Quack

A pleasant day at the Marina feeding the ducks today. Ah the simple pleasures of life before Armageddon tomorrow!
I also thought I would cheer myself up by purchasing a fake dog poo at the joke shop and leaving it on my partners carpet whilst the dog was there.
So that was £2.50 wasted as she certainly knows me by now and sussed it straight away. Only thing I can do with it now is put it in my work mates sandwich box tomorrow or send it in for tests when I get my next hospital appointment in July!!
Ah well here endeth calm and back to dead world (only there aren't any cos we don't have any work in). There is always ernie though that could save me???

Maid up.

A rather splendid little gig in Nottingham castle today. They had built the Marquee around a crouched figure of robin Hood with his bow drawn. Slightly off putting as the arrow was aimed at my head (what do you mean he could not miss then?). Really enjoyed it and what with finishing early I am at a loose end now. So I thought I would write a letter to The Sun newspaper (no not complaining) as I am soooo bored. It's all about this new iPad that everyone is raving about. A 17 year old queued all night to get one and it costs over £400!!! How does a 17 years old afford all that money. Apparently you can draw, read magazines, and all sorts of other things that would only cost you a few pence if you were doing it for real? It would seem that 'Must Have' is contagious as loads of folk want one (not me I am happy with my Etch a Sketch and worn copy of Playboy).
I did not really eat lunch today as I did not fancy finding a tree in the middle of Sherwood Forest to leave a Little John all of my own, so I played safe.
A mate of mine had his hub caps stolen in Nottingham once. It's not unusual as apparently it happens all the time. Strange thing was, he was doing 45mph when they went?
And now a joke for all you intellectuals out there.

A woman walk into a pub and asks for a double entendre. So the Barman gives her one!

The Road to Nowhere

Well the old stress levels are starting to rise again so my hols must be nearly over.
Went into town today and after climbing the steps to the fifth floor of the car Park I realised that the old IBS was paying me a visit for the third time that day. I now had to do a quick calculation. Could I make it home to the comfort of my own bog and the luxury of Izal toilet paper. Or would the eruption of Vesuvius start to make its urgent presence known??
It was then that I saw the queue at the ticket machine. Maybe I can just make it I thought. However the bloke a few people in front was having none of that. First he did not have the right change. Then the note changer would not accept the fifty quid note that he was trying to feed into it? Then to cap it all, his bloody credit card would not work. At this time my cheeks were clenched tighter than Roy's wallet. I could hold on no longer.
So I legged it 5 floors down to the centres toilets.....yep all engaged.
Well I finally managed to get a trap to myself and a sense of relief flooded over me.
It was then the second attempt on Everest and back up the 10 flights of stairs. I got into my car at 3.10pm
I was still trying to get out of the Car Park at 4.10pm.
I asked one of the security chaps if they had raised the barriers to ease congestion. Yeah, he said scratching his nuts with one hand whilst poking his ear with the aerial of his walkie talkie with the other.
Had they raised the barrier....had they buggery.
Have I written to the local rag. Well do the wooden tops have a spotty dog. Does the Pope have a pointy hat...of course I have.
By the way, thoroughly enjoyed the film Robin Hood. Again, even though the Cinema was almost empty, someone came and sat right behind us?
This also happened when I was queuing for coffee today. Every one has their own personal space but this chap was well into mine. In fact if he had been any closer, we would have to have got married. My partner found it all quite amusing with the look of 'I don't believe it' written all over my face.
Ok I know after reading all this that you think I am getting old and grumpy? Well indeed, my hair has receded, my waist is getting bigger, the arches of my feet are flattening and my mind is also narrowing. So you can't say that my body isn't busy??
Every cloud has a silver lining though.
When I got home I found that I had received a lovely e mail from a lady in Nigeria. Apparently her husband who had been some sort of President had passed away and she had an been left a very large sum of money that she wanted to share with me. All she needed was my Bank details. Restores your faith in human beings doesn't it.

Maid in Heaven

If you melt dry ice, can you swim without getting wet?


