Homeless

I would like to make a job's worth award today.
If a person is Cremated then once the ashes have been cooled, they are placed in a Bio Degradable box and labeled with the persons name and Undertakers who will collect.
A new rule has come into force at a local Crematorium. You must give the name of the person who's ash's you are collecting. Fair enough...but.
I was sent to collect one box of ashes this afternoon. Taken into the sacred bowels of the Crematorium , I went to collect the said remains. however, I also noticed that we had another box of Ashe's to collect. So, whilst I was there I asked if I could sign for them as well.
You would have thought I had made some obscene suggestion concerning my Genitals and a sheep!!! No chance , replied the attendant you only gave one name? Yes I know, I replied, but look those are ours as well!!! It's got our name on it!!!
No, replied the attendant, I could not possibly give you those. All you can do is go back out to reception. Ring the bell again, and ask for the name of these ashes!!!!!!!!
Did I? Did I buggery. The worlds going mad.

The Muppet award today, I award to myself.
I left my house keys at work. I did not realise until I pulled into my street. But no problem, I thought, cos I have 3 neighbours with spare keys, and they are always in!!!!
An hour later I was still stood outside my house. All of them were blinking well out. My frozen chicken legs had thawed and my lettuce had wilted!!! and I wont mention the food I had bought!

Give a thought for the bloke, who this week, for a bet. Drank a Litre of Vodka in a few seconds.......Of course he is dead...but he did win the bet.

Load of bull.

The best road in Birmingham, is the one going out. Only I could not find the road going out, nor the Mortuary going in. Strange that they do not have a neon sign with flashing bulbs pointing to the place of permanent repose? It took me 40 mins to find it and a further 20 minutes to organise a fax to release the little mites mortal remains.
On the way back the Sat Nav threw a wobbler and packed in, so I ended up on the M6 and in the opposite direction to where I wanted. I did not have a pee for 5 hours, because I dare not stop in case someone pinched my car with the coffin inside??
To be honest though, I did enjoy the break from every day normality and I even forgot about my poor crusty lip which is as sore as buggery.

I had a mad moment last night and purchased a soundtrack from the USA. Only 3000 were recorded, so I am looking on it as an investment. The reason I wanted it was simple. On it is Moonlight Serenade, but instead of the lead being taken on Clarinet, it is played on Trombone!!!
I hope I can get back to playing this weekend as I am really missing it.

Gone to the Ball

Having poked a large metal hook under my tooth. The Dentist remarked 'Oh it's bleeding'. Well yes, because you stuck that pointy thing in it??? Looks like it may be an infected root after all and a) Might have to be root filled 2) Might have to be pulled out or D) Both...???

So there you go. I now have a 3 week wait until the next appointment, where they will remove the temporary filling from the tooth that is not infected and maybe drill the one that is. I ain't in pain much now so I can live with that. I also thought I might be able to play tonight as my mouth has not been numbed. But thanks to losing sleep and other things, I now have a juicy cold sore. Actually I am trying to handle this with humour, Whilst very un comfy in the gob department, I have had worse things.

I am now reading a book about the Tomb of Jesus (Marilyn Monroe to Religion??? what next.) and all the scientific tests that have been done. Tell you what. Even after a wobbly life, I still have great faith. I mean, I go to church every day (sometimes more than once) I say the Lords Prayer every day. I even throw in 3 Hail Mary's and 10 push ups just to be on the safe side. So if I get to the end of this book and it contradicts the whole of the World's history...then ......... well....... I still wont believe it.

On a sad note. The Big Band world has lost another member to the Great Orchestra in the Sky.
A well known local female vocalist passed away this weekend. She was a fine fine singer and will be sadly missed. She had sang with the majority of Big Bands in the Midlands, including ours and has bought pleasure to many many people. Bless her.

In and Out

'Trombone player required must be good sight reader. Position available immediately'


This was an advert I read yesterday in 'The Stage' newspaper.

I have applied, but think I might be a tad to late, as it is dated 1947 and I picked it up at an antiques fair??


I realise now, that the filling they have put in is only temporary and contained some form of antiseptic that numbs the gum. It has worked as the pain has gone from 'Screaming' to 'Tickling'

So Tomorrow, they will drill it out and then drill the one that is causing probs so I have had to cancel my Tuesday night blow as well!


