None

Took the bike out for an hour today. Wearing a white Tee Shirt I was covered in black bugs and I looked like a human Dalmatian? Tonight I saw my friend who has a very very serious health problem. There was nothing I could say to take away his pain and I felt so frustrated that I could not help him. I should have given him a hug, but it is a bloke thing and we patted backs instead. As human beings we really do not show enough emotion to each other. It was ironic that in the second set of the Concert I had a solo called Too Little Time. Knowing how my friend was so worried about the outcome of the illness I asked the Band leader to pull it, and to his credit he did. For one it was an inappropriate title for that night and also I would have emotionally struggled to play it. Anyone who is not scared of dying has never lived and yet we all shy away from talking about our mortality. I wanted to tell him that it would be ok, but my words would have been shallow and meaningless. All I could do was tell him I would be there for him and even that was not enough. This was a bad day.

Ode man river

Having a break before a break at this time. Although only slept for a few hours last night I had a cunning plan to fill today. I got the old Mountain Bike out and pedaled into town. I tried to use the old river path I had used many years ago. Only they have built the A50 over it? It took me 20 minutes to get a mile from my house as I tried to find a route to the river. Set myself some tasks of buying clothes and having dinner and achieved both which at this time is a major achievement believe me. I had a couple of solos last night which went ok. I have to say that the sax section sounded brilliant in Fantasy for Sax's. In fact everyone who played and did solos had a great night. Strange thing is, on the way home I had some words pop into my head. Almost like a poem , so as soon as I got home I wrote it down. I published it on a couple of sites I write for and it seems to have been accepted very well. Maybe going so deep I am getting in touch with my literary side?? Anyway although I am no Longfellow or Keats I am quite proud of it.

Cod almighty

Out to Matlock last night to play for a wedding. I drove myself and tried to unwind looking at the marvelous countryside. I felt sorry for Dave as weddings are never easy to front as no one really wants to dance. The buffet was unusual as it was a Fish and Chip supper. It was the first hot meal I had had all day and I was a bit wary that I would be dashing off stage half way through. The old Imodium worked a treat though. I now need to really fight to get my head together and went for a short bike ride today. I was hoping to go with my partner to the County Show but there was a change of plan, and anyway paying nine quid to look at a couple of manky old cows, hmmm, maybe not the best mental stimulus!
I was surprised with the lack of practice I had ,that I managed to nail the Under my Skin solo? maybe I can cut back a bit on the old practice??? I wish I could write what I was really going through at this time, but I dare not, as even I do not understand it. All I know is I do not want to get as bad as my Mum. My Dad told me yesterday that he used to get up in the night and take her for a walk as she could not sleep or relax. I know, as I heard most of the things through the bedroom walls. Although I scorned her when I was young and aged 10 I was packing my bags to leave home, I now know what she was going through. All I can do is learn from it and try and take it on from a different angle?

Whoosh

The second Funeral we did yesterday was a bit more frantic, but on my part. Although I am off my food at this time, I managed to eat some chicken before I went out. Driving the Hearse I suddenly felt the familiar 'bubbling' in the old guts. Yep it was the old IBS saying hello and in a big way. I now had a 40 minute drive ahead of me whilst clenching my buttock cheeks together. I have never driven so fast in the Hearse to try and get to the crem bog? Reading about how many anxiety reducing meds Michael Jackson was taking, i can't believe his Doctor would let him take such a cocktail. I feel so sorry for the poor bloke as he must have been living a nightmare and he was terrified about his 'come back' When is the medical system going to come up with a better cure for these horrible feelings that doesn't involve taking chemicals?

Bad

Did a Funeral today of a young chap. His mates rode in front of the Hearse on Scooters (motorised not the kick along ones). Some Muppet shouted 'Hey it's Michael Jackson' absolutely no respect and if we could have stopped ,we would have taught him some manners. At 4am this morning I awoke and lay there listening to the radio until I had to get up. I could not believe MJ had died. Whilst not a huge fan, he contributed so much to the music world. I reckon the stress of having to perform again, got to him. Sad day.

