Beer Can Sandwich

It's not often I get chance to smile at Funerals. But I tell you what, Jamaican Funerals have just that affect.
They really go to town when celebrating the life of the deceased. A full choir. Trumpet, Sax, Piano and Drums and such enthusiastic singing. You really feel as though the person has had the best send off possible. The only trouble is, you could not do more than one Funeral a day. From my alarm going off at 5.30 am until 4pm that's all the day was about and I am b****sed. However the Funeral Director took us all across for a coffee and Kentucky Fried Chicken whilst the service was on. Not trusting my dodgy internal system and a lack of bogs at the graveside I just had the coffee. Do you realise how much will power that took watching them eat finger lickin good chicken??? All the Jamaican people are so friendly as well. I was blessed by 3 old ladies in the space of an hour. I was talking to one chap. I told him that if I was reincarnated I would like to come back as a Jamaican bloke. He taught me how to talk the talk and you can too by saying the title of this blog at the top. It should sound like a well known meat buttie if you get it right!

I watched the last debate of the Politicians, in the run up to the Elections.
I think I can sum it up like this.
There plan is 'Say what the people want hear and then when we get in...forget all about it' Mind you they have done that for years so no change there then.

I do try to exercise at least 3 times a week. My doctor told me that exercise can add years to my life. He was right. I feel 20 years older already

Taxi

I have done quite a few Funerals at my local Crem. Considering the area I work in, this is quite a journey. We have a Crematorium that is nearer, but folk seem to like to be cremated where family members have gone before. This Crem will probably be my last resting place as well, but I have always been concerned about one fact. Now I know that in the grounds the ashes of many of my relatives were scattered. Including my deaf old Granny, of whom when told by the Doctor that she had Acute Angina, she replied 'Thank you very much' Bless her.
Now here is my concern. I wont be buried because of some childhood fears. However once my ashes have been strewn on the grass ,then there is a good chance, that the very next day ,the industrial Council lawn mower comes along and I end up in the grass box??? Which means literally, that all my relatives are actually resting on some Council tip somewhere? Perhaps I will go for my third option and get stuffed!!!

Dead End

Depending on traffic jams, I can spend at least 20 minutes sat on a side road, if I have had a quick journey into work. Why would I want to get to 'Dead World' early. If people ask me what I do for a living I tell them I work for the Body Shop.
But I digress.
The local radio were asking for Sat Nav disaster stories today. So I texted this.
I was sent to do a carry in for another company in an area I did not know. Using my Sat Nav I set off for the Crematorium. It was in the middle of the country and I actually spotted the Crem before the Sat Nav finished. Putting the sat Nav in my pocket I went to the back of the Hearse and we lifted the coffin onto our shoulders. Half way through the carry a loud voice came from my left pocket...' You have now reached your final destination'..............

Good blow last night but I know now that I will never solo with that Band again. The new lead player just gets better and better. I think if he did not turn up and I had to play lead again, then I would just get the sympathy applause lol so I am going to be a solid second player in that Band and give my all on lead to my main Band.

Quids inn

Seeing as I am in full 'moaning old git' mode thus I will continue.
The lead story in the local rag this morning featured a lady (sic) that had managed to dodge the law for 6 years. She was involved in theft and was guilty and banged to rights. However she legged it and they finally caught her. The fine she was due to pay was over £7000. However as she was on benefits and could not afford to pay, the judge said a pound would do???? Now I have sat in the public gallery before and heard this for myself. So why am I seething. Well, the paper had a photo of her standing outside the Court. In her right hand was a pack of 20 Embassy and in the left she was sucking on the very same brand of fag!!! Now correct me if I am wrong. She could not afford to pay more than a pound and yet a pack of ciggies is over £6. You do the maths.
Nearly lost the front end of my car coming home. A duel carriage way coming up to the island. Now which lane would you be in if you wanted to turn right at the island??? This pleb was in the left lane and decided he needed to cut across me. Do you know how many swear words you can get in, in 8 seconds. It's allot, believe me.
I took an aptitude test yesterday. the result was, that I was best suited to retirement.