If you refuse to eat the pudding then what proof do you have !!!

Going to watch Robin Hood tonight (I wonder if his mum was called Mother Hood??) which reminds me of the first joke I told in front of the Band in 1993 BC (before colic)

Robin Hood lay dying. With his last breath he asks Little John to pass him his Bow and an arrow. 'Where so this arrow may fall, there shall I be buried' he says weakly. Drawing the arrow back with the last of his strength he takes aim out of the Castle window. Twannnng went the Bow. And they buried him on top of the Wardrobe.
Ah memories.
My last day off from dead World today (it might be permanent with some of the texts i have been having from work mates!!) so I visited and Antique fair and purchased a paper weight and a clock (I now have about 300 watches and 8 clocks??). I also dropped in at Garden Centre for a cuppa. Now I don't particularly like these places as it seems to me they are the waiting rooms for those soon to shuffle off this mortal coil. I kept moving fast whilst in there but still had time to hear 5 old dears say 'Ooooh that's nice' about 600 times (next time you are in a centre just listen, you will here this phrase as soon as you go through the door)
So that's it, the parties over, it's time to turn off the lights and dig my Funeral trousers out again!! Oh Joy!!!

Post

If your elbows bent the other way, then what would a saxophone look like?
How does a grapefruit know where your eye is?
If a boomerang always comes back, then why did you throw it away in the first place?

Yes I have had a lot of time to think today. Probably because it was the most boring day of my holiday. They say that if you sit in Piccadilly long enough you will see everyone you know?
Well I sat in my town square today and in the space of 30 seconds saw 2 people I know.
One was an ex girlfriend and another was someone who knows my partner of today. Hmmm can I explain that one away. After half an hour of suspicious glances and raised eye brows I made my excuses and left seeking a little 'alone time'. However, only I could sit in a covered restaurant and have a pigeon adopt me. I once got told off in Dusseldorf by a rather large old and angry Fraulein because I was feeding a flying rat. She nearly hit me with a Bratwurst she was so angry. However this English Pigeon did get a few morsels from my plate, but very discreetly.
I am avidly studying the new Governments policies reference the shake up of the Benefit System. Maybe, just Maybe the folk who have abused it for years will get a shock..but I am not holding my breath.
Anyway back to deep thoughts.
If Olive oil comes from Olives then where does Baby Oil come from?
If Ants are such hard workers how come they always have time for a picnic..........
Did the 'I' before 'E' rule confuse Einstein?
Ok enough now,I am scaring myself.

Vinegar

My challenge for today was to cheer myself up. So I went for a drive to visit the plague village of Eyam.
Now the abridged version of the story is this.
Trader brings old smelly cloth to tailor. Cloth is damp so tailor dries it in front of fire. Bugs that have been asleep and recently dined out on Rats, suddenly wake up and decide to shoot up the population of Eyams noses, thus starting a plague!! Now that's not entirely factual. You see in a milder and modern day version. Bloke gets the Flu. Decides to visit as many people as possible whilst contagious. Same in Eyam me thinks. Oooooh I feel a little plaguish, so I will just nip next door for a cup of Mead!!!!. One bloke who survived, moved out of his hovel and lived on hill in cave. He survived. (exactly what I would do)
The gift shop was interesting where you buy souvenir dead rats, damp blankets and stick on plague spots for your chest. I bought my partner 2.
On my way back I stopped at a Peak District shopping centre. Now the poor old treasurer of the Band is constantly getting calls over the phone from me asking daft questions.
Imagine my surprise when I saw him getting into his car in the centre. I quickly dashed across and tapped on his window. I told him, that as I could not reach him on the phone, so I had followed him!!! I would have made a great poker player.
I have done something really sad today.
A few people know, that my fantasy Hollywood woman is Sandra Bullock...........
Well today I wrote to her at her place in Austin Texas. I was basically pleading for a signed photo (thought about signed underwear, but if I got the wrong address I may have got a pair of boxer Shorts from a 20 stone red Neck?) Now I do not think she will write back, but I have tempted her with a copy of my CD in return!!!!! Ha I know the way to a woman's heart.
Actually I asked my partner what her favourite sexual position was. She said 'across the road'????