Nine

I should be feeling better by rights but at present having an heck of a time. I have not trained for 3 days and have no energy to do so? This in itself can cause more anxiety when I try and force myself to do things. Have to act normal though and have done quite a bit of travelling around today including packing and stitching a coffin to go back to Ireland. My happy level is at -1 at the moment so I hope it is going to rise soon cos I hate being like this. Its a bummer.

Pee S

Well despite me finding a trace of the red stuff in my wee, the doctors finding a trace and BUPA panicking me with the words, Urgent and Critical you see your doctor cos they had found a trace......The Lab couldn't. Now they apparently use a microscope as big as Jodrall Bank that can spot the smallest of blood cells, even if they are hiding behind another cell (Blood cells playing hide and seek now theirs a thing) and could not find diddly squat??? So there you go. My IBS has been sparked into overtime and my sleep patterns b*****ksed all for nothing. However they did cover themselves and say that they wanted another sample in a month...just to be sure. So now I just have to put this as far behind me as I can and trust in there technology that nothing is wrong...but then again they said that to my Mum!!

Bung

After faithfully promising my partner I would not come into work today, I came into work today. I managed 4 hours last night which is 4 hours better than the night before. I made a big mistake in taking Imodium on Monday cos now I am the opposite way with the prospects of passing something close to the Eiger when it happens. At the doc's again today so expect to be invited to their Xmas Ball. I still managed a 5 minute blow yesterday despite my motivation being minus 9. This has been a rocky week so far but I still think being an ex soldier keeps me going.

insomnus

I will keep this short as I am running on empty at this time. Last night I did not sleep at all causing me to ring in sick today. My anxiety is being fuelled by a number of things at this time, but I have been like this before and know what to expect. The lack of sleep is demoralising but I should be used to it. I have the results through tomorrow and see the doc at pm. I almost expect for them to say all clear as they did last time as 'Blood Traces' are ok???? My anxiety is so high that I have also cancelled my blow tonight which in turns makes me angry and fuels the stress even more. All that caused this was a retest on myself yesterday which threw up a higher result than last time, this in turn triggered the stress? I should have know better and blame myself for this as should have left well alone. I will beat all these feelings but it just takes time. Excuse me if I do not post for a while.

Blur

Only one solo last night and I nearly lost that owing to the fact that when I stood up the new glasses were not in focus. A bit of bluff and I got through it. I know I should not be to open about my life, or even how I feel, but I have always been an open guy and this, after all, is an online diary. Apart from waking at 4.30 am I had a pretty good night although when I got out of my pit I could quite easily have crawled back in. Hopefully at the end of this week I should know more from the quacks and see if my incessant worry is unfounded or necessary? The highlight of my day today is shaving off a beard and hair of one of our guests? You have to be so careful doing this as the skin is very sensitive. I was looking down and thinking to myself that I could do without this, but its a job and I have to keep myself occupied ,although I could think of happier things to do lol.

Forsake

If I sit down and do nothing I feel guilty and yet that's all I feel like doing at the present. However I had to take a trip into town today to collect some new glasses. When I tried the frames on without the lenses in they looked ok!!! But today with my prescription lenses in they looked awful. I was reminded of Dame Edna Everidge? I paced round my house looking in every mirror and still hated them. So back in the car and back to the opticians to pick out some new frames. Even now I am still not sure. That will teach me to go without my partner, who no doubt, when she sees them, will hate them? I am also too 'vain' to get verifocals and it is getting harder to read the music. I am having to sit further away from the stand to read the dots. Even while I am typing this the screen is in another room so I can see it!!!! I watched an old black and white film last night. 'High Noon' with Gary Cooper and Grace Kelly. There is a great site called Find a Grave and of interest to us Undertakers. Very suspicious about Grace Kellys death at a young age. Mind you old Gary Cooper did not live to a ripe old age either. But what a brilliant film and all made on a shoestring budget. I used to ride on a Sunday in the Army and fancied myself as a bit of a 'Malboro' man? I always tried to pick the same horse called Toby. A massive beast but with a great temperament. the stable lads cottoned on to this and sometimes I ended up with the Horse from Hell and spent most of my time on my a**e. John Wayne eat your heart out.

