My mate at work is a real trend setter. He was the first one to wear brown and white shoes on a night out. Unfortunately he has now lost the brown one!
I slept a solid 9 hours!!!!! last night. It is years since I have had that much sleep. Having a quiet day to fill I decided I would go and get the music for the next show I am doing. I also decided that as my partner was on holiday with her mum I would treat myself to lunch. I watched a bit of a Dance Routine and am never failed to be impressed how they can remember all the moves as well as the words!!
Then decided I would go to a Little Chef on the way back. I was very health conscious and ordered the chicken and bacon salad as I am supposed to eat loads of fibre so that I do not pass the equivalent of the Ayers rock in my daily ablutions?
Whilst waiting for the meal I was surprised to hear the words sh*t shouted out loud by one of the kitchen staff (Eggon Rowney would knock a star off for that) closely followed by another, sneezing and not washing her hands? Nice!!!
Anyway salad arrived and as I searched through the few paltry lettuce leaves I realised they had not put any tomatoes in? (5 a day and all that). Politely I asked where they were and they were immediately served ...on a saucer!
On paying for the meal (an arm and a leg) I was asked by a lady with a cold, if all was ok. I replied 'So So' you would think that I had uttered the word sh*t at her. She then pressed me for an explanation (I was and have complained to head office) making me feel most uncomfy and embarrassed in front of other diners. I explained apart from the swearing and unhygienic practice that they had left off the red round things. She then said 'We don't serve tomatoes in the salad' I then told her to at least know what she was talking about and they at least should have been served on a side dish. Did I get a sorry? Nope. Will I get one from the Big Boss. Bloody right I will. Ah at least it took my mind off my digestive system for a while lol.
Sunday, 31 January 2010
Saturday, 30 January 2010
I heard it on the...
I have to be honest I am having a tough day today. The activities in the smallest room in the house are complicated and fraught with horrible happenings. Makes me just want to curl up in a ball and wait until it is all healed. However the bodies chemistry wont allow this to happen so I am just dealing with it the best way I can. I can't imagine hitting any high notes for a while?
I was uncomfy for the last 3 years up there, but now it is ten times worse? I should imagine that these dangly grape things are having the life strangled out of them by some masochist rubber band and they are complaining as much as they can!
Spoke to my Dad today and did not realise that when he was a lad he made ends meet by working on the Helter Skelter rides. They accused him of pocketing money so he took the boss to court. My dad won and got them done for Fun Fair Dismissal. Ouch!
I was uncomfy for the last 3 years up there, but now it is ten times worse? I should imagine that these dangly grape things are having the life strangled out of them by some masochist rubber band and they are complaining as much as they can!
Spoke to my Dad today and did not realise that when he was a lad he made ends meet by working on the Helter Skelter rides. They accused him of pocketing money so he took the boss to court. My dad won and got them done for Fun Fair Dismissal. Ouch!
Friday, 29 January 2010
Grapes of Wrath
As the vicar said in church today 'We accept all denominations Especially 10 and 20 pound notes?
Managed to kip a little better last night. I managed to find a position I was comfier in. This involved me sleeping with my head on the window ledge and my heels on the bed thus allowing space around my battered and bruised sitting area. I also managed 20 minutes practice without hearing any twanging noises of bands snapping?
Now next week is going to be so so hard. We do not have one Funeral!!!! This is unheard of at this time of the year. Dire times indeed . Like I said, thus far 2010 is turning out cr*p.
Managed to kip a little better last night. I managed to find a position I was comfier in. This involved me sleeping with my head on the window ledge and my heels on the bed thus allowing space around my battered and bruised sitting area. I also managed 20 minutes practice without hearing any twanging noises of bands snapping?
Now next week is going to be so so hard. We do not have one Funeral!!!! This is unheard of at this time of the year. Dire times indeed . Like I said, thus far 2010 is turning out cr*p.
Thursday, 28 January 2010
Catapult
Although my sense of humour got me through yesterday, it could not help me last night. I could not get to sleep because I felt so uncomfy. It felt as though someone had a red hot poker and was gleefully shoving it up and down my spaghetti junction. Clambering out of bed I stupidly decided to go to work (well we already are one man down) picking the day with one of the heaviest coffins to lift. Just after this my boss sent me home as I had gone a funny colour?
The worse thing has been going to the toilet. They shove this devise up your a** that inflates the bowel and then attach bands around the dangly obstacles, hoping that at sometime they will drop off (knowing my luck in the middle of Sainsburys..I hope by the beetroot counter?) But in the mean time anything coming down has to pass the rubber bands? I had the awful thought that if I passed a poo it would hit the Bands and be flung half a mile out of the window and down the road. I am sore. I have not blown for 3 days and I am tired. But I am breathing so thats good isn't it.
The worse thing has been going to the toilet. They shove this devise up your a** that inflates the bowel and then attach bands around the dangly obstacles, hoping that at sometime they will drop off (knowing my luck in the middle of Sainsburys..I hope by the beetroot counter?) But in the mean time anything coming down has to pass the rubber bands? I had the awful thought that if I passed a poo it would hit the Bands and be flung half a mile out of the window and down the road. I am sore. I have not blown for 3 days and I am tired. But I am breathing so thats good isn't it.
