Beer Can Sandwich

It's not often I get chance to smile at Funerals. But I tell you what, Jamaican Funerals have just that affect.
They really go to town when celebrating the life of the deceased. A full choir. Trumpet, Sax, Piano and Drums and such enthusiastic singing. You really feel as though the person has had the best send off possible. The only trouble is, you could not do more than one Funeral a day. From my alarm going off at 5.30 am until 4pm that's all the day was about and I am b****sed. However the Funeral Director took us all across for a coffee and Kentucky Fried Chicken whilst the service was on. Not trusting my dodgy internal system and a lack of bogs at the graveside I just had the coffee. Do you realise how much will power that took watching them eat finger lickin good chicken??? All the Jamaican people are so friendly as well. I was blessed by 3 old ladies in the space of an hour. I was talking to one chap. I told him that if I was reincarnated I would like to come back as a Jamaican bloke. He taught me how to talk the talk and you can too by saying the title of this blog at the top. It should sound like a well known meat buttie if you get it right!

I watched the last debate of the Politicians, in the run up to the Elections.
I think I can sum it up like this.
There plan is 'Say what the people want hear and then when we get in...forget all about it' Mind you they have done that for years so no change there then.

I do try to exercise at least 3 times a week. My doctor told me that exercise can add years to my life. He was right. I feel 20 years older already

Taxi

I have done quite a few Funerals at my local Crem. Considering the area I work in, this is quite a journey. We have a Crematorium that is nearer, but folk seem to like to be cremated where family members have gone before. This Crem will probably be my last resting place as well, but I have always been concerned about one fact. Now I know that in the grounds the ashes of many of my relatives were scattered. Including my deaf old Granny, of whom when told by the Doctor that she had Acute Angina, she replied 'Thank you very much' Bless her.
Now here is my concern. I wont be buried because of some childhood fears. However once my ashes have been strewn on the grass ,then there is a good chance, that the very next day ,the industrial Council lawn mower comes along and I end up in the grass box??? Which means literally, that all my relatives are actually resting on some Council tip somewhere? Perhaps I will go for my third option and get stuffed!!!

Dead End

Depending on traffic jams, I can spend at least 20 minutes sat on a side road, if I have had a quick journey into work. Why would I want to get to 'Dead World' early. If people ask me what I do for a living I tell them I work for the Body Shop.
But I digress.
The local radio were asking for Sat Nav disaster stories today. So I texted this.
I was sent to do a carry in for another company in an area I did not know. Using my Sat Nav I set off for the Crematorium. It was in the middle of the country and I actually spotted the Crem before the Sat Nav finished. Putting the sat Nav in my pocket I went to the back of the Hearse and we lifted the coffin onto our shoulders. Half way through the carry a loud voice came from my left pocket...' You have now reached your final destination'..............

Good blow last night but I know now that I will never solo with that Band again. The new lead player just gets better and better. I think if he did not turn up and I had to play lead again, then I would just get the sympathy applause lol so I am going to be a solid second player in that Band and give my all on lead to my main Band.

Quids inn

Seeing as I am in full 'moaning old git' mode thus I will continue.
The lead story in the local rag this morning featured a lady (sic) that had managed to dodge the law for 6 years. She was involved in theft and was guilty and banged to rights. However she legged it and they finally caught her. The fine she was due to pay was over £7000. However as she was on benefits and could not afford to pay, the judge said a pound would do???? Now I have sat in the public gallery before and heard this for myself. So why am I seething. Well, the paper had a photo of her standing outside the Court. In her right hand was a pack of 20 Embassy and in the left she was sucking on the very same brand of fag!!! Now correct me if I am wrong. She could not afford to pay more than a pound and yet a pack of ciggies is over £6. You do the maths.
Nearly lost the front end of my car coming home. A duel carriage way coming up to the island. Now which lane would you be in if you wanted to turn right at the island??? This pleb was in the left lane and decided he needed to cut across me. Do you know how many swear words you can get in, in 8 seconds. It's allot, believe me.
I took an aptitude test yesterday. the result was, that I was best suited to retirement.