Shadows

I admit to being a born worrier ,of that there is no doubt. However I do believe in parallels in life. My mum died at an early age (In her 50s) for years she had suffered from Depression and nerves. As a child it was quite rough to watch and hear, especially at night. She was back and forth to the doctors with various complaints and all put down to 'Nerves'. Trouble was she actually had Cancer and by the time they believed her that something was wrong it had spread everywhere. Thirty years on it would seem that the system is as grindingly slow as it was in the 70s. I am not saying that I have the big 'C' but it certainly crosses your mind, especially when you are at the same age as your Mum was diagnosed. Strange thing is I am not scared about death, but more my anger and reaction, if I found something to be wrong that could have been picked up years ago? Fact is our country is so full of asylum seekers and folk from other countries that the NHS is grinding to a halt. I am far from racist, but the fact is our system cannot cope and it is set to get worse unless something is done or more money poured into the system.
I am still training and trying to understand why I have been put in the 'Chubby' bracket by the NHS??? Also went for an eye test today. They said my eyes were that bad that I might as well have another pair of ears in their place. I said 'Pardon'
Went to lunch at the PIzza hut. The waitress asked me if I wanted my pizza cutting into 4 or 6 slices. I said 4 as I couldn't possibly eat 6 slices!

Hops

So having been told by the BUPA doc to make an urgent appointment with my own doctor, off I trundled with another sample. However the NHS (No Hurry Service) were not as concerned ,as the sample had to be bright red before they would take any action. So I was told to provide more samples until I could fit into their criteria ,as a trace was not enough to take it further into the medical system??? ( I think they must have about 2 gallons of the stuff now) Fact is, being an undertaker, I hear so many horror stories about 'if only' If only the Doctors had listened. If only the Doctors had checked more thoroughly? Ah well, what will be will be. The good side is I think the Doctor said I should drink more Ale!!! But my partner thinks he said 'You look Pale'?
While I was waiting for my BUPA examination I got talking to a lady who's son was playing in the Rolls Royce Band. Small world as that was the Band I played with when I got out of the Army.
I also started talking to another lady who had walked in with crutches. She was wearing a long dress and I asked her if she had broken or twisted her ankle. She replied 'No I only have one leg.... to which I made the worse possible reply. I said ooops I have put my foot in it there!!! Actually she had a great sense of humour so all was well.
I have decided to drop off a CD I made many years ago to our local Radio Station. I only have 3000 left and it's not that I consider it a good CD but I would love to hear one of the tracks played on the radio just once in my life. They might throw it out of the window, but you don't know until you try.

Brownie

Every one has an inner voice, but not everyone listens to them. I never listened to mine when it told me not to tell a certain joke on stage. It was like tumbleweed blowing across the room after I delivered it! However this time I have listened to my inner voice. It was saying it was not happy with my Doctors findings. So today I went to BUPA and paid an arm and a leg for a check up. The fact of the matter is they told me to go back to my Doctor urgently and get an appointment with a Urologist as again there was blood where it should not have been. I have known this for a while but the doctors said ignore it????? So today I am back to the quack with a letter from the BUPA doctor. I have had cameras up my derriere and down my throat so one up my little soldier aint going to be a problem. However I just hope it is a small camera. Apart from my lung capacity of which I thought would be massive ,everything else was fine , including my liver which took a pounding in my Army days during many 'All Nighters' Just coming up to my hols, so I hope I can get an appointment before I go away otherwise it will be on my mind all the time.
Ah well as I am a born worrier I reckon I can handle this ok?

Cement

Working with another company yesterday, I had an in depth conversation with one of there men about the 1940s Dance Band sound compared with today's sound. He was adamant that you could not reproduce the sounds of the 40s today? So the discussion lasted quiet a long time ending in a draw. But then he mentioned that he had heard a local Band on the radio and they were very impressive......yep it was the OBB and he did not know I was in it.
Played last night and got the solo 'Sentimental Over You' best I have played it for a long time? What is going wrong almost 3 weeks without a cock up?

Lather

A friend was telling me a story about his work colleague. Apparently they were in bed trying to sleep when the neighbours next door decided to hold a party to celebrate getting a Hot Tub? Nothing wrong in that you may say. However, the couple were teenagers with a baby and both jobless? Something wrong here don't you think? She had to get out of bed and complain about the noise because her husband was on early shift. They did not understand the word 'work'. Not in their vocabulary. Whilst the Government continue to hand out our hard earned money, they will just take take take. I am sick and tired of seeing the spongers only 100 yards from our office. They stand outside boozing all day and have the latest Plasma telly. Something has got to be done as I am losing patience with this terrible Country.

