Hog

Well an extremely roller coaster of a ride year. Just to say to all who have kept up with my meanderings a Very Happy New Year. I hope you have found it interesting at times? I have no New Year Resolutions apart from to keep breathing and drink more! Well after all I am a brass player. Having a day or so off now so back soon. I raise my glass to you. Cheers.

Timber

In my job as an Undertaker I have been embarrassed on many an occasion. One was slipping down a hill in snowy conditions at a burial. another was when I split my trousers in front of a family on a house removal.
Well today I did it again. On a burial I stepped over the 6 foot drop to get to the lowering strap, when I brushed against a headstone....which promptly collapsed with a crash??? Now on the positive side I have probably saved someones life as if it had fell on them it would have caused some injury. On the negative side the family saw and heard it? I managed to keep my icy cool and a straight face although I knew my work mates would takes the urine after.
Sore bot today so my mind drawn back to the concerns I have and will be mighty glad when I get my appointment. I am still convinced it was due to my argument with the concrete when I tried to stop a run away dog going into the road?

Tis snot

Everyone knows I am bald, but it was a strange situation today when some bloke looked at the top of my head and straightened his tie!!!

The break must have done me good as today was not as bad as I thought it would be. Although we only had one Funeral I still ended up doing overtime because my mate would not listen to me as to what order we should do things at the mortuary. We have to collect paper work then fetch the bodies or vica versa. he said paper work I said bodies. He stuck by his guns and another company snucked in front, thus making me late!
We were both annoyed at one of the staff as they were full of Flu. Fact is, loads of doctors visit the mortuary then go back on the wards. With these muppets breathing on them they then carry the virus with them. Then the Doc will bend over poor Edna Smith (any resemblance to anyone living or dead is purely a fluke?) who has just had a major operation...and she gets it.
People say I moan to much about it, but its fact. When they say there is a nasty virus is going around, well it's only going around because people are going around with it????
Managed forty five minutes practice last night and my lip was not too bad for saying I had a few days off. Next highlight is one day off for New Year. Roll on.

Crossroads

One of the great Drawbacks of living alone is doing the hoovering and making my bed, knowing I have to go through it all again next month!

Well that was it. Chrimbo has been ,hung around for a bit and now buggered off? I had a very relaxing time away. The only thing I was really worried about is if the 'incident' happened again in someone elses bed! I would have been mortified. It didnt and although I am still sore in a place where the sun don't shine, all is well.
I have eat drank and been slightly merry. I have walked for miles with the dog and my MP3 and wearing my Benny woolie hat!! And now it's all over and I have to go back to work. It seems like everyone else is off until the New Year?? so I feel a bit cheated really.
I am lucky to have a job in this day and age. But we are over staffed and the volume of work is down on the year before.
It's a terrible thing being an Undertaker (especially one that worries) as you don't want people to pass away and yet the business depends on it? How terrible is that.
I have had a long think about what I have achieved over the years. That speccy eyed timid insecure depressed lad of all those years ago aint done too bad. What with being an Engineer and a Sergeant Major (!) a musician an Undertaker etc etc. Yet I still feel as if I need to do something else and I don't know what 'it' is?
I think the New Year will bring new challenges and obstacles as every year has done but I sure would be glad of a rest now? Everyone elses lives seem to be more simpler in many ways or is it that I just make my life 'to complicated'
Anyway whatever the year brings, as always, I will meet it head on. Only 2 ways you can go really. You stop, or, you keep going.

A load of grit

A poor turn out for the final concert last night. It is usually packed to the rafters but this time only three quarter full. Apparently health and safety laws do not allow you to grit icy surfaces??? So the pub put a sign up warning of ice and some old dear went arse over tit reading it? Not funny really and what a stupid law? Also it was the last Big Band night there for quite some time as the pub is being refurbished. I know the Band leader needs a rest as he is quite poorly.
I managed to access my appointment for the bum problem on line......it's the bloody (no pun) end of January. So I wont worry about it over Xmas then (ha) What a state this country is in? A touch of white stuff and it grinds to a halt???
Anyway this is my last post until I start work again (only 4 days off!) So a Merry Grimble to one and all.

Salad Days.

Lettuce Spray??? Why do I keep hearing that in Church?
9 days after the incident now and still no Hospital Appointment in the post? Do you know why the NHS is struggling??? I think you do, but it's not PC to mention it grrrr.
Apart from being a tad worried I am still trying to dodge all those with Flu/Colds (it's the last thing I want now) A couple of colleagues wives have it but when I asked if they had gone to work they replied 'yes' People are still not getting the message. One Man/Womans' flu may be another persons death sentence. If this is not true then why is another company I know of doing a childs Funeral. The poor mite got the flu and died.
Last Concert of the year tonight and it would be great if I did not have to go to work tomorrow after it. I worked out that about 85% of the Band is retired and the other 14% have probably broken up already? That just leaves me then!

