Rutger

Went to the Sheep Dog Trials yesterday.

It was very traumatic as 2 of them were found guilty??

I have unusual tastes. I like gadgets and quirky things. Yesterday we were at an Antique Fair. I have always wanted a stuffed Fox's head on my wall (actually there are some people's heads I would also like to have on my wall) At a fantastic price, one hung there looking at me. You could almost hear him say 'Take me home, I'm lonely'

But did I get some flak from the missus, and was talked out of it. Secretly made a bid on E Bay though and if I win it, I will hang it in a room she never goes in (your guess)

I am fed up of eating on one side of my mouth, but I refuse to have the roots ripped out of my skull until I can stand it no longer. Anyway I am sure it is just a filling and the Dentist has got it wrong. I mean times are hard. Would you rather charge 16 quid for a filling or 300 for deep root canal and cap????

I picked up a Hitch Hiker Yesterday.
Well you have to when you knock them over??

Nylons

Duke Ellington, was once asked how he managed to keep some of his musicians for so long? Some for as long as 45 years. He replied, that you had to have a gimmick. When asked what it was, He replied the gimmick was, that 'he gave them money'!
Of course the 'Ellington' band attracted the dancers and a new craze called 'flapping' later to be called the Lindy Hop started. Some of these dancers would practice for hours to become the best in the business and become recognised, Going on to be background dancers in films and shows. Between the 'Duke' and Benny Goodman, racism started to be stamped out, using combinations of white and black players.
It's amazing, that the 'Dukes' Band would play a whole 'dance' without any music??? It all had to be learned and must have taken hours of practice.

Ellington had the 'Cotton Club' but tonight's local dance was not far off that. Our keyboard player provided the playing list. To compare it to the film 'The Perfect Storm, this was the 'Perfect programme' with just the right combination of dances which was superbly balanced.
I was shocked though tonight. One of the questions in the quiz was 'Who was the Trombone player who was known as the Sentimental Gentleman'?
You know, some people put Glenn Miller???? I could not believe it? But then again maybe I am a sad closet Big Band fan.....well yes I am.

Been contacted by some ex members of the Regimental Band. Good to see some are still playing and if you click the title above, you will see a group that has a musician who has kept up the standard of musicianship on 'sax' Nice one mate.
Also enclosing another photo that was taken in Germany in Wolfenbuttel (or Dog in Jar as it was affectionately known) thanks to DD for this. I can't work out if I had already jumped out of the plane and crocked myself or it was before the photo was taken. Judging by my 'facial top lip hair' it was probably this that caused my parachute to let me down??? Oh by the way I am far left.
By the way this is Monday's post and not Sunday as it says????

Polar Cap

We have played in most places in the Country. But last night we were at the North Pole.
Ok, it was the middle of Lincoln, but it was bloody freezing.
At one point during the evening the Bass Bone player looked at me and said 'My God your lips have turned blue'!!!
The only good thing, was it numbed my face and I could not feel my throbbing tooth. Our poor female vocalist only had a thin throw for her shoulders and I think she was pleased to see us all!
Being chivalrous, I loaned her my coat, but this is only so it would be warmed up for me when we went home lol.. I have never known the Band want to keep their Uniform jackets and hats on all night.
An old member of the Regimental Band has been in touch through Facebook. he has published some photo's that I had not seen for years. One of which I share with you here. I am second from the left and we were duty Band at Sandhurst. A brilliant posting.
By the way, if you have a wooden spoon at home then there are two uses for them.
You can either cook with them.
Or write a number on them and go and sit in a pub and shout 'Where's my food'?

Rembrandt

I have now purchased the best in sensitive toothpaste. I have also worked out that if I tip my head to the left when eating and drinking then it does not hurt so bad. However I would like to thank the old dear who came across in the Sainsbury's cafe to ask if I was alright. Unfortunately I dribbled when I said that I was, so I am not sure she believed me?

To be honest, me and my Dad (who uses the same dentist) do not have much faith in him. I mean when I told him that I was a Trombone player and could not afford to lose a tooth, he asked 'Whats a Trombone'.......heathen.

