Flat Cap

Even though this says Sat it is 1.22am on Sunday morning (USA hosted)
A very good gig tonight and I thoroughly enjoyed the blow.
In the Band we have a chap who is very accident prone. The accidents actually never involve his own personal injury, but others around him. He is notorious for knocking drinks over and more famously banging into the Trumpet stands and mic's?
Seems as though it was my turn tonight.
I put up with him nearly removing my glasses and poking my eye out as he took his heavy USA uniform off. I even smiled when he banged his elbow into my pint glass as I was taking a sip. Almost knocking my front teeth out. But the icing on the cake was when he sat on my Uniform Hat!
I have had that hat for 14 years and his big hairy derriere plonked its sweaty cheeks on top of it.
Frankly it will never be the same again!!
Foolishly I am taking a new solo to the Band on Sunday which is a tad challenging. But maybe I am trying to motivate myself a bit more out of the doldrums....or I have a death wish?
A chap came up tonight and asked why we were called the Ockbrook Big Band?? Turns out he has been visiting the Royal Oak for many years and had never heard of us. This is despite the fact that the Landlord(and lady) have big chalk board up ,advertising us every week.
Just proves my point that some folk live in a 'bubble' and only see a few inches in front of their own lives. Gosh sometimes I wish I could have been like that. Instead my radar is scanning yards ahead and never stops. Thanks HMF!

Yellow Lions

I have thought of a new programme for the telly! It is very similar to the Coach Trip series which is running on Channel 4. Same sort of idea but everyone on board has IBS and the toilet is out of order? Would make cutting edge TV me thinks.

Amidst a bad atmosphere at work we were talking about the trainer who had been killed by a Killer Whale in Orlando. I said that the clue was in the animals name? It's as daft as sticking your head in a Lions mouth (only tried this once and the Lions breath was rancid)

Been to recce a gig location. We start playing at 8pm and the public car park becomes free of charge at 7.51pm. I asked a Traffic Warden that if we got there at 7.15pm would we get away with it. Using his Council brain (contradiction) he said 'Nah you will still get a ticket cos we work to 7.45pm. Ah Great Britain.

Get Well

So I said to the Specialist 'How do I stand?' and she replied 'That's what puzzles me!!!'

A very loyal supporter of the OBB is in hospital poorly at this time. All the Band send there wishes for a speedy recovery.

The picture on the left must sum up a bad day in the Funeral world?

Anybody

Well at least we have an honest doctor in the area. On the Death Certificate where it says 'Cause of Death' he signed his own name.

Today has been extremely frustrating and I cant even say why as I would get in trouble. All I can write is that a travesty of justice has gone on for to long and one day I will write it all down to show people. i am only glad that I keep a diary and write everything down. It's not just me that feels this but my friends as well. Cryptic I know but if I could write some of the things that have gone off, you would not believe it and yet others get the blame?

My cold came quick and is on it's way out. However another one of my inherited Family Genes has given me a cold sore the size of a 5p piece, just where my mouthpiece rests? I practiced for half an hour last night and left half my lip attached to the steel? (yes I am a brave little soldier lol) My Mum used to get horrendous Cold Sores and especially at Summer so looks like I get it from her amongst other goodies. Ah well I still have to laugh to myself it's the only way to survive.

Missing Link

I have this rash so the doctor gave me some cream. When I went back he looked at it and asked me if I had been using the cream? I said no as the tube said 'Apply Locally' and I have been out of town all week?

Now the real story. A letter finally arrived today from the specialist.
The line that got me. is as follows.

' I am pleased to report that significant abnormality has been identified'???

Now the more observant will notice there is a word missing between 'that' and 'significant'

I am assuming that he would not have written 'pleased' if the missing word was 'a' and I am assuming it should be 'no'

The more worrying thing is, what if the person who typed the letter checked the scan!!!!!!

All I have to do now is try and find out why a porcupine is still living up my bum?

Chuckie

My Doctor has now told me that Eggs are not good for the Heart? Well to be honest I have never seen a Chicken with a Pacemaker fitted so I am going to keep eating them.

16 days now and still no letter from the Hospital. To be honest, although I am relieved, there seems to be no change in the problem and now I am getting frustrated. My next course of action is to take a food intolerance test and see if that is causing it. I will get to the bottom of it haaaa.

Congratulations today to the driver who overtook 6 mourners cars my Limo and the Hearse, just so he could deliver a package a couple of hundred yards beyond us? I think he had a touch of guilt as he crawled over to the passenger side to get out and would not look at us. Git!!!