Glock

Spent Sunday afternoon following the Girls Brigade on a march. No I am not a pervert, but my partner is the commissioner of the GB and it was the 125th anniversary. They had a drum and bugle band which I have to say was not half bad. Parading through the City on a hot Sunday afternoon past some of the pubs was a bit dodgy, but the drunks came out and clapped?
It was hot at the Oak last night. I had a couple of solos and the one I was most pleased with was in 'A Beautiful Friendship' The practice actually paid off. I still feel spent but I am not as worried as a few days ago. I am allowing myself to think it was the end dregs of the statins causing me the probs?
A very hard week at work ahead because we have no work. I have this conscience making me feel guilty as I know I am being paid a wage? But what do you do when you have made up all the coffins. Cleaned and polished all the cars etc? Having no work is more tiring than working flat out?

Deflated Organ

A trip into the country last night to play in Concert with a Compton Organ in Dovedale.
I have to admit to being a bit 'niggly' last night. For one I knew my boss and missus were coming so I wanted to make a good job of my solo so that I wasn't ribbed at work. In the end the solo went great, but they did not turn up. The second thing was, it was extremely hot in the room and we were on and off the stage more times than a violinist with dysentery. We were due to finish at 11pm but went on an extra 20 minutes and as we had been there since 6pm, made for a long night.
I then went to get my bone case from under the stage, only to find our drummers cases had shoved them right under the stage in his rush to set up his kit before the cut off time, This resulted in just my legs sticking out from under the stage as I crawled under to retrieve it.? To cap it all, one of our musicians must have left a case in the wrong place resulting in the 70 year old Compton organs mechanism shearing as it got stuck as the Organ tried to turn?
Ok reading all this now I was moaning quiet a bit, but to be fair I was knackered. Otherwise though a great gig and the audience thoroughly enjoyed it. Right at the end a member of the audience came up and said that the Trombone section would have made Tommy Dorsey proud. A lovely comment and I am glad that the section is sounding more stable, now I am not jumping up and down to announce.

Knot

Out for a meal last night and then a trip to the local Hyper Market to get my old mate a bottle of wine for him driving me to gigs. I would just like to say that I purchased the most expensive bottle they had. I would like to say it, but I didn't. However it is a very cheeky little white wine called Blue Nun. It is only £3 a gallon so I am sure he will be pleased. Managed 2 pages of my book last night and then fell into a coma until 6am? Got up feeling like death, but in the end got loads done including, shopping, ironing and cutting the grass? I am beginning to wonder now that because I took the Statins for 3 months some of the chemicals are still working through my system? We have a couple of Concerts this weekend and I am bricking it as my Boss is going to be at one of them? I don't know why I get like this as I know I can do it? But I also know that my past and childhood has lots to do with what shapes your life as an adult. I cant change the past, but like buggery I am trying to change the future and it's one mighty long battle.
A strange thing happened yesterday when I had to take another Funeral Director back in our Hearse. This man is a real character and also extremely charismatic pulling the majority of women he meets. He has a body like Rambo and works out every day. If you want a job doing (wink) he is the one to contact. You would not mess with this guy and he has a reputation of being extremely hard but fair. Anyway driving back he decides to show me some photo's off his Mobile. I nearly crashed the hearse as they were of him in bed with his new Thai girlfriend and left nothing to the imagination. He actually invited me to go across to Thailand on his next trip cos she had a sister who likes bald men? I asked my partner ,but she did not seem to keen on me going? Can't think why!

