrice tries to find the easiest Way to a venue. On this occasion she wanted to take us down the M6 Toll. My mate, being of Jewish leanings? said 'no way' so we did an 80 mile detour to miss it. This threw Beatrice into a Female strop (you know the sort chaps) and she went into a sulk.
On the way back, my mate decided to fire up his Daphne as he reckoned she was more efficient!!
I now am calling my mate 'Zebedee' because on the way back, we went around the same roundabout (without indicating) about 5 times!!!!!
Bloody good Gig though and I had 3 solos in the second half. I wish you could 'can' a moment as the Bathroom Acoustics helped me play 'Song of India' the best I have ever played it.
We had to finish at 11pm then another act was closing the show. Wondering how we could clear the stage so we did not have to wait, we came up with the cunning plane to play 'Skin Deep' and whilst the drummer was soloing, we would pack the band away in 5 minutes flat, leaving just him playing at the end and the Band walking on to play the last 7 notes.
It went down a storm, and as one audience member said 'That was fantastic'
Sure was. A great night and one that makes you proud to be a musician.

Where's yer bin?

Just a couple of new examples of Barmy Britain.
We have all seen these huge advertising poster for Cars and Mobiles etc.
Well which person in their right mind, put up a huge poster advertising a new TV programme called 'The Walking Dead' outside a Funeral Parlour.

I have had a huge pack of information sent from my local Council this morning informing me of me new Bin Collection date.
It has always been on a Friday for the last umpteen years.
They inform me, at great cost, that it is now changing to a ....Friday??

You could not make it up?

Absolutely tired out again today, but making myself go to Town for lunch. If I just sit down, I will fall asleep? Trouble is, this is going to be one long day.....

Ex Whom?

I have asked a work mate , to have a word with one of the local vicars.

I am fed up of being sent to a particular Churchyard, to dig a hole for an Ash casket, only to find myself digging up human remains???

This is a designated piece of ground, that is obviously over some unmarked graves from 100s of years ago. The term Rest in Peace, means just that and I am sick of digging up leg bones, parts of skulls and a jaw bones complete with teeth!!! My name is not Tony Robinson and this is not Time team.

I am unbelievably tired again and can't wait to get the results of my recent Blood test to see if I am anaemic at all. If I do need a pint of blood I will request someones like Lindford Christie so I can at least have a burst of energy?

Busy, blowing weekend ahead and then the week starts all over again. Oh Joy!!!

Fracture

Bit of a serious Blog today. We have been talking at work, about the missing child in Portugal We all have our own opinion of the Government getting involved and what the cost will be of that, to the Tax Payers.
However, my point was, that another missing child case has all the pieces in place. They have the murderer, they know where the child is buried...but they haven't found him? The Murderer was Brady, the child is somewhere on Saddleworth Moor. which is smaller than Portugal I think?
The media and police attention, seems to be more pronounced. because they are affluent people?
Although there is great sympathy and a child can disappear from a Beach or shop, if the parents take their eyes off them for a second. But the parents of Maddy did not have x ray vision to see through the brick walls of the apartment where she was sleeping whilst they drank and ate across the road in the Tavern??? Double standards in some places me thinks.

My Boss had a funny turn yesterday. He went to the Doc's and his Blood Pressure was sky high. For years I have been telling him, what I would do if I had his money, but he loves work????
I don't get it? Isn't our job, the biggest wake up call of all, to enjoy your life while you can???

Saying this, I have decided to write a book. Actually I have written 2 books!!! and it took me only 4 years and 40 minutes?
The 4 years is made up of daily blogs and the 40 minutes , the time spent on the Internet to have them transcribed into book form!
Both books are about 400 pages long, which shows you, how much drivel I have written over the years?
The first is called 'Diary of a Big Band and other Bits' and the second is named after this blog site?
Why have I done it?
No idea, but it was fun!!!




Strange today. We saw a Dyslexic Yorkshire man wearing a Cat Flap?

Tennis

I only have one word to describe last nights Concert.

