Phumf

Managed a disturbed 5 hours last night which recharged my cells a little. Went for a ride into another town and had lunch but by the afternoon I was flagging. It is such a nuisance when it kicks in as it can spoil some lovely times, Ah well a small burden compared to others me thinks.

Kelly

Managed a half hearted training session today after a long day at work and another awful night in bed.

We took a coffin into the crem today to a piece of music I had not heard before. It was so unusual I did some research. The track was called 'Lover' off an album called Grace. The artiste was a chap called Jeff Buckley, and I was shocked to find he had died at a very early age in a drowning accident. It is tragic how so many talented musicians leave us early, I am glad I am only an average Trombone player at least I am edging my bets here.
February is going to be a really difficult month as it is the year anniversary of many bad things, which is probably why I am sleeping so bad? I will get through it though, there is no other choice really.

How much is that

Those who know me, know that I have a chronic sleep problem. Sometimes it is bad and sometimes it is very bad. This week i have averaged about 2 hours a night, so we are going through a very bad patch. Even though I was awake at 2.30am and did not get off again, I still went to work, which angers me when I drive past the lazy dross scrounging off the benefit system who are still in bed grrr.
Today was unusual in that we carried 3 dogs in the Limo to the Funeral. In the Hearse was their mistress and it was her last wish that they attend the funeral.
Also I had to go and do a recce on an address that we were picking up at. As I was designated Hearse driver I had to go and find it. Seeing that I was lacking sleep ,this turned out to be a bit of a challenge as the map bore no resemblance to the area. At one point I ended up down a dead end in the works van and could only get out by reversing the whole way. You can imagine that I was a man on the edge!!! However I have survived and live to try and sleep another day!!

See my Etchings

Played ok last night but was glad to get to bed as feel really under the weather. Not to good today either and it has been manic with about 8 Funerals coming in. I have engraved about 8 Coffin plates today. Dressed a Gentleman in his own clothes (funny we say that as we wouldn't dress in someone else's clothes?) Done some work on PC and spoke to quite a few people in the office and on the phone. I hate it when I am not working at full capacity but I should be use to it by now and not be surprised when it returns. Onwards and upwards then!

Taking the ....

Managed about 20 minutes of practice last night. I am really considering changing to an even smaller bore instrument but have not found one that I can afford at this time yet. At our local Crematorium they had a few seconds power cut today. This is quite major as the incinerators depend on the fans that are computer controlled. If you visit a Crematorium you should never see smoke coming out of the chimney. However because the fans tripped out there was black belching smoke coming out of the top. Not very nice for the mourners, but unavoidable at the time. Strangest thing I heard today was.... A chap was first at the scene of a car that had flipped over. The guy in the car managed to get out, so the other guy sat him down in the warmth of his own car whilst he called an Ambulance. When the Fire brigade and Paramedics arrived, they proceeded to cut the roof off the innocent by passers car, in case the chap inside had spinal injuries.....they would not listen to reason and lopped this poor chaps car to pieces. Which reminds me of the time I was taking a urine sample to the doctors. On the way I had to assist a chap who had fallen off his bike. I bent down to help him and...crack...the sample bottle broke inside my pocket. You can guess the rest.

Warning contains upsetting information

I make no apologies about this posting as it is to do with my work. I will probably repeat this in various other Blogs as I feel so strongly about it. It concerns the dressing of the deceased in their own clothes. Straight away I will say that I have no problem if the person has mentioned themselves that they would like to be dressed in their own clothes on passing. I have no problem with someone being buried. However more and more people are asking this for cremations as well. Now if you are squeamish then do not read on. I find the dressing of corpses one of the most undignified thing ever? If the deceased is dressed a in Funeral Robe (which are very smart and come in a variety of colours) then the deceased is moved once and once only. If we dress in own clothes, not forgetting that some bodies purge (That is liquid coming out of mouth) they can have skin slip (which means that the skin literally slips away from the arm or leg when you try to lift. If they have had a Post Mortem there is more than often leakage of blood. Plus other fluids from other orifices I will not talk about. To dress a female i.e get her underwear/tights on plus bra means moving the body in numerous directions and that is before we get to tops skirts etc. Sorry folks but people really need to think about this. Also if it is Cremation you are also affecting the Ozone Layer because all clothes are supposed to be natural fibres. We came into the world with no clothes on, and I certainly do not advocate going out naked for modesty alone. But there is a more dignified way for your loved one. Think!!!

