Boiling Point

Just to allay any fears and despite what you read in the papers. People do not die in Alphabetical Order!

Do you want to know what cold is.
Cold is standing in a graveyard this morning with the wind cutting through your 5 Thermal vests and re enforced Long Johns. That's bloody cold folks.
I stood there thinking to myself that there must be more to life than this? But then I realised that this was it. Living the dream?
Despite a couple of nice comments I was not that happy with my playing last night. I could blame it on the convector heater that had warmed our instruments to 90 degrees Fahrenheit but if I am honest it was just a poor lip?
Nice to see an old singer of the Band in the audience last night. It was a poor turnout though and if it wasn't for our new MC inviting a few folks to listen to him, it would have been almost empty. We were competing with another Band that night and unfortuntely we lost.

Mints

You know you are doing something wrong when you try to seize the day and you miss!!
Went to my first Xmas fayre yesterday (for those that are interested then yes I have got my decorations up!) and won a cuddly polar bear!! As my street cred was rapidly going down hill I gave it to a mother for her little girl. Which reminds me of the Mummy and baby Polar bear walking in the snow. The baby looks up and says 'Mum are you sure I am a Polar Bear?' Yes, says mum. Baby bear says 'Are you quite sure? Yes repeats Mum why do you ask?
Because I am bloody freezing says the baby bear!!
I have been helping my partner try and get a new dido rail for her lounge. She keeps telling me off as I go in the shop and ask for a 'dildo' rail! No sense of humour these women?
I have a feeling that the next few weeks are going to be extremely challenging for me (not that I need anymore challenges thanks) but will keep you posted.

Tea Leaf

Don't forget, you can't take it with you. If you could, Hearses would come with roof racks?

Last night I purchased a jumper at a well known Supermarket. When I got it home and tried it on I thought I had developed a a large lump in my back? Before I changed my name to Quasi and started ringing bells, I realised I had walked out the shop with the security tag still in place. No alarms went off. The thing is I had paid for it and had the receipt, but when I took it back you would have think I had nicked it with the suspicious looks I got??? I am sure they still did not believe me when they handed me back the item???

I had every intention of going back to the doc this week but kept putting it off with the blokes logic that 'maybe it will get better tomorrow' It hasn't and I still feel as though I have run a marathon every day? Maybe it's the SAD syndrome and my guts are out in sympathy or I really do have IBS or something. Whatever it is, I have not had a drink for over 3 months and it has not made much difference? apart from the Stella shares going down in value?

Equasionally Give

They say that 2 can live as cheaply as 1? That's very true if the other one has lock jaw?
I have been thinking....yes I know. If the population of the UK is approximately 60 million? Then how come I give to Children in Need and they take about 30 million?? Now if that is so then the percentage of children taken from the 60 million means they would get at least a million pounds each? That's a lot of pocket money? I am sure someone will put me right on this? My partner assures me that it is just aimed at the UK?
I have been trying to work out if I can take early retirement. I figure that if I live off a can of beans and a banana a day and never go out, then I can. Otherwise I will be about 103 when I can finally relax? Meanwhile the scum bags around the corner from me who have never had a job in their lives, have just taken delivery of a 42" Plasma TV!!!! Life is so fair isn't it.

Harper tunity

They say that there is no fool like an old fool, but some kids of today can offer some stiff competition. Such as the ones who now like to walk slowly across roads showing no fear as they slow down traffic. That is until they have me drive at them....I get fairly close and I know one day that I will clip one of these imbeciles, but at least they wont do it again in a hurry!
I usually scorn people who queue for hours for the New Year sales. So why then did I stand in line for an hour yesterday to meet Robert Lindsay (My Family) so he could sign a copy of his book? I got him to sign it to the Musical Undertaker which opened up a quick dialogue about why? Anyway got to shake his hand and I went away £20 lighter.
The day started oddly with me going to watch the city's premier showing as what was billed 'The most Terrifying Film of 2009'
This was entitled Paranormal Activity, which was shot on a budget of £36.50p but had taken millions in the USA. Before the film came to the UK there was footage of Cinema audiences literally jumping out of their seats?
So it was with some anticipation I took my seat in the Cinema. I am not joking when I tell you that there was only one other person in the 250 seat theater. They sat 3 rows from the front and I took the back row. So why is it then, that just as the film started, a couple came in and sat on the same row as me and only 3 seats away????? Not only that, they proceeded to talk throughout the whole film. was it scary.... Listen. I have seen more things in my life that you could only imagine in your worse nightmares ,so the answer is no. The only film that has ever made me jump is Exorcist 3 and I defy you to watch it on your own in a darkened room. If you do I would wear 2 pair of pants. Just in case.