Miracle on 34th Street

Something happened last night that may never happen again in the history of the planet. Roy the Wallet bought me a drink?
Now technically this is not correct as RTW had the lager given to him and he does not drink the amber nectar? However I have to say that it tasted like champers as RTW wallet would not give a door a bang so I am very lucky to have him give anything away.
The weather did not stop the hardy dancers turning up for the Xmas Dance last night and a good time was had by all.
The longer I am going without anything else happening the more reassured I feel. long may it last.

Geraldine

A full day yesterday and it was finished with a trip into the Country for a Christmas meal. What with the snow and everything it was the most Christmasy I felt for a long time. I even managed a crazy snowball fight with my missus.
Finished the evening off with the Men behaving Badly and Vicar of Dibley Xmas specials making for a very festive evening.
Almost a week now since the incident and every day that goes past without it happening again fills me with a tad more reassurance and long may it reign, although I am still doing my cursory checks through the night!!!!

Grant you

Trying to have a normal weekend even though my mind is elsewhere. Already been to visit my old dad who incidentally seems to have the healthy genes and nothing bothers him (although I did inherit his follicle gene). Thoroughly enjoyed a large whisky last night and only awoke about 5 times to check my nether regions. Managed a light training session and about 10 minutes practice so still sticking to routine as best I can. It is surprising how many people have told me, or know of, people who have woke up in the night, with the same thing (I wish they had all been there at the time for reassurance lol) and found they had a simple problem that got sorted out (no I know my mind thinks the worse in my case) and very quickly. So plodding on with a smile on my face (?) and a worry in my mind.

No hell

Where as yesterday was tolerable, today has been a nightmare. I wont go into it but just to say that I was cold, miserable and low. I will be honest that I am dreading that I will wake in the night and find it has happened again? But that is me. Worry about the worse possible scenario and anything better is a bonus. I have no other course as to keep plodding on (and it is a plod) and wait the Hospital System kicking into action. Oh Joy!

Calamity

Being the brave little soldier I am (ha) I went back to work this morning and the wonderful world of the dearly departed. To be honest it probably has occupied my mind somewhat being with work colleagues and I have not been as deeply thinking as I would have been on my own. I also did a fairly heavy carry without anything 'bursting' or 'breaking' so every day without it happening again is a good one.
I am a deep thinker I admit, but we cant completely alter how we are. I suppose if their was an Olympic Event for worrying then I would bring back Gold every time. Really, it is only because I care, that I worry so much and envy people who do not have a care in the world?
I have also been very careful where I have squirted the tomato ketchup today as I really could do without any more scares.
The lady vicar who was in front of my Limo today was telling me about her having to call an Ambulance out to herself a few weeks ago. Not once, but twice! Having woken up in the night with a pulse of over 200 bpm. It turns out that it is Anxiety related (you would think a Vicar would be calm as they are in the know?) and is now being treated with meds. It's amazing how many people suffer in this world and in her case, just a dream can triggered it. I can honestly say that I am not as bad as when I got out of the Army but it is still with me and comes to pay a visit once in a while. Unless I win the Lottery and become a Doris Day (she became somewhat of a recluse) then I am stuck with it. Fight the Fear...as they say.

Variety

Barring any other terrifying developments I have decided to go back to work tomorrow. I can't think of anything better to cheer me up, than standing in a cold Mortuary looking at bodies. I am being cynical here by the way. However, what other choice do I have? It is my job and whilst I am thinking about the 'what if's' on my own, I might as well be in company (albeit non responsive).
I managed ten minutes of practice last night and also some light exercise but my heart was not in it. It's strange how ironic situations can suddenly become funny. The first thing that usually goes when I am worried is my appetite. However I made myself go out for lunch and this is where the irony comes in. I put my hand on my lap only to find red liquid on it. Just for a heart stopping second I thought it had happened again, but then realised I had been a bit to liberal with ketchup!!! Phew. Someone up there is definitely having a larf.