Gene

One of my many favourite programme is 'Come Dine with me' This is where 5 complete strangers invite each other to their houses and cook a 3 course meal. it is then marked privately by the other diners ending up with the winner receiving a 1k prize .Yummy.
Now being single and often cooking for one, I have devised my own menu in case I ever apply to be on the programme. Ok, I love beans. In fact I have them for lunch every day at work. I never used to, but my colleagues are so adept at farting ,that I felt left out. It really is like the farting scene from Blazing Saddles every day at work. We have one guy who's farts sound like someone who is talking. Another guy sounds like he has to change his underwear as they are wet and extremely wild. Me I am a SBD silent but deadly. I tend to let them off in the hearse and then wait for a reaction. If you do not believe me about one of my work mates then take a look at http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=jN3gPxMSR-w Ok ,back to come dine with me. If I had to entertain then my starter would be
Bean ala carte (Beans on a cocktail stick) N.B At least 5 to avoid disappointment.
Main. Scrambled beans (This is my secret weapon) Put beans in pan bring to boil then stir in a raw egg...it fluffs up. Boy does it fluff up. A winner
Desert would be Bean cheese cake (note no cheese was harmed in the making of this dish) Simply buy a packet of digestive biscuits and place exactly 9 beans on top (note. no more, no less as will affect the flavour)
Vwaloir a veritable feast and winner to boot.

Manicure

Isn't it funny that the things you dread that are coming up, often, or not as bad as they seem, when you finally get to face them. I have to say I was not looking forward to tonight's AGM. After 14 years I had just stood down from fronting one of the finest Big Bands in the Midlands and I dreaded to think what was going to happen. I knew what I wanted to happen and in the end it did. My good friend Dave the sax is taking over the helm and what a great guy to do it. Not only a superb musician, but a great bloke as well. I have the utmost respect for him. I was quite choked tonight by the lovely comments people made about my part in the Band, and for that I am deeply grateful, cos it ain't been easy.
Moving on, I have been asked to dispel a rumour about death. I am often asked, is it true that your hair and nails still grow up to 3 days after death. well no, but it is true that your phone calls taper off!! (fact is the nails and hair do not grow, but the skin recedes, giving the impression that they are still growing.)

Duck

Today I prepared myself up for my yearly challenge...yes it was time to change the Duvet cover on the bed. What the hell is that all about. Why can't they just make the cover with 2 open sides... It is a logistical battle that ends up with just my feet showing from inside the cover and the continental quilt still on the floor. 3 hours later it was in... only to find I had got the cover inside out!! Anyway dashed off to the gig and got there just in time. After a one hour fifteen minute set we took a break. As I had driven myself (and I never drink and drive) I ordered a none alcoholic lager (small bottle) from the hotel bar. As she poured it, I asked her how much I owed her. £3.10 she said with a cheeky smile. hang I said ,from the floor, where I had just fallen. How much is a pint of full bodied, alcoholic ,police stopping, over the limit lager then......£3.10 she said with a wink and a smile (Hmmm was this Ann Robinson on a part time job I thought??) Blinking heck, what with the cost of petrol and the drink I figured I was at least £2.59 out of pocket. Good job I do music for the love of it and not the money.

Menge Two Rodney

Great day today as I became a Dog kidnapper. Well I was dog sitting actually but had a great long walk by the canal with my borrowed friend. Decided I would call into a pub that has been opened and closed more times than a lady of ill reputes legs. I ordered lunch which was greatly over priced and minimal. If I counted how many people were in the pub including myself...well that would be me!!! I asked the 14 year old Barman if they ever had live Band's to entertain. Huh!!! he answered. I said that if he got a small jazz Band in and advertised it well it could drag in the punters. Yeah, he replied picking his nose and scratching the outbreak of acne on his chin. Yeah i will think about it........ If they made the menu a bit more punter friendly then it would draw the customers in. The Lunch menu was one of these arty Farty things with a couple of lettuce leafs and a pea pod for about a thousand pounds! Crikey sometimes the most obvious things are staring people in the face, but because they walk around with a bubble on their heads they have no chance.

