Sniffle

I have man flu. The ladies don't realise how bad this is..much much worse than what girlies get. Anyway having coughed my way through the night i had to go to work. The best I can do now is pass it on to my work mates,as they usually do to me.. Had to cancel my blow tonight with the SBB. I have booked one of the best Trombonists in the business to cover for me. The only problem with this arises next Tuesday. The audience make a point of telling me how good he is......I know. I asked him if he could split a few notes to make me look good?

I'm plucked

Having a wander around a flee market yesterday. I ended up purchasing an oil painting and an old violin. It was only when i got them home I found names on both. One was a Stradivarius and the other a Rembrandt? As you can imagine I was shocked, so in my Dinner break today I took them to be valued. Turns out they are worthless? It would seem that Stradivarius was a lousy painter and Rembrandt couldn't knock up a violin to save his life?
I have a sore throat grrr.

Nuts

My partner is full of the lurgy so a trip to town on my own yesterday. All was going well until I got an attack of the 'derriere cheek squeeze' this is a little known illness also described as IBS?? so they say. Anyway, miles away from a khazi I had to quickly get to the car walking like a person who has just been kicked in the privates, drive the 3 miles to home, and rush up the stairs to the smallest room in the house (actually the smallest room in my house is the 3rd bedroom, but I wasn't going to go there. Phew, i just made it. I actually thought it had gone as had not had an attack for weeks ,but it certainly keeps you on your toes.
When I look out my back window I usually see a squirrel. I am feeding it and trying to get it to eat out my hand but it is a slow process. Even though lip was tired on Friday night I practiced on Saturday. I am still not sure I have made the right decision changing mouthpieces? An hour of the precious weekend lost to British Summer time which means work is a bit nearer than normal groan.

Link

A bit of a rush last night getting home from work and straight out to a gig. I was disappointed with myself. Not for the way I played, but indulging in the buffet the venue provided. All the things that I had avoided over the last few weeks were laid out on a table and I am sure the Black Pudding was seductively saying 'Eat Me' along with the Crisps Pork pie and Cheese sarnies in chorus. So I did.....twice! Not to mention the Carrot Cake and Scones.... Ah well no doubt I will be 22 stone when I weight myself next time. It was a long blow, but a great venue. The new mouthpiece is smaller inside and also the rim is thinner making for a much more tired lip I noticed? The highlight of the night was a wander round the audience playing tuxedo. I made a whole £1.... so us bones are now having a competition to see how much we can make over the year. A poignant point tonight was at the end of the dance. A chap came across and said that I had fronted the Band last time, and were me and Dave taking it in turns... I said yes. I have just finished 14 years and now it was Dave's turn. I told him I might see him in another 14 years time. We laughed!

Coke

Had to travel down the Motorway today to fetch a couple of special coffins. On the way back I started to feel incredibly light headed and high!!! Had to open the window after realising it was the lacquer on the coffins I was inhaling. Got a gig tonight. I don' think anyone really likes Friday gigs as most people are knackered after a hard weeks work. Also we have to lose an hour of the weekend as we go into British Summertime ha ha ha ha ha...............

Fired

I have been looking forward to last night for ages. The Apprentice has started again with Sir Alan Sugar in charge. This guy should be running the country as he would soon sort all the nonsense out. It is fascinating to watch a bunch of people trying to work together to achieve a task, but in fact spending more time on back stabbing and bickering...just like real life in fact. Great TV.
Today we finished of yesterdays grim task, but this time with masks of which I had sprinkled some aftershave to try and cut out the smell. Yuk.

You Tube?

Many years ago when a person passed away, be it a Nursing Home or a Hospital, the body would be cleaned and prepared. These days some hospitals release the bodies just as they have died. This means that some are released with cannula's still attached, tubes still down the throat and into stomach and also catheters and bags still attached. Some hospitals argue that this is because a coroner may call for a Post Mortem to see how that person has died. This in fact is rubbish as the hospital would not release the body if there was any doubt that a coroner would be called in. We are not trained to remove all these items but still have to do it. I have to say now, that this, in some cases, is not a pleasant task. In fact today, me and my colleague had to leave the mortuary as our stomachs were turning and we have been through loads of nasty things. It seems that no one has the time these days to have some respect for the poor soul that has passed on. On a lighter note. The solo Marie came out again last night. I have to say that the best part of it was the trombones singing and this drew quite a bit of applause from the large audience. I had about 3 solos last night so i score myself 4 out of 10 and i am being generous. Taking a bit of getting use to the new mouthpiece as it is a little smaller than the one i have been using. Time and perseverance will tell if it is going to be ok?

