Orange (jb)

If you have seen the film Zombies Dawn of the Dead then you may be forgiven for thinking I was one of the cast?
Last night I dropped into bed absolutely exhausted but thanks to a throat infection I could not get off. Every time I lay on my back or side it was irritating my throat, so I saw every hour. I still went to work though and have survived yet again? It's amazing what the body can adapt to, and mine has had plenty of experience.
My partner is very much into Dancing. Being a musician I am not...but I have tried my best taking part in Dance classes and going along to dances. Now at her work place they are starting Dinner time Dance classes. She asked if I minded if she went? What can I say as I am not a control freak but I have to admit here and now I feel extremely uncomfy about it. I did a survey at work as to what the other chaps would feel if it was there partner? It turns out that my feelings are normal after all. Now why should I be worried if some hairy arsed member of staff is groping my missus during the Foxtrot?? Well I do mind, cos I care. Ah well it takes two to Tango????
The throat had just started last night but I got through the high noted 'Marie' although my singing was crap. I also had a couple of jazzers but I could not wait to get home to bed......I could have stayed up!

Taxi!!!

I am wearing my daft head again as sleep started to go out of window once more. Strange that I can't spot any triggers. In fact I have laid off the beer for the last 2 weeks to see if it makes any difference.....nope. Actually I am not as scared of it as I was in the early days when insomnia took over my life in the Army. Now that was a battle and a half. I have one particular photo that was taken at a concert in Germany. It was at the end of five nights without sleep and I am still standing and acting as if everything is ok. I have told the lads, that if i snuff it, to make sure I am dead and not just sleeping. I have read Edgar Allen Poe and it put the willies up me big time. Actually i think I might be stuffed just to be on the safe side?

Cloudy

As a Band we are very pleased to see 103 year old Eric The Spider back after his accident (we call him the spider because he can't get out of the bath!) He had a bit of a fall off his step ladder (he does not get on with his real ladder) but is doing fine now.
He was extremely excited when I told him that 'Des' was coming to sing with the Band last night.
Des did arrive and sang 5 songs with us and everyone was really pleased.
Everyone that is except for Eric??
I asked him why he looked so sad. Eric replied that he thought Des would have sang 'Dik a Dum Dum'???
I explained it was Des Coleman the BBC weatherman...not Des O Connor the old crooner...Bless!

Scott

Me and my partner decided we would go to the flicks last night. She wanted to see Dorian Gray (girlie film) and I wanted to see District 9 (shoot em up blokie film). As my film was ending this week we decided to split up (temporarily) and watch the films on different screens. Being the Gentleman that I am and under duress as my film had started, I made sure my partner was settled in her cinema. There was only about half a dozen people in,so she had the theatre to herself nearly. I then toddled off to my screen which was across the corridor. About the same number of people in my showing so I sat on the end of the row. It was about ten minutes in when I realised I was sat under the air conditioning and was freezing my gonads off. It was like an icy wind from the Arctic blowing down on my shiny head. The only thing that kept me warm throughout the screening was an incontinent lady who was on my row. I had to keep standing up to let her pass which in turn brought back the circulation to my legs? My film finished 10 minutes before my partners so I went and joined her in her cinema ,which I hasten to add was like being on holiday in the Mediterranean and she was taking clothes off to cool down (eeeh)
The only funny thing was, and this has happened on numerous occasions. Despite there being almost 150 seats vacant, this couple had plonked themselves directly in front of my partner??? The strange thing is, she has a terrible cold (yes I know) and was hacking and coughing throughout the film but this couple stood there ground? Me, I would have been off like a shot if someone was coughing down my neck. Anyway we both had a great night although my film was crap!!!