Cement all over you.

I have always said that being a musician is not always a healthy life. I know of many instrumentalist who have one ailment or another. I am surprised though, on doing some research on Tommy Dorsey . Now most folk I ask, think he was a ripe old age when he passed on? In fact he was only 51!!!!!!. His bro Jimmy passed away just 6 months later aged 53!!!!!.
If you have a morbid curiosity (just like me) you can take a look at his final resting place by clicking on the title above.
Second day of freedom and my plans to cycle the country have been put on hold as it ain't warm enough. So went visiting today to catch up on an old friend. Also went shopping to get some cured ham for tea. Cured? I wonder what was wrong with it. Also thought about my Doctor today (I have a loyalty card) and where he works. Its called a medical practice. Flip he has been there for 20 years you would think he would have stopped practicing now and be proficient? Also had a thought about chairs?? I mean what would chairs look like if your knees bent the other way??? Also how do 'Do Not Walk on the Grass' signs get there???
Yep I am bored.

Dunn

I have taken some time off work. No other reason, than there is no work to do. Best to be at home and bored than at work me thinks. However I try and set myself daily tasks. It was not too many years ago that the panic attacks I suffered from, made me run out of restaurants leaving perfectly good and paid for meals. This was my worse time and luckily things have got better. I still feel uneasy in some places but try and stay the course. I try and relax myself by people watching and I was horrified by how many vastly overweight people there are. I was also horrified that so many people are not at work? They can't all have taken the same time as me off surely? However I did see a tee shirt worn by a rather overweight gent that made me chuckle.
It said.
'Fat people are harder to kidnap'!!!
I like that.
It took me 26 minutes to bike into town and about 20 coming back (it's downhill) so my first day challenge is complete. Apart from my detour to Ikea to get a load of their pencils. I then hightailed it to Argos and swapped their pens with the Ikea pencils. It's great to watch the confusion!
The Band sounded extremely good last night and it was a very enjoyable evening. In fact it was the first time in a long while that we had all regular members bums on seats.

Are Men

I do most of my reading in bed (I have plenty of time). At present I am in Antarctica with Sir Ralph Feinnes (no wonder I am knackered in the mornings) Got me to thinking about health. My colleagues at work have often talked about who would go first out of the 4 of us (yes it is a laugh a minute at lunch) Two of us regularly exercises, 1 works very hard and the other is overweight has health issues and always has a cold? So we figured that I would go first and he would go last. How did we work that out I hear you mutter. Well old Sir Ralph should be the Olympic Gold of healthy, but actually he collapsed with a massive heart attack and died 3 times???? Hardly seems fair does it? You put all that effort in and your body repays you by stalling? Ah well. I am still plumping (yes a little) for the exercise route. However whilst typing this I am sat on a rather large cushion after yesterdays bike ride!!
Every Sunday I walk to get my paper. I pass the local church on the way back. This morning, because of the heat, the doors were wide open. I just managed to catch part of the Vicars Sermon.
His words went like this.
'I have always said that the poor are welcome to this Church.
Judging by today's collection, they are all here today.
Nice!

Leopard Skin

Plan of action last night. I figured because summer is here? that I would bike to my Dad's in the morning. So at 11pm I pumped up my tyres ready for the off. At 9.30am I had a flat!!! It took me an hour to fix it, but I finally got mounted! Now it was after the first couple of miles that I realised that my poorly bot did not like the thin piece of rubber called a racing saddle, intruding into its region. So I have spent the rest of the morning walking like John Wayne.
I did notice that now the temperature has risen. That the boy racers with huge exhausts and windows down, must have a resident Bass drummer in the backs of their cars. Absolute dross in music taste. So I am now campaigning, that all those over 40 should drive around with their radios on full blast, playing In the Mood? Ha that will teach em.

I had a large envelope arrive this morning shoved through my letter box.
Quite clearly it said. Photo's do not bend!
The postie had written underneath..Oh yes they do!