A Tenner

It is a little known fact that at the Presidential Dinner in the USA., The new president OBAMA was sat with Bush on one side of him and Clinton on the other. Bush was talking about his first few days in office and how he was surprised about the lavish decor etc in the White House. He said he was particularly impressed with the Gold Urinal which mysteriously disappeared after the first day. Obama turned to Clinton and said 'I think I found the guy who pissed in your Saxophone'??

Good day today. Best sleep for a while last night and never stopped at work today. A Gig this weekend which I am looking forward to and experimenting with some new techniques on embouchure. Training day today so I have kept to my quota this week despite the lack of Zzzzzz's

2 up 2 down

Although I slept about 5 hours last night I feel absolutely drained today. I did spend an hour practicing last night but oh how I wished I lived in a detached property so I could blow my heart out. Instead I have to do it all with a practice mute in. If you blow to hard your ankles swell up!!! Manic at work today but that how i like it. The amount of young people coming in around the FD's at this time is quite frightening. Winter always has been a bad time, especially for those who suffer from SAD or the big 'D' One day I hope they invent a machine that will let the 'well' people experience Depression. Then they will say 'How?'

Insomnus

A manic couple of days. For the last 2 nights I have had about 3 hours sleep total I am used to it, and it will always be with me. After all these years my body has adapted to the lack of sleep. I still train through it though even though I am knackered. Played last night even though I was on Auto pilot. Nothing too challenging. The most challenging thing at the moment is trying to find time to have a look at the show pad. Only 7 musicians in the pit so it is going to be a blow and a half. Completed 2 burial of ashes today plus quite a bit of admin. Roll on the weekend as I am looking forward to the blow Saturday.

Rat a phewy

Another brilliant night at the Oak. The Band were on fire tonight and the room was packed. Enjoyed a couple of solos and a slushy one. Spent a quick hour on the show pad today and it is obvious that I have some work to put in ,to overcome the other problems. Out and about today I bought something called Game Keepers Pie. I had it for tea and immediately wished I hadn't as I felt sick. Roy the wallet told me what was probably in it, but I think he was exaggerating when he said Rat!!! Mind you I did eat horse meat in Belgium once, but did not know until after. An initiation that used to take place in Cyprus amongst all the foreign bases was something called a 'Nig Drink' No this wasn't racist but a term used for a new guy or visitor to the camp. On the roof of the building they would have a liquid container that was filled with stale beer, dead insects, maybe a dead rat or two plus other things I wont mention.That would then marinate for months on end,and yes, you guessed it, you had to drink it. Yummy it was good....not. But a definite character builder!! Hic.

You need hands...

Well tonight was the first official time that I sat with the OBB as a musician. I have to say that it did feel strange, but I also have to say that I thoroughly enjoyed it. The gig was great because most of the audience was made up of theatrical folk, most of whom I know from playing in the pit. Dave the sax did a cracking job, but then again i have been trying to get him to do it full time for the last 2 years. I truly believe that between him and the 2 vocalists they can take the Band onwards and upwards(despite nicking the majority of my jokes lol) I was handed the pad for my first show tonight. Only 7 musicians so it is going to be a long blow. i need to get down to some serious practice over the next month as show work is entirely different to big Band stuff. Strange thing happened in the toilet tonight when our Bass player stood next to me in the toilet, looked across and asked me if i had a spare hand......... luckily he just wanted to give me an envelope, but just for a second I was quite worried. They say that as one door shuts another opens and in the last 2 days I have been offered 4 shows!!!. I know I am at the bottom of the list to be asked, but never the less it is nice to be wanted.

What's in a name?

Sacrea Bleu...I did not practice last night. I decided I would just have a half hour on the game console. 2 Hours later I could not be bothered...
I am never failed to be amazed by people, but on this occasion I may be wrong. When flowers arrive at our premises for Funerals, we make a list for the family. This is a complimentary service and provided out of the goodness of our own hearts! I received a phone call today to tell me that a name was missing off a list that they had received. I asked them if they had actually seen the flowers and the name card at the Funeral and indeed they had. So I asked ' You want me to send a new list with the name on ,so you can show the person who's name it is ,the list with there own name on?' Yes they replied. So I did. Now the person who's name that was missing is Family. They know their own name. The family know their name. there friends know their name!!! But they wanted to read it, typed onto a piece of paper ,that no doubt would be thrown away on the next recycling day?
Sorry but I don't get it?