Whilst searching out pictures of Staithes to use as a screen saver I stumbled upon a magnificent Oil Painting. I managed to track down the artist and contacted them. I said I knew that i could not possibly afford the real thing, but did he do prints? This top chap, made me an offer on the real painting that I could not refuse. So I have bought it and it will now hang pride of place in my house.

I forgot to mention that when I was in Staithes I went for a swim in the sea. I went about 50 yards out as I am not a great swimmer.
Suddenly all this meat started floating to the surface.
Yes, It was a bit choppy.

I am off to town to cheer myself up now. I am going to go to the Body Shop, walk in and shout 'I have already got one'...works for me.

Canary

Ok fact is my tooth hurts. But lets put this into perspective. Some blokes in a foreign country are trapped down a mine. They may even have to stay their until Xmas?
I have been down a mine and it is the most depressing and dismal place you can imagine. Dark, cold and cramped. I really can't get my head around the fact, that you can send an e mail from your computer to the other side of the world in seconds. Yet we can't dig down a shaft vertically and horizontally in quick time to help these people? My tooth suddenly is not important. I hope who ever is up there takes time to help them.
The positive side to this, is they have asked for beer!! and the supply tube is big enough to accept cans of wobbly juice. Life can't be that bad after all.

On a personal note I am over half way through my life. Maybe a third through. Maybe nine tenths? who knows. But I have just started to learn (after many kicks in the groin) that thinking of others, can sometimes be unproductive and end up hurting one's self in the end? I always think out side of the box . I think the Army training installed a radar chip that makes you listen and analyse everything around you. You are always thinking 'Are they happy' 'Can I help them' 'Am I doing the right thing' etc etc without thinking of yourself? It has to change now and I have to be kind to myself before it's to late, as I have learned you get hurt too much. Funny old world.

Had a call from the M/D of the show today. All is well and we are now working together to find a Bass bone player. He has already booked me for next year and Brigadoon ,so I can look forward to that as it is a gentle show. (as long as the dentist leaves me some teeth to play)

Taken my first penicillin tablet today. It was as big as Fire extinguisher!! I am having to get up half hour early now to take all the tablets I need??

It did not 'kick of' this week at the Funeral. We thought their would be a fight. However the antagoniser did turn up after the ceremony and made their way to the wake........we may never know???

Suez

I once went on a once in a life time holiday...never again.

I was so deep in thought about a few problems this morning, that I drove past my exit to work. I ended up doing an extra 5 miles!!! which is quite worrying.

After spending 2 hours in agony with my tooth after eating tea last night, I was glad to get to the dentist.
However all was not as I thought. I just thought he would find a hole and fill it. Nope. He reckoned that I might l need root canal or even the tooth extracting.....!!!!!
Anyway after sobbing in the chair that I was a bone player and a poor undertaker, the x ray came back. It was inconclusive. So he has given me a week of penicillin to see if it is an infection and to ease the pain. I told him that if it was root canal I would rather put up with the pain. But he told me I would be banging on his door in a few weeks for him to rip it out. It's great that I am just settling the old tum down and yet one of the side effects of penicillin may be the trots. Life is great at the mo lol.

No place like gnome

Guarding Naturally Over Mother Earth!
I never realised that is what GNOME stood for? See an education here.
Apart from my tooth humming (I get it done tomorrow) I had a good blow last night and really enjoyed it. Still not sure if I am doing show, but it was confirmed last night by another 'bone' player, that the part was indeed for Bass Bone, so I don't feel so bad now for saying no!
I have submitted an invention to an invention site only to find it has already been invented, although my idea is slightly different. I don't think I am going to make my fortune this way?

Had to dismantle my sofa last night after old barney the Hamster escaped and burrowed deep inside. There was enough food down the sides (pizza, crisps, sausages) to keep him holed up for months. I managed to grab his short stumpy tail and oik him out.
Although I am not a cat lover, I was disgusted to see the CCTV of the woman putting a cat in a bin. Now all folk have to do is grab her and do the same for 15 hours!!!!

Wave

When I was a small boy, my Mum and Dad made me walk the Plank.
We couldn't afford a dog!

