Adios Amigos

Well folks. I did say in my last blog , that normal service would be resumed as soon as possible. After having seven days, to think about where I go with this Blog, I have decided to finish writing it and this will be my last post.
I hope those that have read it, have got a little enjoyment out of it and I may have made you laugh a little.
I also hope that you have enjoyed my openness and not been to put off by it!
I would like to thank my regular readers for their nice comments and their support and understanding in some of the things that I have written and had to go through.
A special thank you, to my regular reader in Mexico?
Bless you all.
It's now time for me to Blog off.
Thank You.

Tunnel

Finally got an apology from my Bank and my money back? However it did take an e mail to say that I would withdraw my £6.72p and move it elsewhere if they did not get their act together?
Amazing how quick things moved after that.

Watched a prog about Princess Diana last night. At one point they said that when Di looked at you, you never forget it.
I can vouch for this when opening a new wing of a Hospital in Cambridge. She looked across at our Fanfare team and it made a huge impact on all of us?
I wonder if in 50 years time, a secret may be let out about her death?
I am taking a few day's off blogging to spring clean my PC. I have a feather duster a hammer and a screwdriver so it should be fun.
Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible

Sad

My heart goes out. to a fellow Trombone player who is going through a tragic family crisis at this time.
My thoughts are with him and his Family.

Badger

Whats the difference between a number one and a number two?
Well one's a wee and the other is a poo, I hear you shout?
True, but I meant haircut!
For years, I have cut what little hair I have,to a number two thickness?
Sod it, I thought yesterday I will do a number 1?
Well, even though the difference is about a millionth of an inch, I am now completely bald?
Actually that is not quite true, but I dare not brush past Velcro?
Did not think it made a difference, but 2 neighbours today said 'have you lost weight?' as there is something different about you???
So never ever say that size does not matter?

I missed my blow last night, so made up for it by practicing for half an hour, but it certainly isn't the same.

Had to laugh reading one of my partners girlie mags?
A woman went on her Hen night the day before the Ceremony.
She got absolutely bladdered and wandered away from her party.
She awoke the next morning in a strange Hotel. She looked at her watch and it was 10.30am. She was supposed to be at the alter at 9.30am.
Her Family disowned her and her Fiance left her.
Puts my bad weekend into perspective really?

Dracula Lives

Today is relaxing day, I thought as I did my early morning exercises in bed . Up 2 ...3 Down 2...3. Then the other eye lid.
It was nice, therefore, to get a call from my partner asking if I fancied a 'Steak Out'
Treated to lunch. Brill.
Of course in my complicated world, this was not to be.
The Steak was actually a Stake
Turns out that her Mum had taken a call from a bogus repair company, saying they needed to check her drains.
On contacting the company by phone, they had no record of the planned visit.
So armed with my camera, an iron bar and a Styrofoam cup of black coffee (I have watched CSI Miami) I parked at a safe distance from her House.
I pulled the sun visor down and tried to look as inconspicuous as possible (although the black trilby and sun glasses may have been to much)
For the first 30 minutes, all I saw was a horse and rider trotting past my car. As it did so, it took a huge dump right by my open window. Which reminded me, that as I had just eaten, then I would probably be not far behind it?
After an hour of undercover covert operation...sod all happened?
Turns out that they were using another reputable companies name to get work.
The Police have been informed and given her a crime number...hooray.

I have done myself out of a blow tonight, which I am pretty annoyed about.
Envisaging that I would have to front the Band Fri and Sunday, I thought I would get a dep in to cover for me Tuesday. After all I am on hol and up to the phone ringing this morning, did not know where I was going to be? or when I got there, if I would be back in time.
I didn't. I am, and I am bored!

Request Stop!

Waking fresh and alert after 4 hours sleep! I decided to bike into town.
Being an Undertaker for numerous years, I am well aware that your life can be merrily pootling along, but in seconds can change drastically.
Having reached Town via the relatively safe cycle tracks, I found the final part of my route closed.
This now meant I had to negotiate numerous busy pedestrian crossings.
All went well, until I approached, what I thought, was a single bus lane.
The bus to my right had just stopped for a red light, so I started to walk across.
However, it wasn't a single lane but a double and a bus was approaching from the left at about 80mph (ok 30mph but it was bloody fast)
My Guardian Angel must have turned my head to the left, and I caught sight of the 4 ton vehicle inches from my body.
I was almost nose to nose with the bus driver as he screamed and I quote 'You f***ing Twat'
I just had time to wholeheartedly agree with him as I embarrassingly made my way across the road to safety?

They say that your life flashes before your eyes just before a near death experience?
It didn't.
Strangely, my only thought was 'Please don't let Friday nights Dance, be the last one I ever play in'?
So a thank you to my Guardian Angel. The Bus Driver. And for having a spare pair of underpants in my backpack?

Mardy Gras

After a stressful start to my hols I thought things might calm down.
But this is my weird and wonderful life so no chance of that?
Whilst sitting having a rather nice meal and cold pint of lager last night with friends I had not seen for a long time, my mobile began to ring.
It was the Landlord of the pub we play in telling me that he had made a dreadful mistake and we could not have the room.
Bearing in mind, that my partner was looking daggers at me for taking a call at the Dinner table, I realised, that I had to make numerous phone calls to Band and audience alike and less than 24 hours to do it in.
I had also received a call in the week from a lady, asking if the Concert was on, as they were travelling many miles to listen to us. Oh yes I said, it's definitely on!!!!
However. Some inner instinct, had made me write her telephone number down which meant I could call and stop them coming.
I then entered the wonderful world of indigestion!