Crabs

Listening to the local radio this morning, they were discussing the idea of adopting the American way of the benefit system. They use the criteria that you must do some form of voluntary work before you get your money? Now I realise that there are genuine cases out there, but for one genuine case there is another sponger. So it would have to be means tested. That would mean that the genuine people out of work who desperately need a little more cash, could get it. When I left the Army I was a poorly lad to say the least and had to sign on to try and get my life together. I did sign on for a short while but I also took voluntary work each day to make up for it. I texted the prog and it would seem that 9 out of 10 people agreed. However you always get the 'fluffy pink see the world through rose coloured glasses git' who disagrees and live in fairy land grrr.
Out on a private hire today. One bloke was talking about the first removal of a body he went on with his dad. It was a hermit type that had passed away. In them days they only took a board and cover to remove the deceased. It was unfortunate therefore that the person had died in a crouching position, and could not be laid out flat on the board. So the blokes Dad did the only thing he could do. He pressed down very hard on the dead persons knees to straighten them. Unfortunately this caused the body to sit up and make a gurgling sound. His son legged it across a field and took some coaxing to come back.
Dead bodies do make noises sometimes when you move them. The first time I heard it, I had to admit it was a sphincter twitcher to say the least.
I always know when I have 'posh' people in the back of my Limo. If I put the windows in the back down, then they will want them up. If they were up then they want them down? I am so glad I am poor.
My partner has told me that I talk in my sleep. I don't believe her though as no one at work has remarked on it?

Peek a Boo

I have got about 6 remote controls hidden around the house. I say hidden because I can never bloody find the one I want and invariably it will be stuffed down the side of a chair or settee?. So over the last few weeks I have decided to buy one of these all singing all dancing universal remote controls. I now have purchased 3 and on every packet it says 'Works with most devices' Well yes that is very true, it does. However my neighbours are fuming because it seems to change channel on their TV's and Freeview boxes but does sod all with mine? I mean these inventions are all very good if they work but I now have 9 remote controls (3 hiding) and having a senior moment as to which works what. Another puzzling thing is that if Marconi (who I blame for all of this) invented the radio? then how did he know it worked because their were no radio stations to listen to. Plus, don't forget it was Alexandra Graham Bell who invented the telephone, but it was my missus who invented the permanently engaged tone.
Band rehearsal tonight, but with the way it is going it will be just me and Roy the Wallet and what with no chance of getting a drink out of him I might as well stay in and watch Songs of Praise!!

Danny

Shopping with my partner today. While she went to look for her 1000th pair of shoes, I sat outside having a coffee watching the girls go by (make a good song that)
I was just ogling a fine female derriere, when the lass turned around and I realised all was not as it should be. I suppose the clue should have been the rather large Marquee erected in the Market Place. Yes the The Ladycocks of Bangboy' were in town. Actually that was a Malapropism, but I prefer it that way! I wanted to follow the boy/girl into town and see what bog she went into. See that fascinated me, but my partner thought it was weird!!! It was just a scientific experiment that's all. I mean did he/she squat or stand? Shake or wiggle???? It's like the question of what do you call a male ladybird? So many combinations that will remain a mystery forever?
We then went off for tea in one of the larger supermarkets. Strange that the cafe said they had run out of most things on the menu??? Now forgive me if I am wrong, but we were in one of the largest food stores in town?? The shelves were fair groaning with potatoes and salmon and bacon etc? But no, they could not do it that way? Another mystery me thinks.
See Supermarkets are strange places. If you are ill you have to walk all the way to the back of the store to the Pharmacist. Yet if you smoke, then the fags are at the front?
See another thing that puzzles me is, that people pay money to go up tall buildings, then put money in telescopes to look at things on the ground?? It don't make sense. Ok, you have probably worked out that I have had plenty of time to think today, which is always a dangerous thing. So my final question is. If people from Poland are called Poles. What do they call folk from Holland? See!!!!