Square Bash

Managed to sell on a phone today that had become a mill stone around my neck. They say you should never go back, but I have and to the phone I orriginally liked.
When I was foolish enough to jump out of a plane at 2000 feet I ended up in hospital for quite a while. I was then transferred to RAF Hedley Court where they taught me how to walk again and without a limp. I was watching 'Wounded' the other night when it was featured as the rehabilitation centre for wounded soldiers in Afghanistan. The injury's were horrendous and some of the roadside bombs were packed with Rat urine and faeces, just to add to the awful injuries and to bring on infection.
These soldiers are the bravest I have ever seen and I am so angry that they are being used as Cannon Fodder for a campaign that cannot be won under normal means. The Politicians keep calling it a war?? It's not a bloody war, it's another Political shambles. Without hesitation they should bring our troops home. With the money and lives saved on this they should then build new training camps and bring back National Service. England is in a mess with crime and unemployment and a benefit system that is completely flawed.
Looking forward to hearing the BBC personality singing with the Band Tomorrow, should be a good experience.

You only live twice?

It's not often a Funeral is conducted twice? But today has been the exception. Because the person passed away from home, a church service was held in that location. Today the final ceremony took place in the home town! That's the thing with this job. When we are busy no two days are the same. Swine Flu is rearing its head again and the talk is that they are going to vaccinate Hospital workers so they don't miss work. What about Undertakers and poor old Trombone players?? Actually we should get vaccinated, as if the whole team go down with it would be a right mess.
I have dressed two bodies today and I am still so against it ,unless they asked for it themselves.
It's been a long week and I am knackered so looking forward to a bit of chill time.

Shut that Door

Been to a friends Funeral today. I must have seen 100s of services but I am always impressed when friends and family stand up and talk about the person's life. You can learn so much more about what that person has done in their lives and it is much more interesting than a Vicar talking on for ages, when actually no one knows him better than his friends? A nice send off and he would have been proud.

I thought I had made a real investment when I ordered the book about Victorian Funerals. I had searched the Internet and finaly found an affordable copy. Of course it was not to run smoothly and I received a book which might as well have been titled 'Oooh look at me ducky'.
Anyway, as I suspected, the book company(by the way its called The Book Depository just in case you fancy a lucky dip if you order from them) then said that they had not got that title after all. Now explain this if you will. The Book cover was on display on the site. the Title was on display on the site. My receipt had the title of the book written on it when it arrived....but inside was a completely different book. They blamed it on a wrong ISBN number which actually means that when it got packed the title, which was 'Sleeping Beauty' by Stanley Burns, actually read Photographs by Ginsberg!!!! How, jut tell me , How???? We might as well announce we are going to play 'In the Mood' and then play the Theme from Bonanza??? Are standards dropping or are mine just to high?

Grave

I sometimes feel like Victor Meldrew 'I don't believe it' I sent for an expensive book a few days a go and was really excited as it covered Victorian Funerals and the History of photography in the USA. So as the big package finally arrived at my place of work, my work mates gathered around as I opened it.
It was a book on Photography....but about Gay's!!!! Now I have no problems with Homosexuality and what people do behind 4 walls is up to them. However it was extremely embarrassing to explain to my work pals that it was a genuine mistake by the book company. I mean, what would happen if we started putting the wrong bodies in coffins Hmmmm? It can't be that hard to read a title and put it in the post, or am I missing something. Anyway from now on I will be wearing Pink Chiffon and you can call me Tarquin!
Was really pleased with my playing last night (Thats Rare) and especially in 'Moonglow', where I managed to nail every note including the top Bb hooray.

What the Cook!

Not many people know that my partner is a top class chef. She was taught in London undergoing an intensive Chef's course. Two of the best Chefs in the world oversaw her training. During hours of arduous study and cooking techniques these two Chefs ( who are a married couple by the way) worked tirelessly to turn her into the cook she is today. There names were Ella and Sam. No wait a minute I have got that the wrong way around. It was Sam and Ella.

High Eels

Well I will go to the foot of our Apple and Pears? Ok, me and one of the Band vocalists decided we would have a crack at singing the Lambath Walk last night. When we did not know where we were with the words, we took part in a bit of Cockney Dancing to cover. There was a lot of dancing, as we were completely lost and it seemed to go on for ever. It made the audience laugh though and that is what the Band is all about.
My PC is poorly at the moment and I expect it to die on me at any time. I know a fellow Trombone player who is a Computer whiz, so I hope he is going to come and sort it out for me when he gets chance.