Germ any

When a person passes away it is normal for 2 doctors to see the body and check if indeed the person has passed on (No one has sat up yet!!!) This can involve checking for a heartbeat with a stethoscope and a visual and hands on check. Rarely have I seen a doctor wash their hands after this process??? Indeed the next patient (living) that they may see will have the same stethoscope put on their bodies!!! It is no wonder therefore, that there is a rise in bugs in hospitals etc? I now make it a New Years resolution to ask the Dr to wash their hands, although I have had some funny looks in doing so. A busy day today with 3 funerals. On one of these the family had asked for 'Day's of wine and Roses' played by Glenn Miller. For some unknown reason we went into the chapel with the strains of Mantovani playing it and no one noticed??? I have always said that some folk live in a bubble and see or hear nothing out of it....but maybe that is a safer and easier way to live than outside it? I am trying a new flexibility exercises in my warm ups now. As yet I have seen no improvement but I will stick at it.

Mine field

Last night I had a few solo's to play/ One was slushy (My favourite) and a couple of jazz solo's (still trying)
I am glad I write things down now as an incident happened last night that depended on it. In March last year we were give a new piece of music to try. It was complete sight reading, and just time to scan down the page to see 24 bars jazz solo on the bone part. As we got towards the solo, I started to stand up, only to find the Tenor player standing up as well.....So I sat down.
At the end of the piece he called over that it was his solo. straight away I marked the part, with the chaps name and that it was a Tenor Solo. Last night the piece came up again (10 months later..). Got to the solo, and suddenly heard shouts from the same Tenor player " It's a trombone solo". Bollocks I thought and sat there waiting for the end of the piece. At the end of the number he shouted across the Band that it was my solo.... I then shouted back with a date and time (and name) that it was his solo and it was in black and white written on part (blue and white actually) . So the matter was closed. Lesson is, never rely on the old memory, write it down.
Mind you he made a better job of it anyway lol.

Dig it?

Am receiving some very nice e mails from past promoters reference my standing down as front man from the Band. It's always nice to know that you have done a good job, and finished on top.
I have managed to do some practice every day since Xmas but my lip still seems very hard and inflexible.
At work we are trying to arrange for a body to be flown back to Ireland. This is quite a task to arrange (Don't worry they don't have their own seat) and lots of paperwork etc to be filled in. The body must be embalmed and the coffin packaged in a set way. Most people do not realise, that when they are on a plane, there is a good chance there will be an unseen passenger or 2 in the hold of the plane!!!!! I suppose if the plane crashed this could cause some confusion??? . We are very busy at work. Myself and a colleague had to dig a hole for an ash's casket burial today. The ground is also an old burial site, and we are often digging up pieces of bone etc. They are always placed back in the ground though and a little prayer is said.

New Beginnings

Hello and welcome to a brand new blog. This Blog takes over from one that I have written over the course of a year whilst fronting a Dance Band. After 12 years of fronting the Band I have decided to concentrate on my Trombone playing and sit back within the Band. My resignation only went in this week so I am still going to be finding my feet for a few months yet.
My close friends know how much it has taken to stand in front of a Band. It is a lonely place out there, especially when it goes wrong. However many years ago I decided I would try and create something a little different for the Band, to set them apart from the rest. I got the Band to agree to wear full USA uniform ,added some choreography and audience participation and told a few jokes. Spent hours and hours on the Internet making contacts and gathering new material, and purchased hundreds of joke books. (But only a few jokes were workable and some not as I once found out to my cost)
The Band is now the busiest on the circuit. Job done. You know in yourself though when you have gone far enough with a project. I knew this over 2 years ago, but thanks to some Muppet causing trouble, I stayed on until the Band settled again. What I could not do in my last blog was talk about my job and music as honestly as I would have liked, so hopefully in this new blog I can be totally honest about myself and my life. Writing things down can be very therapeutic and you can learn things about yourself. My Trombone playing at this time, for me at least, is under par. My outlook on life has changed radically after losing a close friend a year ago. Being an undertaker is also at the other end of the emotional scale as well. I have seen some things that you may never see in your worst nightmares. However keep reading as I give you an honest insight into how I think and how the job and music affect my life. This Blog wont be daily as the last blog, as it is to time consuming and I have other projects that have been on the back boiler that I want to have a go at. So for now welcome to post one!!!