Crabs

Listening to the local radio this morning, they were discussing the idea of adopting the American way of the benefit system. They use the criteria that you must do some form of voluntary work before you get your money? Now I realise that there are genuine cases out there, but for one genuine case there is another sponger. So it would have to be means tested. That would mean that the genuine people out of work who desperately need a little more cash, could get it. When I left the Army I was a poorly lad to say the least and had to sign on to try and get my life together. I did sign on for a short while but I also took voluntary work each day to make up for it. I texted the prog and it would seem that 9 out of 10 people agreed. However you always get the 'fluffy pink see the world through rose coloured glasses git' who disagrees and live in fairy land grrr.
Out on a private hire today. One bloke was talking about the first removal of a body he went on with his dad. It was a hermit type that had passed away. In them days they only took a board and cover to remove the deceased. It was unfortunate therefore that the person had died in a crouching position, and could not be laid out flat on the board. So the blokes Dad did the only thing he could do. He pressed down very hard on the dead persons knees to straighten them. Unfortunately this caused the body to sit up and make a gurgling sound. His son legged it across a field and took some coaxing to come back.
Dead bodies do make noises sometimes when you move them. The first time I heard it, I had to admit it was a sphincter twitcher to say the least.
I always know when I have 'posh' people in the back of my Limo. If I put the windows in the back down, then they will want them up. If they were up then they want them down? I am so glad I am poor.
My partner has told me that I talk in my sleep. I don't believe her though as no one at work has remarked on it?

Peek a Boo

I have got about 6 remote controls hidden around the house. I say hidden because I can never bloody find the one I want and invariably it will be stuffed down the side of a chair or settee?. So over the last few weeks I have decided to buy one of these all singing all dancing universal remote controls. I now have purchased 3 and on every packet it says 'Works with most devices' Well yes that is very true, it does. However my neighbours are fuming because it seems to change channel on their TV's and Freeview boxes but does sod all with mine? I mean these inventions are all very good if they work but I now have 9 remote controls (3 hiding) and having a senior moment as to which works what. Another puzzling thing is that if Marconi (who I blame for all of this) invented the radio? then how did he know it worked because their were no radio stations to listen to. Plus, don't forget it was Alexandra Graham Bell who invented the telephone, but it was my missus who invented the permanently engaged tone.
Band rehearsal tonight, but with the way it is going it will be just me and Roy the Wallet and what with no chance of getting a drink out of him I might as well stay in and watch Songs of Praise!!

Danny

Shopping with my partner today. While she went to look for her 1000th pair of shoes, I sat outside having a coffee watching the girls go by (make a good song that)
I was just ogling a fine female derriere, when the lass turned around and I realised all was not as it should be. I suppose the clue should have been the rather large Marquee erected in the Market Place. Yes the The Ladycocks of Bangboy' were in town. Actually that was a Malapropism, but I prefer it that way! I wanted to follow the boy/girl into town and see what bog she went into. See that fascinated me, but my partner thought it was weird!!! It was just a scientific experiment that's all. I mean did he/she squat or stand? Shake or wiggle???? It's like the question of what do you call a male ladybird? So many combinations that will remain a mystery forever?
We then went off for tea in one of the larger supermarkets. Strange that the cafe said they had run out of most things on the menu??? Now forgive me if I am wrong, but we were in one of the largest food stores in town?? The shelves were fair groaning with potatoes and salmon and bacon etc? But no, they could not do it that way? Another mystery me thinks.
See Supermarkets are strange places. If you are ill you have to walk all the way to the back of the store to the Pharmacist. Yet if you smoke, then the fags are at the front?
See another thing that puzzles me is, that people pay money to go up tall buildings, then put money in telescopes to look at things on the ground?? It don't make sense. Ok, you have probably worked out that I have had plenty of time to think today, which is always a dangerous thing. So my final question is. If people from Poland are called Poles. What do they call folk from Holland? See!!!!