'Abysmal'

I do not use this word lightly, as when 2 members of the audience have to go outside because they feel ill, then something is drastically wrong.

I never name name's in my Blog, but this was all down to one musician, who was playing for themselves and not listening to the Band.

It was a case of 'Ooooo listen to me' and to be honest, that's all you could hear.

This meant that the less talented musicians, started to blow louder to compensate!!

The end result could only be described as a racket.

While I was packing away at the end of the night, I overheard a couple of the audience moaning (quite rightly) about how bad it had been.

I told them, that they should speak to the Band Leader and make their feelings known.

Did they?

No!!!!!

At one point the vocalist was having to shout to be heard?

How can those responsible, go home at night and feel satisfied in what they have done.

Well, they can, because they have no concept of it, and that alone is mighty frightening.

It is a case of 'me' 'me' 'me' and as a supposedly seasoned professional, they should know better.

Hedgehog report below.

Well it is time for your Hedgehog to be on her way and hopefully live a full life.. She has done incredibly well and after observing her at various times throughout the night, she is well and truly ready to leave.

She has been out collecting leaves and paper to build a nest so it's time for her to go..

I will be releasing her late this evening weather permitting i.e. no great down pour of rain but will monitor on cctv to see if she returns at all..

I will of course let you know if she returns..

My sincere thanks for bringing her to me..

A nice ending to the story. All say Ahhhhhhh!!!

By the way. We played a number last night called Foxtrot V. Which of course is the Roman 5. A friend of mine does not understand Roman Numerals. He still thinks there was a World war eleven???

Death Leopard

Since being an Undertaker, I have lost all confidence in Doctors. It would seem, according to conversations I have heard on the way to Funerals, that by the time they have diagnosed what is actually wrong with you, that it is sometimes to late.

I presume this is partly due to observation problems?

Let me give you an example.

Yesterday I turned up for my appointment. I had to leg it straight from work, so was resplendent in my Funeral attire?

I had 10 minutes to talk to the Doctor about what was wrong. So I got my A4 bit of paper out and started reading my long list.

One of the things I mentioned ,was the repeat affliction of Cold Sores and how it interrupted my playing in the Band.

Oh what do you play, she asked.

Trombone I replied.

We then went on to my Tum problems and how tired I was feeling at work and being an Undertaker and all that.

Oh, your an Undertaker she replied.

Yes, I said, I thought you might guess by my clothes.

Oh, she said, I thought it was your Band Uniform!!!!

What did she think the Band was called??? 'The Decomposers' 'The Coffin Foot Stompers' 'The Embalmy Army'

For goodness sake, what chance do we stand???

So this morning I had an early blood test with a Nurse. Although she was in her 60s she started telling me about her ailments?? and how her Cholesterol was high and she had started Nordic Walking?? (Apparently you can ring the Viking Help Line and choose from Rape, Pillage or Walking??)

She then lifted her apron up and showed me her bum, saying how tight her buttocks had got since doing the power walking?

Good job I was not having my Blood Pressure taken! as it was a cute little derriere!!!

Maybe I will visit the Doctors more often for the laughs and the glamour!

Gypsy in my Soul?

I have decided, that I am definitely getting old.

I seem to spend my breaks between playing, talking to my mate of the same age, about our illness and ailments?

We discuss what has fallen off in the last week and how we feel after we have had a dump!!! plus other highly interesting symptoms!!!

I liken it to collecting cigarette cards when we were kids? 'Ooooh have you got that one' But in this case it is 'Oooooh have you felt like this'?

Seems though, that some of the things I have as a half centurion are shared by others of the same age, so I suppose it is reassuring in some ways?

Enjoyed the blow last night and the old lip was actually working. I also murdered a rendition of Minnie the Moocher with a few lyric changes thrown in.

Bit disappointed in the Ellington version of 'Caravan' though. The last time we played it was 6 years ago and the same mistakes were made again last night. It limped through to the end and was more like a ten ton trailer than a mobile home?

I am off to the doc's today to arrange a fasting blood test. My mate has also given me a list of his symptoms, that I can put to her!!!