Wednesday, 27 January 2010
The 3 Amigo's
After spending 40 minutes trying to find a parking space at the new hospital I walked into the waiting room very stressed. Only to find out that the specialist was running an hour late!!!
Finally got to see the bloke and he said that him and the nurse had to take a look inside. Now the nurse had overdone the fake tan so as she inserted the Kodak Brownie into my nethers a tune from Boney M popped into my head. Brown Girl up my ring tra la la la laaa went whizzing round but this did distract me from the rather uncomfortable intrusion into my bum? Although the specialist wants to run a scan he found...wait for it. Not 1 but 3 hemeroids up there. They were living quite happily as a family presumably (although one had passed on in the early hours of a December morning). He said he would treat them then and there by inserting rubber bands around them? Now I have to say although this is painless during the process it now feels like I have been kicked up the jacksy by someone wearing a steel capped boot? They also said i would probably bleed quite a bit and NOT TO PANIC!!!!. They suggested wearing 'ladies things' in bed. I thought they meant a negligee, but apparently they meant pads. Now how embarrassing is that. I mean am I normal flow or heavy.... hmmm? Anyway I have to say I am relieved they found something to answer my 6 weeks of worry. I now have to wait for some sort of scan just to make sure,I just hope it doesn't involve that awful drink that confines you to the bog for a day.My a *se really can't take anymore!!
Finally got to see the bloke and he said that him and the nurse had to take a look inside. Now the nurse had overdone the fake tan so as she inserted the Kodak Brownie into my nethers a tune from Boney M popped into my head. Brown Girl up my ring tra la la la laaa went whizzing round but this did distract me from the rather uncomfortable intrusion into my bum? Although the specialist wants to run a scan he found...wait for it. Not 1 but 3 hemeroids up there. They were living quite happily as a family presumably (although one had passed on in the early hours of a December morning). He said he would treat them then and there by inserting rubber bands around them? Now I have to say although this is painless during the process it now feels like I have been kicked up the jacksy by someone wearing a steel capped boot? They also said i would probably bleed quite a bit and NOT TO PANIC!!!!. They suggested wearing 'ladies things' in bed. I thought they meant a negligee, but apparently they meant pads. Now how embarrassing is that. I mean am I normal flow or heavy.... hmmm? Anyway I have to say I am relieved they found something to answer my 6 weeks of worry. I now have to wait for some sort of scan just to make sure,I just hope it doesn't involve that awful drink that confines you to the bog for a day.My a *se really can't take anymore!!
Tuesday, 26 January 2010
Yul be Sorry
Just over 24 hours until 'D' Day (That's derriere day) Sods law that the stinging in the Khyber has got decidedly comfier since the 'Incident' It's like calling out the TV repairman to look at your telly and then it working perfectly when he gets there?
Anyway I really hope they find the cause even if it is Shergar lodged up there.
As for playing. Well I am still kicking myself for Sundays train crash of a solo. As I say to my partner 'Another scar on the soul'! Actually there are certain things in life that do get embedded in your brain. Jumping out of the Plane I can't really remember......but the landing is as clear as yesterday.
Had a senior moment as I thought the show I was doing was Fiddler but turns out to be King and I. Well if the bald bloke doesn't turn up then I can stand in.
Anyway I really hope they find the cause even if it is Shergar lodged up there.
As for playing. Well I am still kicking myself for Sundays train crash of a solo. As I say to my partner 'Another scar on the soul'! Actually there are certain things in life that do get embedded in your brain. Jumping out of the Plane I can't really remember......but the landing is as clear as yesterday.
Had a senior moment as I thought the show I was doing was Fiddler but turns out to be King and I. Well if the bald bloke doesn't turn up then I can stand in.
Sunday, 24 January 2010
Fallen Gonad
My family was poor when I was a child and we could not afford much. Instead of a bed time story my dad used to read me the bus schedules!
Isn't life weird. Sometimes it feels like the 'Trueman Show' I was talking to my partner only yesterday about my fears of making a major cock up on a solo. Even though in the 70s I saw Roger Whitaker play an intro on his guitar and then completely forget the words (Do you remember the 70s cabaret shows? Chicken and Chips in a Basket! or was it soup in a basket?)
I remember a well known actor playing the lead in Macbeth at the local Playhouse. He walked on stage on the first night...... and froze. The director had to lead him gently off stage and the show was cancelled.
I have seen mourners stand up to make a eulogy. But the nerves got to them and they could not do it.
Well tonight I was feeling fairly confident ,as my lip felt good. In fact I was thinking to myself ,as I hit the first top 'C' in Embraceable You' ,that all was well.
It should have been a simple thing for my eyes to go from the 1st time bar to the 2nd time bar thus continuing this smooth flowing solo?
Only my eyes decided they would go to the stave above the repeat section.
