Stop Cock

This only applies to blokes. But I wonder how many of you have had to give a water sample at the Doctors and found that because you have to go, you can't!!!
I find this in public toilets.
When I was a young lad, an old geezer looked over the urinal trying to catch a glimpse of my little soldier? Since then I have been unable to go sometimes ,if anyone stands near me?
This was made doubly impossible today when I went into town.
All the urinals were free and I went to the end one. Just about to start when the Toilet Janitor came in and started mopping round my legs!!!! I looked down as the mop flapped numerous times between my feet and I made a tutting noise, hoping he would sod off!.
But still he sprayed and mopped!
I couldn't bloody go and tried to distract myself with mental pictures of Niagra Falls and running taps. No flipping good.
So I had to zip up and move out.
He could have started anywhere in the bog, but oh no he had to start at mine?
It could have been worse though, as in Germany they have lady cleaners!!! and they ain't fussed how close they get to you? Plus you have to pay at the end as well!!

Managed 20 minutes blow last night so hope my lip holds out for the Concert later. My second cold sore is now healing and I can now take the bag off my head.

The Last Man on Earth, is not alone

Having had a solid 7 hours kip, I got up feeling as though I had camped outside Buckingham Palace all night in an Arny and Navy tent for one!!!
I have to admit though, that against my better judgment (and mainly because every bloody channel was showing it) I sat and watched the first hour of the Royal Wedding, with a tear in my eye.
This was mainly due to feeling so tired and my Union Jack thong, which I had not worn in fourteen years, cutting into my already sore derriere?
I decided then to walk and get a paper (could not wait to read about the Royal Wedding) and set off into what felt like a scene from 'I am Legend'.
Absolutely no one around and even the nice little Indian lady jumped when I walked into her shop. I realised I was pushing the boundaries and hightailed it back home, just in case I was lynched by some Pro Royalist Hoodie wearing, Lager louts (I live in a rough area).
I got back just in time for the Ceremony.
I was hoping, when old Kate was asked if she would take William ,as her awful wedded Husband, she might have said 'Nah, I am saving meself for that nice scabbie faced bald headed Trombone playing Undertaker'??
But alas no?
Having had more than my fill of Pomp and Ceremony, I decided I would recce the place I am playing at tomorrow.
I did not realise all the shops were open and had rather a pleasant lunch in an empty Cafe. Just me and and the cross eyed chef (I could tell she was cross eyed because as she was peeling onions, the tears were streaming down her back?
I even feel now, that I might try a light training session?
But am probably asking for trouble.

Sarsons

Having typed a list of symptoms that I have, (including my scabby face) into a health search web site, it came up with a diagnosis?
I have Bubonic Plague.
They recommend that I stay indoors, having first dug a small trench round my house filled with vinegar.
I need to place money in the trench, so my neighbours can buy me food.
I don't have vinegar so have used Kronenburg 1664 as it is only a year out? (see what I did there RTW?)

Tomorrow I am going to paint a door.
Then I am going to sit on a stool and watch it dry.
I would rather do that, than sit through hours of Royal Nuptials?

Had to go and fill my partners mums pond up again today, cos it has a leak. The hose I had to use, just dribbles out and it takes at least and hour to fill an inch..
I could wee faster and for a man of my age, that is saying something?

I must practice tonight as I had a night off and have to play in a Concert on Saturday. I don't know what I am playing and to be honest, where I am going. Hopefully I will just wing it!

to be or not

Having made the decision not to play last night, I went to put the car away.

I went back to my house, comforted in the knowledge that I would just sit and do nothing all night, resting my glowing cold sore and try and figure out why I keep getting them.

It was then that the old conscience started to click in.

I suddenly realised, that our usual 3rd player was not playing and had booked a dep. This would mean the guest player would automatically be put on second, because I was not there.
Now this isn't really fair when he was not used to playing so high?

So I went and got the car out again.!!!!

At this point, feeling exhausted anyway, I thought to myself that the promotion would be a good experience for him and I should let him do it. anyway?

So I put the car away again.