I have really missed playing this weekend, but have caught up on some reading. Having got to the end of the Marylin Monroe book, I have no doubt that the poor girl was murdered and the whole thing was covered up by the FBI and Presidential Security. I am sure that if her body were to be exhumed, the truth would be found out, using modern day forensics.



Many years ago I started a guest vocal evening night, with the Band. Thankfully this has come to a natural end. Although it gave people a chance to fulfill an ambition to sing with a 17 piece Band, it was bloody stressful to front and organise, especially when the singers realised that it was harder than singing in the Bath and lost their words etc. Mind you it did get 'bums' on seats and no other Band had the courage to do it, so we pushed the boundaries there.

I may have to go all the way to Birmingham to do a removal this week. I will probably use my own car which gives you some sort of clue?

Bird's eye.

Clutching a bag of frozen peas held firmly to my jaw, I settled down to watch a DVD called 'Swing' last night. It was about a guy who had just come out of prison and wanted to start a swing Band. It was off putting that they had Alexis Sayle as a Trumpet player, but to be fair, he did not make to bad a job of it. You can quite clearly hear a Trombone in the soundtrack, but none to be seen on the screen. The other off putting thing, was it had Dutch subtitles which took me half the film to figure out how to switch them off? Not a bad film though and with Lisa Stansfield on vocals it was like a watered down version of the Blues Brothers.
Managed to get some kip last night but I still feel extremely anxious inside. I am trying to distract my thoughts as I don't want to go backwards into that awful awful void. Well on the positive side. at least my peas have defrosted for today's dinner??
The photo above is of the Regimental Big Band and was probably one of the last photo's taken before I left for civvy street

Ice Cream

After numerous x rays of my cake hole only a small shadow was found. So the Dentist said he would remove my old filling and put another in. Being injected took away the pain, but it wasn't until it wore off that I realised it was the wrong tooth he had drilled. By 8pm I was crawling the walls with pain. The only thing that would take the pain away for a minute was strangely cold water? Hot drinks made me hit the roof. I can take the pain, but I can't take losing the sleep as it was sending me back to the old grim days when I was really bad. To be honest, when I am awake I think too deeply and made myself anxious because I don't want lose my ability to play. It would seem that I have inflammation of the root that is in one of the teeth and I have to go back Tuesday for more drilling or maybe extraction so it has panicked me somewhat, to say the least..I mean they don't even know what tooth is causing the probs??? I am angry with myself that I have had to drop out of this weekends playing but it would be silly to try and blow at this time and it would be a double whammy as I would be more angry with myself for fluffing notes etc. I did manage to get out today and have figured that if I drink coffee through a straw then it bypasses the bad side of my mouth. I got some strange looks but I did not care and would have leaped over a table if someone had commented and had a go (yes bear, sore, head). Another of life's challenges me thinks, but had my fill (no pun intended) now.

Red hot poker

I make no apologies that this is a miserable post cos that's how i feel at this time. At 2am this morning I woke with excruciating toothache and that was it for the rest of the night. I have never known pain like it and not sleeping made the day even greyer and cold that it was. I rang for an emergency appointment, of which I about to go on. They suggested to take the pain away to take pain killers. I took one and of course if you have a dodgy tum, then this affects it as well. As you can tell I am not an happy teddy at this time. IF they don't sort the problem out then I am in for one hell of a painful weekend.
Flipping fed up.

And a partridge in a Pear tree!!

Whilst serving in the Army I worked under 5 Bandmasters. Two were trouble and got moved on, But the other 3 were sound.
It is unfortunate therefore, that the Bandmaster shown above leading the 9th/12th Royal Lancers Band in a march through a street in Germany, lost his life at an early age. He was the last bandmaster I served under and was a really nice bloke as well as a great boss. Very sad.

No two days are the same in the Funeral business. today we went on a Travellers Funeral. On it were 4 Limos a hearse, a Horse drawn carriage with 4 white horses, a piper and the release of 14 white doves. What a send off??

I am wishing the days away until the Dentist now, and it is that bad I don't really care if they rip all my teeth out. I will have to learn to play again if needs be!!!! but such is life.