Window

Stayed in last night and watched a film about the 1930s attempt of the North face of the Eiger. What a traumatic story. 3 men perished, but one of them was trapped hanging from a rope and had to survive the night until a rescue attempt could be made. Below him hung his dead friend and above him another friend had died. He had also lost the use of his arm due to frostbite. He survived the night but then had to use his teeth and good hand to unpick some twine to lower to the rescuers so they could attach an abseil rope. With the last of his strength he managed it and the rope was pulled up. Unfortunately his rescuers had to tie two pieces of rope together and the consequences was that the knot got stuck in the metal loop. The climber died 100 feet from safety. I like to cheer myself up with a good film? Managed a half hour practice last night. I am pooping for Britain at this time as the worry has tickled my ISB into action. It's a great way to lose weight though lol. I have a private appointment next Thursday so hopefully I can get the ball(!) rolling and get some answers to my wee problem.

What price

Unfortunately the medical problem I thought had been solved has actually returned and now can't be connected to the Statins? I have to say this put my anxiety levels up to maximum and my worry beads have never been so pummelled. As I can't get into my Doc's for a week I have booked a private appointment, as at this time I feel so drained it is ludicrous. I have always had problems with sleep through my life but now I could sleep for England, which should be a relief, but I am waking up feeling as though I have had a long session with Jordan??? I am still going to work but I am like a zombie (no change there then). Something is up and it is the not knowing that is the draining factor. Of course you think of the worse thing possible? Ok I could accept that but just need to know and put my mind at rest? For now though I am trying to keep up my practice and other mundane things in the house. If I keep my mind occupied it is better for me. I have not had a drink in over a month but feel like getting bladdered (no pun intended) now. Not a happy teddy at this time but as always I can put the 'Everything is fine' face on.

Your Plaice.

It would seem that the Doc agreed it could be the Statins but I have to keep monitoring the problem in case it gets worse? Maybe I should become a Doctor for all the good that was? Anyway a long day yesterday as had to go back into work for a carry in and then off to Tuesday Band. Only a couple of solo's including Rainy Days and Mondays which is nice and gentle. At work, we have no work and it is mighty depressing (more so) trying to look busy. these are worrying times in all jobs including ours. So far next week we have no Funerals which is grim. However if you take it that the average Funeral Costs over £2000 my yearly wage can be taken care of in one week and 5 Funerals ? (Less actually) Which leaves 51 other weeks to find the other wages?
A bereavement in my house last night. My poor fish is up in the big Aquarium in the sky. Most folk told me to flush it down the bog? Not me mate. proper send off in tiny coffin (Well aspirin box) and burial with prayers. I figure that my garden is now full of Fish, Mice. Hamsters, Rats and Budgies. It will be a shock for someone if I ever move?

Cooker

I feel a million dollars today (green and crinkly) and all since stopping these flipping Statins? At the docs tonight so having a long chat with him. We have a Concert this week that my Boss his wife my partner and her Mum are attending. No pressure then?
Managed a full training session yesterday and was told that I had lost weight today? I think I was being chatted up by the Mortuary assistant. Mind you she is 98.

Nein

A busy weekend all in all although I did not do much Sunday. When my partner is in the audience I always fluff a solo? Ok it was only one note in the stupendously high 'Under my Skin' but it p***** me off. Actually when Sinatra was recording the track it took his Trombone player 9 attempts to nail it so I should not feel so bad. Talking of feeling bad it may be no coincidence that I started going down hill after taking the Statins. A report in the Daily Telegraph lists a huge amount of symptoms that are not mentioned on the tablet info? One of the major one's is a very low mood swing of which I definitely do not need for obvious reasons. It would be fair to say that I am taking each day as it comes and sometimes each hour until it lifts. Not a problem as I am a fighter so I will keep getting up. Our Dave is doing a fantastic job of fronting the Band and is getting some great feedback and well deserved may I add.

Missing

A long journey into the depths of Lincoln last night. I have a feeling that this gig may have run it's course. Got to bed about 1.30am but today I feel drained and am fighting another!!! cold sore. Don't know what my body is doing at the moment but glad my sense of humour is intact as I need it at this time? I played well last night and pleased with my lip at this time. Maybe all these hours of flexibility practice is paying off? What a grim day. Looking out onto my back garden it is grey and miserable and very much how I feel at this time! Roll on Tuesday.

baldly go

For the first time in many a month went to the flicks last night. Only 20 of us sat watching Star Trek. Managed to bag the back row and a very relaxing night. Apart from having to take a second mortgage out for the drinks and sweets it made a nice change. Different story today though as feel washed out? Went into town for a quick bite to eat but did not stay long. I need to get my stuff together for Lincoln tonight but to be honest I feel like staying in? Is this age creeping up or something else?