Duck

I hate the word 'Mental' . They use it in the modern day idiom referring to 'Mental Health'?
The word mental encompasses anyone with Depression or Anxiety issues. It also applies to people who go around chopping innocent peoples heads off!!!
In the 60's they used the word Spastic to refer to someone who was handicapped (another horrid word), but luckily they dropped that word quite quickly.
Seeing that 1 in 5 people suffer from Depression in the UK alone, I think a new term should be used.
After all, most people who suffer, are only afflicted by a genetic fault, severe life trauma or sometimes substance abuse to escape from life's pressures.
So I think the word they should use now is 'normal' and keep the mental word, for those in padded cells?
As my partner says, all bad problems begin with 'Men'
Mental. Menstruation. Menopause........

I have to go back to the doc's Monday and try and arrange a fasting blood test. This should be able to be arranged by bypassing the Doctor and arranging the test with the nurse. But no. I have to wait for an appointment to see the quack. Then after keeping me waiting for 40 minutes past my allotted appointment time, they will give me a bit of paper to see the nurse!!!!!

I am sorry, but I do class myself as knowing a little bit about music? Then how come those two talentless tw*ts beat the UK in the Euro warbling contest last night?
Yep, the world has indeed gone quite mad....

Alladin

Had an idea in the middle of the night (I get my best ideas then, but Sandra Bullock is not always available!)
After watching some antique challenge programmes, I thought I would buy myself a Victorian Oil Lamp.
This I did and after a bit of haggling, got £15 knocked off what was an already expensive item.
This is where my brilliant idea fell apart. My 3am brain wave ,was to buy some scented oil and fill up the lamp. Set fire to the wick and hey presto a cheap light and a smelly room (still trying to get rid of fox and hedgehog poo!! odour ) It was then that my partner dropped the bomb Shell. Apparently oil for oil burners is not meant to be burnt!!!! How bloody stupid is that? The clue is in the title. Oil and Burn? But oh no. The oil is only meant to be heated not set fire too!!!
So my next plan is to get a small amount of petrol and soak some cinnamon sticks over night and set fire to that!!! I will make this oil lamp work if it kills me!!!!

What I also saw, was like a scene from the Glenn Miller story, with yet another old Trombone for sale (see above) however they wanted £85 for it and the slide did not work? I think it was Victorian though (a little like my playing)!

A fascinating programme on the box this week about the human body. You can't tell me, that there is nothing after this life, with the complex structure of human beings. Over a million things are happening in your body in just 60 seconds!!!
Apparently, we only use one third of our brains? I wonder what happens to the other third!!!

With Fries

I went for my free health check yesterday.
Hi said the Nurse.
Hi I replied.
Hi said the Nurse again.
Ermmm Hello I replied.
Hi repeated the Nurse.

Look I said with frustration, I keep saying hello to you??
No you pillock, she replied. All your readings are to high.
Your Weight.
Your Cholesterol.
Your Blood Sugars.
Your Hair line!!!!

Ok, I made that one up.

So after trying to lead an healthy life and exercising 3 times a week, I am going to adopt my mates life style.
MacDonalds every Day. 5 Pints of Lager a night. And absolutely no exercise at all.

His levels are spot on.

By the way, did you know that Burglars get there own paper, telling them when your house is empty.
All they do is look in the obituary column of the local rag and find out when you are attending a Funeral.
Happened to one of our families. they got back from burying there Dad and found the house had been ransacked.
There is a way to stop this.
If you put in the paper, all enquires to the Funeral Director, then there is less chance of you being robbed.
There is also another way.
Get the Burglar and chop his hands off!!!
It would work every time.

Note Blogger went down today and I lost Thursday!!!!!

Butchers Dog

Had a phone call from Bank yesterday, asking if my employer had cancelled the missing cheques? No, was the answer. Good they said, as we have found them?? As an apology please accept this £25. No I said, all I wanted was my wages. If people did not make mistakes ,then they would not put rubbers on the end of pencils, I told her, knowingly.

Oh thank you she said.