Worcester

A manager from another Funeral Company got stuck abroad because of the cancellations of flights. Instead of waiting, he got 2 guys to drive out in a car and pick him and his family up. A rough cost of this would have been in the region of £1000 if it was totaled up??? If he had waited another day he could have caught a flight?
Almost had the front end of the Limo taken off today by a refuse lorry. I think the driver was pretty good at lip reading as I told him 'To go forth and multiply!'
Hows your Chanel Tunnel I here you cry. Well I have not mentioned it for a while because I am just accepting it as it is. It certainly ain't right but I do not know where to turn anymore for answers??? I have to use a toilet brush after every visit now. I have to say that I much prefer paper as the brush is really rough on my bum?
Did you know that the bloke who invented spray paint actually got the idea when he was drinking Tomato Juice..and sneezed?

Wrestler

About 5 weeks ago I did a solo called 'Embraceable You' of which I made a complete a*rse of. It was a silly mistake as my eyes did not travel down to the correct second section of the music. It was ironic then, that the new lead player made the same mistake on Tuesday. Now the difference is here, that instead of uttering expletives like I did until I regained my place. he, being a brilliant jazzer' improvised and covered it up. He did say from the side of his mouth 'Where the f*** am I' of which I managed to put him back on course. However to have a jazz talent like that, can get you out of a multitude of problems. Mind you, I still like saying 's**t down the microphone!
Did a whole 30 minutes of practice last night so quite pleased with myself (I practiced saying s**t in 14 completely different ways!!)
I have just checked my house insurance. Apparently my Fire and theft policy only covers me if I am robbed when the house is on fire. Pays to read the small print don't you think?

The Bad Samaritan?

I have now been at my place of work for 7 years. That's 10 years as an Undertaker in all? On my way to work I usually call into a local shop. During these 7 years I became aware of a chap who obviously had a very bad drink problem.He would buy a litre of spirits plus a miniature and consume the small bottle in the shop doorway, wending his way home to consume the rest. He was always polite and we greeted each other with a 'Good Morning' I learned from the shop keeper that the guy had had a very good job but was made redundant and could not cope with it and turned to drink. He had a nice house and a loving wife. Most mornings I would think to myself if I should say something to him? As an undertaker maybe it would have some impact. I was also aware of the embarrassment that might cause too, if he knew that I knew his drinking was not that much of a secret and may have made matters worse. After 7 years of boozing he always looked quite well apart from one occasion when he had a fall and banged his face. I will never know if I should have taken him to one side and had a word, as on Sunday he passed away. When I found out, it got to me . Should the shop keeper have stopped selling him drink? well no, he would just have gone somewhere else for it. He was not a nasty drunk but a nice guy who was let down by the system. Now I will never know if I could have changed his life? I hope he has found peace of mind in a better place.

Again I put myself forward for getting a smack in the mouth today. A driver roared in off the main road into the local Supermarket car park. Of course they had a Mobile phone clamped to there lug hole. I just could not stop myself. I went up and had words as an undertaker to a Muppet. If they got the message or not I will probably never know, but I got no back chat either?

I overheard 3 doctors talking the other day. one of them was talking about a Lung Transplant he had carried out in Paris. They transplanted the lung from a donor in Cannes. In 4 weeks the man from Paris was up and out looking for work. The German Doctor had a similar story on a heart transplant patient in Berlin. They transplanted a heart from a donor in Munchen In 6 weeks the patient from Berlin was up and looking for work. The English Doctor sighed and said that in England they had transplanted an A*rse from Scotland into 10 Downing Street and now the whole Country was looking for work!!

Thomas

There are parts of my job that are really unpleasant so if you are really sensitive then stop reading now.





Did you stop reading????


I mean it?




To late then...