Bad day at Hanging Rock

Big mistake last night/I cooked my partner tea before I went to Band. I did not read what was in the ingredients and after the first mouth full, realised it was peppers and chilli!!! I new that I would suffer the next day and boy did I. Not only that. Although I said I did not want to do a solo last night, the second number contained one. Might have survived it if the tempo was right, but oh no it had to be quicker than marked. So a few wobbles on that one, which made me angry of course. Today I had to play a CD at a Funeral and tested it in the office. It was 'Danny Boy' and it played perfectly. Of course when I stated it in the Church, it started jumping all over the place. I ain't having a good time here as you can probably guess? I am not going to even mention my tooth, but roll on Wednesday.
Above is a photo taken in Saffron Walden Essex. It is the Army trad Band and was called 'B' Natural. Clever eh??

Always remember that items in your fridge are clever than you.
They know if the light goes off or not when you close the door!!!

Bum Note

I have a new gadget and it's great fun. I now have a scanner which is very like a small photocopy machine. It's to small to photocopy my bum and to large for anything else. However, I can now bore you with photos from the past.
The one above was taken in Germany when I was a mere Corporal. It was National Hug an Hairy day!!!
As you can see, my fan club had an average age of 102 and the young girl was bought in especially, just to get the average down!!

Been extremely busy today with Funeral and removals and a particularly heavy carry today. I would love to see an x ray of my spine when the coffin is on my shoulder. As the blokes at the foot end said 'I could hardly pick my feet up as it was so heavy'?

I am extremely angry with myself for volunteering to do lead bone tonight. The guy who normally does it had forgotten to book a dep. I vowed I would never do it again. My reasoning is this. For years, I have lived outside my comfort zone playing at that level and was never really satisfied with what I gave out. The new guy is a phenomenal jazz player and does not seem to have an ounce of 'nerves' in his body. If the people are paying good money then the standard should be consistent.
As my partner says, 'Your too bl**dy soft' (I think she meant about volunteering not anything else...however I am worried now...I think I will ask just in case)

Candle

My mate Sid has been a victim of ID theft.
They just call him 'S' now.

I am tired today after a long weekend of blowing and self inflicted, later than need be , nights. I should have gone straight to bed after Saturdays gig, but oh no, I felt awake and raring to go! Now I am paying for it.

Nice send off for our Alto player last night who is moving on to pastures new (he has a gig playing in a field!)

Half way through the Marilyn Monroe book and it's sad that I know what happens at the end and you wish you could stop it. It's like a slow drive to an edge of a Cliff and if only you could put the brakes on ,then everything would be ok. What a waste of life.

First job this morning was to shave a Gentleman. I had enough probs shaving myself this morning and had to rush , as I had hit the snooze button too many times.

Oh Happy Monday!

If you click the title you can listen and look at some photo's I am not proud of the playing or the Pictures but really chuffed that I have learned a new skill on the PC.

Twins

It's 2.45am on a Sunday morning and I am not tired??? I was before I went on the gig, but now I am wide awake.
It was a good night, although the dance floor was the size of a postage stamp it was full all night.
My theory about people living in a bubble has been yet again strengthened. It was amusing to see a chap go up to our vocalist and congratulate her on her Trumpet playing (yes we have a female Trumpet player but they look totally different?).
Also humour fell on some deaf ears tonight when our m/c made a reference to the Skoda Owners club (This gig was for the Bentley owners Club). A chap came up and asked me if I would point out to the M/C that they owned Bentley's not Skoda's!!!! Flipping heck, please get a life.
They also provided sandwiches and chips and being a posh hotel they cut the crusts off the sarnies.
Now I don't usually eat after 8pm cos I know the consequences the next day. But sarnies like the Queen eats ,I could not resist. Actually they were bloody tasty but where did the crusts go??? Is there a special home for posh peoples crusts do you think??

I am working on some new choreography for the Trombones and have enclosed a video of what I need them to do (click on title).

It's now 3am and I am still not tired. I know I have Marilyn Monroe waiting for me upstairs but I am still wide awake. I will pay later me thinks.

Chitty Chitty

My neighbour is still banging away in the garage (lucky bloke) and is driving me around the bend, but as he is a good mate it's not worth falling out about. Trouble is, he will be nicely tucked up in bed at 10pm whilst I will still be on the road? Still it's not forever, just feels like it.
It must be National 'Use the Toilet day' today as there were massive queues in the City to use them? Good job it wasn't one of those days.
I have found a great on line 1940's radio station. Just click on the title to listen in. It takes a few seconds for the radio to load so have patience.
Very pleased that I had a letter published in a well known Computer Magazine this week. Maybe I should start that book??
I have a new philosophy on life. I am only going to dread one day at a time?

