Cobblers

You know, I have some extremely clever mates. One of them who read yesterdays Blog, informs me that 'Last Legs' is connected to shoe makers. The 'Last' was a tool that was used to hold the shoe whist it was soled. The Last stood on 3 legs. So when the thing was knackered, the 'Last' was considered to be on it's last legs and this was adapted to people who were very poorly. See, it's an education here.
Now I know I am slowing down in my old age, but this takes the McVitie. I got home from Band last night and sat down to have a glass of wheat free lemonade!! when I noticed a silver line going up my trouser leg. I followed it up and about 3 inches from my Chipolata and 2 Veg was a slug??? I don't know how long he had been there, or indeed what his intentions were? However after the Hamster and ear Lobe incident, I was taking no chances.
A very strange day indeed.

Titanic.

A burial today and to be honest I know now why I prefer the other. Despite valiant attempts by the Grave Diggers (sorry Sexton's) the grave kept filling with water. As we lowered the coffin it almost floated. Nothing anyone could do about it as they were pumping out until the last second. I usually give instructions if it is own bearers. However on this occasion they were adamant they knew what they were doing and needed no instruction. So after the coffin was on their shoulder I politely asked one of them to turn around as he was facing the wrong way!!!!
Remember the HSBC ATM fraud fiasco? Well my neighbours were done yet again from the same machine (yes I know) and I received a phone call today from a Representative of the Bank to try and explain how the ATM could keep getting compromised over a month period. She was a little out of her depths with the answers to my questions but basically she was inferring that even the Bank staff do not know how to identify a compromised machine? We stand no chance then. Mind you after bombarding them with e mails ,any answer is better than none?
I can't understand why the majority of the British just accept things if they go wrong?
A quaint phrase was used today. We were told that someone was on their last legs!!
Now how many pairs of legs do we get. Ok toddlers legs is one I suppose. Drunk legs is another. But listen if the Post Office van arrives with a parcel for you and they tell you it is your 'Last Legs' then don't accept it????

Kangaroo

A great gig last night at the Oak as well. The Band are really on form and I am really pleased with the bones. Since I have stopped fronting and no longer jumping up and down with the mic they are much more settled.
In Funeral world ,we are extremely busy at the moment. Again this PC Country that we live in, is having an effect on how we arrange funerals. A family really needed to have a Funeral booked before they all went on holiday. Even in our business there is a tremendous amount of paperwork. We have to ring and book Crem forms and forms for the Doctors to sign etc. Now the departments who deal with this do not like being rushed and they tut and groan if we ask politely if they can prioritise one of these bereaved families. This is where it is all wrong. If it was a person of ethnic minority and a certain religion then the forms are rushed through???? no questions asked. You work it out!

Foot Off

You see, my idea of a balanced meal, was a Burger King in each hand?
All that has to stop now and for my first meal today it was Rye Bread and Rice Krispies (usually the only snap crackle and pop are my knees when I crouch down?) Now I can only compare eating Rye Bread to that of eating an old tramps Insole (close!). However on a positive note I have found a beer that does not contain Wheat! However it works out at about £12 a pint!!
We were ooop North playing last night. the Band were on great form and it was a shame that we spent as long playing as we did travelling. This could have been rectified if the Buffet had not dragged on so long ( will organisers never learn). About 6 deps in the Band so it was a credit to them all that they gelled with the Band perfectly.
I have had a sudden thought. I bet ya any money Easter Eggs contain bloody Wheat as well.