Tired

Followed a lady driver to work today who's exhaust was hanging on by a bit of rust. It was scraping along the floor and she was doing at least 70. I tried to catch up and flag her down but she was too busy doing her makeup in the vanity mirror errmmm sorry I mean rear view mirror. The noise it must have been making inside her car must have been horrendous but she was oblivious to the fact. If it had detached from her car at that speed it could easily have killed someone. I had another listen today to a recording made at the Oak. I was very negative about a couple of the pieces I played in, but I am quite chuffed with the difficult bone passage in The Volga Boatman. This was all after a full show rehearsal so my lip was nacked. However I am still not playing to my full ability yet so not happy with things.

All that glitters

Had my car serviced today. they came to my workplace took the car, serviced it and brought it back so I am very impressed (not that they brought it back, but the smoothness of it all.)
Listening to the radio this morning it seems that an awful lot of people share my opinion regarding yesterdays blog. Today made it even more poignant when I visited an old man who could hardly scrape the money together for his wife's Funeral? He was extremely upset as he had been a worker all of his life. Now there is just him and the dog, now that is sad. My boss is on his third cold of the year so yet again I am ducking and diving to keep away from the germs he wants to share with me. Had a great afternoon at an antiques fayre yesterday (I kept moving as they were stocktaking) and purchased 5 gold desert spoons!!!! Only they are not Gold but Brass. So my brekie this morning was very decadent as I sat in my shreddies eating my muesli with a 22 carat brass spoon!

Raffles

Woke up this morning to hear that a well known reality celebrity had passed away in the night. It is strange how alot of people pass away at 4am ish. It is probably because at 4am you are supposed to be in your deepest sleep and your body is working on minimum power. That is why you are most likely to get burgled at this time, as the thief depends on you not waking up. Unfortunately for them I am usually awake at this time so they would get a big shock lol. As for the above celebrity, whilst I am sorry for her family I refuse to watch any more about it on the telly. I see dozens of people who have lost loved ones and are really struggling with money. these are educated people and they get no help. I really think the wrong message has been given out here on how to acheive fame and fortune and I do not consider this person to have been particularly good role model for the youth of today??

Green Fingers

Ah Saturdays, I love Saturdays. I turned down a gig for tonight. I am busy, but I was tempted until I saw the gig timings. Initially I just read the 2 x 45 minute spots which is not bad. Then I read on. The first was at 10.15pm and the second at midnight!!! I really do need my beauty sleep to maintain my youthful looks? (now why do I know that Roy the wallet will comment on this as well?) Into town today for lunch followed by a blitz on my garden. I love gardening as much as going to the dentist. It is an all out war when I get to do it. Saying that my neighbours spend hours in the garden and I still think mine looks tidier. I have started to grow some veg at work. I have never done this before. I planted the seeds on Thursday and was extremely disappointed the next day that the lettuce and beetroot had not yet grown??? crikey how long do I have to wait?

The only way is up

Ok, this does not make sense. 2 weeks ago I started a diet. I weighed in at 12 stone 4lbs. My basic diet has been Muesli, beans, Chicken, Fish, Pasta, Fruit, Potato and Ryvita. a week into the diet I weighed in at a staggering 12stone 8lbs!!!! So 2 weeks on I was confident I would be going the other way......... But no....13 stone dead (and I will be if this goes on much longer) Now I could understand it if I was weighing myself holding my mates wallet (you know who you are) but this is bloody ridiculous. I miss steaks, crisps, cheese etc and with my new diet I am farting for England. In fact I have had to invest in a lorry load of incense sticks for the house. The continental quilt has nearly shot out the window on a couple of occasions as well. I will stick it out and have another weight in next week, but if it goes up, it is back to a bucket of saturated fat a day...

Syberian Hamster

Managed to get to work 25 minutes early this morning???? you just can't tell with the traffic these days. Just a done a big Funeral with 350+ mourners attending. Very sad as the lady had fought a hard battle with the Big C.
I looked at a Musicians Forum yesterday. The amount of Trombonists suffering embouchure problems is astounding. One chap was so upset that he booked a few lessons with a professor in Madrid? it must have cost him a fortune? I am bothered, but not that bothered.