I Say.

Whilst waiting in the Catholic Church today I read these pearls of wisdom.

Do Not Take Life too Seriously because you will never get out of it alive.

Be more concerned with your character than your reputation , because your character is what you really are and yet your reputation is merely what others think you are


And my favourite

Imagine every day to be the last of a life surrounded by hopes, cares, anger and fear. The hours that come unexpectedly you will be much the more grateful for.

And finally

Those that live in glass houses should not walk around naked.

Bugs Bunny

I watched a programme called 'Sectioned' last night. mainly because a work colleagues daughter works in Mental health and secondly to see if any progress has been made in the treatment and after care?
Well it still seems to be a case of take these meds and off you go, in some cases. I was disgusted to see a qualified doctor inject a patient in the derriere without using gloves and mentioned it to my mate. He sent a text to his daughter and I can't repeat what came back, but she was aware of it and not best pleased? Basic hygiene in this country still leaves a lot to be desired and especially in Hospitals. The Catch it, Bin it, Wash it campaign does not seem to have worked as it seems a case of share it, spread it , don't give a toss, it???
I must wash my hand at least 15 times a day and also use alcohol spray ( I tried drinking it. but it would need a dash of coke to get it just right) because goodness knows what you might pick up from the mortuary? I am also disgusted when using a public bog (which these days I do alot) how many blokes go out without washing there hands (not sure if it happens in the ladies loo but my partner seems to think so) uurrrghhhh! I then have to wait for someone to open the door before I get out (I was once there for 3 days!!) Nuts!!! yes Nuts on a bar. You know the ones that whisper nice things about you...that's right the complimentary nuts. They contain more germs than a dish cloth with different peoples hands going into them (especially if they have just been to the khazi) So the keep Britain clean campaign should start again...but with an entirely different meaning.

I have been thinking!!! If a woman's work is never done...then why don't they start earlier????

Not a patch on him

Kiss me Hardy? or was it Kismet. Anyway old Nelson made sure his men were well looked after when they were injured in Battle. He had an Hospital built in Portsmouth, spookily called the Nelson Hospital.
Unfortunately due to infection and cannon ball injury, followed by dodgy amputation, not many made it through.
In the grounds of the Hospital, are buried over 8000 sailors? None of the graves have headstones or markers and all were buried in shrouds and not their own clothes (you know my feelings on that) It would seem though that some of the amputations (without anaesthetic) did work, as when the bodies were exhumed, new bone had started to form. The reason I am writing this is, that we moan about having it rough (ok, I moan) but think of them poor guys and some as young as 12!!! If they were injured, it was not an ambulance job back to base? But a long slow voyage, in agony and a touch of scurvy thrown in for good luck. I am so glad I joined the Army!!!

A couple of weeks ago we had a Bagpiper play at a Funeral. I wondered why they always walk when playing?Then I realised. It was to get away from the noise!

Been here before

I watched most of the Young Musician of the Year final at the weekend.
I really do not get it. For example a 14 year old. Yes 14 year old playing a complete Violin Concerto...from memory..... with no signs of nerves......and absolutely no mistakes???? Blinking heck, I get nervous and lose my place in the music most days!!! and I am reading it!!
Which once again convinces me that reincarnation is the likely cause of the young lads talents.
Come on, at 14 I was discovering all sorts of things. I mean girls for a start. (mind you my best mate nicked most of them..yes you RtW)
My first porn mag was a Kay's catalogue (wow the bra section!!!) I was out playing and Go Karting and smoking my first fag. I was eating Lard and tripe sarnies with not a hint of my arteries furring up with cholesterol? I was deeply involved with the Famous Five (I wonder if George was a Lesbian?) and had my own Bat cave in the Garden.
I was growing spots and sprouting hair in unusual places (Between my toes??) and if I had 10 minutes to spare I would have a blow on my bone?
So the fact is, this young boy must have been a master musician in a previous life and I lol, well you can work that out for yourselves???