The Victorians had a morbid fascination with being buried alive. Obviously it had happened on numerous occasions as they started to invent things to check you were really dead.
There was a device that fitted to your tongue that then was connected to a ratchet and your tongue was slowly drawn out to an extraordinary length, which if there was any doubt you had snuffed it, would certainly prove it one way or another.
Another device involved shoving a thin rod through your chest and into your heart. On top of the rod was a small flag, which in theory, would wave if you still had a heart beat.
Luckily these days ,you now have to wait at least 7 days before your Funeral so if you were still alive (99.9% impossible) then there would be a good chance you would wake up.

I may not be doing the show now. I heard a recording and thought that the bonist on the CD was a bass trombone. Indeed when I saw the music, I would need an abseil rope to get down that low and an impossibility on my instrument. The M/D has two choices. I spend hours writing the notes up an octave. Or he gets a Bass bone player in. I think for a professional sound he really should do the latter as that is why the part was written down the octave. Doing myself out of a job but lets have it right!

Seconds Out

We once did a Funeral for someone who had drowned. His mates got together and bought a Wreath in the shape of a Life Belt.
Well, it's what he would have wanted!

Tooth is now humming, so I slept with my head under the pillow last night, hoping the tooth fairy would come and take it out.
All that happened was, that I missed the alarm cos I couldn't hear it?

Auto Tune. What's that I hear you whisper.
Well it is a technology, that if you sing out of tune, it puts you straight back on key. So you do not have to have any talent at all. What a surprise.
That's what a lot of these so called pro singers use. That is if they are not miming.

Auto tune could not have saved our vocalist last night, as he finished his song about 50 bars to early. Hats off to the lads and lasses though,as they quickly adapted the piece on the spot. Ha true pros.

A bit disturbing, that we are soon to do a Funeral that may kick off with trouble and a family feud? I do hope not as there is a time and place and this is not it.
On way back from Gig last night I saw two young ladies punching hell out of each other!!!! This Country is getting more civilised by the day lol.

Ug

Pork Scratching...lovely, but a destroyer of fillings. My Dental appointment is not until October but as I have a cracked a filling, I may have to go earlier ouch. Makes you wonder what the poor old primitive Man (and woman) had to put up with. Mind you they did not have the delights of cakes and puddings that rot your teeth. Nor crunchy scratchings come to think of it?

I decided to visit a rougher part of town today to get some food in (Pot noodles and Cream Crackers, times are hard). I parked outside the shop but noticed some rough kids eyeing up the car. Sure enough as I went into the shop they made a bee line for it. I hid behind a post but they saw me, put their thumbs off and scarpered. I don't know what they were after but they did not get it. On the positive side they also did not get my crook lock wrapped around their necks. Ah poor mites.

Wishing one of our musicians a speedy recovery as he was taken into hospital last night (not the one to have his wallet surgically removed) so I hope they sort him out quick.

My partner said that she felt dizzy and was going to the Doctors.
I said 'Vertigo'
She said 'No' it's just round the corner!

Lest we forget.

I remember one of my first girlfriends.
I asked her 'Am I the first man you ever made love to?'
She looked at me and replied 'Dunno, you might be , your face sure looks familiar'???

Well X Factor starts tonight. about 5000 no hopers who think they have talent and a half a dozen that do?
What really scares me is their faces when they are told they are out of tune and time (I keep my face straight when people tell me)
Some really can't believe it. We have proved that on some occasions at our guest vocal evening.
Folk have sang to the radio, but when the power house of sound from a live band hits them...well its usually a train crash.

There is a woman on the run in the UK who was caught urinating and committing an indecent act on a War memorial? I Can sum this woman up without even meeting her.
1. A smoker/drinker
2. Unemployed.
3. a number of illegitimate sprogs
4. Tattoo of something on her left or right boob
5. And somewhere in her wardrobe.. a shell suit and a FCUK crop top

I start a show in October and have never seen or heard it so that should be a challenge. Not for the rest of the Orchestra though as the majority are music teachers or do at least 15 shows a year. I try and keep up but always come away feeling angry with myself. Why do I still do it then??? Because it is such a privilege to play with such fine musicians and it makes me try even harder. Plus there are loads of attractive half dressed girls in the shows. But surely you don't think that is the reason????