Cold is much better today and only got through 100 sheets of tissue.

Bats

Apparently my doctor has said that I have a very long life ahead of me but only if I eat sensibly, excercise and most importantly ...stay away from natural causes.


I have the Siamese Flu. Well a slight exaggeration. No doubt a couple of the snotty kids who played the children of the King of Siam gave it me? Could not sleep for snuffling then when I did get off I had to chisel my nose open this morning yuk.

A great AGM last night and all went extremely smoothly which just goes to show that the more you dread something, the better it always turns out to be. On that note, I am still chasing up my Doctor to see what the specialist has said. I am nowhere near as worried as I was 2 weeks ago although some of the problem still exists?

Back to work today and like the film 4 weddings and a Funeral it was 1 Cremation and a Burial. I had to go up in the Belfry and play a CD from there as the coffin came in. All my work mates could hear was me sneezing and snuffling amongst the bell ropes. Hot Toddy tonight (the music not the drink as I enjoy clapping on my own!!)

I asked the Doctor how my body compared to other men of my age. He asked 'Living or Dead'

A cold bug was flying around the show from the start last Sunday? I managed to avoid it until last night, when it crept up on me from behind and leaped into my system.

Always sad when a show ends and I was shocked to hear last night that a regular member of the company had passed away.
I bumped into another musician during the week and she said she was going to get in touch with me to ask if I wanted to conduct their Concert Band. Nice to be thought of but I am far to busy with other things at the moment and anyway I have not done any conducting since leaving the Army so have forgotten more than I remember.
The dreaded AGM tonight which I have affectionately renamed A Good Moan. Hope it's painless.

Sigh oh me's

Above is a link (click on title)sent by a friend giving you a good idea of what my guts have been like over the last 3 years. If you substitute the Olympics for Town or Holiday etc it is not far wrong.
Nearly the end of the show and as usual I am dreading going back to the real world. If only I could do this instead it would be a great life? Ah well I am privileged to have been asked to take part anyway so I can't grumble (well I can and probably will until I drop).
I have decided to lose a little weight soon. I went to the doctors with a rash around my stomach. It turned out to be a steering wheel burn?

Letters Pray

Almost 2 weeks now since I have been zapped by nuclear rays. Having had to do some ringing around it would seem that the specialist has written to my Doctor. Now how would I have known this by not doing some detective work? On the positive side that would mean to me ,that the problem is not as serious as I imagined it could be (as 99% of the things I worry about never come true I am going to keep on worrying) but whatever is causing this pain and soreness still has not been explained. The dangly things they worked on should have disappeared in a few weeks ago but as yet nothing has been noticed nor slid down my leg!!! In fact it has got more uncomfy since they messed around with me, causing me to fidget in my seat whilst playing in the show . The orchestra think I am rocking to the music ,where as I am actually trying to get in a comfy position ,that does not feel like a size 8 knitting needle being shoved up my poor bot!
Oh well I just have to grin and bear it until I get some form of communication from the doc.
Played ok last night but no real high stuff. I am still getting a laugh with the new gliss I am having to put in? Why are Trombones just recognised for the 'Acrobat' type of playing??
My week is nearly finished and soon it will be back to normality of 'dead world' etc. I know that I seriously want to change my life but the UK is in such a state there are no roads that lead that way? I mean, I tried to give up drinking beer once. It was the worse 4 hours of my life!

Out Numbered

It's a bum day today and I mean that quite literally! I don't know what the guy did up there a couple of weeks ago, but it feels as though it involved scaffolding and a family of porcupines.
To cheer myself up I have been round a working Farm. Having had a bacon buttie for lunch I then had the audacity to go and talk to the pigs, they obviously not realising I had just devoured one of their own!!!!.
Got to the show last night to find I had been given 3 fillers to play. The MD had written 1 to 3 by them so obviously I played the first one ,then as he brought the baton down I played the 2nd one. Only he had forgotten to tell me that my pieces were actually 1 3 and 5!!! So I completely obliterated the clarinet players bit, much to the delight of the other musicians? Yep it can only happen to me.
We are coming up to the dreaded Band AGM. I love these meetings ,not, as they can go on for ages. I have always said, that if it aint broke then leave the superglue in the tube???