Basil

A few Blogs ago I mentioned that we should have a local TV personality singing with us on a gig soon. He did indeed ring me when I was at work. I was out of breath when he called and I apologised and told him that I had just finished digging a hole in the Graveyard!! This is true ,but I have not heard from him since. despite sending texts and e-mails???
Having always wanting a dog I am resigned to the fact that I work to many hours for it to be fair on the poor things. However, I have now started feeding the Fox's at night and it was fascinating to watch them from about 4 feet away as they wolfed down the Dog Food I had put out for them. They come at the same time every night so should be a regular thing as they are such thin mites.

Why Eye

Everyone knows that I am paranoid about catching colds and I steer clear of anyone coughing and sneezing. My partner always says she has a sinus infection but we both know it's a cold. Today she has been very snotty and as I drove her to Town I made her stick her head out of the window for the whole 3 mile journey. She just missed a couple of lamp posts and a cyclist but I am sure she was happy with it all. Harsh but fair I thought ;-).
Had my favorite lunch today of Greek Salad and also been on the big wheel in Derby (called the Eye up me duck I think and not like the Scottish one The Och Eye) which sported spectacular views of the City. I need to get down to some practice tonight as missed a couple of days, so will do it whilst watching the box. Yep, Multi-Tasking.
I am going back on old ground here but it's amazing how so many people take others for granted and do not realise what someone has put into things. That is unless they have had the 'ba;lls' to do it themselves. Bit cryptic but it will make sense to some soon.

Congealed Blood

Today we stopped at the Butchers shop on the way back from the Crem. I don't suppose this is a good idea as we were in the Hearse and I suppose the neighbours might be curious who is supplying his meat. Anyway, this is an award winning Butcher and he sends his Black puddings to the Queen (weather she wants them or not!!). So we purchased 3 huge links and a bag of his famous Pork Scratchings. It was all laid out on a plate when we got back to base. If the demolition of this food could have been filmed in slow motion, it would be like a plague of Locusts had hit it. Gone in 2 minutes? I am feeling guilty now as I am also out for a meal tonight. We figure that we are putting our winter coats on by eating more? and it is a great help to my diaphragmatic muscle I use for blowing the Bone (also known as 'Fat Belly').

Games

I do like a good Ghost Film. Last night I scared myself half to death (I wonder if you are scared half to death twice if that is it!!!) with a film called A Haunting in Connecticut. It was based on true happenings in a house that was originally a Funeral Home??? I can honestly say that of all the bodies I have seen and been in a room alone with, nothing has happened. If it did, something would happen, and it would involve new underpants and the breaking of the 100 yards sprint record?
Connected with the film was a book written about the Americans fascination of taking Mortuary Photos in Victorian times. This was quite macabre as they had the corpses dressed up and sat posing with them on sofa's and beds? Some of the photographers would change the image so that the deceased eyes looked open!!! Weird I agree but fascinating none the less. I searched for the book on the Internet and found it was out of print. That was until I found a copy in Ireland priced at £150!!!! Did I buy it....yes...but not from there. with a little more research I tracked a copy down in the USA and for a very modest price so I figure this book will be an investment in the long run.
I did not realise that the 'Living Room' was changed from the word 'Parlour' and was connected with the bodies laying in state at home.
See it's an edukation here.

Punjab

Straight into the solo's last night and top B naturals?? Closely followed by a bit of Dorsey and the Song of India. Lastly one of my favourites, just for its arranging of the last two bars In a Sentimental Mood. Sad night though without my quiz buddy there. Just one Funeral today and straight to the Crem. The manager was telling us about the amount of people who ring up and complain?? Mostly it is the choice of music that they complain about. These dozy people think the Crematorium choose the tunes, when it is actually the Families choice.. One piece of music that drew complaints was 'Bring Me Sunshine' by Morecambe and Wise. Now it would be worth complaining if the 4 bearers danced out like Eric and Ernie used to, after placing the coffin down???