Five minutes later, I thought, hang on, this isn't fair on him or the lead player as the section will be unstable.

So got the car out again!!!

I did in fact go and play in the end

I am glad I did, as I don't want to let this control my life, although it certainly interrupts the flow of things playing wise.

As it was, it was not a good night Band wise and the tuning in certain sections was shocking to say the least, which really wound up our lead player. So much so, that he stated that he could quite easily pack it all in.
I replied that if he did, I would have to walk with him, as there was no way I was sitting back in his seat.
The case continues

I also had a run in with an idiot in the car park ,that did not understand the meaning of parking within the white lines. Giving me a dirty look because I tried to squeeze my little car in the small space he had left in the next Bay.
He went off muttering into the Bar and I then had to ask the vocalist, if he would keep an eye on my motor, in case this muppet decided to let my tyres down!

Oh for stress free life!!

Sad to report. That Derek, the Elephant Trainer was buried today.
Well, he should not have stood so close behind the Elephant!!!
(Ok I am not up to form....yet!!)

Four

Well, about par for the course really. Monday wake up with cold sore (not a girl by the way) Tuesday, no sleep tired out and have the trots? All very strange and no real pattern to it?
Still, I can think of worse things so have to put up with it.
Sent off to Sheffield this morning so the day went fairly quick even though I was on auto pilot.
Decided not to blow tonight as I am fed up of people saying 'Ohhh you have another cold sore, that looks nasty' Yes I have. Yes it is.
A person I know got burgled while on holiday. It did not help that they published the fact that they were away, on a well known social site. The evil scroats out there will take any opportunity to take from you, but please don't make it easy for them. They did not deserve that though.
The only energy I have to make you smile lies in this next poor attempt at a joke.
What do you call a bloke wearing 2 coats stood in a cemetery?



Max Bygraves.....

The Return Part 2 the sequel

Oh woe is me.
Looks like my futile attempts to plaster sun screen over my lips failed miserably. Unheard of really, but woke this morning with yet another cold sore??? This has never happened before. I usually get 2 a year but at least 6 months between, not weeks??? I don't stand a chance really, when my old mum used to get horrendous ones. But they really do p**s me off as they are painful and look awful.
I have to look on the bright side though. I can still play, as this time it is on the other side of my mouth.
As for playing. Last night was excellent and a good couple of solo's under my belt. The Band were on form as well and a good time was had by all.
I have been to an Antique Fair today. I usually go with my partner and we can spend at least and hour and a half there.
I paid to get in and whizzed round in 10 minutes!!!!!. It just was not the same without her and add to that a return of the galloping trots, which put paid to the afternoon?
I have had a good run though so I am not moaning.
Well actually I am, but whats the point?

Popeye

I have added another item on my list of things to do in life. Actually the list is short as there are only three things on it.
Live By the Sea
Get a Dog
And the 3rd thing, is to go and watch The War of the Worlds live on stage!!!
I have the CD and last night I watched the live show on DVD. I had the surround sound on full and basically just sat there and lived it?
Fantastic Musicianship and brilliant Bass playing by the famous Herbie Flowers. Trouble was, I did not realise the time and after watching the whole show and the behind the scenes extras I suddenly realised it was 2am. Mind you, I think my neighbours were enjoying it to as they were banging out a rhythm on the wall?

Read a fascinating book about cats?
I did not know that English Cats have 9 lives.
That French cats only 7 Lives.
But the surprising thing was, that Greek cats have zero lives!!!!!

Then I realised that I had read it wrong.
Greek cats have Olives!