Winkle

I am tired today. I must have woke up a 100 times in the night and had loads of weird dreams in between ,one of which I was water skiing with Dom Jolley??? The other one I remember was, that I went out into the street to buy an Ice Cream. Leaning out of the van was the Pope??? Strange!!! I am sure that the sign on the back of the van should have read 'Mind that Child' not 'I wouldn't mind'???
It has not helped that my neighbour seems to be building a full size model of the Mary Rose in his Garage, which unfortunately backs onto my house. I am a bit partial to an after tea snooze, but for the last 4 nights that has gone out of the window. Mind you, his banging is in complete sync with the throbbing of my tooth.

The highlight of my day has been washing and shampooing a deceased's hair, followed by trimming his beard. Again, I take great pride in my work, but can't see the logic in this ,when the poor old chap is being cremated???
I have also continued my Xmas shopping which is extremely sad, but god am I organised.
George Michael has been found in prison with a chocolate bar in his derriere. Apparently it was a Careless Wispa!!! Ok an old one, but flipping topical what!

Hare

If you had an Hospital appointment for 9am, would you turn up for it at 3pm???

No and most good mannered people wouldn't either.

So many hospital appointments are lost because of bad mannered people.

A typical example of this happened this week.

We have 3 Chapels where you can view your loved ones and viewing is run on an appointment system.

This is to ensure that you do not bump into other families also viewing and gives you the solitude you deserve.

A particularly fussy family made an appointment to view and never turned up until 4 hours!!!! after the time they had booked.

It was good therefore that we were actually out on a Funeral and they had to go home and make another appointment. If anything it will make them realise that it is extremely rude not to come when they said.

My tooth has decided to remind me it's still demanding attention today. Only 12 days to go before I can get it seen to.

A great video to watch today (Thanks Dave)

Have you ever wanted to get involved when a naughty kid starts messing around.

Watch this it's justice at it's best. (click on title)

97 days to Xmas

The Summers over..it's time to turn on the fire..la la la (sung to the tune the party's over)

Yes folks the temperature has dropped half a degree and my work mates are all going down with colds, so winter must be coming. Time to dig out the black jumper and long johns for work. Which incidentally, if I am ever knocked down by a car whilst wearing them ,would die anyway, of embarrassment.

I hate the winter as my mood goes down with the sun. I think some people call it SAD, but I call it a pain in the la de da.

Hard blow last night. I would like to thank a fellow musician for informing me, that putting off having my tooth done ,could lead to heart problems. Cheered me up no end that.

I said that things at work were grim with lack of work. Well that changed drastically in the last few days and we can't move in the mortuary now. It's strange the pattern of life and death it would seem.

Half way through the book about Marilyn Monroe. The dress she wore to sing Happy Birthday to President Kennedy cost £12,000!! It had to be sewn around her body and she could hardly walk in it. It also left nothing to the imagination so they had to sew five lairs of cloth to hide her 2 sticky out bits and her lady allotment (I bet they would have gone for a fortune on e bay if it existed in those days???

And finally. Are Conductors really necessary in Orchestra's .Well this Trombone player did not think so (click the title) p.s it is not real as us bone players are kind hearted souls?

N.B Get well soon to a loyal blog reader who is in hospital again.

De Composing

Had a good chat with a grave digger today whilst waiting in the pouring rain to bury some ashes.

He was telling me about a time he was told to dig a grave in an old Cemetery and was assured by the Council there were no coffins where he was digging.

As he got down to about 5 feet his shovel made an awful clunk and their, staring back at him,was a Brass Coffin plate. The unusual thing about this was, that the coffin had been buried in 1897 and was still intact and as solid as the day it was buried??

Some Coffins (depending on the ground) last no longer than a year before starting to deteriorate?

Old Glenn Miller did not have that problems if he did go down in the Channel?

So mentioning old GM I though I would set a link to an interview with him. Obviously in B & W, but what a distinguished voice he had. (click on title)

I would like to believe the rumour that his plane went down in the Chilterns and into boggy land. Or more favourably, taking after my name, dropped down dead in a Brothel , which would have changed his famous song to 'In the Nude'

Punjab

Had a good blow last night. Using a combination of Salt water, Oil of cloves and half a pint of Stella the aching tooth was not as bothersome.

We went through some new arrangements and one of them was ‘This could be the start of something big’ (I say that to my partner most nights!)