Dirty

Me and my Boss set off to the Mortuary this morning forgetting completely about its opening time. We were so early we had to go and have coffee in the new hospital and mighty civilised it was too and a bonus to the day. Two well known faces have shuffled off the mortal coil this week. Poor old Patrick Swayze who fought a valiant battle against cancer and the Chef Keith Floyd who probably will not need embalming due to the copious amounts of wine that he drank? I always remember playing in the show Carousel and them singing about a Mighty Fine Clambake and then watching Mr Floyd actually prepare one by digging a hole on the beach and throwing all sorts of goodies from the sea, into it. It looked great and I would have loved to have tried it? However with my guts its probably not wise really. I have actually been eating more to stave of the uncomfy feelings ,but now I am at almost 13 stone in weight!!!! so I have to find an happy medium (This is someone who contacts the dead whilst laughing aloud).. I am taking all sorts of herbal tablets to help it as the the Docs say nothing wrong! Who am I to doubt that?

Weather or not?

We are even getting TV personalities wanting to sing with the Band now. We have a Gig coming up in October where this chap is doing a spot and he has asked to sing with the Band. I said yes of course, as I have heard him sing before on the box. Can't say who it is as it is not finalised as yet but very exciting none the less. One of our faithful followers gave us some photo's taken at an Anniversary Dance we played at. I did not realise I was bald until I saw them? We have talked about making a nude Band calendar ala The calendar girls, for charity and most people are up for it (wrong choice of words) I myself will be holding a piccolo to cover my dangly parts ho ho.

Doo Doo

My partner has been away for a weeks holiday with her mum which meant I was budgie sitting, fish feeding and house checking. All that and work too? However the bit I really enjoy (no not the peace and quiet) is springing their Dog from the kennels. What a brilliant welcome from 'Hamish' it is unconditional love and if only more humans could be like that.
However when I got him back to my house he did the biggest 'dump' on my back lawn. Having no Doggy Poop bags I went and fetched a well known Supermeerkats carrier bag. Thanks to health and safety, they had put holes in the bag...which I did not realise as I picked up the still steaming pile of poo.....Nice.
Band tonight and I sat there fuming. I know I am only the secretary now, but things are still happening as when I was fronting. I have numerous reasons why I stopped fronting the Band and a number of these things happened tonight and allegedly over a weekend gig. Most of these things just need a little thought. It is not fair on the MC when things go wrong and they have to 'fill' to cover a stupid mistake?
All in all though the band got out of a few musical scrapes tonight without the audience knowing. A member of the Band is also trying out some vocals and he is going from strength to strength as he gets more experience. It takes guts to do what he does.

Dead End

Been to work today (Yes Saturday). I know I should not be cynical but as I get older and the longer I am in this job, I just can't help it. I have seen hundreds of Funerals and had to deal with hundreds of bodies. However, every Funeral is different. I can't comment on the particular one that has wound everyone up at our place of work, but I will say that lateness is the height of bad manners? We also had parking issues, as the Hearse blocked the small street that most folk use as a 'Rat Run' or shortcut. We had people sounding there horns and one complaining that we should keep moving the Hearse??? It was not as if it was a dead end (no pun intended) and on their approach could see the road was blocked and all they had to do was take a right turn into a road that would take them around the cortege...but on no!! WE always drive this way and we are stuck in this rut so we can't drive around....grrrrr. I can't wait for one particular lady to ring our firm and complain. I just hope that I am at the end of the phone. Actually after a particularly bad sleep week that might not be a good idea. I missed an 11 piece gig last night as I had to work late and work today as well. Not practiced as much as i should have this week. My question of the day is. Why do so many nice people have to die early?

Tribute

In Memory of Ralph my fruit machine buddy. I am glad I got to hug you mate. Rest In Peace.

Goo

I don't know if I have the time to write this after my lottery win last night...ok only 4 numbers but way hey!!!
Thinking again today (I know). I started work as an Engineer at 15. I joined the Army at 20 and did 17 years. Now the Army was not 9 to 5 so allowing 8 hours for sleep (ha sleep!) that really makes 34 years work. I have worked for Barnardo's and the charity sector for 2 years and the Funeral Industry for 10 years. Now I make that 51 years work!! Which means I started work whilst still in Nappies? No wonder I am so bloody tired?