Now I am beginning to notice a pattern here. Trying to do the right thing, is not all it's made out to be?

Remember the Fox's pooing on my step because I forgot to feed them? Remember me treading in it and walking it into my carpet. A positive action equals a negative reward?

Remember me being the sole donator to the Forces Charity? and playing in a Concert for free.

So that would have been a total of £45 in my pocket if ,I had been cut throat? and taken the money.

How come then, that I get home last night and my TV has broken and it will cost £50 to mend it??? Something wrong here!!!

Feel drained again today? I have trained twice this week with no problem at all, but today have no energy? It's all very strange.

However, I am going for a free health check later. They do Blood pressure, Height and Weight, Cholesterol and Diabetes.

Well I know for a fact that my BP is low when at home, but if I see a Doctor or a Nurse, up it shoots. I know for a fact that I am overweight according to Government statistics? I also know, that despite not having a frying pan in the house, only eating Chicken and Fish and never using butter or drinking milk and exercising 3 times a week , that I will have high cholesterol!!!

So why am I going?

Well, its Free!!!!!!!

Brief

Please allow me to give you my interpretation of Ironic.

A couple of weeks ago, I was asked to play with a Band I had never played with before, who were doing a Concert for the charity Help for Heroes.

I was told I would receive expenses of £20. Being ex forces, I turned this down asking instead for it to be donated to the charity.

As you may remember, on the night, not one single person supported the Concert and after an hour we packed up and went home (separately, not together).

Last night I received a n e mail from the organiser, thanking me for my time and donation.

He also enclosed a total fund donated to the charity,

£20!!!!!!

I could have sent it in an envelope and stayed at home!

Have done an Horse Drawn Funeral today. One of the stable lads was saving hard to watch the Grand Prix live in Abu Dabi (or somewhere) and it would cost a couple of grand?

I suddenly thought, that depending how many laps the cars took, lets say 48, then he would only see the cars 48 times and only for a couple of seconds as they whizzed round past him.

He probably would not even be near the finishing line? Expensive couple of minutes that!

Very shocked last night to hear of a fellow musicians marriage breakdown. You could not meet a nicer bloke and on this occasion I am being biased.

Went out for a meal before playing last night.

I like to try new foods and have eaten Shark and Horse etc.

Last night I tried pelican.

It was ok, but when I went to pay, the bill was huge!

Nearer

Sooooo! The Bank finally got in touch and told me that a paranormal universe exists between their letter box and the counter. Anything posted in the box on a Bank Holiday, will disappear in a shimmering cacophony of light and fairy dust! never to be seen again.

Or something like that?

It's gone anyway and now I have to wait while it is proved from my company that the cheques have not been cashed and that could take ages. Which also means ,I am 2 weeks wages down and will have to revert to eating the scraps ,that I sometime feed the loose bowel-ed fox's!


To be fair, they have offered me £25 compensation, which completely p***ed me off as I hate this compensation culture. I told them that I just wanted my wages and nothing else.



Any donations please fold and send to me via 'The Old Decrepit Trombonists Society)

N.B I think the Fairy Dust has now spread!!! A Crematorium has just rang to ask where the paperwork is for a Funeral we are doing in a couple of days.

The paperwork was delivered by hand yesterday and given to a member of staff of the said crematorium!!!! (wonder if they have my wages as well?)

I am listening to James Horners marvelous soundtrack to Titanic again. It's amazing, how music can make a tragedy, mysterious and romantic and yet if you had played the music over the tannoy of the real sinking Titanic, it would not have made a jot of difference to the fear and despair felt by the doomed passengers!!


I must admit, that I have one big ambition left (apart from moving to Staithes) and that is, to play on a Film Soundtrack. Any Film soundtrack. I would even pay them to do it!!!!!

Ping Pong

This looking after the wild animals lark, isn't all it's made out to be?

I regularly feed the wild fox's outside my house.When I don't, they leave a small deposit on my Garden.

Last night, after Band, I sat in the living room watching tv, when I caught a whiff of an awful smell.