Wheat a Minute

Well I trundled off to take my Food Intolerance test this morning. After an hours consultation (and the life story of the ladies divorce who was doing the test?) and a test for about 80 different things these are the results.
It would appear that I am allergic to Rubber!!!! which is now going to completely destroy the weekends for me? (only joking)
I am allergic to Cauliflower?????? So the root based aftershave that I put behind my ears (get it?) will also have to go.
The main factor that the test showed is that my body is not reacting well to Wheat. Now in a mili second I did a calculation and realised that BEER contains wheat...arghhhhhh. Actually I have not had a drop in over a week. The good news is that I can drink copious amounts of Red Wine ha.
The bad news is, after spending 2 hours in Tesco trying to find food that does not contain Wheat, i came out with a packet of Farleys Rusks. Yum.
I have to try and stay wheat less for 14 days to see what happens to my Digestive system so watch this space. I have put some weight on so this may help. I have quite small feet though and apparently feet don't grow well in the shade?
Went to flicks last night to Watch Alice in Blunderland. So so film but the horrific thing was (will i ever learn) a small bag of chocs (with wheat) and a bottle of water cost me £6.50p.
Was looking forward to the new TV programme searching for a new Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. Now I know we have to be Politically correct now in case we offend anyone, but I found it ludicrous that some of the applicants were, lets say. of a different shade to Judy Garland. Now this is silly as if they decide to make a musical of the life of Louis Armstrong then will Michael Ball or Daniel o Donnel get the part??? I think not!

The Rev Erse

We have done a few back to front Cremations but never a back to front Burial. That is until today. A back to fronter is when the body is taken to the Crematorium a small service is held and then the mourners go on to the church (without the coffin) and have a service.
Today's was a burial so the coffin was buried first then the service took place in Church.. Trouble was I went on ahead with service sheets and to meet the out of town vicar. He asked where the coffin went in church and I started to explain forgetting that it wasn't even going into church Doh!!! I did realise my mistake and ran back to inform him, but I felt a right prat.
Busy weekend in the music world coming up and many miles to travel. I have my food intolerance test Sat. I am hoping they say that I am allergic to all food except Lager?

Hail

I made myself do an hour of exercise last night even though I was knackered. Add to that an hours practice and taking the Hamster for a walk and the night had gone???
It does seem to be a case of get up go to work come home and go to bed at the moment but maybe that's life.
The big discussion on the radio/tv at the moment is the 2 B's! Budget and Bhurkas? The first, as always, is just another mane for daylight robbery.The other (in my humble opinion) should not be allowed out and about in the public domain. If I enjoyed wearing stockings and suspenders I would not go town in them (actually they give me a nasty rash at the top of my thighs?) and the other point is it is a security issue. It should be a case of when in Rome me thinks?

Walking Stick

Did you know that Charlie Chaplins body was nicked and held to ransom by theives? They kept dropping thier ransom demand but kept using the same area to phone from, so the police nabbed them and got old Charlie back. To play safe and to make sure it never happened again they encased his coffin in concrete???

Stood with the police today on traffic control for a large Funeral. it was amusing to see drivers come around the corner, spot the police and the Hearse and drop their mobile phones they were using. One lady was nicked for not wearing a seat belt. My pet hate (of many) are motorists using mobiles when driving and the police said they could make loads of dosh if they just concentrated on that alone? I said it would be a good idea if they took an Undertaker with them and show these morons pictures of those killed my drivers using mobile phones.....!!!

I hope this food intolerance test throws up something (sic) as my toilet habits are getting me down now? I should be about 5 stone now with the way things are but i haven't lost an ounce? Actually I do eat quite a bit and always have 2 glasses of water with my dinner. One is to drink and the other to cool down my fork?

One up

This new book I am reading about different world burial customs is really fascinating. It would seem that we are a little staid in this Country in celebrating the life of the departed. In Venezuela they even build a one room house above the grave and fill it with items from the persons house who is buried there. This can also include Radios , TV and DVD players. It serves 2 purposes. The family believe that their loved one will rise up and relax in the room when they want to, plus the family can sit in the room and talk about their loved one? Seems a great idea to me. However if we did this in our Country then the DVD player would soon be nicked and squatters would soon move in.
Managed a half hour practice last night and some flexibilities so back in the groove again.
I am still pressuring the Bank for an explanation on why their ATM was allowed to be compromised over 24 hours without Bank staff realising. I have now got in contact with the Banking Ombudsman which miraculously has made the Bank answer my e mail. I am like a bloody Rottweiler when I get my teeth into something and I never forget if someone wrongs me. Be afraid be very afraid!!!!