Rocket

One hour and twenty minutes to travel 10 miles. That's how long it took me this morning because of an accident closing a road. I hate being late. The Army made me that way. So I sat their fuming for most of the journey. My booster for my mouthpiece arrived today so will try that out tonight. It just gives a bit more weight to the top end apparently. I wont know until I get home. I am still sticking rigidly to my diet. Have I lost any weight.....nope. Just to look back on my daily diet consists of Muesli, Beans,Tuna,Chicken, Pasta and veg plug 8 pints of lager..I just can't understand it. Late home from work tonight so went into a local shop wearing my big black overcoat. On the way out there were these 2 pieces of scum walking don the road. i heard one say 'He looks like a Magistrate, shall we batter him' I looked, they didn't. In fact I wish they had have had a go so I could introduce them to a little friend of mine? I am getting very very despondent about how Britain is going and no one cares anymore. I do though and I would like to think that I would have a go if the situation arises.

Repeat after me.

When I made my first CD (It's just gone plastic) I said that I don't do Jazz. I still don't. Ok to a fashion I knock something up, but it is very basic. Seems that if I do it in the house then I can be very creative, but out and about, it becomes very wooden. However saying that, I have started to notice some senior musicians playing the same phrase on certain chords. this has gone on for years, and between me and another Trombone player we always look at each other and smile when we hear it. The audience though never seem to notice? I tried my new mouthpiece out last night, and apart from splitting one note in a lushy type solo it was just 'ok'. Time will tell if it is going to help my problem before I get to despondent? I sometimes wonder if people clap out of sympathy more than enjoyment when I do a solo, but that is typical of my way of thinking. A Band leader from another outfit took a solo last night and he too split and fluffed a couple, so no one is exempt from 'bad nights' or in my case 'months' lol.
I have a new TV and the remote is very sophisticated. On the screen it said to press the 'red button' to interact. I did and my TV kept switching of????

Acci-dent

Not a happy Teddy today. Firstly the road to work was manic this morning and cars must have been diverted through the Town. I ended up late, which I hate. (hey a poet) Also, when we were lifting a coffin off the wheels into the Hearse, the wheels ran into the side of my car ,causing damage to the side. All in all not a good day. All I need now is to have a crap night at Band to finish it off. Mind you I am breaking in a new mouthpiece so it ain't going to be easy to start with.

Up on the

A brilliant weekend and one to remember. Now back to the real world and feet not touched the floor this morning with fetching specially made coffins and trip to hospital for a body plus the ever increasing paperwork.
A couple of year ago, my local church was collecting for a new church roof of which I donated to. Strangely when I saw the vicar yesterday I asked him for a donation for my guttering as I need to get it replaced. he told me to go away. One rule for one eh!!!

Ukraine

Yesterday was a perfect day with so many good experiences. It started off with me sleeping more than 4 hours which is always a bonus. I then went into town and parked at the show venue. I walked into town with my 'bone' and headed towards a local music shop called Foulds. When I was 15 I applied for a job there, got it, but the wages were terrible so turned it down. talking to the Brass rep ,not much had changed. I had gone to try some new mouthpieces. I am not sure that the one I purchased is the right one, but only time will tell as I need to experiment a bit. Walking through town after this I was stopped by 3 foreign gentlemen? I thought they were scrounging for money and as I am next in line to the throne of Roy 'The Wallet' they had no chance. Turns out that they were musicians from the Russian Royal Ballet and wanted to have a chat. I was well impressed and delighted and touched to be able to shake hands with them. I then went for my favourite lunch at a Greek restaurant, walking back through town I realised that my old regiment the 9/12 Royal Lancers were in town. I had a chat with an ex RSM and a couple of others, then on to do the matinee. A quick rush home for tea and then back, sadly for the final performance. This was such a perfect day. one that I will remember for a long time. Oh how i wish they could all be like this but then again if they were, they would not be unique?

Moon

I can't believe that I have only 2 shows left to play in as the week has flown by. Have I enjoyed it...absolutely. A very gentle show and easy blow was just what I needed. The best night was Thursday, and I am not saying this with any animosity but we had a dep in and he was much more controlled than the guy he replaced. I wanted to wrap my bone around the head of the player as they insisted on blasting and then hitting the high notes as loud as they could. half the time the note was split, but he still looked for praise from his second player. Now if it was just me that thought this I would probably think I was wrong? But most of the string section wanted to rip the instrument out of his hand and shove it where the sun don't shine. No doubt the player will learn when he gets older, but somehow I doubt it.