First thoughts were, that it was me.

With horror though, I realised that a Fox had pooed on my path and I had stood in it and walked it into the house.

It was everywhere, and I still have the lingering whiff of hedgehog poo as well.
I am afraid in this situation Shake and Vac is bloody useless!!!

My Bank has a customer charter that guarantees to look after you.
Why is it then ,that they have lost my wages. Promised to ring me today to sort it out and didn't. Kept me waiting on a 0845 number, only to be told that the Bank was now closed!!!!
I can feel a bit of a battle approaching.

I had a lip like old leather again last night, but managed to squeeze out a couple of solo's?
Thinking back, it was a well balanced night.

We had to do a Funeral recently where plain clothed police people had to mingle with the mourners in case of trouble??
Has the world really gone that mad?

I read another saying today, which no doubt will become a favourite.

By Bob Dylan it reads.

If you don't believe theirs a price.
For this sweet paradise.
Just remind me, to show you the scars.

In some lives, so true.

Twin Peaks

Oh how strange we humans are.
Ok, I will rephrase that.
Oh, how strange I am.
When my Trombone is stood in the middle of my lounge and is calling out 'practice me' 'practice me'
Then I sometimes can't be bothered.
But when it's not there and being repaired, I get withdrawal symptoms and desperately want to play?
A psychiatrist would have a field day with that!

On that subject, my favourite quote from the Psychiatrists chair.

I hate being Bipolar, it's great!!!

Noticed today that a Sunday newspaper is publishing photo's of Kate Middletons Sister, Pippa, with her paps out!!!
Now what possible good, can this do her reputation. Taken on a private yacht from a distance. with a camera lens so big, you could take a picture of our Trumpet players wallet from 10 miles (ok you could probably see it with the naked eye from that far). It just spoils, what was a great day for England and starts to cheapen it.
I bet the Queen will love that!

I have now been an undertaker for about 12 years. I have been a musician for 45 years!
However if I am stood outside a church or at the Crem, more people know my other Funeral colleagues, than know me?
Which just goes to prove, that death is more popular than music!!!

It's a girl

After posting a picture of my mystery spider brooch yesterday, I am pleased to say, that a large retail outlet have show interest in it's value.
Poundland rang me this morning, but I turned their kind offer down?

Walking round town today, I noticed how many women now have short tops showing there jewel encrusted belly buttons.
I think I might do the same and show my naveled hernia, as that sometimes glows red as well!

Hooray, I have my Trombone back and an excellent job was made by the instrument doctor. You can't even see where the cannula has been. Top Job.

Doing some financial admin last night, I suddenly realised that 2 weeks wages had not been paid into the Bank.
Went and queued this morning, only to be told that they would have to investigate Monday. The 2 cheques had been with them since the Royal Wedding day and have disappeared between the quick pay box and the 4 feet walk to behind the counter!!!!
They said sorry.
I said, I can't spend that!!!

Heard from the nice Hedgehog lady today and have copied her lovely e mail below

Your female Hoggie is doing very well the antibiotics are working and the wound is healing nicely.

She is eating and drinking very well and I am hoping to release her once she has completed the antibiotics in around another 5 days..

Thank you for taking the time to call for help for her as alot of people would not have bothered.

Without your action she would of most certainly have died, as the wound would have become infected and she would of suffered until death.

So you can honestly say you saved her life and she will be on her travels very soon hopefully to breed as they are in such decline..

I will mark her with a colour and watch the cctv in case she decides to return for food and water anytime in the future. I will of course let you know!!

My sincere thanks to you


No My sincere thanks to her.

It's a Boy

While my Trombone is in Hospital ,I have been pacing up and down all night, getting through packs and packs of cigarettes.

I am pleased to announce ,that the bone came through the operation successfully and will be back home on Saturday. They have even left the pencil marks on my slide ,so I still know where all the positions are!!

I have been searching on line to see if I can find any information on this 1920s piece of costume jewellery I have bought. (see above)

Nothing like it can be found, so I am pretty pleased with my purchase and framing attempt. Who knows it might even be rare.