Fiesta

I suddenly realised why I was so tired at the end of the week. Last week I moved 5 ton of Hardcore by hand (No this is not my stash of risque magazines under my bed by the way)
We are building a new car park and all the bricks and concrete that is dumped, has to be moved by hand. I have just finished another ton today and am throwing bricks further so I must be getting stronger. All this with sensitive musicians hangs tsk.
Did not get a break at Band yesterday as we had 2 different clients wanting to speak to me about future gigs. One of them brought a support act with them and he was asking more questions about using our PA than the organisers trying to sort the gig out. I told him that he could use a couple of channels for vocals, but once we are set up we really did not want our levels changing as our poor old PA technician is overworked enough.
Turns out that the group have now dropped out of the gig??? I don't know the reasons but can only assume he heard our Band play and they had to follow us!!!!!
Old Barney the Hamster now has a ball to whiz around the room in and he is getting a right confident little git. I used to have one in the Sergeants Mess in the Army and he used to trundle down the corridor visiting other Senior Ranks ahh!

Edgar

Continuing yesterdays blog about being buried alive. The Victorians were paranoid about it (and rightly so as one lady was buried alive although all she had done was consumed to much Brandy!!). So much so that weird contraptions were invented for those that were convinced it might happen to them. One device involved having a small hole bored in the coffin lid. Into this was inserted a very long tube with a two way valve and wire that was attached to a flag. If the corpse woke up then all they had to do was blow into the tube to open the valve and pull the wire and the flag would shoot out the top of the tube alerting, the no doubt terrified visitor in the Cemetery
I have no evidence that anyone woke up to do this?
Even today some people are buried with a mobile phone. We did ring one of these that we buried one day and it was engaged?
However the best way would be as Errol Flynn did. 6 bottles of fine malt whisky were put in the coffin with him. At least if he woke up he could have a bit of a party?
Wish I had not bothered practicing last night as my lip was terrible? Fluffed and cracked notes? Mind you as I am not firing on 4 valves again I totally expected this and just have to ride it out.
Looking back at my Family tree I noticed that I had a relative who wanted to be a Farmer. He wanted to raise Chickens so he bought 3000 of them. They all unfortunately died? he figured that maybe he had planted them all ,to close together?

Poe

After a lousy nights kip I went to visit my old dad. He cheered me up by giving me an article to read about being buried alive (he was an Undertaker as well so he finds it fascinating). Most people think that this only happened in Victorian times but as recently as last month a Funeral Operative noticed a movement on a body just before they were about to seal the coffin!!!!!! Yes the guy was alive but had been in a deep coma. (if he had eaten curry would he have been in a Korma?)
Actually I have watched some of the doctors do the 'Death Check' and over three quarters of them don't do it properly. Those that do use a stethoscope never seem to disinfect it afterwards (the next time it could be used on a patient urghhh) and over half have to be reminded to wash their hands?
Although I felt like the living dead this morning had a great trip into the Peak District and a really nice day all in all. Quality times are rare but unforgettable.
Going to practice for half an hour now.
By the way it's important to remember when exercising. Start slowly and then taper off!!

Mayday

I have been struggling for the last couple of days, with a flare up of the old problem. It's never really gone away but I have had some clear pain free days which were just great. I have a letter that says that if symptoms have not disappeared in 10 weeks then to make another appointment. Well on the 7th week now so time running out for things to heal. i have also booked a food intolerance test in a couple of weeks to see if anything I am eating is causing these symptoms?

We do not usually get involved with the reasons of why and what happened, in the Funeral industry. But I have been touched by a recent Funeral of an ex soldier who passed away recently. He was only young and with a lovely family. By the time they had got the diagnosis right it was to late for him (how often have I seen this?) He was a nice guy. It only seems to happen to the nice ones ,so thank goodness I have been a little bad in my younger years which might help to edge my bets???