Take Aim

So my smoke alarm that is on the wall outside my kitchen can quite happily go off if someone burns a piece of toast 3 streets away. It will even go off if I am ironing in the other room (once a year job that!) but oh no, as soon as my oven belches out black smoke caused by a piece of old pizza that has dropped down. it does nothing. First think i know is when the cockateil starts coughing and dons a gas mask? Down to Wilko's this weekend for a fire extinguisher and hammer to smash the bl**dy thing! to bits.

eye eye

I have this temper. It scares me sometimes ,but it is usually triggered by some unthoughtful git!! Today we had a very big Funeral A horse drawn hearse, a flower hearse and 3 Limo's. All nicely proceeding together over a roundabout when two cars cut in between. To be honest I was not lead car and I pride myself that no one has got past me yet. But as the driver was on loan it is understandable he let them pass. Actually I am glad that I was not lead car because i would have made sure they never did it again.
Half way through the show and i am thoroughly enjoying it. It's a bit of a rush coming in from work, training and getting a meal. but I have it off to a fine art now. I am being very good with my diet. I have taken my training up a notch and as yet the tablets have not shown any side affects (apart from a third eye that is growing on my right knee?) Lovely!

It's a Gas!

Sometimes people say to me that I was a professional musician in the army. I don't entirely agree as it was made clear at the start that we were soldiers first and musicians second. That meant there was continual training, be it On the ranges with Rifle and small arms or Combat Fitness training including Nuclear and biological protection. There was medic work to learn and take part in. Map reading, accounts, Running and fitness tests etc etc. Which did not make you a pro musician. It is therefore very sad that out in civvy street there are those trying to make it in the pro world. Some think they are good and with their character (and sometimes b**ls**t )convince others that they are!! I have met some pro musicians, and the ones that are good are very unassuming. they can play a high note as sweet and as softly as a low note and do not have to blow their heads off. The real pro's do not have to rely on embellished web sites and the like as they just get on and do the job. So it is sad when you see those who are trying to make it and have probably taken the wrong advice completely.
A special mention today for the bloke who cut in between the cortege and stayed their for the next 3 miles. What a muppet!!

Popping

I really should not have joked about the tablets in Fridays Blog as the doc said today that I need to start taking some for quite a while. Reading the side affects it puts you off straight away.....Nausea, Dizziness, Rashes, Diarrhoea Baldness, The inability to play Trombone (ok I joked about the last 2) Anyway if I do not Blog for a while it may be due to the fact that I spotted a rash went dizzy and pooed myself..can't wait. The Dress rehearsal last night went very well but I might take a book tonight to read between numbers. One of the players was very angry that yet again the Orchestra is hidden away. He is right when he says that the majority of the audience think it is recorded. Work is extremely quiet and the atmosphere is tense in the management department. Apart from one Funeral and making up some coffins all I have done today is dress a lady in a Funeral Gown. I go back to what I said about it being more dignified as the Man/Lady does not have to be naked to be dressed like this, and is moved only once from the stretcher to the coffin.

Hide and seek

I suppose I could have played in the Big Band last night as well as doing the show call, but you never know how long these things are going to take. As it was, the cast were superb and everything went smoothly with orchestra as well. We have a very big funeral to do this week, which will involve a flower hearse, Horse Drawn Hearse and 3 Limo's. From that you can tell it is someone very young or very well respected. The gentleman concerned died from a tragic accident, and he was just coming up to retirement. That is when I get angry with life. This man had worked all his life and paid into the system. in a few months time he could have seen the benefits of it all, and yet there are those out there bleeding the system dry and will probably live until they are 100. how fair is that???
I am training today and doing the show tonight. there is not a hint of the problems I went through a couple of weeks ago. I should have learned by now that it can come at any time and in any situation, it just lurks around the corner, waiting.....