Dee Dah

Ok, I have decided to get a grip on myself and keep posting. Mainly as it will occupy my mind but also, if it is something simple, then I can look back and laugh!!!!! or if something more sinister...well at least their will be a History for people to follow.
To wake in the middle of the night on your own to find you have been bleeding is, was, a very scary thing. Once the shock had hit me I first thought that I would drive myself to hospital, but after almost blacking out (I can stand seeing other peoples blood but I am not to keen on my own) decided to call for the meat wagon.
The rest is history if you have read yesterdays post.
I spent last night waking every hour to check I was not bleeding to death??? and was relieved to get through the night with all bodily fluids intact. My partner has been a star throughout all this by the way and she really has got more than enough on her plate at this time.
I am now in the system for the Colon Centre to contact me. I always remember someone telling me that to do something a second time can be more scary than the 1st as now you know what to expect. Believe me I am not relishing it at all ,as it is a rotten experience and involves most of a day sat on the bog??
I have decided not to blow tonight just to help things settle down a bit. If nothing happens again then maybe it is what they say. If it does happen again then I am probably in trouble.
I would like to thank those that contacted me with advice it really was much appreciated. However I decided to give the 'cork' idea a miss.

Worry

I am afraid that this is a grim post but as always I am being honest. I have been feeling unwell for some time now. Very tired and uncomfy inside. At 5am this morning I awoke to find that I had been bleeding badly from inside. Feeling faint I called an ambulance and was whisked to A and E. I have to say at this point that we have a history of the big c in my family and this has been on my mind for some time. Two years ago I had things checked and they said no problem. But the pain came back. After waiting 2 hours to see a Doctor they sent me home and told me to contact my own Doc to make a Colon Appointment. It was mentioned that an internal hemorrhoid may have caused the bleed but I may have to wait until Jan to get an appointment???? to see if it is anything more serious.Even though I am worried sick I had to 1. call my own Ambulance 2. Make my own Appointment. 3 Call in sick at work. So until I get my head around this I may not post for some time so I hope you will understand.
Thanks

Capstan Full Strength

Following on from the last post and adding to the Septet another suggestion for a musician is
Alice Tree...(Thanks Amy and don't forget it's 'Make up, Mirror, Signal,Manoeuvre!!)

This weekends Concerts in Ashby were magnificent to say the least. The Band (playing in Dinner Jacket and not restrictive Uniform...Thanks RTW) were as tight as my USA uniform trousers.
'Smokin' would be the word. The fronting by our new M/C was impeccable and professional and the audience on both nights were 'up for it' Our new MC is good looking, witty and Charming (yes I am jealous)!!!

They were treated to the longest Drum Solo I have ever listened to (so long in fact that I started to grow hair) in Skin Deep by our drummer, which brought the house down.

I actually was pleased with my own playing and now the Trombone section is settled, that to sounded awesome.

So it is now nearly a Year since I gave up the mic and I have no regrets whatsoever. It has given the Band a new lease of life with someone fresh and with new ideas leading them and is just the thing they need. In fact if a lesson is to be learned it is this.

Within everyone there is an inner voice. If it says 'You have gone as far as you can' then listen to it. If it says 'Stop' then listen to it' If it says 'Run down the street naked' then IGNORE it as the voice is having a bad day. An inner voice is seldom wrong and it's a shame some of our glorious MP's do not listen to theirs???

I just hope now that in the future people will not say 'I miss your jokes' but will say I enjoyed your playing (Thanks J & L) and I will try my hardest not to let them down in that.

Made in Heaven

There is a good chance that this Blog will still read Friday, even though it is almost 1am on Saturday.
First of the Xmas Concerts tonight and I admit I was a little nervous as it was the first time I had not fronted the band at this gig and after so many years of blood, sweat and tears.
I suppose I was frightened that I would get some derogatory comments and that I would have to come up with some witty answer off the cuff (as I have lived my life) it's only human nature I suppose. However I had an absolutely brilliant evening and I had no need to be worried about anything (will I ever learn?) The house was buzzing and I have never heard the Band play so well. It was as tight as Roy the Wallets pockets. It made a nice change to play in Dinner Jackets, instead of the tight and cumbersome Uniforms (although they have got us lots of work, there is now a time and place for everything) The new MC did a sterling job and I am proud of him. Actually if I wasn't so manly I would have given him a hug.

A few of us were talking tonight about an all Derby shire Band (if you are reading this, you now know ,that we know wink wink)

So we came up with this Septet..


On Trumpet we have Mr Matt Lock

On Trombone the great Mel Borne

On Alto Sax it's Mr Alf Retton

On Tenor Sax the one and only Rip Lee

On Drums Its the old dude himself Mr Al Vaston

And Rhythm Guitar Mr Stanley Common

And Finaly the world renowned Vocalist The fabulous Miss Kim Burley (oooh she's big)

Get it? Well at least one person will as you have been sussed.....again.