Clint Eastwood

Seems that the incident I mentioned yesterday drew the attention of 20 police officers from the 999 call. They caught the little git. He was only 14!!! His attitude was 'I am not bothered'
Well my advice to make them bothered is this.
1. Hit them very hard with a truncheon
2. Stick them in a cell that has only a bed in it (and no heating)
3. Feed em on Bread and water.
4. Make them work all day.
5. Don't allow visitors

See, you would not want to go back to that and would think twice about committing a crime.
Trouble is, the pink fluffy brigade, who have never experienced a crime, want to cuddle and cosset these scumbags.
I am also in favour of the death penalty. Ok hanging is barbaric, so the gas chamber or injection are fine. This would only be for 100% no doubt who done it, murder. If any element of doubt, then life imprisonment and fight it in the courts.
Unless this Country wakes up and quick ,then we are in the poo big time.

I have bought an all new singing and dancing home phone. It lets me know if I have a message on the answer phone by texting me? It has MP3 ring tones. It can play music to anyone I put on hold and it has blue tooth. It will hep me deal with Band bookings a lot quicker so anything to make life a little easier. Now if I can only remember where I put it?

They're Here

To balance what I wrote about the Police the other day, this happened.
My Boss's wife was walking to the shops today when a bloke grabbed her and said 'I am going to $£&% you up' She managed to break away and ran. She called the Police and within 30 minutes they had the bloke in Custody.
Mind you when he goes to Court, the judge will probably award him £5000 for breaking a nail when she pulled away and send him to the Caribbean so he can get over the trauma???

A top London Orchestra in the 70s had to stay in a Hotel. One of the musicians had led a sheltered life and when he found the mini bar, he thought it was free. Unfortunately he drank all of it and he had a Concert that night. No matter how hard the Orchestra tried, they could not get this guys legs to lock in place so that he could walk? He consequently missed the Concert. It was just after that incident that they started to introduce females to the Orchestra as a calming influence........!!!!!!!

Two of my favourite films I watched when I was in the Army were 'Home Alone' and 'Poltergeist' I did not realise that the teenage girl in the Poltergeist movie had been murdered by her boyfriend just a few weeks after the film was made? She was on the verge of making it big time and he only served 4 years???

Getting Cement over you

I wonder if this will boost your confidence.
One of my work mates son's works for a floor laying company. At 2.10am last night a neighbour noticed that his concrete mixer was being nicked. She banged on the adjoining wall to try and wake him, She stopped though when she saw a Police car approaching and was highly reassured the thieves would be caught red handed (well grey handed as after all it was cement) The police car slowed down (hooray thought the neighbour) ...then drove off. The thieves managed to hook the mixer and drive off onto the road. As they turned the mixer broke loose. The original Police car that had gone past, turned around and came back. The thieves by this time were re hooking it back onto their van. Hooray thought the neighbour, they have got them this time. the Police car slowed down.......and drove off. So did the thieves with the very expensive mixer?
You could not make that up could you.
What do Frank Sinatra and Dracula have in common????
Not a joke actually. When Bella Lugosi died the family did not have enough money for the Funeral. So Frank stepped in and quietly paid for the lot. Bella was buried in his full Dracula kit?

Played last night and all was ok with the lip. 71 years ago The Wizard of OZ was filmed and it was apt last night that we played Over the Rainbow. This number is heard more and more at Funerals but usually the late Eva Cassidy is singing it (not a patch on Judy though)

Close

Having a bad day today. I went to put my shirt on and a button fell off. then I peeled my banana for breakfast and it fell in half into my coffee.Then I picked a Coffin up and the handle fell off. I have not been to the toilet all day, just in case!