Having a chat with a fellow musician, it looks as though we are going to suggest, if we can drop the small band, for future bookings.
You have to be a competent player to pull it off, as there is nowhere to hide.
Some musicians play too quietly, because of confidence issues.
Some don't come in at all because they feel exposed.
It's a shame as it was a flexible Band.

Managed a long bike ride today and my favourite job, of cat poo dodge mowing, in the Garden.
Life is good.

Bankers!

2 months ago my Bank lost my wages.
They blamed me and said I needed to cancel my cheques.
2 day's after that, they found them, apologised and offered me compensation, of which I turned down.
Well folk's, they have done it again.
Only this time they have found the deposit envelope, but lost the cheques?
So my holiday has started well thus far and I am relaxed and chilled....not

I am sure a few of the Band are eagerly awaiting my report on last nights gig?
Ok, maybe just me then?
I will say only this.
There are 3 types of people.

Those who make things happen.

Those who watch things happen.

Those who wonder what the hells happening.

Pretty well sums it up really. Those that made things happen, I gave my personal thanks to.
It did not take long.

Despite this we got a great round of applause at the end and I gave out a few business cards.
Which just goes to show, that you can fool some people, some of the time.

I can clarify this by the following.
We played a piece of Glenn Miller Music and I withheld announcing the title, so I could give a prize out to those that guessed it.
First answer 'In the Mood'......wrong.
Second Answer 'Little Brown Jug'......wrong
It took 3 attempts to get American Patrol????
Now it is either, that we played it that bad, that it confused them
Or they were not fan's of 40s music, even though it was a 40s night.
I am sad to say, that on this occasion, I go for the first choice.

Clap your Hands

As I was standing over a decomposing body the other day. Breathing in the putrid fumes and wondering if I should dash to the toilet now or if I could hold on. As I was thinking how tired I was after only a couple of hours sleep,. I thought to myself 'Why am I so unhappy'?
Nope can't put my finger on it?

Was looking forward to quietly coasting into my holiday with a clear and empty mind.
I figure I deserve a break.
Unfortunately an e mail changed all that (whatever happened to the good old phone call?) and I still need to keep focused for a while longer yet.

A bandleader in a posh restaurant made a big mistake by sending a note to one of it's diners.
It was George Bernard Shaw.
The note asked if there was anything he would like the Band to play.
Mr Shaw sent a note back with only two words.
'Yes, Dominoes'?

Pearl

I rang my boss this morning and told him, that because we worked with the public ,I classed myself as a public sector worker and was therefore on strike.

I was in the office for work, at my normal time!!!!

I sometimes have to retrieve locks of hair off bodies to give back to relatives. This is certainly an impossible task for the undertaker when I croak it?

Apparently the police in Cornwall are hunting a serial killer. The murderer uses knitting needles to stab his victims around the Cornish Coast.

They believe he is following some kind of pattern?

A friend of mine got chucked out of the Hilton Hotel last week.

He went down to the reception and asked if the Porn channel was disabled.

They called him a pervert and threw him out?

Feeling Woof

I had to ring up a well know CD shop yesterday and give them a bollocking.

I had ordered a soundtrack over 14 days ago. No one had answered my e mails on the customer help site. No one had returned my calls? I finally got hold of a member of staff, only to be told, that they did not have the CD.

So why are you selling it, if you haven't got it then.

Well we have to order it in.

But it says 2-3 day's dispatch on your web site.

Ah but that's if we have got it in stock.

But your web site said you had it in stock......

Yes, but it's in stock in our warehouse in ....Australia.

10 minutes later we were still at it.

I reversed the logic.

Ok, I told him, what if someone comes and orders a coffin for their loved one and on the day of the Funeral we turned up with just the body laying in the back of the Hearse cos we did not have the coffin after all?

Good point he replied.

Doooooohhhhh, I replied and put the phone down.

This Country is going down the pan.

I enjoyed the blow last night although rumblings are afoot in the section and it is going to get very interesting in the next couple of months (watch this space)

A few people asked me where I was the week before.

I told them that I was looking after a 'Black Dog' for a few day's

Those that know me will understand this.

Those that don't, will have to make do with the excuse?

Can't handle it!

Spent an hour in the Gym and also went on a bike ride. It's amazing what you can do ,after so little sleep?

Actually, last night was the hottest night of the year.
Everyone was moaning how they could not get to sleep.

For once I felt normal!!!

Did not practice last night.

I figured that after a 4 hour blow over the weekend, that I deserved a night off.

Almost had an accident on a Funeral today, when a handle pulled away from the coffin?

The old saying goes ' That's another nail in my coffin'

Well, it ain't nails anymore, but screws, and someone had not tightened them up correctly.

Of course we all blamed each other, as we all make the coffins up.

It would have been embarrassing though, with the coffin on the floor and just the handles in our hands???

My mate, who is learning Saxophone, asked me how I know where to start in the music and finish.......... Nope, not got a clue.

It was noticeable at the weekend, that the biggest round of applause went to the singers and drummer.

Which just goes to show, that folk comprehend how to warble a tune and hit things? But do not understand the technicalities of Brass and reed!!!

Our section, decided not to use our Audio Shields over the weekend as there was not much space. However it soon became apparent that it was a big mistake, as a couple of the trumpet bells were only inches away from our lug holes and we had to resort to the horrible ear plugs yet again.
I think the Army started to realise the hearing damage limitations and got us to set the Band up as above???

Just received some photo's of a birthday party we played at a couple of weeks ago. A few were taken of me dancing with the lady with huge fun bags?
Thank goodnes I was not looking at them when she snapped away???

Me Old.

I bet you any money, that the monster who killed that poor girl Milly (poignant memories of her playing sax ) sleeps well at night.