Sunny Boy

I am Budgie sitting again, whilst my partner and her Mum are on a weeks Kayaking course in Venezuela?
Trouble is ,with it getting light at 4am, the old feathered warbler decides to break into song.
I had to come down stairs and try and find a cover to put over the cage. The only thing I could find were two pairs of my old underpants.
When I got up again at 9am, I removed the pants and I can only describe the look on the Budgies face ,as abject terror?
She is coming out of it now though.
I have been asked by a reader in Germany, not to use green letters as it makes it hard to read.
I will now steer away from the Lincoln Hue.
Decided to take the new cycle track into town today.
Because it was hot and I am prone to getting cold sores at the mere sight of a sun ray, I plastered my lips with Bondi Beach sun protection.
The route on the track, goes past a refuse dump. This means, that for about 400 yards of the journey I had to cycle through a cloud of flies and horrible insects. I pedaled like buggery to get through them quick.
Things is, with all the sticky Vaseline on my lips, all they did was stick to my mouth. When I finally got through, I looked like a negative of a Black and White Minstrel!!!
Seems that the 'in thing', whilst cycling, is to nod at other cyclists acknowledging that we are all riding pushbikes?
I find this really weird. I mean , would you stand in a public toilet next to 5 complete strangers and nod at each other because you are all having a wee!!!

Family tree is fascinating.
I found out that my Great Grandma beat my Great Grandad to death!!!
Not, with a 10lb lump hammer, but snuffing it before him??

Water on the knee

A ghost, is a split-off personality that remains behind in the environment of the persons previous existence, weather a home, place of work or an enjoyable place frequented often through life. They are usually tied to the spot that they died??

So sitting having a drink in a watering hole that had been around since the late 1600s I was surprised to feel a sudden tap at the side of my head (This was ironic because we were sat in the tap room?)
I turned round, knowing full well that we were on our own in the room and of course there was no one there?
One of the bar ladies came in and I asked her if there were any ghosts associated with the pub history?
Sadly she replied 'No'
But did continue to say, that a man had died in the very spot I was sitting!!!!!
Hmmmm!!

Just managed an hours practice today after neglecting my playing over the last couple of days. I stuck on a play a long CD and the time flew past.

I spoke to my old dad this morning about me being the last in line to carry the family name on??? He did not seem particularly bothered and said why should I get married and annoy someone for the rest of my life??? Good point Dad.

Did you know that jelly fish are 97% water.
You would have thought getting that far, they would have gone all the way?

57

I have been getting to work early most mornings this week ,because schools are on holiday and the numerous 4 x 4s are not taking all the little 'Tarquins' the 100 yards to school!

I never go to the premises early though, choosing to park up for a few minutes on a road nearby and have my breakfast (fried egg, bacon, sausage, beans, toast, all done in the microwave plugged into the ciggie lighter socket)

This morning was slightly different as staggering towards my car was a young chap clutching his chest and in obvious pain. There is a doctors surgery nearby so I watched with interest as he made it to the car park and then collapsed!!!

I shot out of my car, spilling my toast and beans onto the road and made it to this chaps side just as the Doctors receptionist got to him. ( I still remember my first aid and understand now that you have to do chest compressions to the rhythm of the song Nellie The Elephant??)
I offered to ring an ambulance, but at that point, running from the surgery came a doctor carrying his medical bag. The chap on the ground, looked up and could have set eyes on any one of us, but no.....the first thing he saw, was an undertaker looming over him!!!

I don't know if he made it or not, as I was then running late.

Hope the poor chap made it and his last memory was not of a bald headed funeral guy covered in beans and toast!!!

Arthur Rightus

Music is not just a collection of dots and lines on a piece of manuscript.

Written above and below are more directions, making it almost like a map. You start off at one end and hopefully all finish together as a Band at the other end??

This is not always the case though, as some musicians have there own interpretation on what the directions mean. In this case, it could be like leading lambs to the slaughter, as invariably, if you have an overpowering player, the rest of the section will follow , ending in a car crash!!!

This happened last night.

I don't usually get annoyed, but as the piece of music ground to a halt , with the music crumbling away like a small landslide, I had a flash of white anger and had to turn around and say something. (what me? opinionated!!!)

You see, I would not normally have been bothered, but the same people made the same mistake ,as when we played it last time.

They were adamant ,that they were right and the other 75% of the Band were wrong.

However, another musician went to them and explained ,in simple terms, where they had gone wrong.(again)

'Ooooh yes they said, we get it now'

That remains to be seen ,as they still did not mark their parts and we might not play that piece again for another 3 months?

Luckily we have a very tolerant audience.