Out of all the house removals I have been to, I would say that the majority of folk pass away upstairs. Only once have I seen anyone in a bathroom. You must feel sorry therefore for poor Judy garland who died whilst sitting on the toilet? I never knew this until recently. Again she was a sensitive and insecure person who did not like to let anyone down and so resorted to sleeping tablets to get her off at night, whilst no doubt her brain would not shut down to give her peace. She knew that the following morning she had to go somewhere important so took a couple more sleeping tablets than normal to try and get off. Obviously she awoke and felt ill and went to the loo. It was there that a friend found her, slumped forward with her head resting on her crossed arms. How sad is that. But then again 'death' seems to have a sense of humour and will not always allow the dignity of snuffing it in a nice cosy bed.
I have never removed anyone though who died whilst shaving. So maybe the answer for long life, is to walk around with shaving cream on your face????

Saying that however, it appears that a well known Hollywood actress is on her death bed with her ninth!!!! husband beside her? Maybe still time for double figures then?

Thinking of embarrassing places to pass away? I suppose if you were in bed with someone else's wife that would be a tad blush forming. Easy answer though is to write a suicide note. Ask the blokes wife to put your clothes back on if you snuff it and tell her to throw you out of the window ,with the note in your right hand....symbals.

Toys

W C Fields once said 'I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.'
It would seem that in the early day's of the London Symphony Orchestra, that if they did not like you, then they would not play with you?
This went for conductors as well. If the conductor had messed them around they would mess him around. On one live Concert, the Orchestra ignored his beat and just got faster and faster. In the end the poor old maestro's arms looked like a wasp's wings as they were going so fast. The audience loved it,but the Conductor never worked with them again?
Petty you might say? But to this day there is a musician (and I say that loosely) that I would not work with. In fact, for safety's sake, I would walk out of the room if they were in their as the only record I want is a musical one and not criminal!.
Musicians really are sensitive folk, and once upset, can take years to forgive, if ever. In this case it would be never.
One Funeral today and very sad as only 1 person in the congregation. It would have been nice if some of his workmates had turned up to support him, but perhaps they are a private person. The service was the same as if it had been for a 100 mourners and very dignified.

Sing Sing Singh

I did not play very well last night. I was frustrated because I was splitting and fluffing notes all over the place. I can blame some of that on the girls who were dancing with very short skirts and showing there cotton covered lady allotments to one and all. I noticed that the Trumpets were struggling to and no doubt, for the same reasons. To be fair., for a wedding, it went well and most of the time someone was on the Dance floor. A buffet was provided as well by the resident caterers Ella and Sam (or was it Sam and Ella?)
I can always predict who in the Band will be first in the queue for the food and who, just before we are about to go back on stage, joins the queue???. The last one to the grub managed to quickly grab a samosa and prize it between his mouthpiece and lips as we kicked off with Moonlight Serenade. OK, there were bits of the Indian delicacy flying all over the Dance floor with every blow he gave, but he got it down him in the end.. Who said that blokes can't multi task.
Not sure what next week holds in store, as I have stopped looking at the Diary to see if we have work in. What I don't know I don't worry about.

Shoes on the other foot.

Luckily, I am now at the age where I have got to prove that I am just as good as I never was?

A few weeks ago I went and bought a water bed for my bedroom. My partner keeps calling it the dead sea though?
A quick visit to town today to spend my voucher. Ended up with 4 bottles of vinot for the over 50s. It is produced for men who keep having to get out of bed in the middle of the night for the toilet.
It's Called Pinot More.

Talking of wine. If you find yourself in the situation where you have a bottle of wine and no cork screw. then click on the title above, absolutley amazing (Thanks Dave)

Off to play at a wedding tonight. This is the second in 7 days. Are people completely mad!!!!
I am paying today for a a late meal of Steak and Chips from the Chinese take away (I wonder if they have English take aways in China?)

Always thinking outside the box, I was wondering what period we are all living in at this time. I.E Victorian-Georgian-Edwardian.
A very educated (but tight as a ducks bum) friend of mine informed me that we are living in the second Elizabethan period. So that's nice isn't it???