Julie Andrews

Those that don't really know me, think that I am a confident chappy. Those that do know me, know differently. Imagine sitting in all these shows that I do ,surrounded by musicians who, 90% are music teachers etc. Musicians who regularly do 4 to 15 shows a year. (I do 2 at most) Imagine the difference between Big Band playing and working under a conductor with more orchestral connotations. Ok you get the picture. So over the years I have just about held my own, although some stuff has been challenging to my character and my playing. So why then at last nights performance did this happen?
The first half went off ok but during the performance my phone was buzzing away in my pocket. In the break I had to make 3 calls on Big Band Business. Just had time to neck a coffee and sit down for second performance. It was then that the conductor called across the orchestra 'G I want to see you at the end of the performance for a couple of minutes'!!!!!!!! Arghhhh. So me being the pessimist sat for the next hour wondering what the hell I had done wrong??
Was it my tuning? Had one of the old dears complained because I caught sight of her girdle? Was it a hygiene problem? Had my hemorrhoids popped out for a look around and I had not noticed thus putting the lead character off on stage......etc etc etc (which is a line in the King and I by the way)
So you can see that I could draw nothing positive from why he wanted a chat with me. Of course everyone looked around at me and I blushed like buggery (I was taught to kill in the Army but I still blush??)
Anyway at the end of the performance I went to the MD expecting to be sacked or worse???
When he said.
'G I am not happy with the keyboard player on piece number 3' So I want you to put the cue in!!!!!!!! Yikes. Another screw in my coffin from worry? As my partner said. 'It can only happen to you'
Trueman Show??????

Dead Money

Did not expect any post today as Tuesdays mail is Saturdays posting day.
We have been stopped walking through the ladies changing rooms. Fact is their are some kids in the show and although they are in a separate room, some are getting upset apparently. I told the MD I was getting upset when I happened to glimpse some of the more mature ladies in a state of undress. Some things should stay covered up as I am of a sensitive disposition!!!!
First performance seemed to have gone very well and I have completed 3 chapters of my book so it shows you how easy it is?
I have to say that I feel unsettled at the moment and what with having the week off I should feel chilled?
So Labour want to bring in a 20k death duty now. Well that's a vote winner if I ever heard one!
I would rather set fire to the cash whilst I had breath in my body. What a smashing Country we live in.

Sting

Obviously Pat has taken his cat out for the day cos he did not come to see me this morning.
I did a Forest Gump today. I decided to walk the 200 yards to the local shops but instead I kept walking the 3 and a half miles into town?
Decided on the way back that I would catch the bus. Have not been on one of these for years and remember why now. It would have cost me £4 return but possibly only a pound in my car???? Plus trying to ring the bell to stop the bus whilst clutching different bags and trying to negotiate the stairs in one go without banging into someone is an art in itself.
Been doing my deep thinking bit between numbers yesterday. Blu Ray!!!! Whats that all about. The advertising agencies are convincing you to buy Blu Ray players and films that you have already seen just because they are clearer? So if you had an old copy of the Glenn Miller story then went out and spent more money on a Blu Ray player and new DVD all you would see is his Trombone a bit shinier in the Pawn shop window????? Do you think we are just getting a bit to gullible?
Ha and another thing. How come they let the Taliban know they were making a big assault on the area that they occupied?? All the Taliban do is run away and hide then come back later when they have gone. I don't think Mr Churchill rang Hitler up and warned him they were going to bomb Berlin on a certain night just so old Adolf could get into his shelter a bit earlier with Ms Braun so they could watch Blu Ray movies all night?
Sorry just distracting myself. Here endeth the second lesson. Amen. See why Amen? why not Ah Women???

Turnips

An extremely long, but enjoyable day today. The Band call took 3 hours followed almost immediately by the dress rehearsal.
I have done some shows where I have been on the edge of my seat with rhythms I had never come across before. But this show is so gentle that I should get through a book in between playing (probably war and peace!)
There is a down side though. We are having to walk through the ladies changing rooms again and a lot of them are getting undressed on the move. The amount of lady allotments i have glanced is unbeleivable tut tut.
Had time to call in at the pub to listen to the big band. Extremely impressed by all I saw and heard. This band is the tops without a shadow of a doubt. I looked at bone section, only to see a 14 year old lad (Grandson of singer) sat in section. Reminded me of when I first started only I was bald then as well.
Mind you I still wanted to play even after a 6 hour blow today?
Into next week and lets see what Pat brings.