When it started I suddenly found I was completely on my own. Some of the notes seemed to be missing and it is only when I got home, realised that it was a duet with the second bone who had lost his part. Also in Song of India most sections lost their way and I had to wing and a prayer it to come back in again. I love these stress free nights.

Watched 2 great films this weekend. One I have seen so many many times and is the best British Film ever.

Four Weddings and a Funeral still does it for me. I can never understand why though, that when Gareth collapses at the Scottish wedding the Doctor does not start CPR??? Suppose it would have changed the film entirely if he had lived?

The other film was called ‘The Bucket List’ a brilliant film starring Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson.

Ok it is not a laugh a minute but concentrates on 2 guys who are dying of a terminal illness.

The ‘Bucket’ reference is associated with kicking the bucket and the list is of things they have never done,but want to do before they die.

Worth a watch, believe me.

One of the memorable lines in the film ‘Stars are small holes in the floor of heaven’

Talking of films and one I mentioned yesterday.

The Marilyn Monroe film ‘Something’s got to give’

I tracked some outtakes down. Although Marilyn covers well, the eyes are the windows to her soul and the sadness is visible. (click on the title).

Happy Birthday

I am now sharing my bed with Marilyn Monroe (no I have not dug her up!).
A fascinating book about her life, is my bedtime reading at the moment.

If I am right, then Cleopatra was the start of her spiraling downfall, ending in death.
She was actually a very clever lady. However 'Fox's studio were making a film with Elizabeth Taylor, at the same time a film was being made called 'Somethings got to give' (very poignant) for Marilyn.
The Cleopatra film was way over budget and no thanks to Liz's impossible demands.
Marlyn had become really poorly with sinus problems and missed days and days of filming on her set.
Money was being syphoned from all films to subsidise 'Cleo' The doctors were called in and started to give Monroe uppers so that she could turn up at the studio and complete the doomed film. Tragically she also needed 'downers' to help her sleep. It is ironic that 'Fox' studio actually dismissed her for bad time keeping and no shows shortly after.
It was the start of a roller coaster ride to despair and very similar to Michael Jackson.
She was only 36 when she died. She was interred in a Bronze Casket inside a Crypt and Judy Garlands 'Over the Rainbow' was played at her Funeral.

Back to the bloopers. I can't stress enough how dangerous playing a brass instrument is. I mean, take this guy.
He holds a note on so long that he faints.
A pro to the end though, he collapses on the beat!!!! (click on the title)

Ground Zero

I have gone back to eating, as I did when I was about 4 months old (ok I can't remember that far back but I am hazarding a guess here) Soft food only so that I don't crunch down on my now 'humming' tooth.
So out for a meal last night I stuck to Pate (lovely girl) and salad. All washed down with a left sided swig of cold lager.
It was a little disconcerting when the waitress brought the starter.
I said, excuse me but you have got your thumb on my Pate.
She replied 'What do you want it to fall on the floor again'???
Wont be going there again.

Lest we forget. It is the anniversary of 9/11 today and still I can't watch those harrowing scenes without suffering shock and disbelief.
It is great credit to the Forensic Scientists who managed to identify so many people just from a fragment of bone. At least the family had something to have a Funeral Service for.

The smallest funeral I have ever been on was a actually a second Funeral for the same person.
It was found out that after the Funeral had taken place, that their were still some slides with skin traces on. A full Funeral was held for the small box that contained them. I can never forget walking down the aisle of the Crematorium holding these last remains.

A fellow musician has sent me a great blooper featuring one of the family (lol) Old Dean Martin. On this occasion he does not make the mistake. the show is going out live on TV though and watch the way this pro handles the Gaff. (click on the title)

Just discovered clove oil and am now covering my aching tooth with that. I would get an emergency appointment, but the way things are at work, i dare not ask for time off. So only 17 days to go before I get it looked at.

Scars on the soul

Something has been said this week, that has confirmed, what I have always thought.

I figure there are 3 types of musicians.

The first is probably the pro that is full of confidence and nothing fazes them

The second is the sensitive musician who tries hard to be like Number 1 and yet when makes a mistake, hurts terribly

The third is the one who never practices and just turns up for a beer and a blow and doesn’t really care cos they have never experienced lead playing and life is stress free..

No problems with any of them and everyone to their own me thinks.

I want to concentrate on the second one though.