Pontoon

I went to a Buddhist Supermarket yesterday. I purchased a can of coke and gave her a £20 note. I got nothing back so I asked where my change was. She said 'Change comes from within????'

When I warm up before a concert I can usually tell if my lip is on form or I am going to struggle. Apart from one jazzer, I had a good night last night playing Song of India and Send in the Clowns and another superbly keyed jazzer! The other jazz number was a skin of the teeth job.

Something happened last night that reinforced my theory about different sections. Whilst 76% of the Band had the number 'Under my Skin' in front of them, another section misheard. Now taking the fact that in front of them was a vocalist waiting to sing and the number they had up was an instrumental you would think the proverbial penny would have dropped????

But no!! Off we went and the section with the wrong number up kept going. So it was a case of 12 musicians playing the correct number and 4 doggedly sticking to what they had. The scary thing is that they did not realise ,which, as I have said for many years, if you don't listen to whats happening around you then whats the point?

I think the word is oblivious, but what really scares me is 4 of them kept going? and did not realise??? Be afraid, be very afraid!!!!

Lil

I took out a second mortgage so that I could go and watch a film at the Cinema. What with a coffee and bottle of water I think it came to £356.65p! Only 6 of us in the theatre and we all sat huddled together as the Air Con had been set at minus twenty!! I was bloody freezing and as the film was 3 hours in length (2 hours of adverts etc) I came out looking like a bloody smurf!!!
Seeing my guts are giving me a hugely bad time ,I have decided to go down the Homeopathic route and try charcoal tablets. I am sure it would be cheaper for me to go down an abandoned mine and dig up a bit of the stuff myself but hey I will give it a try.
Musically I am reliving my youth with a 'Chicago' album at the moment. Bloody tight brass section and some good tunes.
We have a a saying in the Funeral world. Live every day as if it were your last...cos one day you will be right!!!!!

Alladin

It really doesn't matter if you win or lose! That is until you lose?
Last night my playing started rough but thank goodness ,got better as the night progressed. Actually it was a great atmosphere last night and lots of new refreshing ideas are coming from individual musician to keep our Band in the spotlight as 'The Most Entertaining'
Had a cultural afternoon Sunday and opened my wallet (look and learn Roy) to buy an Art Deco piece from a very attractive Filipino lady. She told me that if the lamp did not work to bring it back. The lamp did not work? But using my extensive electrical skills I managed to get it going and only blew the fuses once?
Also bumped into an old Friend yesterday. They say it is a small world ,but those that say it, have never run out of petrol on a Country road?

Stays

I found it a hard blow last night. You have to work twice as hard in a ten piece band and I only score myself 5 out of 10 for performance last night. The highlight of the night was our vocalist sitting on my knee!!! I put my hand around her waist for a photo and thought to myself 'I didn't think you could buy corsets like these any more!!'
On a serious note, I am worried about our other vocalist. He really is not a well man but he is a true soldier and battles through his problems. If I had a hat I would take it off to him.
The Christmas lights are up in some houses already!!! This made me think of Roy the Wallet. He is a frugal man and has sometimes been compared to Santa Claus. He has one suit, but he gets a lot of wear out of it!!!