I have now been in contact with a London Heritage centre to see if I can secure a photo of my Ancestors Fruit and Veg Shop.

I am truly hooked on this family tree research and the next step will be to purchase Birth and death certificates to delve further back in time.

It would seem though, that I might be the last in line to carry the family name on!!!

No pressure then. I can just see me kicking a ball round with my son/daughter, trying not to fall off my zimmer frame!!!

There is a reason for everything?

Half a pound of sprouts

Thanks to friends who know more about Genealogy than me, I now find that my Great Great Grandad had a large Grocers Shop in Islington London. So Big in fact, that 5 staff lived at the property as well as his wife and 2 sons. They then moved to Great Yarmouth where they had 3 more children (including my Grandad) and opened a confectioners.

I am hooked now on finding the rest of my family tree, but my partner is pigged off that my ancestors actually had servants.

I told her, she only has to bow when I first see her.

My black eye is healing nicely.

I think people believe Undertakers are well paid because of the horrendous cost of funerals

I can assure you that this is not the case and most earn between £7 to £8 an hour (at least that's what I have been told??) It is therefore extremely rare that we get a tip?

That was until today. A very kind Gentleman gave each of us a note and it brightened every ones day.

I might buy some fresh food with it.

Ich Dien

Hitting my snooze button for the third time this morning (schools are on holiday so easier to get to work!) and listening to the Local Radio, I suddenly heard the mention of my old Regiment and a the band that played the Fanfare for the Queen Mum, opening a new Theatre. This was in 1976 and I never realised that they had a recording of it.

I shot out of bed (unheard of, on any morning) and put my ear to the radio (well next doors radio as I can't afford one and I have to listen through the wall) and heard myself playing in the Fanfare Team from over 35 years ago.

I could not resist texting the programme with a story about that day.

While we were on the Balcony awaiting the Queen Mum's arrival the orchestra down below were in the Bar. They did not realise that she was running ahead of schedule and suddenly a stampede of musicians came vaulting over the stands to get to their seats!!! some still clutching a glass of the amber nectar??

They just managed to strike up with the National Anthem just as we finished the Fanfare.

On the way to work my mobile rang. Hands free of course!!
It was the local radio asking if I would go on and talk about that day? I can't remember what happened yesterday, never mind over 30 years ago.
I turned into a lay by (not me, the car!) and waited to go on and speak to the presenter. Before that though, he spoke to me while a piece of music was playing and asked me a strange question.
'Are you running for local Council' he asked?
No, I am running late for work, I said.
So the story was related and then I had to break all speed limits to get to work on time. Good fun though.

Enjoyed the blow last night, although I must be getting old, as it seemed very loud?

Very busy at work today and just how I like it. The time whizzed past and can only bring the weekend quicker.
Is that called wishing your life away? Or looking forward to free time?

K2

I can't wait for the 29th of this month. I have my small Union Jack flag ready and a small bottle of Kava is cooling in the Fridge.
Celebrating the Royal Wedding?...
No a flipping day off, great.

I have taken the Mountain Bike out of storage I have pumped up the tyres. I have oiled the chain. I have put extra padding on the seat, for my poor bot. I have waxed the legs ready for my Lycra shorts (plus a sock) I am ready....

Absolutely great that Britain's Got Talent is back. A marvelous advert for the British Population, if Foreign Countries are tuning in to learn about our culture.
All sound minded individuals.
Makes me feel quite normal really?

I was wondering? You know if you get on a plane and look under the seat, you will find a Life Jacket.
Well if you go on a Ferry and look under the seat, would you find a Parachute?