Happy Birthday

All is not as it seems in the Funeral World.
For many years I, as many have, have been convinced that Marilyn Monroe did not take her own life? It now seems that the Coroner, who signed her death certificate and who is still alive, admits he was forced to put suicide instead of murder. He has been threatened for years allegedly and the threats have only just stopped?? However with the Kennedy family involved, I wonder how much will still be hushed up.
I have always had this belief as well, that Princess Di is not interred on the island on the estate. Interesting to see in the next few years if I am proved right.
Also for many years I have been fascinated with the Mausoleum at Staunton Harold. Where you can plainly see 2 old coffins laying side by side on stone tables. They have been there from the early 1900s and I have many times marvelled at the condition of the wood and wondered if the bodies were in the same state. Well it seems that 30 years ago a robber broke in and tried to steal jewelry off the corpses. The family then decided to remove the bodies and re bury them!! So for all this time I have been looking at empty coffins...I can do that every day at work!!!!!
Played a little better last night and got the curse of Embraceable you out the way after my disaster last time.

A husband came in today and asked that when he passed away that his ashes be scattered on the floor of Debenhams. He said at least that way, she would be sure to visit him???

McQueen

The trouble is with serving 17 years in the Forces, that I was taught to think differently. Not a healthy thing now unfortunately, but the Army failed to remove the 'chip' of my thought patterns.
Our Band is good, very very good. But I still get wound up before some gigs. Firstly when we got to the church last night none of the folk there knew where the key was. The Band should have at least an hour to set up , tune up and blow through one number. Unfortunately the music stands did not turn up until 20 minutes before we were due to start so the tune up and blow was well out the door. Also, someone complained that we had some wives and partners with us and they had not paid.....well this made me fume as well. We had negotiated a real drop in the fee as they were a local society and still someone moaned. The MC quite rightly said that we could all go home and not play if that was the case. We stayed and we played.
So this is where the problem is. People tell me not to worry so much. Well, I can't help that. See I only want the best and I really do care about all the lads and lasses in the Band and am very proud of them. However, as a team you can only move as fast as your slowest member if you want to move forward together. I need to not 'care' as much as I do get a tad stressed but not entirely my fault. Actually the Concert went very well, including the joint number at the end and I only think the Band would have noticed the nearly false start. All ,in all a good night but not for me playing wise a fault I really need to work on.
After all this I was looking forward to getting home and watching a good movie. As always, I let the Hamster out to have the run of the house in his ball. After about half an hour I realised it had got very quiet. To my horror I realised that the door had come off his ball and he was nowhere to be seen. I spent the next hour and a half hunting in every dark corner. I finally found him curled up in the Back of the freezer near the warm motor.
So lunch today is Hamster Kebabs.

Hasta la Vista

I have never really set my stall out for an easy life. I mean the skinny insecure full of nerves lad joining the Army after a long Engineering apprentice may have been considered a tad ambitious. But it sort of worked out. Jumping out of a plane at 2000 feet and smashing myself up was a modicum of risky. But it worked out. Meeting a girl 15 years my junior with me being bald and looking older by miles may have been considered a little foolish. But it worked out. Ok there is tiredness and exhaustion at times , but she is keeping up bless her. However one of the things in the past that did get my 'white anger' going was stupid remarks about our age difference. So much so I had to take one bloke into the car park. He never made a stupid comment again.
Now I am much more relaxed. mainly because I don't give a shiny sh**e about stupid people.
Take last night. me and my partner of 15 years went out for a meal and saw a regular audience member. I told her that I had to be careful what I eat now because of my guts. She said in a loud voice 'Well when you get older all sorts of things go wrong'... actually she was right. But would the devil in me rise to an age comment???
But of course.
When it came time to pay the bill I said in a loud voice to the waitress that 'My mother sitting on the corner table, was paying it'!!!

Arnold ( I'll be back') Schwarzenegger is radically trying to change the benefit system in the USA (not a joke by the way) As he said, 'There is no low hanging fruit on the tree anymore' You must work to get it. Well I will be watching this with great interest and see if he succeeds and then I will be on to the UK Government personally if it does.