If this guy/gal makes a mistake then they first feel embarrassed because they have (in their mind) let their fellow musician down and secondly compared themselves to the audience, as an underdog to Number one musician.

I have been talking to a musician who has recently taken a back seat from playing because audience members have told him how he/she should play their instruments.

Now if they are experts (remember the quiz question who was the trombone player who was known as the Sentimental gentleman and most put Mr Miller) then I have no problem with feedback. However a vocalist who has taken a week off and been covered by a dep, does not want to hear how much they enjoyed the other singer. Nor an instrumentalist how much they enjoyed their covering player. I know they mean well, but number 2 musician tries hard, but does get hurt easily.

Audience members take great delight on telling them that.

1. They were not loud enough
2. It, was ok .but….

Etc etc

Musicians all over the world put themselves forward for criticism every day. They are only trying to entertain, but sometimes get hurt so badly depending how passionate they are.

I would say that 99% of audiences enjoy the music, mistakes and all. But it’s the 1% that have to comment, that cause all the damage.

It’s time for the trombone blooper today.

Revel’s Bolero is notoriously hard for the Trombone soloist as, if I am told correctly, starts on a top ‘D’ (yes the 1% you will know what this is…..not)

So please feel sorry for this guy, who starts badly, but recovers. However he will never remember the recovered part. Only the fluffs)

Nov 5th

An Irish gentleman rang the office today to say his mother had died. he then burst into tears and said his sister had just rang him and her mother had died too???

Down to a 4.5 on the tooth Richter scale thanks to an old remedy of gargling salt water. Mind you I did not know you were not supposed to swallow it.

We had to remove a defibrillator today and it is always a game of Russian Roulette, as if it hasn't been deactivated, it can kill you. Luckily this one had. Well it would be otherwise I would not be typing this now would I???

I am trying to work around every section on the musical bloopers theme. Today we concentrate on the percussionist. This has even happened to me in a show and is very embarrassing and frustrating?

Have decided I am also going to change my Dentista and Doctors to somewhere a little closer to my home. It's always hard asking for time off from work for a check up etc so this should help...and maybe the new dentist will know what a Trombone is???

Weight a pie.

I went to a real greasy spoon cafe today for lunch.
I ordered a Hot Chocolate.
The waiter bought me a Mars bar and a match?

I have decided that I need to get something done about the damned tooth if the pain level reaches 7.
It got to 5.5 today so getting close now. I don't suppose it helped with a coffin banging against my cheek on a shoulder carry yesterday.

During my many, many years on this planet, my mind has been a hive of activity. I must admit my best ideas come when I have had a pint or two and it’s then that I am at my most creative.

Many years ago, I came up for an idea to reduce road rage. This consisted of a simple neon sign in the rear window where appropriate messages were flashed up by a remote control in the front of the car. You could display ‘Sorry’ if you had cut someone up. ‘Thank You’ if someone let you out of a junction. Or ‘ Sod off you inconsiderate git’ if someone had upset you. I submitted the idea to an inventions guru but heard nothing back. A few years later the gadget was available on line. (They had substituted the last message with ‘Please back off’!!!

Coincidence?????

I then was fascinated with sliding doors that opened when you approached them. I had the thought that the sensors could be used in a car bumper to sound a beeper if you were to close to an object. I submitted the idea to Toyota. Who in return sent a letter saying they had their own ‘in house team’ that worked in development. Lo and behold a year and half later the sensor was fitted to cars.

I will never know if I had any input in these ideas, but take great satisfaction that at least my mind was creative, albeit after 3 pints of Stella.

I worried about one split note on Sunday so it prompted me to search for some musical bloopers in front of an audience. One was Frank Sinatra forgetting his words live on stage. Unfortunately I only have this on DVD. I also remember Roger Whitaker forgetting the words in a live Concert and cringing when the piccolo trumpet player with the James Last Orchestra, completely botched the solo in the Beatles ‘Penny Lane’

But lets concentrate on a vocalist completely forgetting her words. The Band have to keep vamping until her brain cells kicked in.

You may smile, but at the end of the day it’s a bloody hard job, and musicians hurt for ages when they screw up.

It’s easy to sit and listen. It’s bloody hard to stand and play and with every solo put yourself up for criticism. But that is the ‘buzz’ of being a musician I suppose.

CoCo

Isn't it odd that if we talk to God we are said to be praying. Yet if God talks to us we are schizophrenic??