In the past month there have been 3 people jump in front of trains. Now Tons of metal travelling at high speed against skin and bone is not a fair contest. The reason is usually suicide and involves more than the person who has decided to end their lives.
Firstly there is the poor train driver who has a full view of what is happening.
The waiting commuters sometimes see it all.
The police, Fire brigade, doctor and para medic's are involved.
Most trains are delayed.
Then the poor old undertakers have to go and pick up the pieces. i can't stress enough the damage that is done to a body. Not to mention the Hospital Mortuary staff who have to carry out a post mortem.
I do understand people who want to end their lives. But it should not involve other people who end up traumatised from it (not me though cos strangely I have a strong stomach) (But weak bowels!!). the poor train driver often has to go to court and the inquest, not to mention the impact on the family who have lost a loved one. They can't view the deceased (although on one occasion the family insisted, but I think wished they hadn't) It is an awful scenario for everyone involved and even though suicide is a selfish act, this way is inexcusable.

On a music note there is treachery in the air. One of the Big Gigs we play at is having internal committee problems. Part of the group are still running the gig whilst the other half are spreading rumours that it is cancelled. Whatever happens, the Band will be professional as always and honour the Gig no matter who is running it.

My mate tried to put an insurance claim in yesterday. he failed. the Insurance company did admit that it covered him falling off the roof. But not for hitting the ground!!!!

Z Cars

I can prove that Britain is getting a better place every day.
In the space of 5 days, we have had a Hoover pinched from the Funeral Home. Over the weekend they stole the brass end off our hose pipe. Plus. As the lads came out of the Mortuary on Saturday, they just caught a bloke weeing up the garage wall. They gave chase, but the bloke out ran them, sticking two fingers up to them on the way. Ah respect.
You have all seen the police chases where the police car puts his vehicle in front of the Muppet's car to stop them escaping. Well today on a Funeral the coffin was on board the mourners were in our Limo and the undertaker was walking in front of the cortege. The FD put his hand up to stop a Mini that was tearing up the road to overtake us. This moron was not having any of it and made to drive round us at speed. However he did not figure on my hatred for disrespect,so I edged my Limo over as far as I could, almost shoving the mini into parked cars. Gosh I enjoyed that.
When are these people going to learn?
I am changing my vote again. I am now going to vote for the Icelandic volcanic party. I mean they have done more to stop people coming into this Country than any of the other three parties!!! (allegedly)

Tour de farce

You know, when the good days are good they are reeeeaaallly good.
Thing is, you know when you are having a bad day, when your Car horn sticks when you are following a group of Hells Angels down the road to Matlock. Or, your swimming pool burns down. Or even you artificial flowers...die!!!
But this weekend has been great. In fact I felt so good I nearly burnt myself out getting loads of things done. First went to the flicks and smuggled loads of food in. I refuse to pay the prices they charge at the Cinema.
I may have over done it though as my coat was bulging and the sausage and mash had slid off the plate and down my front.
Went into town for 12 hours shopping for one handbag with the missus and survived without having to do a Linford to the bog. Also I dug out the old mountain bike and went for a ride. Now this may have been a tad ambitious what with my nether regions problems and a racing saddle. But then again I think the' pursed lips' look is quite good!
All in all as the song goes 'Just a perfect day' rare but invaluable.

Fueled my love

I have often been asked why I have never married.
Well the sad story is, I nearly did once.
I fell in love with a girl who worked in a Petrol Station.
We went out on a few dates and got on very well. So much so, that I proposed and she accepted.
The marriage was arranged for a year later and she continued to work at the same Petrol station.
On the day of the wedding I received a phone call from her father, who told me she had run off with the Petrol station manager, who she had always loved.
Now, I can't drive past that petrol Station without filling up,,,,

I woke up this morning and went into my back garden. On the grass I found a bag of peas, A bag of oven chips and some party sausage rolls.
It must have been fall out from Iceland.

Don't look now!!!

Well you could not make this up and I wonder how much has been hushed up?
In the town where I work a chap we know was driving his car down a hill, when he happened to glance in his rear view mirror, only to find an American Stretcher following him Now the American stretcher is a little like an ambulance stretcher on wheels. Trouble is, on this stretcher was a body!!!!! I don't know of any other details but I allegedly no the Funeral firm...wow.



I would just like to point out that the cloud of dust that has brought our air traffic to a standstill, is nothing to do with Roy opening his wallet.