Furry Danglers

Since a kid I have always enjoyed making people laugh. Either by telling jokes, acting the fool , this Blog or through me playing trombone!!!
So have a chuckle at this.
Last night in my ever continuing efforts to train Barney the Siberian Hamster, I had him sat on my shoulder. As I sat sipping a nice glass of red wine that had just come out the fridge!!
I suddenly felt a searing pain in my ear and blood started gushing out. Attached to my ear lobe was of course Barney, who had obviously thought that my dangly lug hole was a nice tasty treat?
It took me ages to stem the flow of blood. I am actually considering getting another Hamster and getting them both to dangle off my lobes as furry ear rings. I am sure it would catch on as a fashion statement?

By the way I often talk about people being in a bubble and not seeing anything around them apart from their own safe world. Take a look at the above (click on the title) to see an example

Up em!!!

Apparently the UK economy is so bad now that they have started to put anti depressants in Macdonalds Happy meals?

Actually I haven't had a rise in over 2 years and yet every other bill is soaring up and up? Petrol next is about to be slated and goodness knows what the good old Budget will throw up (or we might throw up when we hear)
Yet as British people we will just grin and bear it and pay it. instead of just saying 'No' enough is enough?

Local radio this morning was discussing putting up blue signs on houses where celebrity's have lived/worked. One that was mentioned was Arthur Lowe (Capt Mainwaring) I texted the programme as due to an occupational interest I knew that his ashes had been scattered in a churchyard in the area. It is also sad that his wife, preferred to go on stage at night than attend his Funeral? Arthur Lowe used to have a severe case of Narcolepsy and would often fall asleep on stage half way through his lines. A fellow actor would have to nudge him to get him started again! Must have been a stressful time for the other actors.
Enjoyed my blow last night and nearly over my mourning period of not being a 1st player anymore. I could not follow the new player now if I tried as he is so bloody talented.
6 Funerals in 2 days to attend to now so all hands to the puttocks?

Do Do.

This credit card fraud episode has caused me no end of problems and time. Firstly I have had to open a new account and send a dispute off to the Bank to get my money bank. I also have to find my original policy documents to change them and I have hunted high and low but can't find them anywhere? grrrr which means I now have to get about a million signatures to prove I am me???? I know I am me because I checked when I got out of bed this morning. However they would not accept this logic? So I am not a happy teddy at this time.
Took me about 6 hours to hand tame barney and I only lost 1 finger.
As for Dog walking. Well a neighbour took the dogs out for 4 walks in the day. they did not do one poo! Yep, on my go both of them went. I think they had been fed on tree trunks. And I put my hand in it..........

Measles

Driving to work today, I was thinking of Barney the Hamster with his little suitcase packed ready to be picked up tonight? I remember when I was a Lad (cue Largo New World Symphony) and my Mum and Dad bought me a Hamster (out of my pocket money. I actually wanted a copy of fiesta but they would not buy it me). we knew nothing about them but were horrified to see it at night all puffed up as if it had mumps!!!! Straight to the PDSA who obviously took the p*ss. How were we to know they stored food in pouches?
Lovely that the bank with the compromised ATM have been in touch to clarify what happened........not!! So I have written to the paper and the local radio and I ain't letting go until i get an answer.
Having to walk my neighbours 2 dogs tonight as they are away. I can guarantee that even though another neighbour has taken them out in the day, that they will both save their biggest poo until i take them out?
By the way Barney is now settling in and is fast asleep in his new home ahhhhh. Should make a tasty snack later on tonight.........

Water with it.

And still the year is fraught with problems. My poor old dad had a fall outside and damaged his hand and back. I managed to strap his hand up and all the injurys appear to be bruising but will have to keep my eye on him.
Poor old Barney the Syrian Hamster is still in captivity until next week as the new cage has not arrived. However my partner wants a loan of him already. With working at the funeral home I have an abundance of resources for the cage. Plenty of sawdust I can cadge and shreded paper for the bedding!!!
We have a bit of a break this weekend from Banding but then the Roller Coaster ride begins. Keeping up the practice every night where possible and motivated by the play a long CD's.
Busy week next week with sorting the Bank problem out, looking after the neighbours 2 dogs and a busy week at work (I think).
I texted a local radio programme with a question on Friday. We were talking at work about number plates. I said that normally 2 plates are issued on new cars a year. For example this year started with 59 then changed to 09? So I wondered what happens this year with the number plate 10??
Well the programme came up with the answer. Apparently it starts with 10 then half way through goes to 60? See it's an edukation this Blog?