The old tooth gremlin has been battering away at my tooth with a pneumatic drill today. What is more painful £290 or the ache?

If I was on Desert Island Discs I would be hard pushed to take along one favourite piece of music as I have hundreds.
However I heard Frank Sinatra singing one of them and you can to by clicking on the title above. Enjoy.

Shame we can't get this for the Band,my I might even have a crack at it myself.

3 Funerals today and none for the rest of the week. Grim.

I am wondering if I am going to be one of the 6 million people who get a letter saying I owe Tax.
Well if I do I am off to prison. 3 square meals a day and a portable tv in your cell. I ain't subsidising the lazy any more.

If I were a rich man.

Having fronted Bands for many years I will be the first to admit it is a stressful job. I have given bollockings and lost my temper on numerous occasions. Not through spite but because you know what the Band is capable of and you are trying to get the best out of them. Doesn't make you many friends though.Trouble is, if you are going to get angry then you have to make sure you don’t cock up yourself or the Band would be on you as quick as a certain footballer player on top of a lady of ill repute.

However nothing can compare to Buddy Rich chastising his Band during an interval in the Gig and on the way home. He takes them on the Band bus and lays into them. Be warned the language is blue, but wow did he let go. (Click on title)

Although I played well Saturday, even hitting all the notes in the right order, in Under My Skin. Last night I fluffed a note in a solo. I must have played thousands of notes last night, but this is the only one I remember, weird isn't it?

My work mate bought me some paste that you can put on your tooth that deadens the pain. All I need is 16 more gallons of the stuff to get me through to the end of October and my nest appointment.

Dracula

Lazy day yesterday waiting to drive to Yorkshire.
I wont exaggerate when I say the Band were superb last night. It looked great and sounded brilliant. In fact it was so professional you would be hard pushed to find a 'pro' Band on the circuit that it would not compare to. I was having a great blow, until the second half.
You should always listen to instinct. Common sense told me that I had eaten breakfast, Dinner and tea and did not need the hefty portion of pie and pea's (a disastrous combination for my guts anyway) that were offered to the Band. My uniform jacket is at bursting point anyway (it has shrunk with the damp in my porch!!) and you can hear the buttons groaning at the pressure to hold it all together.
However greed took over. Now how did I pay for this??
Well there just happened to be one bit of small bone in the steak that just happened to hover itself directly over the bad tooth. As I bit down it felt like someone had shoved a red hot poker down the inside. Woke me up though.
The other sad thing, is,. I realised that I was only about an hour away from my favourite place 'Staithes' and the urge to drive their after the gig was enormous.
However if I had gone and started to wandering around the bay in full USA uniform I may never have been allowed in again.
Another photo form the old days. This was Madrid. A great tour. On the first night though a few of us went on the razz and by 1am had completely forgot where the hotel was that we were staying in. I had the great idea of getting the British Consul out of bed to drunkenly ask him where we were. Luckily a more sober member of the Band passed by and led us to safety.

Mozart

What do you give the man that has everything???
Antibiotics.

Did you know that if you travelled to the USA, that you can go on an 'Assassination' tour??
Nice.
In fact, if you remember where one of the Kennedy's was shot from, the Book Depository (or was it suppository) you can go inside and study the artifacts. However, you are not allowed to take a photo from the window from which the gun was pointed. However, you can from the window next to it??? Only in America eh!!


I am now catching up with some members of the 9th/12th Royal Lancers Band. Some fascinating photo's coming out that is taking me back to some good times.

One of my proudest moments (although bloody hard work with 2 shows a day) was at the last meeting of the Cavalry Bands at the Royal Tournament.
One of the displays you can watch in full by clicking the title above.
You will easily spot me as I am the only one in step? (or look at 3 min 40 seconds I am the one in the helmet with red plume at the front)

My toothache is now at a level 5 after I have finished the course of tablets so it looks like a root problem after all. I am sticking it out though before they rip them from my head. I mean you don't know how deep they go or hat they are attached to. I could be singing falsetto if they make one wrong move?

Post Script

An extra Post which is actually 1 am Saturday morning.

In all the years that the world has been created, we have learned absolutely nothing. Wars never and never will solve the problem.
Millions have died. And for what?

One of the may pieces of music that have touched me (and believe me their are many) is taken from the film Atonement'

If this scene does not touch you..then you are already dead. (Just click the title)

P.S for a fraction of a second (at the end) you can see Paul Harper an E.N.S.A entertainer who, as a Band, we have worked with on many occasions.