I still have a sore bot and after hours of research on the internet I think I have the Black Plague!

Actually the Internet can be a great source of information but it can also be very misleading and can scare you half to death! (so if you are scared half to death twice, is that it?)

Hussar

A Funeral of a musician today. At the service were musicians from the local TA Band. Ah, it brought it all back. I knew a couple of the musicians, including the bone player, of which I offered to warm his instrument for him (say that to a woman and you could be in trouble) but he declined my offer.
It would seem that a family highlighted in the paper today, are proud of the fact that they earn over £800 a week in Benefits and run 2 large family cars. As the woman commented 'If the Government are going to hand it out, then I will take it and i don't care about those who are working and pay me out of their wages. So my message is 'be careful how you vote' Me I am voting for Sir Alan Sugar and Jerremy Clarkson to run the country. See how long it would be before they sorted things out?

Me and my partner were trying to remember the name of a hotel we stayed in 2 years ago. i had to go upstairs and check the towels.

Woodbine

I used to smoke. In fact I was up to 40 a day at one point. However there was a time and a place.
On a Funeral we did recently the Hearse and Limo's pulled up to the house in enough time to get to church. After 5 minutes the FD said we were ready to go. However they then decided to get their fags out and light up. Finally getting in the cars for the 3 minute trip to Church they were let out ready to enter the place of worship. before that though, out came the fags. We waited. Church service took place. We loaded the coffin back on the Hearse to proceed to the burial (now running late) and opened the doors to the Limo's. But first..a ciggie!!!!!
Now at this point I mentioned to the FD that it would be amusing, that if we got to the graveside and the vicar said' you may now lower the coffin into it's final resting place', that we say 'Hang on we are just going to have a smoke'....He wouldn't let me?
Been in touch with a few ex musicians from the Army Band. It is great to hear from them as they are spread all over the country now. In fact we could start a Band, but it would be a bit Reed heavy as most of them seem to be Clarinet players?
I remember one of the lads was late getting back on the Band coach in the 70s. We had the luxury of staying in an Hotel in Belgium and he had a room on his own. I went and paged his room from reception and when he answered he told me he could not get out? I asked him why. he said there were only 2 doors. one was the Bathroom and the other said 'Do not Disturb'

Tony

After giving an arm full of blood (good old Hancock) this morning I am now being tested for all sorts of things including Menopause (why should you ladies corner the market)
With an early appointment I got to work early as well. Apart from 2 Funerals I spent most of the day dressing bricks (you can get these lovely little trousers and jackets for them you know) which meant I could work outside and keep away from a work mate who is on his forth cold this year.
I was listening to the radio on my mobile and they were talking about the most unluckiest man in Britain. Turns out that a Captain in 1930 was out walking when he was struck by lightning. This paralysed him from the waist down. A few years later he was sat (well he would be wouldn't he) under a tree by the river fishing. Yep, he got struck by lightning again Not long after this, and for a third time he was struck again this time he was completely paralyzed. Two years after this he died. Now it do not endeth here folks. A graveyard got struck by lightning and one Tomb was destroyed.....yep it was the Captains.
Talking of bricks, I was stood behind a bloke in a Builders Yard and he was odering 5000 bricks. The assistant asked him why he wanted so many bricks? the guy replied that he was building a BBQ. You don't need that many said the assistant. Yes I do, said the bloke. I live on the 7th floor.

Gonzalez

After not getting to bed until 1am and awake at 5am i was like a bear with a sore head (and bum) this morning. 10 ton of shale had been delivered and between toilet breaks managed to get some shifted. It is 10 weeks now since the rubber bands were put around my internal danglers. On my letter from the hospital it says that after 10 weeks ,if still having probs to ring back. I did.
They said 'ooooooh did we not send you a follow up appointment' I said 'no' they said 'oooh we are waiting results of your CT scan' I said 'I have got them' 'ooooh' she said. Ok we have an appointment late July.....great I said.
Do you get the idea I am losing a little faith here?
Anyway, as this Grizzly' needs to get some kip I will leave it here.
I found out why my horse did not finish in the National. He kept stopping and looking round to see where his plow had gone!!!