Ring of Fire

Will I never learn??? Apparently all my trips to the docs with a bad tum have been labeled IBS. Now if that is so, why did I eat late last night, knowing I had to do a Saturday Funeral. Why did I eat Chinese chips, drink fizzy pop and eat most of my partners chocolate buttons? would that be why it feels like someone has inserted a 6 foot wire brush in my intestines this morning??? Flipping heck what a muppet. I new as I was eating the fries that I would probably pay the next day. Well more fool me is what I say. Got a Concert tonight so I hope it passes soon. It was a culture shock doing a burial this morning as I was really enjoying partaking in my usual Egyptian PT but dragged myself out of my pit to crawl into my 'blacks'. Oh roll on the Lottery win!!!

SAD

It's not pleasant when someone chooses to end their life. But at the end of the day it is their decision. However it leaves behind so much pain for friends and relatives. Unfortunately someone chose to walk in front of a large truck and ended up dead. You have to think of the lorry driver and what he must have gone through? Poor chap did not stand a chance. This job is not pleasant at the best of the times and Winter brings an increase of people taking their own lives. I wish more research and time were put into curing the big 'D' and not just shoving pills down folks necks. Another tragic and needless loss of life. If you are cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper, then you are dicing with death!!!!!

Rounders

Ten years as an Undertaker and I did something today that I had never done before. I scattered ashes on a burial plot? Now normally this is done by Crematorium staff or the ashes are buried in a casket ,so this was a first for me. You would be surprised at the small amount of ashes there are after cremation but it also depends on the persons bone structure and in some cases what they have died of. The other dangerous factor in scattering is if it is windy. I have heard of people scattering at sea from a boat. the wind blew the ashes straight back on board? Although it was blowing a gale today all went very well.
I was talking to a lady to day who said that men do not understand the pain of childbirth. I said I was probably one of them. She explained that if she hit me in the testicles with a baseball bat for 14 hours it would be somewhere close to what ladies experience! I got the picture......

Fins arn't wot they used to be

Although I did not play too badly last night! I came away pigged off with myself. I don't know if it was because we went straight into a sight reading Trombone Solo which incidentally was very easy. Or because the Band cocked up another Trombone feature in 'Caravan' All I know, is that I did not settle all night. Strangely though, the jazzer I was not looking forward to, went ok? I suppose you can't win them all.
The level of Obesity in the UK is steadily rising and I have to say that on some occasions we are starting to struggle a little. We are using the wheels at more and more Funerals. We could use 6 bearers but this puts the price up even more on what is not a cheap service. I really do not know where it is going to end. New crematoria are being built to take the larger coffins as some can't cope with the width now days. It's a sad reflection on life as basically our bodies are vehicles and we think more of our cars than our own well being?

Thought I would provide a tip for those going abroad on Holiday this Christmas.
Sharks only attack you when you are wet!
Thanks.

Trumpton

Last night I had 7 'E's!

It's a crap scrabble hand and I came last?

Busy day today and only time for a quick egg and chutney cup a soup and a rusk ,hen it was straight out to work again. Had to organise a Brass band carrying the Coffin and playing at the same time. For saying there was only a handful of musicians they sounded very good.
I thought I was getting a few days off soon but it looks like that might change now. If I am kept busy though I really don't mind.
In a few gigs time I will almost have gone a year without fronting (apart from one revisit) and I can't believe the time has gone so fast. In the last few years of the Army the time dragged, but now it shoots past (sic)
Strangely for a few years yet, I am still on reserves? But I think now it would have to be an incredible situation for them to call for Britain's Secret Weapon?

Tetley Diddle Diddle Lee

The funniest thing I have heard this weekend, is about the pick pocket who tried to pilfer Roy the wallets pockets whilst he was in foreign climbs. Now apart from the beart trap, infra red alarm and mouse trap he keeps in his pocket the thief only got away with a tourist map. Ha a brave tea leaf that?
I was looking forward to the rehearsal last night as it was the last one before the Xmas Concerts. Thought it would get me in the Christmas spirit!! but we only did one festive tune?
Talking of Chrimbo...I had my first Advent Calendar today. It is made by the Jehovah's Witness people. Apparently when you open the first door a couple of them are stood behind it?