I don't know why, but I seem to be snacking late at night just lately?
I figured that if we were not meant to eat at night, then they would not have put a light in my fridge?

Thunderbirds

There are some real nice people out there.

I took my squatter of a Hedgehog on a 5 mile journey to a rescue centre.

I had to drive with the windows open as he/she had done a few massive poo's in the cardboard box and was already up and wolfing down more dog food.

When I got to the house, the lady was waiting with an emergency incubator!!!

She examined my prickly friend! and determined that it was a 2 year old female with a damaged eye, had been pecked at by birds and had an infection. She had a syringe with antibiotics at the ready.

In the garden, was a shed, that had heating and light and cameras.

She could observe the hedgehogs on the tv in her house. She had 13 she had released back into the wild, but they kept coming back to feed and sleep.

I was very impressed and also touched by her compassion and just know that the little girl I looked after is safe in her hands.

I figure we were in the right pace at the right time and was meant to help her.

Nice!!

My Trombone goes into hospital tonight for dent removal. That means I can't practice arghhhhh!!

I was also rang by the local radio again today, asking if I would go on air to comment about a text I had sent in reply to a feature they had done.

It concerned a new University Course to obtain an MA in.....Horror.

I texted, that you often see an ad in the job section of the local paper for a Vincent Price apprentice.......what a waste of time, just to keep the unemployment figures down? As loads of spotty teenagers will apply, walk out with a degree and straight onto the dole!!!

Did you know that an anagram of Osama Bin Laden is

Lob Man in Da Sea!!!

Spooky?

Spanish

I am sure that there is some sort of saying ,that infers ,that if you do good deeds in life, that you will be rewarded in the future?

So how come, that driving back from the take away last night with my girlfriend, we found an injured Hedgehog.

Very smelly and covered with fleas (The Hedgehog, not my girlfriend) I chased it round the close with neighbours curtains twitching.

I managed to grab it and noticed it had been mauled by some other animal. Some of the neighbours came out and said it had been wandering around for a couple of days (then why didn't they do something about it grrrr)

Taking it into my house and my takeaway now stone cold, I rang the Hedgehog rescue line????

Because I was rushing out to play in the Band, I could not get it to them ,so they advised me to get it a hot water bottle and feed it on dog food!!! and keep an eye on it overnight.

I have neither of these things in my house, so whilst my partner went to the shop[ (she had eaten her tea) I fashioned a hot water bottle out of an old plastic container and filled it with warm water. ( I also can make a Tracey Island out of sticky back plastic)
I left it a tasty bowl of Pedigree Chum and some water and legged it to Band.

So my reward was..........my new Trombone, falling off it's stand during the Concert, and getting a massive dent in the pipe work!!!!

Arriving home I rang my partner and she asked how my prickly lodger was.

Bad news I am afraid.

Oh no is he dead, she asked,

No, bad news that my Trombone has been damaged!!!

The Hedgehog is alive and well and eating the mutty morsels as if there was no tomorrow.

So at midnight, I refilled 'Spikeys' (yes I have named him) hot water bottle and replenished his doggy treats.

Having had a bad night worrying about the poor mite, I opened the porch door with trepidation this morning?

I was hit by an awful smell as I looked into the box

The hedgehog had taken the blanket I had put in for him and wrapped himself up cosy like, with just his nose sticking out, he had also taken the food and water dishes in his little tent and devoured the lot!!!!

I feel quite maternal now? But I still have a bloody dented Trombone????

When I got home from work, my partner rang me again.
How's things she asked.
Bad news I am afraid.
Is it dead she tremor ed.
No but my bloody Trombone is bent.
Tsk priorities!!!

So off to the rescue centre tonight.

Knowing the way things are going though, I will probably crash the car!!!

Bermondsey

No one at work, could believe, that I played to an empty room this weekend? It's a good job I had a photo to prove it, as they thought I was making it up? (see left)

I sprang out of bed ,keen and ready for work this morning....... nope I am telling fibs.