Band Sound and Vision

As an extra bonus just click on title to see the Band playing ooop North

Marathon

Turned out to be an awful day yesterday. I decided I would eat out. being careful of what I put inside myself I opted for a cheese omelet and a coffee. Back home and decided to make a start on the grass. Half an hour later I was running to the bog with the worse case of the runs I have had in a long time? Absolutely tired out with it as well ,so I really need to find some answers soon as it is now getting me down quite a bit to say the least.
I am pacifying myself that the CT scan would have picked up anything sinister?? and seeing it went from my head to my pelvis, in my mind, would have spotted any abnormality (you would think).
Extremely difficult to stay motivated through this as I have no energy as such. Last week I trained only twice and that was a struggle? I have to rely on this blood test now to see if anything is thrown up.
We went out for chips last night (I need all the stodge I can get) and bumped into the Manager who is a musician. We did not get extra portions though!! He has not played for three years so I am hoping to get him back on the road and onto the 'dep' list.
I did make myself practice last night as we have a Dance tonight and I want my lip to last the course.
I had a bet on the Grand National and as always bet on an outsider. Of course it fell after about 5 minutes. To balance that out though, I received a letter from the Premium Bonds with a cheque. My life might change after all ,but not sure 25 quid will go a long way to do that?
I was also looking at new houses. Finaly I found one that I can afford. All I have to do is get it down from the tree.

Do Little

The sun is blazing hot, which means the short skirt and boob tubes have come out of the wardrobe. I must stop wearing them as they give me a rash. Actually I can quite categorically say that I am not a 'Cross' dresser as It make s me happy not cross (this is a joke by the way)
A strange thing happened though which is confusing. I went to get old Barney some grub from the pet shop. They have a big Amazon parrot in the shop. When I went to the counter it gave me the biggest wolf whistle?? The lady said it was strange as it only whistled at women? It then started to preen itself which apparently means it is getting ready for mating? Now after the slug up the leg incident I am wondering if I am sexually attractive to animals? (well anything is better than nothing?) and maybe when Barney bit my ear lobe, it was just Foreplay!!!!
I am now down for a comprehensive blood test on Tuesday which will see if I am anaemic and lacking Iron etc. He actually said 'Oh we haven't done anything to try and make the IBS easier' and gave me some tablets ( I have to take 1 every day for the rest of my life... he only gave me 3?)
Mount Vesuvius is still boiling away up my Chanel tunnel so I hope something works soon?
It's my Mum's anniversary Sunday. I was only 23 when she died and I got called to the Sergeant Majors Office to be told. He wasn't exactly gentle with the news and made me stand to attention whilst he finished a phone call about his dog's sex life!!! They got me home pretty quick though and I took my uniform to attend the Funeral. I remember when I got out the limo someone screeching to a halt and videoing me? To this day I do not know who or why?

Popeye

Actually felt almost human today. I think seeing the sun helps a lot.
We expected a punch up on one of the Funerals this month. Nothing happened , but underlying family tension seems to come to the surface on these occasions.
Managed to get 2 hours off in lieu of overtime worked so went off for lunch in a Garden centre (oooh that's nice!)
Dressing as an undertaker always attracts some furtive glances (however once I had forgot to close my fly which explained the more shocked looks) and as the place was filled with people of a certain mature age, I always like to pick on someone and ask them if 'They are alright' in a deep ominous voice.
Well it cheers me up anyway.
I have been told with my gut problem to try natural foods.
Well 1. too many people die of natural causes so I don't think I will bother with that.
And B. The ancient Greeks all ate natural foods and where are they now. Hmmm proves my point don't you think.
I have managed to get passed the doctors receptionist to get to discuss why my Khyber pass still sore and what, if anything, I can do about this food allergy.
Actually, when they bring my notes out now they have to use a JCB!!!