Magpie

I think that I mentioned in a previous Blog, that 2010 was turning out to be a crap year thus far.
I think my neighbours agree. They used a local ATM not far from where we live and it had been compromised and they lost a substantial amount of money before the Bank realsied. I felt sorry for them but had not realised that I had also used the same machine a few days later?
Yep my whole account had been drained. I only found out when I went to make a withdrawal. Turns out the Bank had written to me (not phoned?) to tell me my account was empty and they had blocked the card. The letter was waiting for me when I returned after being informed personally?
They knew the Bank ATM in question and loads of people had been done. I had drawn cash in daylight on a Friday? So why did the Bank not do a security check when they opened up? My mate had been done the day before so the false fascia had been there at least 2 days???? These slugs clone the card then high tailed it to Northampton to make multiple withdrawals (same for my mate)
Now I have to open a new account and try and claw the money back from the Bank.
I just want 10 minutes with these thieving scumbags (it has been proved that they are from another country but I still wont be drawn into being racist) in an empty room. I can guarantee they would never do it again?
This Country is advertised to other countries as the Land of Milk and Honey. Not for us anymore though?

Tanks for the memories

I had to take my Goldfish to the vets last night. The vet said 'What's wrong with it?'
It keeps having epileptic fits I replied.
He looks fine to me replied the vet.
I haven't taken him out of the bowl yet I said?

Had a session with Lara Croft last night and my partner joined in...yes a threesome with 2 humans and a computer generated character...but great fun.

Just realised that on one of the furthest gigs the Band is playing at this year, the clocks go forward that night. A short nights sleep there then. But hey, that's the life of a musician. When most folk are fast asleep we are travelling some dark lonely road back to our families and Hamsters!!!

Basil

I suppose that I take it for granted that I know more about what happens behind the scenes in Undertaking than most folk. We try and advise where possible to make life easier for the bereaved...but they don't always listen. On a removal this week, a family insisted on staying in the room whilst we prepared the body for removal. Now seeing a loved one taken away on a stretcher whilst still alive is traumatic enough, never mind someone who has just departed this life. Because the house was difficult to negotiate we assess the situation as to what stretcher is safest to use. Mainly for our own safety but also for the dignity of getting the body out of the premises.
. Whatever stretcher we use, we always line it with plastic. When we move a body it sometimes has lost control of bodily functions so lining the stretcher is paramount as not to make a mess in the house. As soon as we lifted the deceased into the bag a lady screamed 'Oh they are putting her/him in a plastic bag'........It was very upsetting for us never mind the family. There are some things that are best not seen and we should be allowed to carry out our work in a dignified manner as it is a harrowing job on some occasions anyway. I wish people would listen and take our advice.
To cheer myself up I have decided to take on a lodger. Now I can guarantee I will not charge them rent and they will live in a small room of their own. The lodger is from Syria and is very cute. They will be known as Barney.
Ok it's a Hamster and I am just waiting for the delivery of the cage so I can go fetch him but hey it's company.
Just getting into a good session of practice last night when my Dad rang to say his telly had blown up and had I got a spare one. 10 minutes later they were watching tv again even though I nearly got myself another hernia moving my spare telly.

Apparently Australian Boffins have crossed a Turkey with a Kangaroo so it can be stuffed from the outside? What will they think of next?

Change is as good as..