CX2 * 3RL = GL4

Dog sitting day today and a trip to a large park. Again, It was difficult to order my dinner as I could not take the mutt in the cafe. I managed to attract the attention of a waitress though, who, unfortunately, was not the sharpest tool in the box. I asked, if I could order from outside and pay for a black coffee and a bacon buttie?
You would think that I had asked her to explain the scientific compound of an Atom?
It took me 5 more minutes to explain what I wanted.
She returned with a Black coffee. Hooray.
Unfortunately there was no sugar, so off she trotted to get me one of those old fashioned sugar dispensers. She stood over me while I poured a generous amount of the white death in my cup. It never crossed her mind, that i also needed a spoon? I could not be ar*ed to ask and waited patiently for my Bacon SARNIE? whilst stirring my coffee with an old pen I had?
Another waitress was doing the rounds shouting 69, 69 anyone? No one dared to answer.
As the waitress had not given me a number I did not realise that this was my Porkie delight making a tour of the whole park. After 15 minutes the girl shouted 'Bacon Sandwich'
I really enjoyed the ice cold congealed fat sandwich (I had asked for no butter as well, but she had gone mad with the Lurpack!) Ah the great outdoors?


Pleasant surprise though to bump into a fellow Trombone player who was out for a picnic with the Family. The day was slightly spoilt as my tooth had decided to throb once more and I can't even eat on that side any more.
Luckily I have an appointment in 2 weeks but I fear they will rip it out, once more, altering my rather fragile chops for playing.

A work mate thinks he is hilarious. Sat at dinner doing the crossword yesterday, he asked for another word for postman. I asked 'How many letters'
He replied a bloody great sack full..............Oh bloody hilarious

Jeanie ology

Actually made some progress on my family tree I think. I was hoping for some long lost millionaires or at least musicians. Maybe an odd Undertaker (oh no, that's me!)
But no it seems that my great grandad and grandma ran a sweet shop in London and were at it like rabbits as they had about 5 children including my Grandad?

It also turns out that my Grandad had about 4 names not including his surname. One was Cornelius and you would think that would be a rare name. But no. In 1898 it was an extremely popular name. Just like Keanu is today!!!!!

Now the hard work starts though, tracing back the siblings etc?

Sad today, that we did a Funeral of a chap who had survived Cancer, but then was taken by a simple infection caught at the Hospital. To be honest I think allot of peoples hygiene leaves much to be desired.
Using a public toilet, I am never failed to be amazed on how many folk do not wash there dannies?
I have also said before, that some Doctors do not wash there hands after examining a Corpse.
Gross!!
I always carry a small antiseptic bottle with alcohol in for when I have opened doors. It is also great to have a swig out of as well hic!!!

Scented Stick that you light!

Incensed I was.

The local radio was doing a feature on unemployment in the area.They had arranged to interview 2 lads, one aged 18 and the other 22, on why they were not working.
Neither of them turned up!!! as probably still in bed...

I had to stop my car on the way to work and send a text, as I was so angry.

See, I don't get it. There is a shopping area near me ,where all the youths on benefits hang around. They all can afford expensive, phones, fag's and beer?
All paid for by you and me.

I visited the Job centre when I was on Holiday. There were over 3000 jobs up for the grabs.

It is common sense, that you have to start at the bottom and work up if the job you want is not available.

By starting at the bottom, I mean things like working in care homes and wiping bottoms if need be.

All the Government have to do, to claw back the money they waste on these shirkers is quite simple.

Gradually reduce the benefit entitlement, so the low paid jobs become more attractive.

Only pay allowances for the first child. After that, you are on your own.
If you can't support the child, then don't have them?

Stop the alcohol allowance that is paid to some alcoholics (not many people know about this, as it is well hidden under another benefit claim).

If a job is not available, then to earn your benefit money, ,you have to attend a holding center every week and are delegated tasks to earn the money and give you back your self respect (If, indeed, you ever had any)

Incensed I was..

Intuition

You would think, that a man who has been married for umpteen years would know how a woman's mind works?
I mean, even I know the warning signs and if their is any element of doubt about something , then I don't do it!!
Classic example today. me and the boss went to get some expensive chairs for our new refurbished office!. (three Chairs...Hip Hip...)
When we got there, the chairs had short legs? My Boss queried it and the lady told him that they were the chairs he had had before.
Because there was a niggling doubt, all my boss had to do was take a photo on his mobile and send it to his missus!!
However my Boss does not like this new fangled age and does not have the implement of the devil?
So we loaded the chairs on and went back to base.
On the way, I said that he would be in real trouble if they were wrong.
Nah! he replied...I can handle her.
Half an hour later, he was reloading the van with the said chairs and hightailing it back to the shop with burning ears.??
So in this case, I consider myself more world wise where woman are concerned and I wear the trousers in my relationship.
Under my Pinny.