By the way, talking of the Army. It was there that I started jogging. But in them days they called it desertion?

Big Band in the Sky.

I have been to another musicians Funeral today. In the congregation was a wealth of talent in Rhythm, Reed and Brass. Nice service with some poignant Big Band Music being played. in fact a bloody good send off.
They had printed the musicians favourite line on the order of service.

'Don't tell them anything. Let them buy a programme'

RIP JF.

Jimmy Saville

I had to do a Funeral today that was a stones throw from my house. I had to travel 20 miles though to get the Limo and then come back to my house!!! The talk of the day has been the local Undertaker who has been fined by the police for not wearing a seat belt. When we are officiating at Funerals we never wear them. We are in and out our vehicles like taxi drivers (who i think are exempt?) so I think the old bill have been a tad over zealous in this case?

I ought to mention that I had a great day yesterday and mainly because I did not use the bog once!!! However today I have been playing catch up and a revisit of St Elmo.

The new invention released today is a television that incorporates a Microwave. You can now watch 60 minutes in 7!!!

Odds off

After successfully ducking and diving from everyone with the lurgy at work, it turns out that our new lead Trombone player has got it. I did not realise until he said he felt like s**te at the end of the evening. What with me sitting opened mouth next to him revelling in his playing I am sure I must get something this time? However if his germs contain a tenth of his jazz standard and it rubs off then no problems.

I am still getting around to using some of the Xmas pressies I was given.
One is a shower radio. I can't think of a safer place to dance than on a slippy surface next to a glass door!!!

Relate have said today that 4 out of 5 couple stay together just for the children's sake!!!! 4 out of 5!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. I have always said men and women were never meant to live together. I am always fascinated when reading gravestones whilst waiting for the service to end, how many men snuff it before the ladies? Now there must be a reason for this and I think I know the answer, but would only get a reply from the 1 in 5 happy chappies??? telling me off.

Busses

Was not looking forward to a day without any work and then the phone started ringing. Three removals came in in the space of an hour? I was detailed on all of them but am paying with a sore back after walking downstairs backwards with a stretcher. We then went off to a Nursing Home. Of course the building was not constructed with any thought to removing the deceased on a stretcher so another tight squeeze and a struggle. Still the day has gone quick and also kept my mind occupied.
It is 25 years today since the Bradford Football Fire. 56 people lost their lives. It was all started by a discarded match or ciggie? I wonder if the person who ditched the smouldering ember was part of the death toll or is still alive and realises it was them that caused it. Well 'them' and a very poor cleaning regime under the stand as it was filled with rubbish and combustible material? Just shows you how your life can change in the blink of an eye.

A friend has just got back from staying in a cheap hotel for the night. He went to see the manager to complain about the persons TV in the next room as the walls were so thin. The manager asked him if he could hear the TV? He said, hear it, I can sit and watch it? Mind you he did say a good point was, that the towels were thick and fluffy. So much so, that he could not shut his suitcase properly!

Playground

I don't know how many folk have heard of Bill Watrous but he is up there with the cream of bone players.
I watched one of his master classes on how to clean a Trombone slide. Normally this only takes me a few minutes once a year and the bath is full of most unpleasant things once I have swilled the slide out.(hmmm could this be where my gut problems stem from!!!)
However it takes him up to 20 minutes to make the slide perfect. I tried it yesterday and unbeknown to the audience I nearly lost my slide during 'The Way we Were' solo. It was nearly a case of the way we were not!! The slide was like a Rolls Royce compared to a Lada, so way to go Bill.
Enjoyed the blow last night (both ends) but there were real tuning probs last night ,but the strange thing is the audience were not aware of any mistakes or out of tune numbers. I know because I asked a couple of people if they had heard any mistakes? Nope they replied, everything was great! So there you go maybe I have got away with murder on the bone for years and worried about nothing lol.