There is no doubt in my mind that I am a complex character. Regarding Trombone playing I have always regarded myself as an average player. It was therefore a hard decision to bring in another lead player for the Tuesday Band, as I could not find a permanent 3rd bone player to keep the section going after ours left.. I also knew that the new guy played phenomenal jazz and I could not follow him in that respect. Audiences who pay money certainly deserve the best and last night they got it. So much so ,that I was aware that I can never take the lead seat again in that Band and a dep of equal talent has to be found to keep that superb continuity. Now some folk might think that I am being mardy, but I am being totally honest with myself. The Big Band audiences ain't daft and the thought of them clapping out of polite sympathy regarding a cavernous gaps between standards is awful? I always listen to my instincts and try and follow them wherever possible. I suppose I can be considered as a bit of a 'Nanny'. I looked after the Sunday night Band from a toddler to adult hood and changed roles when my instinct told me I had done enough. Comparatively in the Tue night Band I have gone as far as I can and have known that for a while. I still love playing, but also I am a frustrated player. I practice every day but if I live to 100 I will never be able to play like the new guy. This is just another learning curve and I am not too proud to know my place in life. I love music and will always love music. Just another day with different scenery?

Upsatirs Downstairs

Not a happy teddy today. Lousy sleep and guts last night which maybe down to me finding a Xmas Pud in my fridge and deciding I would just have a mouth full.....Half a pud later I went to bed!!! Only myself to blame.
Having got about 2 hours sleep and almost gassing myself in the night (work it out) I got up for work longing for knock off time to come quick. The day went fairly fast and just before I was due to finish a removal came in.
My instinct told me that it was going to be a challenging one cos I was knackered...and it was.
Health and Safety does not seem to cover us at all and we have to lift heavy weights in dangerous positions and not the standard bent legs straight back. Sometimes it's impossible, hence me having an hernia from a removal many years ago (one that I remember well). It was very difficult but we managed it with as much dignity as we could, all be it we were panting like lap dogs.

Dinghy joke

Two old biddies were standing on the deck of a cruise liner. Both were a bit Deaf. One old dear turns to the other and asks where everyone had gone. To Dance to the Band she replies. Oh I did not know they had a Band she says. Oh yes says the other. it came over the speakers half an hour ago............ A Band on Ship now!!!

One of our members of the Band surprised us all by composing, arranging and writing out a new piece for the Band. It just shows the hidden talents that we have in the OBB. Hope we can get it published on You Tube for him so everyone can hear it.

Two Funerals today but that is about it for the week. Dire indeed.
Self Demoted to second tomorrow night so I will see how long I can stick it for then make a decision what to do.

Ar sow

We only get one life and I firmly believe we should experience as many things as we can whilst living it (apart from being a kamikaze pilot as that is a short term project!)
Yesterday was Karaoke and last night we launched a massive Chinese Lantern into the skies (available at all good retail stores from 99p). This is a large paper balloon but square shaped. Underneath in a cradle is a fuel source that has to be lit. You then hold the balloon until you feel the hot air taking control and release it into the sky (they are being used more and more on Funerals these days) You then make a wish. I don't know what my partners wish was, but as I saw the balloon heading towards a neighbours roof I was wishing that the Fire brigade were close at hand.
Great fun and very therapeutic as well.
Missed out on practice yesterday which always frustrates me so will have to play longer today.

My neighbours have a very viscous dog, He is so viscous he ate a tyre off my car. Trouble was the tyre was still in the boot?

Pigs

It's amazing. I go shopping in a town 20 miles away and see more musicians than I see in my own town. Both of them did not recognize me until I removed my beanie hat and flashed my bald pate at them?
Also did something I have wanted to do for ages. In the shopping centre they have an X Factor booth where you can record your own DVD of yourself singing a pop song. I have always wanted to croon 'Losing My Religion' by REM. Today I got the chance much to the embarrassment of my partner and to the amusement of the kids hanging around the booth? Anyway I think I did a pretty good job of it until we got home. On the first DVD player it would not play. On the second it runs too fast and I sound like Pinky and Perky??? So I need to find a decent player to see if it is half decent and Simon Cowell will be straight on the phone? Or the other!!!!.
More bookings coming in for the Band when I was out and about and my partner had to become secretary for a while as I was driving.
I said to the Doctor. 'How long have I got'?
He replied 'Ten'
I said 'What? Ten years Ten Months???
He said '9 8 7 6 ..................................