Changed mouthpiece for the umpteenth time last night, to try and kick start my inflexible lips. Seemed to work ok, so will stick with the new shallow model.
All it is, is one note that is bugging me?? and that happens to be in a solo I am playing this weekend?
It's just a bloody note and my favourite one too. But on the new bone it seems to be more difficult. Yet the note that was always dodgy on my old bone is easy on the new.
It's complicated.

Nobody knows nothing

My partner has traced her Family Tree back to the dawn of time. Well a slight exaggeration really. She has got back to the 1600s where man's idea of foreplay, was shouting 'Brace yourself Gwendoline' Having failed miserably to find any relatives on my Dad's side I was confident that the information I had for my Mum's side would start me on the road to genealogy discovery. I had my Granddad's birth date. His death date, His wife's name. Her birth and death date. Where they shopped. Shoe size..... My partner typed all this info in and got................................................Nothing. I don't exist!!!! Just going to empty a bin this morning when I found a discarded poem. I don't know who wrote it and I have used a little artistic licence on a few words. It's simply called 'Music'

How many of us ever stop to think

Of music, as a wondrous magic link

With melodies sometimes taking the place of prayer

When words have failed us, beneath the weight of care

Music, that knows no Country, Race or Creed.

But rewards to each, according to their needs.

How very true. However, the way I am playing at the moment could not be classed as 'wondrous' as having real embouchure problems. I will need to put more practice in, me thinks? I find it a bit like Marathon running. You are coasting along just nicely, then this bloody great wall suddenly jumps out in front of you!!! Mind you, I have always been afraid of making a prat of myself whilst playing and yet if you click the title above you will see a video of a well known female vocalist, who did not realise the programme was going out live. She got into difficulty, but handled the situation without a hint of stress. However, as every musician will know, she would have been dying inside.

Frog March

I am very disappointed.

Booked a holiday to France and purchased a brand new burkha to go in now I cant wear it, drat.

Seriously though. If I walked into a Bank in the UK wearing a full face balaclava, then I would soon be in handcuffs.??

We have to abide by laws in foreign climbs. I can't see the UK following in France's footsteps though, as we dare not infringe on people Civil Liberties!!! (Tosh)

I would like to thank Mick Jagger for the loan of his lips last night. At least that's how it felt when I was playing. Did not settle all night.

I blame it on the gardening

Merry Wives

The sun is shining. It's Sunday. It's time for my favourite job of all time.
Yes folks, it's the blitz on the Garden time again.
I can't wait to get out there and mow the lawn. Standing in all the cat poo that has been deposited over the winter and is furtively hiding in the 3 inch blades of grass, just waiting for my size 9 foot to step in.
I can't wait to fight with my strimmer. The rogue cord that continually shoots back up inside the machinery. When it does appear it either snaps on a titanium blade of grass, or picks up the only pebble in the garden and olympically curls it through my kitchen window.
Then of course are the nettles and rash I have to look forward to, vainly driving miles to find a 'Doc Leaf'?
Not to mention slicing through the mower cable with the metal blade (thank goodness I have a surge protector fitted)
Of course, when it's all over, I have to go through the whole thing again, next year?

I am annoyed that I took the time to e mail the local paper and radio about a Dance we are doing later.
Trying to attract new faces to our great Dance. I opened the paper to find they had not bothered there asses to print it.
I do not know if it went on the Radio or not but I am p*ssed of with apathy. People saying they are going to do things and never do? Or worse, say they have and they haven't

I started to read a book about Barbara Windsor. I only got a third of the way through when I had to throw it out of the bedroom window. Apart from numerous abortions and sleeping around, I found her thoroughly disgusting? I suppose I should have shouted her catch phrase as I lobbed the book away.
'Gowon gerr owt'
Quality!