Oils well that ends well

Life after Death? Reincarnation? Ghosts??? Do you believe in any of these?
I am pretty convinced I do. Recently a Psychic guide in the USA offered to help in a missing persons case. She had had a vision of where a body was laying. Turns out that there was indeed a body exactly where she said, but it was not the one the police were looking for???
Now this throws up 2 explanations. A. The psychic committed the murder! or 2. She really was a psychic. Seeing she was not arrested, number 2. is looking favourable (talking of number 2's it's still the same!!!).
Again we are under pressure at work as we are well down on last years total. The big firm that has moved into town has certainly made an impact. If only folk realised that we give a better service. I know this as I have worked for 2 major companies and the small family firms win hands down.

Rude Joke alert!!!!!

Turns out a bloke returns home from work and his wife tells him she is pregnant.
He was even more shocked to find she was expecting triplets?
How did this happens he asks?
Well, she replied, you remember how I was getting a little sore down below? and you fetched the 3 in 1 oil to help me? Well I think it was that?
Thanks God we did not use WD40 he sighed......

Surrender

Did you know that....
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes..

Actually the statue of Bonnie Prince Charlie in our Park, he has his hands in the air!!! Which probably means our City is becoming more Crime ridden?

At last a busy day. Lot's of dressing (grrr) stitching, coffin making and driving, which made the whole day go real fast, unlike the first 3 days where we were frantically trying to find things to do. Only one Funeral but we managed to catch the storm and get completely soaked. Trouble with being bald, is the water runs straight down my back, down the crack in my derriere and down my left leg...not pleasant hmmm!

For 2 days now we have noticed some sort of drugs deal going on across the road from the office. They just look the scum of the earth and tomorrow, if they are doing it again, we are going to do something about it.

Muffet

Not many things really make my hair stand on end (?). However, the massive spider looking up from the sink last night made me yell. This thing was gargantuan and had two pincer like things in front of his beady eyes... I got a pint glass (which I had to drain first to give me courage) and got it inside, plonking it unceremoniously in the pouring rain in the garden. As I turned to go back inside, I am sure the bloody thing made a dash to get to the door before it closed.
The other insect which makes me do a complicated Irish jig, is wasps. This is only because when I was in the Army and stood to attention whilst a wasp walked across my face, into my mouth and out the other side. I had a real sweat on I can tell you, but it would have been a lot worse if the RSM saw me move!!!

I had a phone call from my Dad last night to tell me I had won top letter in the paper again? This is the third time now and getting a little embarrassing. I like to make people smile, but never have the intention of earning money from it. However it is building my wine cellar up nicely.

Had to drop some ash's off this week. it is always very strange knocking on someones door and saying 'Here is Bert/Ethel back home' and hand over a little box? You can see them think 'But he /she was 6 foot tall, how did you get them in there!!!

P.S If you could please feed my fish at bottom of page that would be great. They will follow your mouse arrow!!!

Terminal

No wonder I am having weird dreams at the moment. I have 3 books on the go. The one at work is about the London Symphony Orchestra (created when a trumpet player! and 3 others rebelled and formed their own outfit) the one in the bedroom is about the first world war (quiet a few soldiers stuck their hands up above the trench so they would get a gun shot wound in the palm and be sent to hospital. The other is in the bog (the place I do my most reading) and is about being Buried alive from the 16oo's to present day!!!! One lady was unfortunate enough to be buried alive twice.....
Great respect for the Air Attendant who bollocked a passenger for leaving his seat to early then popped the emergency exit grabbing a beer and slid down to freedom from his job. Way to go mate. Which leads me to the way I might leave my job. I suppose on putting the coffin on to the rollers at the Crem I could turn round and in a loud voice ask if anyone had a lighter. Then take all my clothes off and do the Morcambe and Wise dance out the door? Hmmmm!
Had those cheap Avocado's today and binned them straight away. What an awful piece of food yuk I would rather have had the hairy Kiwi fruit after all.

Bit bored with my blowing at the moment so need to motivate myself a bit more yawn..

Aisle Alter Hymn

It took longer to drive to the Gig last night, than to play. Over an hours journey there and only played for 45 minutes???

The Groom was resplendent in a kilt. However he would insist on sitting in front of the band with his legs open,

It completely put me off the Kiwi Fruit on the buffet table.

Why at weddings does no one want to dance???

Simple really I suppose. They are knackered with the days proceedings and just want to sit and talk. Always hard work for the M/C though.