Old Fuel

I drew myself up a battle campaign, laid out all the plans and changed into my war gear...yes it was time to do the garden. I put this job on par with cleaning the bog (a full time job now) and changing the bed.
Bed wise I just wait until the sheets go crinkly and that gives me a clue when I need new one's.
I have and always will, hate gardening. However after I have dug myself through all the cat poo and weeds and it is all finished, then I do get a little satisfaction from it??? Still that's it done until next year.

I offered to take a neighbours dog a walk today. She was a little concerned though that the dog was on heat. However she had a cunning plan. What she did was get a cloth with some petrol on and wiped it on the Dog's nether regions thus disguising the 'Doggy' come on!!

Half an hour later I returned, but without the Dog. Where's Bess she cried. Well I replied. She ran out of petrol half way round but don't worry an Alsatian is pushing her home!!

Botty Burps

I thought I had cracked it today with the old toilet habit.....but woe is me, no chance of that. After a particularly bland Jacket spud it was like the book the Wind in the Willows. only it was the wind in Marks and Spencers, the chuffs in The Works and the trumps in Next. I actually amuse myself now by merrily chuffing away and then moving from my partner so that she gets the blame. Ah little things. However one chuff led to another and then a major dash to the bog. I really can't wait to see what happens next.
I have gone out of my comfort zone in music. I have purchased the album by the Fishermans Friends of Port Isaac and it's very good me old hearties. You can't beat a good old sea shanty and these chaps have some very good voices not to mention the small backing orchestra. Maybe I will sell up and live on a boat. All I would need is a sail boat and I could power it myself!!!

I was thinking of a top tip of the day..so here it is.

Some pensioners could save themselves the trouble of having a Flu jab every year simply by not queuing outside the Post Office in the wind and rain an hour before it opens!!! They wont run out of money like in the war you know?? Actually I have always wondered why, that when I am going to work in a hurry and stop for a paper, that I have old Mrs Scroggins paying her monthly paper bill and buying 500 tins of Kit o Kat for her old moggy. Then she spends 5 hours digging to the bottom of her trolley to find her purse... No wonder I have IBS.

Suffer Little Children.

Well I thought I would stay up all last night to watch the Election results........................nah not really. See it will be same old s**t, different face peering out of No 10. I know that my excitement levels at the moment are virtually nil as I am in a dark place again trying to claw my way out. However I still do not see what all the cheering and fuss is all about. This Country is in the mire and heading the same way as Greece me thinks? Until they control immigration, child benefit and the benefit system then in Fraisers words 'We're Doomed, I say Doomed'
Today was hard as we had to travel North to fetch a 2 year old back. Now for most of my life I have tried to find answers to the meaning of life and religion...but how can this be let happen?
We are all quite hardened to death in the company, but to see a child affects us all. It's all wrong.
Having stopped on the Motorway for a coffee and despite my success of dodging the works cold, I was served by a girl with 2 tentacles of snot running down her nose and the admission that she felt lousy. I will let you know in 48 hours if the brew came with a complimentary disease

You know maybe I am worrying a tad to much about my financial situation. But I suppose you would too if you had been selected for the Master Card Hall of Fame!!

Dawn of the Dead

If there was an award ceremony for trying to look normal on the outside, whilst on the inside you are boll***sed, then I know a couple of people that would be put up for nomination, including myself?. I wish I knew what was going off, but I am so bloody tired all the time. It is unheard of for me to sleep for more than 4 hours a night, but now I can't wait to get to kip and still waking up as though I have swam the Channel? I can't do much about it but accept it as I have had all the tests. So luvvie darlinks the act goes on!
Today I did a Polish Funeral outside a Polling station? Weird to say the least. What was weirder, was the bloke who sat beside me in the Limo but was not from the area, started talking about my old music teacher. Now when I twer a lad, the teacher looked ancient then. So I remarked that he must have been long gone? Apparently he only died this year??? He did put me on the road to the world of music though, so bless him for that.
Again my faith in the Doctors Diagnosis was strengthened today. Another funeral Firm have a recently departed who was told by the Doctor that what he had was only a Verruca? Not long after he died of skin cancer. Warms your heart at the professionalism doesn't it.
I have voted today. I thought I would edge my bets and put a tick against all of them ;-)
My advice for you all today is 'Live within your income....even if you have to borrow to do so'