However.

If I were her parents and going out live on a TV interview I would have offered a large reward to any other prisoner who made his life hell?

Ideally, a lifer who had nothing to lose and his family everything to gain.
I would ensure, that it was a huge sum of money and that he never slept again!!

My feet have not touched the ground today as it has been extremely busy. At one point I was giving out service sheets. Giving out attendance cards. Playing the ingoing music and also carrying the coffin (It is possible if you are quick)
The only pleasure I got today, was chucking rolled up paper at my mates head from the balcony I was standing on.
Ah small things.
I received a Hardback copy of my book today. I was also surprised to receive another book written by a lady in Scotland???
It had my address on the outside and hers on the inside.
I gave her a ring and now have the added task of trying to get it to her.

Scientists have discovered a very rare Rock 'n' Roll Panda.
Apparently it will only eat A Wop Bop a Loo Bap a Lop Bamboo?

wakey Wakey

I have worked out the average sleep I have managed to get over the last 8 days. It works out roughly to 2-3 hours per night. The reason I am sharing this, is, if or when it gets back to normal, I can look back and say , I got through it without letting anyone down.
Went for a long walk with a fellow musician in the break today.
He is suffering similar things to me and we talked about those that we also knew who had it?
We have all become extremely good actors on the outside,whilst an inner turmoil goes off on the inside.
Saying all this. I am still here. Still breathing. Still functioning, albeit, slower.
Lets see what next week brings?

Stay

Desperate for a lay in bed, I had to get up early this morning!!!! I never knew there was an 8am on a Saturday?
Playing for the Armed Forces Weekend on the bandstand in the middle of a park, I figured it would be ok if my partner came to meet me for lunch between performances?
She was looking after the Dog, so a walk in the Park would be nice?
However when she tried to get in, a jobs worth on the gate told her no Dogs allowed?
Having had minimal sleep for the last week or so,I was ready to tear someones head off!
But she would not have it?
She said 'Only guide dog's allowed'.
I said 'Look, she is going out with me, so she must be blind!!!!'
But no.
Not a glimpse of a sense of humour?
It was very surreal therefore that we stopped for a coffee on the way home and I sat in a garden centre in full USA uniform and holding a white West Highland Terrier, attracting strange looks from the customers?
Does not get more weird than that.
Unless I am asleep and dreaming it all???
Shame though, that the typical English Summer, spoilt, what was a great Concert and the Band have never sounded so good.

Measure

You may wish to have an insight into the every day life of an Undertaker.
You may need to know, that every moment, is a serious moment and we are not allowed to have fun.
You may wish to know, what goes on behind the scenes.

Well now you can, by clicking on the title above?
Be warned though.
If you are of a sensitive nature, then the contents may offend.

Greener on the other side?

I think that this lack of sleep is now getting to me!!!

I have just made a donation to a local church, so that I could purchase an old slate off their roof?
Ok, it does date back to 1850 and if could talk, would have some marvelous stories to tell?

But what am I going to do with a piece of old slate????
My House is turning more and more, into a museum of Curiosities (and I include myself in that) and my partner is not impressed at all?

A technical error occurred in the development process of a photograph that was taken of me.
If you look at it from a certain angle, you can see a sprouting of hair through the follicles.

Dennis

Well at least I got a little more kip last night, although I will never completely catch up.

I had a Technicolour dream about being back in the Army (I have these quite regularly in different forms and I am well aware of what they signify)

I was with a fellow Trombone player ( hello Ian ,Gutten Tag Mein Freund) and we were going to play in the Massed Bands.

He had all his Marches on his Lyre, but I couldn't find mine? I decided I would have to blag it and ended up in a right mess, marching in the wrong section of the Band!!! and in the wrong direction.

How weird.

This then woke me with a start!!!

I managed to get off again and then had a much more interesting dream about a female neighbour!!!!!

I am reading a book now, about a man walking the length of the Amazon!! He started with a good friend, but after a few weeks they started to get on each others wick and fell out big time?

This was even before they got to the start of the mighty river.

I think that this strengthens the fact, that we all need our own space and solitude at some times in our lives and I take my wig off, to those that have been married for more than 5 minutes?

A mini stress moment today, when we turned up with the Hearse and the body for Cremation and no one was at the Crematorium.

No Family, No Minister it was like the Mary Celeste!!!

After numerous fruitless phone calls (try saying that 3 times fast.................you did didn't you)

We could not get in contact with anyone???

20 minutes after the stated time, the family and vicar turned up?

They had failed to notify us, that they were having a private Ceremony first!!!

We did not even get an apology!!!

Stress, is only caused by other peoples inconsideration...

and Roses

Duff information yesterday? Today is the longest day and last night was the longest night!!
I have ordered a new book by Bear Grylls.

How to survive on 1 hours sleep a night!!!
Yes folks, the dreaded 'Lay awake all night' head is in situ.
I know what is causing it.
I know it will go away and I will sleep eventually.
But, it is something I would not wish on my worse enemy (well, maybe a couple?)
I have to ride it out as I have no other choice.
It would be much easier if I didn't have to work? but I need to pay my Tax's ,so others can lay in bed all day.
At the moment life is like a lollipop.
It sucks!!

Half way House

Today is the longest day. It bloody felt like it to.
With a bad nights kip yet again and only one Funeral, time has dragged.

Actually, this means that the nights are drawing in and we are half way through Summer?
What flipping summer?
The Clouds are queuing up and asking for directions to Wimbledon?
So we know the next couple of weeks are going to be rainy?