Apple a day

Ok I am in a more cynical mood than normal (is that possible).
I tried to get a Doctors appointment for Friday.
This is a rough guide to the conversation with the interrogator (I mean receptionist)
ME.'Hi are there any appointments available after 1pm Friday'
Receptionist. 'Yes, but you can't book one and will have to ring after 12 on Friday'
ME 'Why'
Her 'Well we keep them spare in case anyone wants one'
ME 'Well I want one?'
HER 'That's ok, just ring after 12 Fri and see if any left, but it's first come tra la laaa etc.
ME 'Well I am getting in early so can I have one'
HER. 'No you will have to ring Fri after 12 it's the procedure(automaton voice)
I gave in. There was no way she could see the logic in booking the day before???? The great British NHS at it's best.

Second cynicism moment.
It has been announced now that 5 fruit and veg a day ain't as good as they said it was for you.
Now I have figured out what the Government are doing here.
When they have a surplus of an item then they tell you that it is good for you? Get it. So if the red wine vat is overflowing then they tell you it is good for you.
Now we have had a rotten winter and a lousy summer last year so fruit and veg is a little more scarce...get it!!!!

I had an headache today so opened a new bottle of aspirin. The first one I took was large round and woolly...bloody horrible.

Sprint Finish

One Ton of Hardcore. Two Funerals and a partridge in a .......
Well that was my day anyway. Yesterday was a bad day as far as the 'IBS'. I wont go into detail but if I entered the 100 yrd dash now I would be in with a chance.
I did not blow last night. Right up to the last minute I was undecided but common sense and advice took precedence and I stayed in.
We are now back to being over staffed at work as the Boss and his missus have returned from hols.
I actually had loads to do while they were off and felt I had achieved something! and got some real job satisfaction. Not many people know that I have letters behind my name for Management (I don't use em cos I ain't that vain). But one of the main rules was, that you can't bollock someone for a job if you have no experience of the job itself.

A word of praise to a loyal reader. By complaining you are achieving something. I dislike those that moan about something but never do anything about it, so you did good.


You know, I once had a wig made of Bum Hair. but it kept blowing off!

Tail

I probably wont play tonight, which for me, must be bad. The sore on my lip keeps opening when I blow, so has no chance to heal. However, as i can't get a 'dep' I may have to go anyway.
Dragged myself out of my pit this morning and straight into a manic day at work. I have dressed 2 bodies. Stitched and prepared. been on 2 removals. Also was the Hearse driver today on a Funeral. Saw 2 road crashes on the way so it is obviously a worse day for some folk. I am going to drag this out for a day or two more, then it's back to the quack to see why I feel like I am 106 years old? (what do you mean I look it)
I am a bit bow legged and I once had a girlfriend who was knocked kneed. When we stood together in swim suits, we spelt the word OX!!!

Raiders.

Angry with myself that the holiday is nearly over and I have done almost nothing owing to feeling so knackered. So whilst my partner is on hol with her mum in Shakespeare Country I decided to get off my lazy derriere and get as much into the last day as I could.
Just before the Foot and Mouth outbreak happened many years ago ( I think I might have foot and mouth actually!) I purchased a metal detector. I never got to use it until today. I drove into the country and found a nice field to wander around. Only 5 minutes into my Indiana Jones escapade I saw an irate Farmer shouting and running over a field towards me. I legged it!!!
I then went onto an antiques fair and was caught short in the middle of going around. This could be due to my rather over indulgence in chocolate yesterday. I then went onto a Nursery where I watched some bee's in a hive. Marvelous little chaps. They get back to the hive and depending on what dance they do, the other bee's know where to find the honey. They use the clock system to communicate, with 12 o'clock being the position of the sun. So if they move from 6 to 12 and wiggle there little furry bums a few times then the other bee's know to fly towards the sun. Depending on how many times the bee shakes it's touche, this donates the distance?? Brill eh!
I then went off to a small town for lunch and visited a pet shop. I bought old Barney the ear lobe nibbling rodent a proper house to live in. It is a thatched cottage complete with front door and chimney? Just thought though. Knowing this Council I will probably have to pay extra Community rip off charge?
Seeing my partner is in Stratford it reminded me of when old Shakespeare walked into a pub for a drink. The Landlord said 'I can't serve you' Why not asked the old thespian? ' Because you are Bard, said the Landlord'. Yes I know it's old, but it's the best I can get out of the barrel. Going to try and train this afternoon. A bit ambitious because I feel like poo but we will see if it shakes me out of this tiredness?