Mail

I didn't want to, but I did. I watched Big Brother last night just to see what dross had been excepted into the House. I was not disappointed. There was a Hooray Henry, Lesbian, Gay, Midget!!! (loosely) and a cross representative from all types from the UK. All that is ,apart from 'normal' people. I bet foreign countries that tune in, are well impressed with our country. We have thieving Ministers, crime, stabbings but a great 'hand out to all' (apart from the folk who really need it) benefit system. Makes you proud to be British.
Back to the doc's next week for results of the wee test. Apparently its normal to find blood in it??? Excuse me whilst I press the case that it ain't! So I am like a Bull Dog with a postman's leg now. I wont let go until I get satisfaction.
Off to Lincoln to play this weekend.

Entertain You

So my sample went off last Thursday for evaluation??? and I was told it takes 2 to 3 days. Is it back? Is it buggery. It's great when you are worried and want some answers?
Today the lady organist was also in charge of playing some tracks off a CD. One was supposed to be Robbie Williams 'Angels' Unless he had a sex change the track she played was definitely not Robbie and she sat back absolutely oblivious to it all whilst the wrong track played on. Alerted to the fact she cocked it up, she then changed it without an ounce of embarrassment. She then murdered 3 Hymns. If this had been one of my family members that had passed away I would have dragged her off her organ seat and made sure she got the rest right!!!
Realised today that I spent 17 years in the Army with my arms crossed behind my back 'At Ease' and now I have them crossed in front of me 'In Respect'. Funny old world innit?

Wave

Apart from a crap jazz solo I did ok last night. It seems some sadistic person keeps requesting 'Marie' but so far I have managed to nail it each time.
The room we play in, is like an oven. All the windows have been sealed up, and the only cooling system was a wilko's fan at the back of the Band. The fan kept rotating so that all sections got a waft of warm air, but it kept blowing my hair over my eyes? Still no results from the Doc and like a typical bloke I am inclined to sweep it under the carpet and forget it!

Dignity

I have said before that Funerals seem to be getting more complicated in arranging. I sometimes think that word gets around about what someone else had at their service and folks add it to there Funeral arrangement. So now the services are getting longer and some Funerals are escalating out of control. Remember it is what we do in life for the person that is so important. Not after they have died?
Very sad news about the family who jumped off Beachy Head. It would seem that the little boy had died at home of an illness and the Mum and Dad could not live without him. So they put the body in a holdall and holding a handle each, jumped to there deaths.
The aftermath of this involves so many people from the emergency services to the undertakers. The family and friends left behind are left with such pain as well. We are in the 21st Century and still there are not enough resources in place to deal with the ever growing cases of Depression. I really wish those in power could experience it just for an hour. This would be long enough for them to put more money into research and find a cure that does not involve life time pill taking.
I still have not had results back from test on Thursday. However the one I am not to bothered about was in and that was taken a day later. I am now officially under the Government target for Cholesterol levels. But frankly the tablets I have had to take have made me feel like s*** so not sure if it has been worth it? Helped another company out today on which must have been the cream of society. One of the Wreaths had the word F**K blazoned across it and one guy put his head the coffin (out of his head on drugs) and swore at the deceased??? Oh what a great Country we live in. I wonder if the poor boys who went over the top of the trenches and died for their country, would be proud of what Britain has become?

Rain

Well I was right about Susan Boyles health as posted yesterday. She is now in the Priory as people are fearing for her mental health. It stands to reason, that unless you are a 100% confident person, that the pressure of performing will get to you at some point. Trouble is those around her are in it for the money and ride on her success and they don't really give a hoot as to what happens to her. They just want to get her well and earning more money.
I ache this morning. Moving all those patio slabs has reminded me of some muscles I did not know I had.
Very nice to hear the Sunday night Band on the radio yesterday. Thanks to a couple of our loyal fans they got a request to feature the Band. It was from a few years ago and apart from one thing it was a good recording. I even got dragged out of the shower to be told it was on lol.
Good practice last night, although we did not get as much done as we should have as time flew past.