I hit the snooze button for the tenth time ( I set my alarm for 4am ,so I convince myself I have another 3 hours in bed!!!) From sunshine and meals out, to the mortuary and strange sights and smells, which one would you prefer.

Was very shocked to hear, that a cast member in the last show I played in, had passed away? He also was an undertaker and I shook hands with him, as always and he seemed fit and well?

Another reason to finish work and retire as early as I can, as the wake up calls I see every day, are shocking now!

I am reading a book for the second time called 'Don't drop the coffin' A brilliant book and will certainly give you a great insight into the mysterious world of the Funeral Trade.

Of course the undertaking jokes are coming thick and fast connected to the weekends news.
What's the Difference between Henry Cooper and Bin Laden?
Our Henry took 12 rounds before going down!!

Blanket

I would like to talk about something very personal.

I would like to talk about something ,that I have, that gets longer when I play with it.....

I would like to talk about...my Trombone slide?

Had a nice message from a friend, who now lives in Germany and has reminded me of something I did with my slide in the 90s whilst in the Army.

We used to do a great Miltary Band number called 'Lassus trombone'. We got to wander around the audiences and I used to be a bit of a devil as to where I slid my slide.

On one occasion, my friend reminds me, it went between a nice German ladies cleavage, much to the delight of her husband and family. Apart from putting her into shock and having to receive counselling, it made an impression on her son? who went onto play Trombone!!! and a Yamaha Trombone to boot as it was the same model I played on. Unfortunately his Mum never recovered.

This also jogged my memory ,back to about 10 years ago when I was playing with a small Dance Band in a pub. A lady had been chain smoking all night very close to where I sat. She insisted in holding her fag with a raised arm above her shoulder. The smoke had drifted into my face for most of the concert and I was well fed up.

So I took careful aim with the end of my slide and knocked the end off her ciggie.

Unfortunately the burning ember fell onto her new skirt and burnt it, much to the annoyance of her and the anger of her husband.

I managed to bluff my way out of it, explaining how difficult it was to control a Trombone slide and managed to get away with it, without getting beat up!!!

Actually I would like a pound for every time my slide has been between a ladies bussoms. Or if not a pound, a small camera on the end?

Been to a medieval market today and then an antique fair, where, for some unknown reason I haggled to buy a jewel encrusted spider? I have no idea why ,only that it is unusual and I have plans to mount it? and make a feature?

Maybe I am starting to get in touch with my feminine side?? very worrying.

Great success for the USA special Forces in disposing of Bin Laden.

The Irish SAS are extremely unhappy, as they had been staking out a local branch of Debenhams for a month. They had spotted sign, but had apparently misread it.

It actually said 'Bed Linen here'

Ok it's old, but it's worth exhuming!!

The Shining

Something happened last night, that has never happened in my time as a musician and probably will never happen again.
I turned up to play lead bone with a Band I had never played with before.
It was a Concert for 'Help the Heroes' and the pub had hosted a Fun day at the pub a few hours before. The landlord came in and said their had been loads of interest and their should be a large audience.
The Concert started at 7.50pm and I counted the people in the audience who had turned out, for such a great cause. This took me approximately 1 second, as the total was nil.
I also did an audience count after an hour of hard blowing. The total remained the same!!!
The Band went off to the bar for a drink in the interval and my heart sank as I realised they were going to come back and do the full hour second set to an empty room!!!!
Luckily the Landlord came over and said 'You might as well go home lads'
This I did.
I had also waived my fee for the night, as it was for charity...but the charity got nothing?
To be fair, the Band were relatively new and only been going for about 6 years. They were all keen and happy and just in it for the beer and blow (now where have I heard that before?) and all the best to them for that.
But how sad that no one came out to support the cause?
I have to relate a funny incident though.
I had heard a very loud whistling, like a feedback sound all the way through the first (last) half. I remarked about this to another musician. He laughed and told me it was an instrumentalists deaf aid...everyone could hear the noise except him????
I was expecting a guy with a microphone and camera, to come out from 'You've been nobbled'
But no, it was all for real????