Chuff

Three solo's last night and all went well, including the high pitched 'Night Train' As for work...there is none and I realise this does my head no good at all. It's strange you don't want people to pass away which is a pretty normal attitude really, but without this we don't have a business. It's awful really and I pray every Wednesday for those 5 numbers and the bonus to come up (You will notice I did not say 6 as I am not greedy). The worse thing is that even though we have no work, someone has manged to book a Funeral on a Saturday!!!! so I have to go in. Now normally I don't mind but this person has messed the Funeral Director around something rotten. We all know there is a reason for this but I wont print it here.
Roll on demob!

Green

Well the new road sign I petitioned for is in place. It is easily visible to drivers if they are holding a pair of binoculars up to their eyes whilst driving?? Oh well I have done my bit and hopefully it will help with road safety at this particular junction and at least I can drive past and think 'I did that'
Tired today and I am sure it is due to us having no work on . Next week is even worse. I remember my poor old Dad telling me that they went 16 weeks without a Funeral when the Co- Op Funeral service moved near to their small family run business. In the end it finished them off as people thought it was nicer to get stamps than pay allot less for their Funeral at my Grandads Undertakers. Note so strange as folk?

Vera

Within 30 minutes of posting on a War Time web site last night, we had an enquiry for a gig. Big mistake on my part as I was up until 1.30am sorting details out so was pretty tired this morning at work especially as I was awake again at 5am arghhhh!!
A couple of solo's last night and I really enjoyed playing them. I must be going through a good patch and long may it last. No work at work and things are grim if truth be told. If the e mail I received today is true then I have succeeded in getting a road sign for a dangerous area near where I live. It has taken numerous e mails to a local Councillor and he will get all the praise (I would not know what to do with it) but when in place should cut down some pretty nasty road rage incidents that I have seen over the years. I might give myself a night off practicing tonight??? Oh joy!

Bog Off

All musicians know, that if you practice in the bathroom or toilet, that you get a great echo and it helps with the production of notes and tone. So last night we played in this huge hangar and the sound was phenomenal , especially on the solos ,with all sections providing tight and precise sounds.
It was a long journey, made longer with the speed on the Motorway reduced to 50mph for almost all of the journey. A great 40s singer at the gig by the name of Lola Lamour. She sang to backing tracks but certainly looked the part and even sang with the Band.
So Wednesday is fast approaching and that dreaded date of 999? Some folk think it is ominous and comparing it to the 911 history?
Spent a happy 2 hours in the garden this morning. Of course I am lying about the happy bit. I hate gardening and it did not help when I stood up under one of my trees and got a one inch thorn stuck in the top of my head. It took and age to pull out and when it did I had to stick aftershave on it as I had no TCP. Well at least my head smells nice?

Ping Pong

When I look back on my life I am amazed about the number of 'What was I thinking' moments I have had throughout it. A big one of these is when I look at photo's of myself in the 70s. I was wearing these enormous glasses. It looks as though someone had strapped 2 Goldfish bowls on my head??? Another 'what was I thinking' moment was when i jumped out of a perfectly serviceable plane?? I am sure I have many more of these times to come and there are some I can't even talk about on this Blog as they are major 'What was I thinking'' occasions?? Ah well at least I have studied in the University of life and got a first in 'Stupidness'
We are really struggling for players tonight and the distance we are travelling is not helping matters. We will have to spread out and blow louder to look like the Big Band we should be!!

Drum stick

On the way to work this morning I was listening to some medical bod who said that if your thigh measurement was more than 23 inches then you were less likely to have a heart attack? I told this fact to all my work colleagues who of course laughed. However later in the day I caught most of them with tape measures around the top of their legs. Some look worried and some smiled? Roy measured his and found it to be 48 inches round and then he remembered he still had his wallet in his pocket.
We don't often turn gigs down with the Band. But today I had to say no to a potential booker. It would have been a great job but it was in Whitby Yorkshire!!!! A round trip of about 300 miles for some and a late finish as well. Ah well I offered to go for free and play solo bone as it is my favourite part of the country but they declined the offer?
Big turn out for a Funeral today and an awful lot of emotion as the guy was only young. We try not to get emotionally involved but when you have 6 young girls sobbing their hearts out in the back of your Limo it is not easy!