You can guarantee that at most weddings, that there will always be a small boy who runs and slides on his knees on the Dance floor. A bridesmaid will be sobbing in a corner somewhere the drinks will be expensive? and some old bloke will be trying to dance like a teenager.
I only did that once when I used to smoke a pipe. I thought it was out and put it in my pocket. I am sure I invented break dancing?

Long day at work today trying to find something to do. It's still not looking good. If it goes on much longer I will have to be retrained.

Dole of Soup

I am puzzled how Mozart actually played the piano? I mean, all the statues I have seen on peoples shelves, he has no arms or legs?

I should have been a Boy Scout as I am always prepared. As I said before, work is drying up and as the Boss put it 'My Bank account is not a bottomless pit'. So I am shopping on the reduced counter now, ready for when my diet goes back to soup and pasta. I bought two Avocado's today but have not got a flipping clue what to do with them?? I might stick them in the Microwave for a few minutes and see what happens.
Actually I am not sure of the Financial workings of the company. I worked it out, that if we have 10 Funerals in a week, then that's my wages for a whole Year plus a bit??? Having not had a rise in 3 years I can live with, but all the other bills are going up and up!!!!
Ah well, I still feel lucky to have a job and the folks I work with have a great sense of humour. but of course in this line of work you have to.

Playing at a friends wedding tonight. Luckily our vocalist is picking me up. I will know when they are at the door as they wont be able to find the key and be unsure of when to come in!!!

Woof Day

Being an Undertaker I am always fascinated with mysterious deaths and especially celebrity ones. Marilyn Monroe's is an interesting case. Beautiful, Talented and an avid reader she caused a major upset by being involved with the Kennedy's. Numerous rumours spread that she was murdered by hitmen? However, she was a terrible Insomniac (ala Michael Jackson) and was dependant on more and more drugs to get her off to sleep. It comes to a point, that some people forget they have popped a pill and take another etc etc. The rumour also spread that it was suicide, which pushed the suicide rate up by 10% in the USA. The normal every day person thought, that if she could not take life with her looks and money then how could they??
It would be interesting now, if her body were to be exhumed and another autopsy take place, as to what they would find? The person who carried out the original post mortem was new to the profession and not that experienced.. With today's forensic technologies how much more could be learnt?

Had a rather pleasant day today surrounded by scores of dogs at a 'Westie' show. I had to take my partners up for the category 'Best looking owner. I came 10th (out of 9)
Had another letter published in the paper this week, which apparently made people laugh! Maybe I should sit down and write a book. Could call it 'The secret of my success' It would only be a page and a half long mind you!!

Big Head

Early yesterday morning, I saw this huge head with spots and open pores and bags under it's eyes staring at me. It was then that I realised that my partner had bought me a seven times magnification shaving mirror. It's bloody scary I can tell you. You can see things you never thought you had!! I might look at some other things later with it!

Had a nice e mail from a Trombone player who left the Regiment just as I joined in Northern Ireland. It will be very interesting to learn about the Band before I joined. It is weird that he left because he missed the freedom of Germany and I because I missed England so much.
There is a Band reunion being organised in London soon. I don't think I will be able to get and not sure you can catch up on all those years with all those people in 4 hours whilst consuming huge amounts of wobbly juice?

Next weeks work looks even grimmer than this week and you can smell the tension in the air. I wonder what the future hold??

Gallon

A few years ago I could drink 10 pints a night, get up for a 10 mile run the next day and eat whatever I want with no effect.
Seems age is catching up, as after a small celebration drink last night my guts are like the river Thames today, fast flowing and pongy.
I need to change my diet at lunch from Cream Crackers and cup a soup, to something more substantial.
Anyway, things not to good on the work front as it has dried up again which is very worrying for the owners and us staff. To many at it I am afraid. People still need to realise that biggest is not always bestist!!! We can't advertise buy one and get one free. Or a free set of crystal glasses with every Funeral purchased. Or maybe a free trip to Disneyland when you have booked five Funerals with us.
Nope, it is all word of mouth I am afraid. Do a good job and the word spreads. Drop the coffin and you are in the poo. On that note I need to go again.