Kong

A mate of mine confused his liquid Viagra with Tippex last night and woke up with a huge correction.

What a great day. Out to visit a Cathedral City today. The sun was shining, my guts were working and I felt good.
Boy the good days are really good.

Strangely on the way home through the countryside we passed an old guy peddling like buggery on his pushbike. Ahead of us was a Fire Engine blue lights a blazing?
The old chap arrived at the Engine had a word with the Fireman and started peddling like buggery in the opposite direction with the Engine following behind????? The mind boggles, but I hope the old chap had asked his wife to keep the fire going until they got back???

Just a note.
It is 7.20pm and the horse I backed in the Grand National is still running....

There here

It is very strange, that when I get these sudden tum problems, all my energy drains away?

It did not help the other night, when I had a dream that my Quilt was slowly being dragged off me. I awoke, still to feel it being pulled? This was followed by a small thump as if a heavy ball had been dropped?

My logic told me that this was impossible as it is to heavy to be dragged off, so did not really give it a second thought.

So I was quite shocked in the morning, to find it had been pulled at angle off the bed????

Now, this is either due to my Hamster breaking out and having a rodent laugh?

Or I have a ghost in my bedroom (female I hope)

The area we work in is getting more upmarket.

Someone had vomited over the Funeral parlour wall this morning.

Over the other wall was a used syringe, still with blood in it?

Nice!!!!

Marathon

The top scientific team from my electricity supplier called me on the way to work today. After a 10 minute conversation they admitted that the instructions on their web site on how to read a meter was wrong. I also pointed out that their meter readers had been taught wrong as well!!!! They did not like that!! But unfortunately it is true as they said that the main bulk of complaints that they receive is from the old type dial meter and misreadings?

Job Done??

Lets wait until the next bill shall we?

Took a body in to be cremated today, to the strains of Stevie Wonder .

Reminded me of the Chinese guy who went to Watch Stevie in Concert.

When Mr Wonder asked if their were any requests from the audience, the Chinese guy shouted 'Sing a Jazz Chord'

I don't know that one replied Stevie.

Yes you do shouted the Chinese bloke, it goes...A Jazz Chord to say I love you....

Had the runs again today...just thought I would share.

You Dirty Rat

I now have more photographs of my Electricity Meter, than I have of my Summer Holidays last year.

David Bailey would be proud of all the different angles I have of the rogue dials. Some cheeky and some a little risque!!!

I also have some prints that are up at work and all that have studied them, say that the meter is wrong?

Watch this space.

In relationship to the above, one of our Trombone players is a Scientific Expert working for the above Energy Company I am having problems with. I whipped out my cheeky little meter snaps and showed him.

Basically he said 'The problem is bigger than people know and that's all I can say'!!!!

Now that means, I presume, that I am not the only one in the UK who's Electricity dials are reading wrong.

That could mean, that some poor old Pensioner with a heart defect could have shuffled off the mortal coil after receiving a massive bill.

That means, I am going to make life hell for this company.

Continuing Famous last words uttered on the Death Bed

I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis.~~ Humphrey Bogart!!!

Nice one Bogie.

Ya Nein Nein Ya

Luckily, I arrived home, just as the Electricity Meter dude turned up.
We stood together and he read the meter.
The reading he got was the same as I had made. Which meant that I had used over £800 worth of Electricity in 3 months?????
To say I was stressed is an understatement and he himself agreed that it could not be right.
He then rang Head Office! where he was put on hold for ten minutes.
He got that fed up that he cancelled the call and tried again.
In the mean time the original guy he rang, then rang me on my Mobile.
He told me and the EON reader that the reading could not be right and to read the second figure as a zero not a nine. This went against all his training and the advice on how to read a meter yourself on their web site.
He then stressed that the Meter must be faulty and the problem would continue if not fixed!!!
It will be fixed replied the Electricity expert........in 2017.
I then took the phone from the reader and spoke to the other guy, teaching him some new words and vocabulary.
The case continues.
However, for those that read the Blog I am posting proof in a photo above, just in case I am sent to prison for not paying a massive bill?
The meter reader made the reading 69644 (you are advised to read the lowest number first except when dial is between a zero and nine, then it is a nine.. The Electricity company say read it as 60644, which makes more sense, but means all the meter readers out there are giving wrong readings?
If the second dial is a 9 then that would mean that the first dial should be getting near the 7 or at least half way!!!
Confused???? Not half as much as me dear readers

Troy

I find out today, if my Electricity Bill will be £800 or £80? They have promised to ring me and let me know.