Music at it's best.

Back on the real Saturday with a video of the Royal Tournament.

Passports Please

So Professor Stephen Hawkins has said that their is no God and the world was created by the Big Bang (I had one of those once!!!)?

Well that's it then. Might as well pack it all in now. I suppose that when he goes ,he will still want burying with his wheelchair and just my luck I will have to carry!

Listen Mr Hawkins. It might be tad complicated this life, but all of this can't be for nothing. Ok it might be a bit crowded up their ,what with all the folk who have passed on. Also it might be a little hard to find your lost long relatives as infinity is pretty big you know. I suppose they will be all standing their with your name held aloft as they do at airports (wonder if you have to check in?? 'Any Luggage Sir? ' No just this shroud old chap')But everything has to be for something?

I was brought up in the Church of England but my Grandparents were strict Catholics. I always used to get Holy water chucked in my face when I went to visit. It's unfortunate that they always did it as I got to the top of their stairs, causing me on more than one occasions to go down quicker than when I went up?

The Catholic Funeral services we attend go on for ages and we call it Full bed and Breakfast when they take Communion. Another 10 minutes can be added at the Grave side. I wonder if they get special dispensation up there then??? Mind you as i go to Church almost every day, i should be in with some sort of chance of at least a one up one down???

A knock on the door tonight as I was training. I had to get of my exercise bike (remove my bike clips and helmet.. I take safety very seriously) to answer the door.
A bloke stood their and asked if he could clean my carpets.
That's all I need, I thought.
a Ja Hoovers witness.

Head over Heels

Driving my partners mum to the hospital last night, I had a sudden attack of the Ghandi's revenge. I can put this down to the Penicillin or something that I picked up in the mortuary?? I am very careful with my hygiene, but the slightest thing can get into my system. Yesterdays 'dressing' of a body was not particularly pleasant and as safely as we could dress ,there are still odours and splashes. Nice! It would seem, that in some hospitals, when you pass away' that's it. No first offices duties ,of cleaning the body. Just into the fridge and call the Undertakers. Yet again modern living allows no time for dignity and after care? It really is disgusting.

Off ooop North this weekend to do a gig. It would seem though, that half the band will be made up of 'deps'. Although we have no rights, on what we call the Band. It is a shame when the idea's are pinched. But then again, imitation is the finest form of flattery. But you can't beat the real thing.

Thank goodness that I have been outbid on the 'Fox's head. Out of devilment I was going to bid again, but if I won it, it would be a case of hide and seek around the house, in case my partner found it. However it would have been funny, to wrap it, and give it her on Xmas day. How to win friends and influence people, not.

Talking of Fox's. I fed them again last night. Their is no love lost on the Family members fighting for the food. Oldest and strongest first and if there is anything left (often not) then the next in pecking order dines.

Modesty Blazer

Cricket News Just in......Somerset have beaten Pakistan by 5 wickets next Thursday.

You will never change my opinion on dressing bodies in clothes. I find it thoroughly undignified (especially for the Females) and the only exceptions should be for those that have asked for it or burials.
I mean, if eternity exists and you only have one set of clothes then it is hoped they are hard wearing.
I am sure they will have their own outlets up there. Like. Heavens (for the larger Female) Harps and Spencers (for those with asbestos wallets) and 'Gone for a Burton's'!!!!. People will probably say 'Well it is the Families choice' Well yes it is, but surely you need to be in receipt of all the information before you make that choice. Did the prim Aunty Doris (any resemblance to anyone living or dead is a bloody coincidence believe me) really want two hairy blokes (not me of course) staring at her lady allotment ,whilst we try and slip her pants on over wet and cold legs???? Sorry but I just don't get it. Bodies are cold, wet and if they have had postmortems, then bloody. the hospital leave cannula's in and liquids sometimes come out of most orifice's. I remember once , that even though we had been extremely careful, we accidentally got a spot of blood on a white shirt. The family were not best pleased even though the deceased had been through the mill of a terrible illness and a post mortem. Pleaseeeeee think about it first.

Outside the yard today I found a sandwich. I thought 'I will have that ,as it looks alright' As I bent to pick it up, I noticed a wire coming from it???
It looked suspicious so I rang the Police. They asked me 'Is it Ticking'
'No' I replied 'I think it's Beef'