Sofa so good

My Psychic guide 'Doreen' promised me faithfully there would be something in the post today............typical....nothing. Oh well I am a tad more relaxed today seeing I am not at work with grisly bodies and undertakers humour (laugh a bloody minute, especially my boss)
Anyway I joined my partner for a bit of retail therapy in Town. This for me consists of drinking copious amounts of Caffeine and people watching. However as we were browsing around a large furniture shop, I thought to myself 'I bet the assistants here make a fortune at the end of the day'? Consider the amount of blokes who sit on the sofas to try them out. Now think to your own settee, and if like mine, the copious amounts of small change you find down the side that has fallen out of your pockets? My partner would not let me go round each one to slide my hand down the back as she said it was embarrassing...so I am going back later!
Don't feel quite prepared 'lip' wise for Sundays long blow but at least I know there is no mail delivery so I can give it 100% concentration! Oh joy. A good day today after 6 bad one's which makes it all that more special.

Ditto

Managed to get 4 hours last night so recharged for todays wait and work. Did a little work on the show pad but coasting only. Flipping heck am I inpatient or what?

No Show

Wow I am tired. Nothing in the post yet and the worse case scenario is getting called back during the show week. If it was something nasty then I am not sure if I would carry on the run? Flipping heck time is dragging so slowly. Did 3 Funerals today and again on auto but I do know I was bloody freezing as 2 were burials. Oh I am such a happy chappy at this time tum dee tra la laa!!!!

Quartet

I ummed and arrred about going to Band last night as I was so stressed. However i did go and like a fool volunteered for a solo? I mark myself 4 out of 10 for last nights playing but being so anxious, i forgive myself. However sleep was virtually nil last night so I paid in a way!
Today we had a call to send 4 men on a removal. This can only mean one thing...heavy carry. As it was we made a very professional job but as I am coasting on auto pilot at the moment I probably would not have noticed anyway? Only partly trained today. 20 minutes was all I could get myself to do but better than nothing I suppose. So many scenarios whizzing around my head, it's unbelievable. I like a challenge but this is something else. I named the NHS as No Hurry service as a joke but.........

Hell Hol

Had a late start today so managed to catch up with Jeremy Kyle on the box. I just like to remind myself what the UK is about by watching these folk?
Seeing my worry alert is set to maximum I decided i would ring the hospital secretary to see when i can expect any info? It seems that the results go to a panel of experts. they then discuss the findings over a cup of earl Grey, Then they send the results to a typist who then posts them to the specialist who then sends them to his secretary who then types them up and posts them to me???? I was filled full of confidence when she told me that she was on holiday next week so the results may take 2 to 3 weeks. Unless.........I am at deaths door in which case they will come a little quicker. Now you can imagine how i am opening the front door when i get home from work? Ok so the relief if nothing there in the next few days ,might be jumping the gun ,but it is relief non the less. I can't believe I am also coming up to another stressful time as well. I have not done this show before and I always get a little nervy until i get it under my belt so this is a wild ride for me at this time. Flipping good test from them up there this one is?

Judy

There is no point in explaining my stress levels at the moment ,but I can only imagine it to be like a prisoner awaiting the juries verdict. I did manage to escape the thoughts for a couple of hours last night whilst blowing. Managed a fairly passable 'Under my Skin' solo, which after the amount of practice I haven't done is quite remarkable.
Anyway these Blogs will be quite short for a while. Until at least i have got any info.

Les Kellet

I would just like to say that I am full of the joys of spring at the moment. I would like to say it but it would be a porky. Out for a meal last night and today I wrestled for 20 minutes trying to sort a problem out on my car. All these things take my mind off the waiting and included in that is copious amounts of wobbly juice (well I am a brass player after all). I have asked my poor old dad to come with me when I get the results. I wish I had taken his genes (apart from the follicle challenged ones) as he worries about nowt.
I have not even looked at the show pad yet and wonder, if I am challenged, if I will be able to do it? I am not feeling sorry for myself in anyway, just angry really, which is a tad confusing. I have put it down to 2 simple scenarios.
1. All clear
2. Ooooops

You can guess which pessimistic me is focusing on? Anyway I have got to blow tonight and hopefully it will distract me for a short while. I hope I hear something this week as the waiting 'caruthers' is horrible.

Spock

Well no turning back now as the scan has been done. This Star Trek of a machine has peered deep inside my body and if there are any gremlins there this little beauty will find them. I did not have to drink the radioactive gloop after all? Just had to neck a litre of water. I was then dressed in a kinky little gown with my arse jutting out. Then I had this injection that I was warned, would make my buttocks go warm? Well it was the best thing that had happened to me all day so that was a joy in itself? They scanned my chest down to my tum and now the dreaded wait begins. I am presuming I will get a letter calling me back for results (pessimistic me has already decided what they will be) in a few days.
I got talking to a few people there. Horrific stories of Doctors misdiagnosis (don't I know from being an undertaker) One chap was told not to worry as he had slipped a disc...nope it was bone cancer. Even when he was rolling around the doc's floor in agony they gave him a paracetamol? The other chap was told he had a tummy bug....you can guess the rest. I have to say that it was very upsetting as these guys looked quite fit and well and yet deep inside something was eating there very life away.
On reflection I think I would have preferred the 6 hours shopping with my missus!