Coffin Shop

I can't believe a new web site has opened called funeralhumour.co.uk Selling all sorts of things from Hearse Driver mugs to embalming fluid hip flasks (which of course you put your own tipple into) I can't make my mind up if this is sick or appeals to my warped sense of humour? Still I might buy the T Shirt that has 'Embalmer's Make Funeral Directors Look Good'!!! emblazoned on the front??
Thank goodness it is POETS day. If you do not know what this means (where have you been all your life?) It means p**s off early tomorrow's Saturday.

Qualcast

Just heard that my Doctor lost all his money on the horses. In desperation he went to rob a bank but no one could read his hold up note!

Funeral world wise, we are still not as busy as we should be at this time of the year. The day drags when there is nothing to do and it's extremely hard to look busy when there is nothing to do.
I got told off for not dusting the other day. I don't even dust in my own home. That is until the ornaments fall over.

Had my alarm serviced yesterday It took 45 minutes and 42 of them was listening to the guy telling me the story of how his wife ran away with another bloke and what he wanted to do to them.
Not sure if that is great customer service, but I managed to convince him that it wasn't worth it. He isn't the first and he wont be the last. Some women/men think the grass is greener on the other side. But it still needs bloody mowing at some point.

Raffles

I have never had much faith in what I sound like as a bone player. It really is true that it seems that the audiences have more faith in me than I ever had in myself which to me , has always been a mystery.
However it was nice last night when a chap told me that Tommy Dorsey would have been proud of me in the way i played a solo. I get embarrassed at compliments but it was ironic that last night was probably my last as a lead player with the Tue Band. The only way to fill the section is to bring another lead player in. My first choice is poorly and could not do it and my second choice is available, and he can. A brilliant jazzer etc etc and it would be unthinkable to put him on second. So there you are. i just get the hang of this solo lark and now i am going back to where I started lol.

Trouble today as my Boss got burgled. The thieving scum bags broke his door in and stole a large TV. The only good thing is that they left footprints in the soil and dropped a torch, which hopefully, there will be some prints on.
My boss has now got to replace a door and window and TV all for these parasites to score a drug or two?

I told my mate today that I was seeing spots in front of my eyes.
He asked me if I had seen a Doctor.
I said no, only spots?

Weeeeee

How's your ass I hear you cry. Well I would just like to say it is a lot better. I would like to say this but it still feels as though a regiment of hedgehogs are camped out up there. What am I going to do??? Well grin and bear it I suppose what other options do I have?

My partner had a wii for her birthday (yes she was bursting) So I spent 2 hours last night playing Tennis, Golf, Bowling and dancing like a prat, to see what my biological age was. I am a very fit 103 years old by all accounts and felt like it when I crawled out of my pit this morning.

Trouble in the Trombone world. A regular member of the Tuesday Band is leaving. As i have no one to fill the seat I am going to have to bring a lead player in and demote myself to second. I have no problem with this as I relax a little more and maybe pick up a few tips from the new guy.

Also a fellow bone player is ill in hospital at the moment so I send him my best regards and hope he gets better soon.

When I went to the Doctors for my anual check up he said to my partner that he didn't like the look of me. She replied that she didn't either!!!

Flob a Lob

I forgot to mention, that Saturdays gig was for a more mature audience. Average age would have been about 75 years old. In the other function room was the Salvation Army Dinner...and yet the venue had a big burly bouncer, poised for any sign of trouble???
In our 'do' 90% of the room were sipping tonic waters and you could hear them mutter 'oooh we don't drink us old un's'
Why was it then that when the raffle was drawn and the table laden with bottles of booze went quicker than a playground full of kids running away from an approaching 8 year old Gordon Brown???
I bought a ticket and was left with the jar of Ovaltine!
Had a go at a technically difficult solo by Bill Watrous. I played it more like Bill and Ben ,but was secretly quite pleased with it. See this is a premonition as I may have to do it again with the other band who do not want it conducting? So watch this space to see how it goes (I think I know already).