Salted

I did learn another of life's lessons last night. If I was still blowing on lead bone and a solo was scheduled, I would have a quick look at it before I blew it live. Now the bone player last night did not do this, thus strengthening my opinion he is a fantastic player. However, as he would admit himself, it did not go according to plan. Now this is the lesson I learned. You see, I would have been mortified that I had let the audience down and embarrassed myself.
Him, well he was not phased at all and probably never gave it a second thought.
Gosh I wish I could be like that???
Bad news last night. A veteran musician of the Band has passed away. It would seem that he had survived many operations and fought cancer, but allegedly, a common cold virus got the better of him and took him away? How very sad is that? Another fine musician now playing in the Big Band in the sky.
My ambition for many years, is to finish work and retire at an earliest age possible.
Sitting down last night I worked out, that I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life...if I don't actually spend anything!

Bill

Well work has gone very quiet again which means the pressure is on to find something to do to earn my money! That can be more tiring than working flat out (of which I prefer) Managed an early finish in lieu of overtime (I do not ask for money for overtime but the time back instead)
so met my partner for lunch and a long chat in the park. When I went to drop her off at work, we both noticed this really friendly looking dog tied to the railings. We were warned off stroking it though as it had just bitten 2 people and they were waiting for the RSPCA to come and collect it (The dog not the people) Good job we were warned as I would have been straight in with outstretched hand (palm down to the snozzle) and taking it home as a stray. Looks now though as if this pooch's time is running out.
A mate at work was talking about his ex wife. She has been married 4 times apparently.
In order, she was married to a Banker, an Actor, a Minister and an Undertaker (him) .
Seems like a case of, One for the Money. Two for the Show Three to get ready and Four to go????

Richard

Well one day out of three of having energy is ok I suppose? The last 2 days have been back to zombie land again??? Feels like I have done an Eddie Izzard and run numerous Marathons back to back! Despite feeling like one of my customers,all 3 of us went to a Medieval Market today. I have been every year since I can remember and nothing really changes, including the weather which was bloody freezing. It always amuses me though that the Beefburger van is outside the local undertakers.....get yer meaty snacks here! shouts the chef..hmmmm.
But also more surreal is, just up the street is another Undertaker. Outside his premises was the Punch and Judy show. I was fascinated what they were going to use as the puppets....but I was greatly disappointed.
I actually put up with a lot in my life and have the patience of a saint but I don't think those that matter even give it a thought.
I mean I take my partner out every night. But she always seems to find her way back.

Time to go.

I am a bloke and I like gadgets. I also like watches and clocks and when we have to put them back or forward an hour it can take me an heck of a long time as i have so many. However I have had a love hate relationship with a clock I purchased a few months ago. It was a wall type pendulum clock. From the start it caused me problems. Firstly the pendulum fell off and broke. With the deft application of Super Glue I got it back together again. Then the hands came loose.. This meant that the time was constantly 6.30!!!. I managed to fix that using a small screwdriver and lots of patience. The final straw was last night. I noticed the pendulum had stopped penduling so I needed to change the battery. Carefully removing it from the wall I started to prise the battery out. With a loud 'twang' the back of the clock shot off and three of the cogs fell out!!! It was quite simple to fix though. I gently picked the clock up. Walked a few yards outside and lobbed the whole lot in the bin.
I was talking to my partner last night and said I was really looking forward to some sea air. She wandered off to the kitchen and brought back a Mackerel and started fanning me with it. So I took her back out in the car and dropped her off on the Motorway again.
Men and Women definitely do not understand each other.

Tennis

A splendid day in the historic Cathedral town of Lichfield today. No stresses or strains but a chill out day. On the way back I was chatting to my partner of 15 years!!!!! and asked her if I had any faults she had noticed in all these years. She said that she could only think of 2 after all this time. I was pretty proud of that after all this time and asked her what they were.
She replied 'Everything I say and Everything I do'
So I dropped her off on the Motorway. Harsh but fair.