Reliant

Watched a programme that inferred that Computer games were making some people violent. When we were kids Batman motivated us to build a bat cave (in the outside bog) and run around the streets singing 'Nan nan nah nah nah nah nah nah Batman' at the top of our voices. We did not kill any baddies or hurt any goodies? Yet there was a small percentage of kids who thought they were Spiderman who threw themselves off the top of the roof of their house? They were very surprised when the silly string that they were using as the Web shooter, did not cling to the adjacent building thus letting them swing safely across. Instead it got them a trip to the Childrens Hospital. There are even musicians out there who think they are pro's when actually they just have a bit of money and convince all around them (almost) that they are at the top of their game, when actually they are just mediocre and living in a dream world? You see, it makes all sorts of folk to make the world go round and yes there are numpties out there who make prats of themselves and hurt others. But thank goodness they are in the minority (apart from the ones in Goverment)

Damson in distress

I hate to moan (actually that's not true, I love to moan but no bugger listens) but I still feel as if I have the flu? I haven't, but I am so tired all the time. I resisted the urge to stick my left nut in the freezer cabinet. Instead I used a glass of iced coke. This got some strange looks in the Toby Carvery, but what the heck it needed doing. Apart from having one red nut and one blue one now, there is absolutely no change (thanks mate). To try and motivate my practice, I have purchased yet another play a long CD. I must have at least 20 now? This is a Latin one so I can dance around the room while playing (due to the affects of the iced drink).
Roll on Holidays and then I can sleep for a week!

Squirrel

Phew what a day. I have felt like a pursuit driver as we have been whizzing all over the place today. At one point we were still on a Funeral and the next one took place 20 minutes later!!! I checked for red light/speed cameras but I was driving like crazy to get to next call.
It's not often I go abroad for medical advice, but my left nut has been aching for ages (sorry it is an honest Blog) I remembered a friend who had the same problem a few years ago so I texted him for advice. He replied, but from Barcelona!!! where he was on holiday? Still what are friend for. It's probably 'Coffin Carrying Strain' a well known Undertakers affliction. He recommended that i stuck my aching part in a glass of Ice? I think he was taking the p***. Ouch.

Deren

8 minutes? That's all the practice I did last night? However it was flexibilities so I suppose it counts.
I am getting lots of enquiries for the Band for next year. despite some talentless moron trying to bring the Band down a while ago, it goes from strength to strength which means we are doing all the right things. I think I must take a coffin into the Crem to Moonlight Serenade at least once every 2 weeks which still shows you the pull of the Miller Magic.
It's also amazing how often you get someone sitting in the congregation at the Crem and then suddenly realising they are in the wrong Funeral?? It nearly happened again today. You would think they would realise that they don't know anyone in the crowd. But as I always have said, some folk live in a safe little bubble and never look outside it. Oh I wish I could!

Bee

Strange night last night as although I played ok, I did not really get anything out of it? I know I have allot on my mind at the moment and like a typical bloke am putting things off, but I did not get the buzz I usually get?
Having to do a quick turn around on inner Limo cleaning today, I started to clean what I thought was mud off the carpet........ I love dog's normally, but today I could have killed the one that pooed in the graveyard and a mourner trod in it!!!! Yuk and just before dinner as well.
Strange early morning dream. In it I was at a funeral but was not required to carry the coffin but suddenly my mate was ringing my mobile as I was in fact required as a bearer had dropped out? My phone rang and rang and then I woke up as it was my phone ringing? Weird or what?

