The Road to Nowhere

Well the old stress levels are starting to rise again so my hols must be nearly over.
Went into town today and after climbing the steps to the fifth floor of the car Park I realised that the old IBS was paying me a visit for the third time that day. I now had to do a quick calculation. Could I make it home to the comfort of my own bog and the luxury of Izal toilet paper. Or would the eruption of Vesuvius start to make its urgent presence known??
It was then that I saw the queue at the ticket machine. Maybe I can just make it I thought. However the bloke a few people in front was having none of that. First he did not have the right change. Then the note changer would not accept the fifty quid note that he was trying to feed into it? Then to cap it all, his bloody credit card would not work. At this time my cheeks were clenched tighter than Roy's wallet. I could hold on no longer.
So I legged it 5 floors down to the centres toilets.....yep all engaged.
Well I finally managed to get a trap to myself and a sense of relief flooded over me.
It was then the second attempt on Everest and back up the 10 flights of stairs. I got into my car at 3.10pm
I was still trying to get out of the Car Park at 4.10pm.
I asked one of the security chaps if they had raised the barriers to ease congestion. Yeah, he said scratching his nuts with one hand whilst poking his ear with the aerial of his walkie talkie with the other.
Had they raised the barrier....had they buggery.
Have I written to the local rag. Well do the wooden tops have a spotty dog. Does the Pope have a pointy hat...of course I have.
By the way, thoroughly enjoyed the film Robin Hood. Again, even though the Cinema was almost empty, someone came and sat right behind us?
This also happened when I was queuing for coffee today. Every one has their own personal space but this chap was well into mine. In fact if he had been any closer, we would have to have got married. My partner found it all quite amusing with the look of 'I don't believe it' written all over my face.
Ok I know after reading all this that you think I am getting old and grumpy? Well indeed, my hair has receded, my waist is getting bigger, the arches of my feet are flattening and my mind is also narrowing. So you can't say that my body isn't busy??
Every cloud has a silver lining though.
When I got home I found that I had received a lovely e mail from a lady in Nigeria. Apparently her husband who had been some sort of President had passed away and she had an been left a very large sum of money that she wanted to share with me. All she needed was my Bank details. Restores your faith in human beings doesn't it.