On a positive note, I managed to nail Song of India last night with all notes intact, which makes a change. Good night at the Oak and a fathers Day special, which saw an old chap in his 80's having a boogie on the very small dance area. He seemed to have more energy than me and I think I will have a pint of what he was drinking!

An old photo above of a March through Town. My dad was there so I was very proud, and the only one in step!!!

of life

Just finished a great book called 'Disappearances' (getting loads of reading in, as my sleep is crap)
It tells the stories of Lord Lucan, Amelia Earhart and old Glenn Miller.
I have only read one other book, that mentions a theory about the Chilterns. It was however documented in this latest book, which gives it more credibility.
The Airfield at Twinwoods where Glenn (do you want to live forever) Miller took off from, passes over the Chiltern Hills, en route to the channel.
The theory is, that the Norseman suffered engine failure and went head first into the boggy marsh land and was completely buried?
This has happened to other planes and archaeologists have only recently started finding them???
Maybe one day, some old chap with a metal detector will stumble on the wreckage............hang on I have got a metal detector!!!

Talking of disappearances...where has the belly I have got now, gone to, in the above photo???

Black Dogs

Nice Gig last night. Friday night gigs are notoriously hard to get going. Everyone has had a hard week at work and just wants to curl up in front of the telly (including the Band) but it was a wild audience last night and all the Band were on form from the first note.
I got nobbled to dance with a rather big bussomed girl in the Barn Dance and never realised how shiny a bust can be? I think she used pledge and spent an hour buffing them up!
Good to see an old trombone buddie and we sat in the breaks comparing our new phones! sad or what.
A couple of people have read my Diary of a Big Band now and both have said it has made them chuckle?

I have to say, that I don't usually let anything at work upset me, but we have had one case come in that I really felt for and understand about so much, even if the relatives can't comprehend why?
I fear that I wont see any progress on understanding this illness in my lifetime and many more will follow all over the world, as they succumb to the long and endless battle.
It's so frustrating.

Red Cross

Tired. Miserable. Grouchy. Fed up.
Normal day then!
My partner has got a very bad case of Sun Burn. her back is very blistered. I suggested that she put a cold compress on, but she said wanted to see the Pharmacist?
I drove her to one that was open late at night.
The Pharmacist took a look and said 'You need a cold compress on that'
See I wasn't a Medic for nothing.
Strange whenIi got home last night.
As I entered the house, I heard singing from upstairs?
I could hear the tune 'Nothing but a Heartache' being hummed.
When I went into the bathroom, there was a pretty lady grouting the walls?
I thought to myself...
'That's a Bonnie Tiler'

Busy

A whole day without bread and that is harder than it sounds, especially at breakfast just eating the Marmite off a spoon and nothing to dip into your bowl of gruel at lunch.

I would just like to say what a remarkable difference it has made to my so called IBS.

I would like to say it, but it hasn't.

My work colleagues had just half an hour of gut discomfort yesterday and they were moaning like anything.

Welcome to my world?

The worse part is yet to come.

The dreaded holiday.

Most people look forward to packing cases and off on an adventure.

Me, I am trying to make a comprehensive guide as to where the bogs are in a strange uncharted place!!!!

Most tourist guides have places of historical interest and beauty.

Me, I just want a book of directions to the nearest khazi.

I still have a glimmer of humour about it all though, otherwise it would drag me down the pan with it!!!

My work mate is impressing me,as he is practicing most nights and keeping up the lessons.

It would be nice to see him 'depping' in our Band in a few years time.

The very first time you play with an Orchestra or Band will be a memory you never forget.

Had to do a burial this week. The Gravedigger managed to disturb a Bee Hive when he was digging it. Of course, I got the corner to lower that still had a few disgruntled black and yellow flying terrorists around it. I watched as one made a bee line (get it!!) for the bottom of my trouser leg?? having to stand still in respect for the deceased, I thought to myself, that if the Bee made it up my inside leg and stung my farmer Giles, then sod the respect as I would probably leap around the graveyard shouting every swear word I know (that's alot)

I got away with it...phew!!

Please click on the title above to see what it is really like to take a booking for the Big Band . Listen carefully as most of it is true but you will have to substitute Dollars for Pounds!!!

Tenshun

It's not me.
I know it's not me.
For that reason I will keep harping on about this until it changes? or I go mad (ooops to late!!)

Last night, the Band were that loud that the vocalist could not be heard and again some of the audience sat with their fingers in their ears?

I can't believe that people pay to listen to a band and have to resort to this.

One old chap has screwed up bog roll stuffed in his lug holes????.(actually, I think he lives his life like that?)

I know that a few of the band have hearing problems and therefore are not aware of the problem, but at some point, microphones will be turned up that loud, that the roof will come off?

Is this the way forward for all Big Bands now?

If so, the Miller,Basie,Ellington sounds will be lost for ever and that will be a sad day for the audiences, even if some musicians don't give a hoot (a loud hoot).
The word's 'balance' and 'listen' seem to have disappeared in some musicians vocabulary? Instead it is 'Blast and 'Listen to me'

I have changed my diet yet again. I am trying to cut out bread to see if it is wheat that is causing me the discomfort.

Ironic then, that 2 of my work mates have the squits today and the rush for the toilet is like watching the opening door of a New Year sale??

Not sure what is causing it, but we deal with so many leaky bodies and fluids, it's no wonder we often pick things up, despite being careful.

If one person does not wash their hands (there is one) then touches a door handle, the next person picks the germs up.

Touch your mouth or your eye's and the germ is in your system. It's then a case of 'Hi Ho Silver away' to the khazi!!!