Vicarless

Sometimes. whilst trying to do the best job you can, can be compared to weeing yourself whilst wearing black trousers...It gives you a warm feeling inside...but no one else notices.
Today was a typical example. I was given a fast ball task to attend a burial of ashes and also back fill the hole when the mourners had left. I turned up with casket in hand but the vicar didn't. I immediately called my office and asked for them to ring the minister. They rang back to say they could not get hold of him. I then gave the mourners 3 choices. They could wait a little longer or I could say a few words or we could quickly try and organise another vicar. they went for choice 3. I then had 30 gruelling minutes trying to pacify very upset mourners. To cap it all the Council then turned up to fill in the hole!! This again upset the mourners. Then the families mobile went and someone was asking to speak to the person who's ashes we were about to bury!!!!!! I offered a warm seat in our company car and I offered my coat to those that were cold. I praised our companies services and tried to make them understand on this occasion it was not our fault. Finally another vicar turned up and the service was completed. When i got back to base I was basically told that I should have searched the Graveyard for the vicar as he had been standing at the top end all the time (where no ashes had been buried for 2 years or more??) However we seem to think that maybe the vicar forgot and was telling a porkie pie as I passed no vicar at the top of the churchyard which is about a half a mile away???? Ah well it is a lesson I have learned many times before. The harder you try... the harder you fall.

Corgi Cars

A full but irritating day today. It started with a trip out to another company this morning. I was tasked with driving 3rd Limo. Always a challenge when trying to keep the cortege together. However within 200 feet of leaving the yard and driving across a junction, a lady driver (I say that tongue in cheek) decided she wanted to get past at all costs and squeezed between the 2nd and my Limo. It almost took my front end off. Please God let me one day get to chat to one of these drivers as i really need to know what goes through there minds (sic)
Not long after that, a pedestrian decided they would walk in front of my Limo whilst it was moving???? When we arrived at the Mansion (posh people) the mourners only had to walk 20 feet to the limos but they insisted we reverse the cortege through a 6 foot wide gate with 5 foot wide limos and at an angle. They then decided they would like to see the flowers as they were not going to view at the Crem. So the flowers were taken off the Hearse for them to see. Of course when we got the Crem they went and viewed the flowers anyway. Then after the Funeral as an afterthought they wanted all the flowers taking back to the house. By this time of course the Hearse had departed leaving only the small boots of the Limo's. Now these Floral Tributes were of a weighty size and me and the other driver were struggling down to the house with them when the Queen (sorry a lady) put her hand up and said in a derogatory manner 'Wait, I will tell you where to put them' At this point I knew exactly where I wanted to put them, but professionalism forbade me!!
Got back to our yard at 1.45pm just heated a tin of gruel for my late lunch when I was tasked with another job so my Dinner went in the bin!!!! After all that though what a great day as that's how I like them. Challenging and full.
I only spilt one top B natural last night so all in all a good night. The Band have a new singer now but I am disappointed they did not give the other singer time to find there feet. It's a cut throat business this music lark.

Tennis

When I got home from work my first thoughts were that I had been burgled as my window was open and my net curtains had disappeared and the alarm light had been activated.. I made this assumption driving up to the house. When I got in I realised what had happened. Firstly in my rush to get to work this morning I had left the window open. Secondly my partner talked me out of using the nice bit of elasticated wire that ran through the top nets and had been with me since the house was built in 1663. No, she said, you need one of these nice new expandable bars that sits on 2 pins in 2 sticky pads stuck on the double glazing. Well these nice new sticky pin pads had both decided to commit joint suicide by flinging themselves off the wall taking my nets down and setting the alarm off and knocking off a treasured ornament by Crown Derby(I made that last part up as it was by Betterware). So now they are super glued in place (not the bar but the curtains) and they can stay there forever. Start the other Band again tonight and hoping the leader will break us all in gently with not to many high solos.