Bacon and Tomato

Been on the phone most of Easter Sunday securing new Gigs for the Band. it really is interfering with my chocolate eating.
Walked to the shops today and by the time I got back I was sweating cobs(what an odd saying) so wonder if I am fighting a virus or something. Not trained for a week so feel like a sloth.
New phone went onto alarm mode early this morning??? so I chucked it out of the window (I should have opened it first)
Thinking back at my old girlfriends. i remember one of them was really keen on the Frisbee. All the time she wanted to play. She had to stop though because it was ruining her teeth.

Retail Therapy

Still stumbling around like the living dead so decided to drive into Town to buy a new Mobile Phone. I figured that my partner cheers herself up with Handbags and Shoes so I thought I would try it with a gadget?
had my local on the phone last night asking for my vote. Although I am not voting for his main party, I will vote for him as he works extremely hard. he got me the no waiting sign I asked for at the local shops and he is taking on the Bank for me so he gets my vote.
Manage to blow for a while last night and completely made a mess of my lip which is now a lovely glowing red colour.
I will be glad when the summer arrives. i was thinking back to an old girlfriend I used to go out with.
She had unusual eyes as she could watch a whole tennis match without moving her head!!!!

Romero

Despite feeling like an extra in Zombies dawn of the dead yesterday, I had to keep my wits about me as it was April Fools day. Two years ago I convinced my Boss (with a rather professional forged letter from the Council) that all slow moving vehicles now had to have yellow flashing lights fitted. including Hearses and Limo's. He fell for that.
Last year with another pinched letter head, I convinced him that the electricity Board had recently found out that the business was on the wrong 'phase' of electricity and he owed them over £3000. He fell for that.
This year he went to Spain with his missus no doubt to miss All Fools day.
No one got me thank goodness. although I am sure my car was black when I went to work? and not Red as when I drove it home.
Do I feel any more alive today? Well after 9 hours kip I feel just the same? My cold sore is glowing, right in the middle of my lip and it looks like I have had a piercing and have a pearl sticking out of it? Run down is not the word?
I am going to blow for an hour tonight to see if I can blast it off urghhh, ouch.
As bread is alleged to be the staff of life? and I have cut all bread out, I am wondering if this is having an affect?
I have just bought myself a book called beginners guide to gardening. it really is for dummies as it says that if you are planting turf, the green side goes up.???
The funniest thing this week. I bought a Snickers Bar (used to be Marathon/ and do you remember Jubblies!!! ah the 70s) it said on the wrapper 'Now contains 50% more nuts' on the back of the wrapper it said 'May contain nuts'??? Good God we are so afraid of being sued these days. I remember when I used to eat dripping sandwiches, eat worms and play outside in my shorts. That was last week.

Carbon Monoxide

I don't know what is cracking off with my body at the moment but, I am going to bed exhausted, getting up knackered and going to work tired out??? I also have another Cold Sore which means my mechanics are run down. Actually I only have to see a Cold sore for one to appear on me. The lady in my Limo yesterday had a massive one! so I blame her. Not had a drop of alcohol for 2 weeks nor has a grain of wheat passed my lips for a week. Do I feel better? Do I buggery. So this weekend I am going to lock myself away with a few bottles of Vino and some Easter eggs and to hell with the world for a couple of days. Trouble is I then have guilt sitting on my shoulder saying there are jobs I should do. I can't win really.
Mind you, I am luckier than my mate who is extremely accident prone. He has a couple of young children who keep leaving there toys laying around. Yesterday he went for a shower and came downstairs with just a towel around him. As he sat down a Toy Horse got lodged in his rectum and he had to go to Hospital.
I rang to see how he was, and they told me he was stable!!!