Ear

How come that even though I am as bald as a badger (why do they say that???? a badger has loads of fur) my work colleagues get me to fit the wigs to the deceased that require them? Is it because they think at weekends I have a collection of trendy hairpieces that I don , so I can cavort down the nightclubs? pulling attractive women by the wheelbarrow full! Or are they just taking the p**s!!! Yes I know the answer thank you!
Spent a frustrating hour trying to get our new engraver to work today. The chap that normally uses it was away and none of us are any real experience in it's workings. With a little perseverance and a lump hammer I got it going again. Funny old day? Laughed for the first time in a long while last night. watching one of my favourite programmes 'Come Dine With Me' the first female host got absolutely p*ssed dropped the plates and then thought it would be a good idea to bring her pet snake down to meet her guests. Placing the snake on the table she explained that it only had a poo about once a month. Yep you guessed it, the snake decided to empty its bowels there and then. For a small snake it was a big poo. She lost the competition. I would have marked her 10 though, brilliant>

Cube

Seems to me I only feel alive these days ,is after I have played a half decent solo (which is probably why i feel half dead all the time) which I managed to knock out a couple last night. Busy day today at work pulling in 3 Funerals and an early start. I can't understand why I am feeling so lethargic, when I am getting more sleep than I ever did? maybe I am not used to it. I think I will cheer myself up tonight and go to the swimming baths in my Ice Skates. Stand at the side of the pool and shout 'Who Turned the Heating up???'

Albert

I always take a walk around the graveyard after we have taken a coffin into church. Invariably there will be a war grave amongst the dozens of other graves. Lads in their teens who have given their lives for this Country. I watched the Remembrance Parade which always saddens me but I also have a touch of anger for all the needless loss of life. Politics and religion are usually at the root of all conflict and today, the 21st Century, we still have not learned any lessons. Whilst the Government officials are wrapped up warm and safe in their guarded mansions our lads are being murdered in foreign lands? How much longer will they, we, let it go on for. Remember them.

Steve

Did not want to get out of bed this morning and could have lay there all day. Made an effort to go into town though for lunch. Town was heaving which is partly the reason I do all my Chrimbo shopping in October.
A result of last months guest vocal night was the discovery of a rather fine Female singer who will be a great 'dep' for our regular singer. What with the new front man and singer it is just the breath of fresh air the Band needs.
Just started a new book about the Great Escape which has prompted me to start digging a tunnel at work. Should be finished by the time I retire. Don't ask me where I am getting rid of the sand, but the lads are struggling a bit with the carrying!

Tyred

Flat tyre this morning, I was lucky though as it was only flat on the bottom so managed to get to work. I was supposed to finish early today in lieu of overtime but lost an hour of that due to hospital and residential home removals. Turns out I had a great big nail stuck in my tyre (watch your bunnies Roy!!!) so got it repaired on the way home.
Set myself to do an hours practice last night and managed it although I nearly gave in after 10 minutes!!.
We hear allot in our job, especially in the Limo. I have lost my faith in doctors especially when there was a poor chap who had headaches and for 18 months he kept going back to the doc's but they said it was nothing. He had a Brain Tumour but by the time they found it, it was to late. He, quite rightly, was angry and frustrated. The reason it angers me is they did it to my Mum as well. Told her it was her nerves but it was the big C. To late for her as well. I put it down to apathy in the UK. The motto of the UK is 'Don't put off until tomorrow, what you can do in a months time'!!!

Sins

The new firm of competitors is opening shortly. They are just around the corner and you can feel a sense of uneasiness in the air at our place. I suppose it can be compared to the corner shop and then Tesco's move in just down the road. It's not fair really as with these big businesses, more wants more so it is never ending. The Chairman's and Managers worry if they cant order a new Porche next year as they only made a few million pound profit this year. The reason this Country is in the state it is in is simply down to greed. Anyway watch this space.
I did not practice last night so feel guilty. I will have to put double in tonight.