I watched a programme about modern soldiering last night. It seems that the relationship between Senior ranks and the troops has got a tad more relaxed.
I am not sure that this is a good thing? If we saw the RSM coming, we would try and get out the way asp? as we feared even a look from him.
I never quite got the hang of who I should salute ? So if I thought I saw an officer coming, I would take a piece of paper out of my pocket and try to walk past him, whilst looking worriedly at the paper. I only got away with it once? the rest of the time I received severe bollockings?
You can't salute an officer in a conflict situation, as then the enemy know who the officers are and shoot them?
But in barracks it was mandatory
Times are a changing??

Praline?

Despite criticising the fact that a television station was going to broadcast a programme showing a man dying. Despite my inner voice saying I should not watch it. I sat down for the whole programme and wished I hadn't??

The reason I watched it?

Well, I did not believe they would really show what they did.

It left me feeling very uncomy and extremely angry.

I deal with grief every day, But the lack of apparent emotion, shown by this poor man's wife, left me seething with anger.

Her only concern, seemed to be, which flavour chocolate he should have after he had drank the potion that would end his life?

She did not seem that keen, to even want to sit with him in his final moments, instead a Dignity escort held him ,until he was gone.

The chap was poorly I agree, but to me, it felt he still had a certain quality of life and should not have gone through with it?

I have seen the aftermath of suicide in the past.

To be honest, I can't say that I have not considered it myself, long ago and in the past , when things had become intolerable.

But although I am not particularly religious, I still believe we should fight on through to the natural end?

I still believe we do not have the right to end our own lives?

Years from now! I may think differently. But as I have said. Those that are left behind, are left with the guilt and the questions and the anger and the frustration?

As I said on the radio this morning, We are not ready for this type of programme and some things should be left to the privacy of those that wish to end their own lives.

I think that the programme will have done more harm than good and predict that the Swiss termination clinic will have double their quota of enquiries now.

Sad Sad day for Television.

Gratis

Shame that there were not many in the audience last night, as it was a good Concert. It would seem ,that some folk would rather go elsewhere and pay to listen to a Concert, rather than get it for free?

Recession, what Recession?

It's almost as though the weekend never existed ,as it has gone that fast and I spent most of yesterday sat on my derriere catching up on old movies, including a cheery move a work mate loaned me called 'The walking Dead'? Nice!!

Very chuffed that a friend of mine has received 2 awards in the Queens Honour list.

He has become an Earl and also been awarded the OBE.

He is now an Earlobe!!!!

Aisle be there

Played for a wedding on a Scout Camp last night. A huge marquee had been erected and the grass covered with matting. It looked nice, but the matting managed to conceal pot holes and divots, bigger than the hole in my tooth. One of our musicians, who was wearing high heels nearly broke their neck. (I told our Trumpet player that he should only wear them in the privacy of his own home)
As is required by the standards agency for Weddings, we had 2 blokes dancing together and a lone child dancing on the floor , using the moves they had seen on the prog My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding.
A precious moment last night as we played Pennsylvania 65000. A lady from Pennsylvania was in the wedding party? Turns out her telephone number was 35000, but I think she was pulling my plonker?
The only downside to the night and a major one at that, was, there was no bar!!!!!!!
Now for a musician this is tantamount to a major world disaster?
However, one chap went out and bought some bottles to survive the night, so all was indeed well.
I asked the Groom where he and his new wife were spending their first night together (I am nosy like that) and he replied 'In a tent, next to this big tent'
Nice!!!
The wobbly floor managed to nobble one of our instruments and my fellow Trombone player got a dent in his bone.
It could have been a lot worse.it could have been mine again???
Nice Buffet though and I thoroughly enjoyed the German Bean Sprout Surprise. I don't know what the surprise is though.......

Gone in.

I suppose, my glass has been half full, since I was 10 years old (about 20 years ago!)
It seems to be only a quarter full now?
Despite flossing and brushing teeth 3 times a day and having a huge filling, I still have toothache?
Despite changing my diet and laying off the alcohol,I still have to rush to the loo?
Despite working hard and paying my taxes, I was surrounded in Town today by nationalities from Afghanistan/Poland/Ukraine/Iraq etc etc all with the latest mobile phones, designer T shirts and 14 kids??? but no jobs (allegedly)
I do believe, that the majority of the population of the UK can be compared to Ostriches. Bury heads in sand and hope it goes away, as surely nothing can change the way things are?
Gosh I wish I could be like that as I am sure it would be a healthier life?

As for my new phone?
Well, I can play music. Run the Bands Diary. See what the weather is like in Vladi Bostock. Take photo's and videos....if only I could bloody find out how to make a phone call?

Television now, seems to focus on one thing. Watching other peoples misfortunes in the Big brother style. Be it, mishaps on video. Following Para Medics as they reach accidents. Watching the police arrest villains (ha) and next week you will be able to watch a man commit suicide?
Yes, the cameras have got into the Dignatas HQ and you can observe as a poorly man from England takes a swig of poison and die before your very eye's???
What next? maybe a programme about my sex life.
They could call it '60 seconds'?

Two Thirty

A hole was dug bigger than the Grand Canyon in my tooth yesterday. No wonder I have been uncomfy. As the dentist said 'This bugger is deep and you have lots of decay in there'

Judging by the horrible smell that came out when he bore into it, he was right?

It was so near the nerve ends that I might have to have root canal (if I can afford it) or just lose the tooth if it gets no better.?

Obviously that is a bit of a worry being a Brass player, but will face that when time comes.

But for now it is filled and still aching? but no where near as bad.:-)

I managed to eat some tea that consisted of slushy stuff as I could not chew, so it was an insight on how I may be eating permanently in 30 years time (no chance)

After 5 hours, the Novocaine had worn off and I managed to pump out a happy tune on my bone! so the 'chops' still working hooray!