Smashed

I have now started a nice gentle show called The Merry Widow (I have seen a few of those in my time) A very gentle blow and no drama. Many many years ago I got involved with a girl and a relationship that was doomed from the outset. Today,, I walked past her in the street. I almost did not recognise her so i think i have probably worn a little better than she has. It is strange, but at the time, you never think that your broken heart will mend.....but it does and time is the healer they all talk about. If I could have my time again it is certainly one relationship that I would not get involved with again. Talk about getting burnt...ouch it was painful. Ah well that is the great thing about life. We are given lessons every day, but some are more major than others.

Kermit

Out for a meal last night, and I was very good sticking to white meat and veg etc (bloody boring though). I am now completely changing my diet and am just going to eat beans and brussels (I will channel the wind into a better playing technique?) Into town to look at a new mouthpiece. I may go up a size to see if that helps any? but I am taking advice from an accomplished bone player before I do anything. I think that all the worse drivers were having a day out today. I nearly lost the front of my car pulling out of my road when a driver cut the corner, and the amount of people using mobiles while driving today was shocking. My one pleasure though is reporting them on a site called betterdrivingplease.com. As undertakers we are all doing our best to keep death off the roads and these Muppets are the cause of the majority of accidents. I start a show Sunday so I have a busy week ahead of me although we are very quite at work, you see with the recession no one can afford to die!!!

Plumbing

Part results of a blood test showed that my Cholesterol is high. 10 years ago it would have been considered normal, but now the level is supposed to be much lower. despite me exercising 3 times a week. Not having a frying pan in the house. never using butter and drinking Skimmed milk (or white water as my partner calls it) I still have these orrible HDL/LDL (ok one is good) floating round my arteries. I can hear them clogging up even as i type!!!! So it is back to Doc for some more advice. I have changed my diet anyway eating just beans and fibre which is a great laugh when I am in a confined space with my workmates ho ho. reminds me of the bloke who went to the docs, and he said i have bad news for you. You need to take one of these tablets for the rest of your life. But you have only given me 6 said the worried patient. yes said the Doctor and you should have started them 3 days ago. Actually there are those who's bodies produce this nasty chemical naturally, and I am afraid I am one of them.

Robin

Anxiety and Depression has no respect for age, looks, height, weight, sex or rich or poor. It can gradually creep up on you at any time. Watching the new Batman film last night, I was struck by how brilliant Heath Ledger was. You would think that he was a man just starting out on the journey of success. yet he was filled with self doubts and demons. It was an accidental overdose of an anti-anxiety drug and sleeping tablets that took his life. I wish more money could be poured into research on the subject so that a cure not a coping medication could be found, to rid the millions of people who suffer in the world.

Scar on the Soul

Well last night was probably the worse I have played in many a year. A piece came out called 'Marie' Now this is high at start and I had no problems with that, but half way through there is scope for a jazz solo. I asked my mate to kick me at the end of my solo as I was going to attempt to jazz it without the chords. I started using my plunger and realised immediately that I was in the sh*t. I could not get onto the listened for chord by any means. After about a half an hour (it felt like it) i realised my mate had not booted me and we had got to the end of the piece. I had overshot by about 30 bars nicking the Tenor Sax solo, of which he gleefully informed the whole audience by shouting across the front of the Band (very pro) After that the Vocalist announced I had played like a professional........professional plumber. Hysterics from the crowd. i laughed but obviously felt embarrassed. Now you ask, will this affect me.......nope cos what can't kill you can only make you stronger. mind you I exonerated myself in the next solo phew. A rough ride yes, but I know what the problem is an until it goes I will have to do the best I can. Of which I try to do anyway.

Dog Gone

Sad news as the Dog had to be put down this morning. In a very selfish way i will miss him as I can't have a dog myself (always wanted one) so to get to work and a great big black Labrador being there to greet you, made me look forward to getting there. Sad day.

Sick as a Dog

After an extremely relaxing weekend it was up with birds this morning to have a blood test at the doc's. Straight into work to find out that the works dog had some sort of stroke in the night. I went round to see it and it was a poor sight as it could hardly move, but still managed a wag. They are waiting for the vet to see it but as of this pm no news. Played at the Oak last night and got to hear a recording made a few weeks ago. All it did was confirm what i have known all along. i am just a mediocre player and all this practice really is doing not much good at all. Which in a way is a relief, because now i can drop off a bit and see what happens , maybe with a different approach. Saying that though I had a slightly better night last night. I am tired today as I was anticipating the alarm not going off (it's new) and of course it didn't which made for a restless night. Ah well onwards and upwards.