Cheese

Doing a little research finds that the sound protection device I had thought of, has already been developed?? Mind you they cost over a hundred quid for a bit of old perspex which is a tad over the top? The ones you can buy, whilst protecting the musicians ears, is a little controversial as it blasts the sound back to the musician who is producing it......hmmmmm!!!

I am definitely feeling a lot different than I did a few weeks ago when I was paddling in the sea. Again, being an undertaker it makes you appreciate how short life really is and how much quality time we don't get. Over the last few weeks we have done Funerals of people who made it to 64 then the grim reaper tapped them on the shoulder. How unfair is that. paying into the system and hoping to get a little back and then bang gone!!!

Played for a Concert band last night. They did a new piece called 'Bermuda' Half way through the piece the Triangle player disappeared?
Actually it has always intrigued me what happened to Flight 19 all those years ago in the Bermuda Triangle. Five planes just vanish??? There is new evidence they may have crashed into marsh Land and not in the sea as first was thought. No doubt the earth will give up it's secret at some time?
I sometimes think that my wallet passes through the triangle once a month as there never seems to be anything left?

Jack Flash

We have our own small Chapel, where Funeral Services can be held. When this happens I usually get the job of playing CD's for the service (they think that because I play Trombone, that I am a bloody DJ as well?)
I tested the CD to be played and all was well. The in going tune was to be 'Heartbeat' from the Tv series. As the Coffin was brought in I started the CD. It should have been Heartbeat but was more like Tachycardic??? as the music was jumping all over the place. This was started by the rather large derriere of a bearer who banged into the table the player was sitting on. During the service I very quietly removed the CD and cleaned it ready for the outgoing track. All went well until a mourner brushed against the player on their way out and off went the 'jumping tracks' again.
. When one of the family members complained,the Funeral Director blamed me!!!! I have broad shoulders so took it on the chins!!.
However after the service I once again played the music and swung the CD player around my head, banged it, kicked it and the blinking CD did not jump once. My only other theory is that the deceased did not like the choice of music??? and were showing there displeasure by making the tracks jump.

Here's a thought. Why can't you buy Mouse Flavoured Cat food??

Cotton Wool

Awful day today. No work. Bad Tum and no energy?
I sent an article to the Band about musicians going deaf (pardon). It would seem that some of the top musicians in orchestras are starting to lose their hearing. One Oboist remarked that he could no longer hear the lead violin in Sheherazade? Health and safety officials have issued the musicians with ear plugs but most don't wear them because they think that if they can't hear themselves then they will play badly? The Trombones in one well known Orchestra were compared to a chain saw!!!! Fact is that at some point a member of a regular audience somewhere will suddenly sue for damaged hearing. However it is personal choice if you want to sit through the whole of 1812 including pyrotechnics and go Mutton Jeff??

I have this simple device that I should take to the Dragons Den. All it is is a piece of curved perspex on a telescopic arm that fits to the back of your chair. The perspex is then adjusted to protect your ears from musicians behind, but you can still hear yourself?

What is white and crawls slowly up your inside leg.
Uncle Ben's perverted Rice!!!!

Ug

Missionary work is still being carried out today all over the world. Be it Africa or on my street. But think of the poor Nun who was sent out to a jungle somewhere inhabited by uncivilised natives. She went round the village trying to teach the chief some English words. She pointed at a tree and said T.R.E.E the chief repeated Treeee. She pointed at river and said R.I.V.E.R. The chief replied Riverrrrr. Unfortunately she then came upon a couple making love in the undergrowth. Embarrassed she said M.A.N. O.N B.I.C.Y.C.L.E...... The chief promptly whipped out a knife and killed the man
Why did you do that asked the shocked Nun.
Because he was riding my bicycle replied the chief.


I had an attack of the Montezuma's revenge yesterday... Luckily I was at home and can only put it down to a glass of water I consumed in a cafe. the glass was warm so I reckon I picked up a germ!!!!! certainly a good detox anyway.

I was searching for Trombone related Polo Shirts before my hols. What a perfect logo for the Musical Undertaker.