Pond duty last night and I had to conduct a solemn service and funeral for the demise of one of my partners fish? (In the bin!amen) No doubt it will be 'woman's logic' that it was my fault!!!! and it probably drowned?

Stork

Will I never learn?

I have bought myself a new all singing all dancing, mobile phone.

The theory behind this, is if people ring up to book the Band, then I will have all the information at my fingertips?

So I made myself a promise.

I said to myself, there was no way I would start trying to work out how the phone works after 8pm .

At 1am I was still fiddling with it!!! frustrated that I could not work out certain things.

I am a gadget man and if they don't work straight away I get all het up?

So despite needing all the sleep I can get, I now have self inflicted tiredness.

Add to that, wading around my partners pond, trying to find a hose that had shot off the pump and you might understand why I am a tad frazzled.

Icing on the cake, is the dentist today!!!

What key is it in?

Strange 12 hours?

Last night was a very good blow but our lead bone player got wound up by some prats muttering stupid comments behind him as he was playing jazz with the quartet. He threatened to leave. I managed to calm him down, but he was not a happy teddy.

I was asked if I would do lead to cover next week as he was on Holiday and I said no. The reason being, that my jazz is nowhere near as good as his and it is a paying audience and they deserve his standard of musicianship and I hate sympathy applause if I attempt it and that's not very fair.

The Band leader said 'Well you did a good job last time'........

That was almost 18 months ago!!!

Last night I was exhausted and fell into a deep coma. I was jolted awake by what I though was my alarm going off? Through my sleepy haze I realised it was my doorbell. I shot out of bed and opened the window. Down below were 2 of my female neighbours. They shouted up 'We would like to come up and have sex with you'

Well, that's what I thought they had said through the sleepiness, but in fact they had shouted up for a spare key as 1 of them was locked out of her house???

I had to open the door in my pants (I don't have an actual door in my pants by the way) to give her the key and bang went the rest of my so needed sleep.

Got to work, only to find that my Boss was poorly and maybe have to go into hospital. This has come whilst 2 members of staff are on holiday so we are really short staffed, but lucky we only have one more Funeral this week.

I am getting my favourite vicar to read my book 'The Musical Undertaker' it's a bit risque in parts but he will be the first to judge it.

My other book 'Diary of a Big band' is being read by our female Trumpet player and I have asked for her honest opinion???? so this one is risky?

Chill???

My faith in some on line shops has been rocked yet again. I ordered a new phone on the Internet who boast of their fast and reliable service. Once ordered they tell you to 'sit back and relax and we will do the rest' So I sat back. I did not relax cos I don't know how to?

3 days later and still no 'Your item has been dispatched' e mail?

So I contacted them.

Turns out that they had cancelled my order and they had sat back and relaxed by not bothering their pimply bots to let me know.

I went ape on the live chat site and told them to ring me as a matter of urgency. We promise they replied..............yep still waiting.

I did not practice last night. I figured that after a hard blow at the weekend that my lip needed a rest. Very chuffed that a work colleague has got interested in music after listening to my tales of the adventures in Big Banding, he went out and bought an Alto Sax and is now taking lessons.

Welcome to the club!

My partner and her Mum are on yet another holiday!!! this time trekking to the North Pole. I got the job of looking after her pond again. On going to feed the fish I could not find the fountain and realised the pump and head had fallen over. reaching down into the murky depths. I managed to grasp hold of one end and as I bought it to the surface, it shot green slime all over me and my new white shirt.
I want a divorce.

Walking Dead

Played for a local dance last night. I think it is the first time we have had to stop a number whilst folk were dancing, as it had gone terribly wrong?
It's them 'change of key' gremlins that did it. Half the Band changed key and half the Band didn't. They won and it ground to a rather unpleasant halt. It's a shame that we had new people in the audience as well. Oh well. It put into perspective my duff note on Saturday I suppose?

Sleep Deprivation seem to be the words of the moment with me. I must have seen every hour go past last night. It was only about an hour before my alarm was due to go off that I felt tired? I should be used to it by now, but it still scares me having to put a full days work in with no sleep?
It did not help, that we had a rather long journey just after lunch. I had the Vicar travelling with me in the Limo and he fell asleep. Snoring away, I found it difficult not to join him. But driving at 40 mph I did not think he would have appreciated it.

I am going to a Table Top sale this weekend. I saw it advertised and as I have 4 table legs in my garage, I hope I will find a top to fit them?

Hail

My new Sat Nav seems to have been calibrated when the Roman Roads were constructed.
After travelling in a circle for 5 minutes and many many expletives, I said 'sod it' and switched it off, relying instead on instinct, which worked a damn sight better!

It was a long long night as we had to be set up for 6.30 and did not finish until 11pm. In that time, we only played about 14 numbers whilst the Organ, the self confessed star of the show' played scores of tunes. It goes on that long, that quite a few people started leaving, muttering that they wanted to hear more of the Big Band? (This happens every year)

Again last night, I ended up chastising myself as I must have stood up for 4 solo's of differing lengths.
The main one though and the tune I like to play went ok. That was until the last top 'C' . I realised that as I was cutting the Band off, I had to stop the music by waggling my slide. Of course, as I did this I split the last second of the note. Stupid, stupid mistake, which ruined a perfectly good solo. I compare it to one of those bent wire games at the fair. You try and get a metal circle on a handle through the twists and turns without touching the wire and setting off a buzzer. There is a £5 prize at the end and you only have half an inch to go..then buuuuzzzzzzz. It's lost?