Tangoed

A horse drawn Hearse will travel at about 8 mph. Therefore today's Funeral was unacceptable to me and most of the General Public. Despite being offered a motorised hearse to cover part of the journey this was declined. Instead it was insisted upon, that the horse drawn carriage would cover the whole 15 miles during the busiest time of the day. The journey took just over 2 hours with a stop to change Horses as the poor things were knackered. I drove at a constant 8mph following 3 Limo's a Flower Hearse and the Horses. The tailback of traffic was horrendous. Behind in the distance I could see an Ambulance on an emergency call trying to get through??? If they were being called to a heart attack victim, then what chance did the casualty stand. This was especially selfish and should not have taken place. Even one of the mourners remarked that the deceased would not have liked all the fuss. People really need to start thinking outside the box. Again I say it is not what you do after someone dies that counts but what you do while they are alive. We had our fair share of irate motorists on the way and to be honest, on this occasion, I can understand it. A motorised Hearse will travel between 20-25 mph as we are well aware of the modern times and tolerances of other road users. The only amusing thing on the journey, was an old chap who looked to be about 80 on a racing bike, who stuck rigidly to the back end of my Limo for most of the way. I started to think that maybe his pedal had got stuck on my bumper....but no...this was the route he always took and no one was going to stop him. So he stayed with the cortege???? To make it worse he was wearing a bright orange vest and helmet!! which went well with all the black cars. You couldn't make it up.

Hover

I have a very interesting day Wednesday following some poor old Horses for about 30 miles to a burial site but will write more later about that.
We are suddenly very busy again (not busy enough for some folk though) and not stopped all day. What with Hospital Removals, House removals, Body prepping, Dressing the bodies in their own clothes (why do they say that you would not dress them in anyone else's?, stitching and suturing, washing cars, listing flowers, driving, bearing, chauffeuring vicars around, talking to families........etc it's brilliant? Keep me busy and I am as happy as Roy finding a penny down the back of his over used sofa.
Spoke to another musician today who tells me that the conductor of the show he is in, had a bit of a break down and could not carry on. I feel for anyone like that, as unless you try something you will never know, even if the thought of it scares you to death, you gotta try!

Tunnel of Love

I have always been fascinated with the subject of Near death Experience (NDE) This is where you are pronounced dead but are brought back to life. A high percentage of these people experience a tunnel and light etc. The case I was reading about today concerned a lady who was about to have 2 wisdom teeth removed. The night before she dreamed that she would die. She was petrified when she went to the dentist and told him of her dream He reassured her and proceeded to anaesthetise her. She then had a severe reaction to the drug and her heart stopped. Paramedics were called and they proceeded to zap her. They managed to get her back but she said that when she died her grandma had come to get her and was brought before 5 shadowy figures who told her to go back as her job was not finished in that life??? I have read and heard of so many cases of this that you cant put it all down to coincidence.
The only near death experience I remember ,was when I asked Roy to loan me a fiver?
After my solo last night the M/C announced that I put a lot of hours in to sound like I did. I only put allot of hours in because so many people sound so much better than me and I am s**t scared of making a twit of myself.

Rugby

Spent most of the afternoon dog sitting/walking and snoozing on the sofa?? How can I be tired after a lay in?? Actually I think I would be better hibernating until Winter is over.
Tonight's Concert was superb. Our Tenor player took to the mic like a duck to water ( I always said he would) and had the audience in the palm of his hand. It's a strange thing human emotion as some would feel sad relinquishing the mic after so long, but I actually feel relieved as it is in very safe hands.
I watched a film this afternoon that reminded me of my childhood. Morcambe and Wise in 'The Riviera Touch' Such simple but gentle humour and a very complicated music score by Ron Goodwin. If you listen carefully you can hear just how technical it is and must have been a b**ger to write? never mind play.
I have to admit to being in a grump tonight as not firing on 4 valves (a bit like Roy the Wallets car) and when I arrived the dep Trombone player said he was full of cold. So I threw a minor hissy fit and sat in a different place. I don't know if it is selfish or not, not wanting to catch a cold? Anyway back to Roy the W's car. I noticed tonight that at the end of the Concert he was shouldering his way past us other musicians tutting and mumbling that we were in the way.Ten minutes later as we were packing kit down, I noticed him still trying to get his car out of the car park. In fact I think most of us were in bed before he got his motor out!!! You se it's the early bird that catches the worm, but the second mouse that gets the cheese????