Am I holding my breath....

A mate at work wants to throw his laptop out the window.

I have spent most of my Dinner 10 minutes!!!! trying to get rid of 38 virus's off his PC.

The people who create these Trojans are extremely clever. So much so, that I can't understand why they don't get a proper job?

A tip is (to late for my mate) if a window pops up asking if you want to navigate away from a page. DO NOT click Yes or No or click the Red close down Cross. press Ctrl Alt and Delete together and close it that way. The warning box can be a Virus on it's own.

Played last night, but my lip was very tight. The Cold Sore healed, but has scarred so I need to get more flexibility back in the old chops. A never ending problem but so used to it now.

Did you know that Bing Crosby's very last words were
'That was a great game of Golf feller's'

Hibernate

After an arduous day shopping! I stayed in last night and decided that I would catch up on some tv. Trouble was, I could not settle and that was partly due to a problem getting worse from over a year ago.
Yes folks, the dreaded soreness in the Khyber has made an unwelcome return.
I share this with you, because when I went back to the Hospital, they told me that there was no need for me to go back again.
So I am not.
Let's see what develops shall we?
I have even considered using the long flexible brush I clean the inner slide of my Trombone, to ease the discomfort???? Imagine going to casualty with that protruding from the Outer Hebrides?

I also decided last night, to have my first drink in a month.
Have I paid today.
Lets say I have got plenty of reading done? (note to my old mate. Experiment proven).

It could be worse though.
I could be a Shrew.
You see, a Shrew has to eat it's own weight in food.
If it eats nothing for 2 hours
It dies.

See always someone worse off!!!

Actually, I just thought.
I have not seen my Hamster for a couple of days?
Wonder if he has crawled up somewhere warm!!!!!!

Guess what it is

They do say, that if you sit for 24 hours in Trafalgar Square, you will eventually see someone that you know?
I stood for an hour outside a clothes shop waiting for my partner and saw 6 people that I knew!
One of these was Rolf Harris!!!!
Now this was pretty surreal ,as the singing artist was signing copies of his book in a shop next to where I was standing.
I looked to my left and there stood 2 little boys!!!!
I thought to myself, if I look to the right and there is a kangaroo having a Bondage session, then the lack of sleep this week has given me serious problems.
I was lucky.
To my right was just the escalator going up!!!!

I had to go round and speak to my partners neighbour today as his trees and bushes were pulling her fence down.
Actually he was polite but had no interest in gardening at all and said that it was up to us what we did....
Restored my faith in the great British Public that.

I feel that I have neglected my playing this week and I really need to get back into it. Luckily no major solo's this weekend so I can ease back into it gently? I just need to kick start my motivation.

Light

Today is a good day. That's all I can say.

It comes it goes and takes a little more each time.

But today is a good day.

Last night I went to watch a play in the pub the band play in. It was presented in the round and therefore you felt part of it. However I did know one of the cast. A fellow musician who I will not be able to look in the face again, as he stood over me naked brandishing a Gurkha knife!!!

Ok it wasn't personal and was part of the play, but how can I look at him as a bass player again???.

When my Mum died, I foolishly went to view her.

I wish that I hadn't.

It is therefore very hard ,when we try and advise people it would not be a good idea to view there loved one, as he or she has deteriorated drastically.

If they insist, we now have to make them sign a disclaimer, saying that they had been warned and there can be no come back on us for trauma or upset?

When a celebrity dies the jokes come thick and fast from all over the world.

Theses are created sometimes within hours of them passing away?

For example, within 1 hour of Eddie Stobbart dieing, it was announced by someone that a film was being made about his life. The person said, it was very good, as they had seen the trailer......