One of the guys forgot a music pad last night. this meant that there were only 4 pieces of music for 5 players on every number. Unfortunately the musician also turned up late and if they had adhered to the instructions, would have been conscientious enough to go home and get it?
But no and as i said to the M/C, I still have Army Head and glad I am not fronting any more as I would have been a tad less impolite.

Ye Olde Curiosity PC

If you could change just one thing about yourself. What would it be? Me, I could ask for a full head of hair. Or to be better looking. Or to be a better bone player. But no. Only one thing I would ask for and that is to sleep properly. I would love to be able to go to bed and sleep until the alarm wakens me?Instead, for years I have had to make do with 4 to 5 hours kip and less sometimes. It's a real pain I can assure you. Diaries are wonderful things, if you have the commitment to keep them going. I am very proud of my book diary 'The Musical Undertaker' and now would like to take you back over 200 years in time and to the diary of a farmers wife Anne Hughes. Just a snippet from December 1796 and exactly how she wrote.
'Itt have snowede soe harde thys 2 dayes, that wee bee quite cutt off from everye boddie bye thee deepe driftes. Itt doe looke verrie strange from thee winders toe see noughte butt snowe, itt bee verie colde ande thee hous verrie darke wythe soe much snow agen thess walls'

Anne went on to say that she was proud of her little 'booke' and wondered if one day anyone would read it? Many have and it is a great insight into the past. Her last entry was when she was in child birth and no one knows if she died during this or just stopped writing. Who know, in 200 years time, my little book might be in some dusty old booke shop and be read by others. I doubt it though as now we have e books it wont take to many years before 'real' books disappear for ever?

Thats Challotte

Good to see in this recession, that some supermarkets are dropping the price of fresh veg. I managed to get 200 Spanish Cucumbers for 50p today, yummy.

Had to fetch a badly decomposed body this week. The neighbours noticed nothing and yet the all prevailing smell of decomposition is awful and they must have known something was wrong ,as this person had lay dead for 6 long weeks. It is the worse we have ever seen and believe me I have seen some sights?

Apparently I might not have awoken early with toothache the other morning after all even though I was in pain. It seems my sleep was disturbed by a neighbours house alarm going off for half an hour? I must have woke when a neighbour with a key went in to switch it off ?

A serious note about the spread of E Coli. You can only get it if 1. You eat something with it on. Or B. Someone with it, does not wash their hands after using the loo. Well judging by the amount of folk that I see walk out of public bogs without washing there dannies, then we are all doomed???
Mind you the amount of people that cough and sneeze without covering their face is growing. I always drive with the partition up in the Limo to try and protect myself!
Selfish?
Yep!

a Mole Ahhhhh

If there is such a thing as a Tooth Fairy then there must be a Tooth Devil, because he visited me at 4am this morning? I woke with real bad teggie ache and that was it for the rest of the night? I also had to get up early to go on a private hire which did not help.
By 11am the tooth had reverted back to normal which pi**ed me off even more as it is an intermittent problem. Only a week to go before the dreaded Dentist, but this time I can't wait to See him.

Working with another company today I met a fellow musician. He is a guitarist in a cover band and they have a horn section as well. So I gave him a brand spanking new business card, in case they ever needed a dep. He is gigging tonight. They set up at 6.30pm and are not on until 10pm!!!

A friend once told me, that if you think that no one cares that you are alive,. Then just try missing a couple of Council payments?

I think I have to travel South tomorrow to go to a hospital to bring someone back from a mortuary. This will be a job for Cynthia my trusty Sat Nav. Although the last time I used her in this part of the country, she lost signal under the numerous bridges and I had to keep making U turns. bloody dangerous on the Motorway!!!

Burning Map

I had to contact my learned colleague, the Trumpet player on a matter of confusion, reference Rudolph Hess.


I remember taking part in the Berlin Tattoo many years ago and being billeted in a camp next to Spandau Prison. There resided the notorious Rudolph Hess. I remember being told ,that the prison guards were instructed, never to make direct eye contact with him, or he would report them and they would be in serious doo doo.


I was confused therefore, when the last part of the programme about Concentration Camps, showed Rudolph Hess being hanged. It turned out that it was a Rudolff Hoss (soon to join the cast of Bonanza) who had been stretched and had a very similar name. I have a knowledgeable circle of friends.

How would you like it, if your loved one was placed in a coffin (presuming they were dead?) and taken up a rickety dusty fire escape ,to a church on the second floor. The coffin tipped at an acute angle and 4 blokes struggling to get up the narrow metal stairs?
Dignified?
It would not be so bad if this was an old church, but it is brand new and whatever muppet designed it, should be put in Spandau?
One of the Ministers thought it was highly amusing the first time we used it. I had a go at him and we have never spoken since. It is a happy clappy church, so the folk who frequent it only see the pink blossom covered world as they go into the church in a different entrance.
Can I do anything about it?
Not yet. But it is on the list.


Nice blow last night and again well balanced. A few niggly things from the same department as was commented on by others, but a relaxing night never the less?

Hohne

How cruel this world has been ,when you think of the atrocities committed against fellow man.

I watched a programme about the final days of Auschwitz and Belsen last night.

Belsen had a particular interest to me ,as I was stationed there (not during the war I might add, although some folk may think so!)

They were interviewing a Jewish Man who was on board an open top train on his way to a concentration camp with many others. It was minus 20 and all the seats and floor were full. A German prisoner who had been standing asked the Jewish man if he could sit for a moment. The Jew said 'no' The German then offered him 3 cigarettes for a loan of his seat. The Jew excepted and stood up. It only took the Jewish man 20 minutes to smoke the ciggies. he then asked the German to stand up so he could have his seat back. The German refused. So the Jewish man got three of his pals, grabbed the German and sat on him until he suffocated? They then threw his body over the side of the train.