Power cat

We were discussing a story in the news today about a Council meeting in the South of the UK. The agenda item was about installing Cats Eyes on a bad bend somewhere on a country road. One of the councillors stood up and was totally against it, saying that the budget for electricity was way overspent. Yep he thought the Cats eyes were electric. So thinking of this I said that what happened was that little rabbits and foxes etc would dash across the road and switch them on where they heard a car coming. You see that is why there are so many dead animals on the country roads. The animals all go on a course that taught them, that if they cant get away in time after switching the cats eyes on, then they should line themselves up between the cars headlights, thus letting the car pass safely over them? However there are an extraordinary amount of Robin reliants still on the road, thus taking the road kill figures up.
Ahhhh.

Busses

I have to admit to being miserable at the moment (what do you mean 'No change then'??) as all sorts of lousy thoughts keep going through my head. Being an undertaker has not helped the situation at all as I am well aware of the parallels to genetics and hereditary gremlins. I am figuring that by this time next week I will have had the scan and been contacted with results. Being the pessimist I have always been ,I am already figuring out what I will do in each possible scenario. Drink more beer features highly on the list. Paying a visit to someone in the past who is a theif and fabricated e mails is another (yep you got it coming whatever the scenario ) The main one is to change my life, but I have never figured out how to do that anyway.
If this is IBS it is certainly showing itself as the appointment looms closer?
I turned a symphonic gig down last night and talking to the MD it would seem he had just had a CT scan as well (strange I had never met anyone before this who has had one and now I know of 3??). He also gave me some advice (Thanks J)
Was given a new solo to try out. I had a token play last night but my heart was not in it. It said in the notes 'play like Tommy Dorsey 'and to me it sounded more like Tommy Docherty??
Ah well just Friday to get through.

Past your eyes

I hate milk. I have always wondered, that if milk is supposed to build strong bones and a healthy body, then why do Cows have such a shocking posture? Come to think of it, who the heck was the person who saw a cow for the first time and thought to themselves' I will just have a tug on those dangly things and see what comes out??? Scary.
Back to being a builder today and I have a private hire tomorrow so filling time a little better than yesterday. I am still practicing and still training and still worrying, but I am experienced at all 3 lol. The Band is really getting busy this year. I am not saying it is the best Band in the Midlands. But it is in the top one!

Bee

We have a saying in the trade, that 'Death' is natures way to tell you to slow down? Well it would seem that everyone is heeding these wise words as we do not have one Funeral to officiate for. Now that really is great news that folk are healthier. But to the firm it is like having a car showroom with no cars to sell. No one has ever known anything like it. Possibly the worse thing is not being able to keep my head occupied at a time I most need to. You can't 'look' busy if there is absolutely nothing to do. To be fair, we started building a new car park yesterday and the hours flew past, But the weather has not allowed us to continue today. Difficult to motivate one's self when so very very bored!
Mind you the lads at work have kept my moral up with all the horror stories of CT's scan's and folks they know who received bad news. Thanks lads' Even my boss asked me how I would take it if it was serious???? Cartwheels? Handstands? Crikey how do you answer a question like that (and what a question to ask). For a negative person I am being fairly positive at the moment so what will be will be and decide then how to handle it. In a perfect world we would all go in our sleep like my Grandad. Not screaming and shouting like the passenger in the back of his Taxi!!!!

Siamese if we please

Got home tonight to find letter from Hospital. they have arranged a CAT scan for this Saturday. Now I know this does not involve a manky old moggy being dangled over my tum but instead (I have been briefed) I have to drink 16 gallons of this foul tasting liquid and then be battered with radiation. Well what would I prefer, shopping with the missus for 6 hours or that????/
The specialist wants to see if all these years of problems, is down to IBS or something else (gulp) Now I have to say that I am a tad nervous as I am at the age where my Mum was diagnosed with the big C. I suppose this is natural really? Anyway it is not to long to wait, although you do not get the results on the day!
As for last nights playing. Well, it was better than last Sunday and thats a fact but I have not been putting the work in because of obvious distractions so still not a happy teddy.