Bless this House

'When did you first realise your wife had passed away' asked the Funeral Director?
'Well' replied the man. 'The sex was just the same, but the dishes had started piling up in the sink'!

Had a phone call from my partner today ( always hard to talk to someone when you have a coffin on your shoulder) asking if I had bought her a book about June Whitfield for chrimbo?
I hadn't but rang her back later when I suddenly remembered something.
Many years ago whilst with the 9/12 Royal Lancers Band, we did a Xmas Concert in Croydon.
In the same building a Pantomime was being staged. On the way out after the Concert I held the door open for June Whitfield and Patrick Mower!!! Eh Eh!!! So I told my partner to get the book as she might have wrote about it!!!!

After giving the Statins yet another chance, I have now come off them again. I need to distinguish if it is them causing me the uncomfy feelings or something else.
The Xmas Concerts start here so very busy for next couple of weeks.
Joyous Noel Bah Humbug!

Oh dear what can the matter be!

One of the great things about serving in the Army was, you never had to worry about what to wear!


Grumpy, is the only way to describe how I am at the moment (what you mean 'all the time') and like a bear with a sore head. There are a lot of reasons why I am like this, but I will not go into them, thus sparing your yawns.

My partner needed the loo desperately at work yesterday. All were full apart from the disabled one down the corridor. She dashed in there but whilst pondering heard a work colleague on her Mobile outside. the conversation seemed very personal so my partner sat there hoping she would go away.
45 minutes later she was still sat there with a numb bum and more information about this other persons life than you would care to imagine?
The things we go through to save embarrassment.

It would seem now that Undertakers have been put on the top of the list for the Swine Flu jab? The way I feel at the moment I doubt if I will be having one just yet and take the risk I don't catch it before Chrimbo!! Mind you, if it is left to my constantly diseased workmates, then I have no chance.

Raffles

Do you realise, that in 20 years time most antiques will be made of plastic.

I started those rotten Statins again a few weeks ago and once again they are draining me? I am still managing to train 3 times a week but it is a struggle.
Last night I had a solo coming up (jazz) and stood up to play it, only to have it pinched by the keyboard player.
Most people think I am confident but I felt a right prat went red and sweaty and sat down again.
The bloody thing was written trom Solo but the organ player, who is a seasoned pro' just plinky plonked merrily on ,and is still oblivious to the fact that he nicked my go?
Managed to get in 3 other solos though so all was not lost and hey I am not greedy as I will share anything...as long as I am asked!!!

Undelivered

It is said in the Bible, that the Lion and the Lamb will lie down together. It doesn't mention though that the Lamb wont sleep much!!!

If I could put my mood on a scale from 1 to 10 ,with one being low, it feels like minus 3 at the moment. I suppose it does not help that we are not very busy and I have spent the last 5 hours in the Coffin shop which has no heating? I am starting to understand my old mate RTW about Xmas now and will be bloody glad when it is all over.

Someone on a TV programme asked what they would like putting on there Coffin Plate last night.
They replied.
'Return to Sender' as opposed to the lady who never got married who wanted 'Return Unopened'? strange old world eh?

Head over Heals

Apparently women like silent men who have piercings? They think they are listening and have experienced pain!!

The new MC of the Band wants us to do more double act material together. He says we could be like a famous pair of comedians like Laurel and Hardy or Ant and Dec. I think we would be more like Burke and No Hair... (see what I did there!!)

I have said before that Funerals are getting weirder. If you so wish, you can now have a cremation urn made into an exact replica of your loved ones head? That would mean that staring down from the Mantelpiece would be the glaring face of your old man or old lady!!! It does not bear thinking about does it?

Hiroshima

I have decided that today is a good day to try and find myself. So I have started to look in the phone book?

Hows your guts I hear you cry???
Well last week I thought I had cracked it by watching what I ate. That was until I cooked some chicken strips in the oven. (I suppose that's a naked chicken?). It wasn't until I was half way through them that I realised my mouth was on fire! Having dived into the freezer to retrieve the bag they came from I realised they were vindaloo coated strips? Being a bloke and still having about half a plate full left... I eat them all. Am I paying now. Just 2 words. Japanese Flag.

A busy music period coming up from now until Xmas,I now have a couple of shows for next year. One I am really looking forward as it has some nice 'tunes' in it. It's good that the shows chosen has people whistling some of the melodies on the way home. it's that sort of show that gets 'bum's on seats. However my bum is not sitting down for a while just yet!