When asked many years later if he regretted his actions, the Jewish man said no and smiled? He said that many of his family had been killed by the Germans so this was fair???

Revenge can sometimes leave a bitter taste, but not in this chaps case?

Thrilled that my second book (which is actually the first) has arrived, Covering a period from 2007 and 2008, it documents the life of the OBB over this period and I have managed to read a few pages to refresh my memory of what we all did. Their is laughter, tiredness, tragedy and up's and down's of the Band and I can't believe we did it all together?

I am only disappointed in the fact, that the 'reader' icons precede every diary entry, but you soon get used to them. It would take me weeks to go back and remove them all, but maybe one day I will?

Road Show

A musicians worse critic, is himself (in most cases) second in line, is the audience. I overheard a comment a few weeks ago about a musician, who shall I say, is in his twilight years. This non musician commented that the musician in question was starting to fluff a few notes??? Now this guy is an Octogenarian and is usually faultless in his playing. This has now made me realise, that my style of playing is safer,as I fluff a note or two on most solo's. So when I get to 93 (ho ho ho) then no one will notice!

Glad to know, that those that were against a new musician playing last night, did not get their way.
We had a young lad on Drums and he was extremely competent and fitted in with the Band straight away.
He was chuffed to pieces that we gave him a chance and he will now fill in for a Gig in the future. No doubt that those, who had no faith, will then say how great he was and how they were all for him playing and it was their idea. Seen it all before and know the type very well.

Been to an antique fayre today and promised myself that I would buy no old tat.
A new piece of old tat now sits on my table,as I could not resist.
I think they should open my house to the public and introduce it as the Olde Curiosity Shop?

I had an attack of the 'Slow Hot Wind' today whilst browsing the dusty shelves of the antique emporium. Finding no one around me, I let a rather noisy and pungent trump out, just as a family walked around one of the display cabinets and straight into the green haze???
I was quite proud of it, but they were nor impressed.
No sense of humour some folk?

True Twit

Laying awake last night, with my tooth throbbing at a volcanic 10, on the pain in the arse scale, I started thinking outside the box. I have spent most of my life thinking like that as it keeps me amused.
I was thinking, laying there with my teddy bear and Sandra Bullock life size doll beside me, that if everyone was born to play a musical instrument and all at the same standard, would anyone pay to go and listen to a concert??? Same if it was Football! If everyone could play footie at the same standard as say that good looking chap Rooney? would the scores be in triple figures? or a nil score every match????
I managed to drop off at about 4am thank goodness before I completely went potty?
I did manage a blow for 30 minutes last night, but it was a tad uncomfy. All the notes were there, but not necessarily in the right order?

I had a go at Twittering last night. I can't say I fully understand it as it seems to be more drivel than I already write? I looked at a twitter from Sir Alan Sugar who was having a bet with Piers Morgan and noted that Rooney went for a walk in the park before last nights game? I am not sure this will change my life or not, but was amused to see a site dedicated to keeping music on vinyl???? instead of CD and digital?
I also looked in on Kiera Knightley Phwooarrr? and Dawn French?? Opposite ends of the scale there, but I would not kick either out of bed on a cold foggy night!!!
Reminds me, must get my eyes tested.

Closed Book

Having 'Blogged' almost every day for 5 years plus. Having had my ramblings published in 2 books? I can't bring myself to read them?? I suppose Sigmund Freud would have an answer to this, but I am at a loss to know why I can't sit down and peruse the pages? I know that some singers/musicians don't like listening to themselves (flipping heck, I am one of those as well) but these are only words??
Maybe I will understand why and get around to it one day?

Out for a meal last night and chose soft food on the menu so I didn't have to exert any chewing pressure on my bad tooth. So I had the rarest of Rib eye steaks and mash? I suppose I am preparing myself for old age, where everything will have to be put in a blender, before I can eat it?

Had another letter published in the local rag. Do you think I might have missed my life's vocation and been a writer?

Treated myself to lunch in town today (soup) (through a straw). I could not believe, that one shop was selling Xmas cards already.
So sod it...a Xmas joke.

As the 3 wise men went into the Stable, one of them banged their head on a low beam. 'Jesus Christ' shouted the wise man. Hey 'Mary' said Joseph. Write that down. it's a damn sight better than Hector!!!

Windy pops

I would just like to say, that I am exhausted after my marathon book signing party last night. I would like to say it, but seeing as there is only 1 in the World ,that would be sheer fantasy.

However, my euphoria was short lived, after the onset of raging toothache again, which ensured a restless night and a grumpy day in front of me (no change there then)

I suppose it did not help my inflamed tooth by eating half a bag of M & Ms last night!!!

I have another 10 days before I am at the Dentist to hopefully get it sorted, and at this point they can rip the rogue tooth from my head. if need be!!!

The devil in me made me park in the same place this morning. I suppose it was just to prove a point. However, I suppose I might have gone too far, by getting a pair of binoculars out and talking into a pretend 2 way radio!!!

Funerals are starting to thin out again, which means a boring week next week and trying to look busy? Oh please let my 5 numbers and the bonus come up this Saturday (see I am not greedy)

I must stop watching reality TV as it either winds me up or saddens me. 24 hrs A & E had the septuagenarian keyboard player of 'Telstar' (The Tornado's) He had to stop playing because his hands became arthritic. He also got Cancer of the Oesophagus and when he was clear of that Prostate Cancer which had spread to all his body. Life can be so bloody cruel and proves the point, that you should make the most of it and do as much as you can, while you still can!