Moanlight Serenade

The easiest way to stop injuring your thumb whilst using a hammer is let your partner hold the nail.

I have been to a couple of Xmas Fayre's today and a grotto. In fact I am 'Stollened' out.
I still don't feel festive though, despite having my decorations up since August?
I have now written all my cards and wrapped all the pressies so well ahead of the rush.

One of the highlights of the year in one of the Bands is the Glenn Miller night. It packs the room to the rafters.
However this year they have decided to change it because people are getting fed up? are times a changing?

Dignity

My mate has just purchased a Mobile Home. He says it has a great advantage ,as if it catches fire, he can drive and meet the Fire Brigade half way there?

It would seem that the new Funeral Home that has opened in the town where I work has run into problems. The residents on the street where it is ,are up in arms.
They don't want Hearses up and down there street or to see Coffins loaded onto it. The neighbours at the back can see bodies being unloaded off removal vehicles.
I have no sympathy with the company as it was them that put my poor old Dad and his dad out of business.
It is just greed with the big boys and it is coming back to bite them!!!

The Lad

I once fell in love with a Tennis player. It was a big mistake, as to them, Love meant nothing!!!

I have few 'wants' in life. mainly to live by the sea and have a dog (but not particularly in that order) would do me fine.
I always imagined I would have a Greyhound or Whippet? That was until today. We had a delivery of Coffins and the driver (who was from Newcastle) asked if he could let his dog out of the cab to stretch it's legs. We were expecting an Alsatian or Labrador. But descending from his lorry and in the palm of his hand he had a miniature Jack Russell. (have a look below)
That was it. All work stopped and I have been convinced this is the dog I need to get. It could come to work with me and live in my pocket. It could sit under my seat when I am playing? If it is really cold he could sleep on my head? So that is now my ambition. To save like buggery so I can reduce my hours and then go and get one of these brilliant little dogs. I am not holding my breath though.

Coke

I will never forget a tip my old mate Roy the Wallet once gave me. He said that if I wanted my shoes to last longer, then I should take bigger steps!!!

Well its started. Senile Dementia has started to set in.
After last nights Concert I made my way merrily to my car....leaving my Trombone behind??? Most embarrassing when I had to go back in to get it.

Although I was dreading today, as no work on, it turned out to be extremely busy. Strangely though when we were in the office, we noticed 2 burly blokes roughing up this geezer outside the Funeral home. Me and the boss rushed out to help him (not the one with the cold, he is so poorly he is off, even though he brought his rotten germs in yesterday) only to be flashed a warrant card by a plain clothes policeman?? It was a drugs bust apparently. I don't know what we thought we could have done against these 2 blokes as they were built like concrete crap houses. I suggested that we could have sprayed them with embalming fluid. Ten when they had set, kick em in the goolies?
Later on, the guy who had been apprehended came into the office to thank us for trying to help. He told us that he had been dragged off to the Police Station to be searched but was innocent?
However looking at him close up, even I would have put him down as a suspect.Which teaches me that we should not take people on face value (not that I do usually?)
Today I have done 2 Hospital removals and dressed and beautified some bodies. I must admit I do take pride when I get to attend to a body that is about to be viewed. Especially when they say they look 'lovely'? Shame I can't do the same to myself!!!

Virgin on the ridiculous

A lady went to the Doctor with problems with her lady window box!! The Doctor examined her and said...Mrs Jones you have been married 3 times haven't you? Yes replied Mrs Jones.
Well, said the Doctor, I don't understand it you are still a virgin.
It's simple Doc says Mrs Jones.
My first Hubby was a philosopher and he just talked to it!
My second was an Astronomer and he just looked at it!!
My 3rd Hubby was a Stamp collector..........Oh how I miss him!!!!

One of my colleagues at work, never exercises and is overweight and always has a cold. He came in today with a streamer and wondered why I get a monk on?? It's simple really. Why should I want to catch it? If I do it affects my blowing and my sleep and I can't train? Where as he eats sleeps and works and has nothing constructive outside work and thinks it's funny to be ill??
Yes I am selfish but then again I hate colds. Now if people have tried to keep fit in their lives then I am not so stroppy if they have a snorter. But this chaps even gets allowances from the Government because he has let his body go? What message is there in that?
I must have been wrong all my life!!!

A Funeral took place today from a farm. I was in heaven as they had 2 dogs and horses. The Funeral was full of tears so this person must have been very much loved. One of the Hymns was a Carol as well! and very appropriate as it was While Shepherds Watched. Nice service.