At this point I knew I was in deep doo doo. You see a great jazzer would probably have saved themselves and bluff like buggery, until they found their correct place in the music.
Me, I just realised that I was in the wrong place at the wrong time and at to high a pitch to recover.
So I did the only thing possible.
I said Sh*t 3 times whilst the microphone was live!
Ok, very unprofessional, but it did give me time to find out where the f*** I was in the music and recover to the best of my ability.
I even managed to hit an ad lib top 'D' at the end...............but the damage was done.
As I said to our 3rd bone player. I was going to go home and wear a horse hair vest for the rest of the night, just like the Monk's on a penance.
I also said I would practice for 4 hours well into the night.......
I didn't do any of these things.
In fact I came home , cracked a couple of beers and realised that all the things that I feared about making mistakes ,didn't actually amount to diddly squat.
I cocked up big time.
It's gone and although I can't do anything about it.........it's not changed the world
Has it really taken me over half a century to realise this? Or have I changed so much that I just don't care any more? I prefer the latter as it is so much easier. But then again a Leopard can't change it's spots? (unless it carries a tube of Tippex)
Isn't life weird. Sometimes it feels like the 'Trueman Show' I was talking to my partner only yesterday about my fears of making a major cock up on a solo. Even though in the 70s I saw Roger Whitaker play an intro on his guitar and then completely forget the words (Do you remember the 70s cabaret shows? Chicken and Chips in a Basket! or was it soup in a basket?)
I remember a well known actor playing the lead in Macbeth at the local Playhouse. He walked on stage on the first night...... and froze. The director had to lead him gently off stage and the show was cancelled.
I have seen mourners stand up to make a eulogy. But the nerves got to them and they could not do it.
Well tonight I was feeling fairly confident ,as my lip felt good. In fact I was thinking to myself ,as I hit the first top 'C' in Embraceable You' ,that all was well.
It should have been a simple thing for my eyes to go from the 1st time bar to the 2nd time bar thus continuing this smooth flowing solo?
Only my eyes decided they would go to the stave above the repeat section.
At this point I knew I was in deep doo doo. You see a great jazzer would probably have saved themselves and bluff like buggery, until they found their correct place in the music.
Me, I just realised that I was in the wrong place at the wrong time and at to high a pitch to recover.
So I did the only thing possible.
I said Sh*t 3 times whilst the microphone was live!
Ok, very unprofessional, but it did give me time to find out where the f*** I was in the music and recover to the best of my ability.
I even managed to hit an ad lib top 'D' at the end...............but the damage was done.
As I said to our 3rd bone player. I was going to go home and wear a horse hair vest for the rest of the night, just like the Monk's on a penance.
I also said I would practice for 4 hours well into the night.......
I didn't do any of these things.
In fact I came home , cracked a couple of beers and realised that all the things that I feared about making mistakes ,didn't actually amount to diddly squat.
I cocked up big time.
It's gone and although I can't do anything about it.........it's not changed the world
Has it really taken me over half a century to realise this? Or have I changed so much that I just don't care any more? I prefer the latter as it is so much easier. But then again a Leopard can't change it's spots? (unless it carries a tube of Tippex)
Dead Lift
I think my parents were a tad overprotective when I was a lad. I was the only kid on the street who had a tricycle with stabilisers fitted?
Not looking forward to next week. It's not because of the up and coming appointment (although I will be glad when it is over as some stranger peering into my Channel Tunnel is slightly disconcerting to say the least), but the thought of the very heavy coffins we have to lift and negotiate on our shoulders under doors that were constructed in the 1600's for shorter bearers and lighter people?
Think about it. People were tiddly in them days (apart from Henry the 8th, who liked a few to many chicken legs) and the Churches were built to that design. Now we are scoffing on more MacDonalds and Fries and growing taller?
No lessons have been learned though as there is one Church in the Town that I work that has been built upstairs???? The Coffin has to go up the Fire Escape? Dignified are what!!
Not looking forward to next week. It's not because of the up and coming appointment (although I will be glad when it is over as some stranger peering into my Channel Tunnel is slightly disconcerting to say the least), but the thought of the very heavy coffins we have to lift and negotiate on our shoulders under doors that were constructed in the 1600's for shorter bearers and lighter people?
Think about it. People were tiddly in them days (apart from Henry the 8th, who liked a few to many chicken legs) and the Churches were built to that design. Now we are scoffing on more MacDonalds and Fries and growing taller?
No lessons have been learned though as there is one Church in the Town that I work that has been built upstairs???? The Coffin has to go up the Fire Escape? Dignified are what!!
Saturday, 23 January 2010
Stilton
People sometimes ask me if I was lonely as a child? lonely!! I had an imaginary friend who wouldnt even play with me?
I should get a medal. 5 hours of shopping with the missus and only one tantrum (from me). They call it retail therapy apparently? Crikey how much therapy do they need?
I have seen the programme for Sunday and the dreaded hugging song is in (Embraceable you). It's a great tune but it's so bloody high. I know I go 5 different shades of red when I play it and I find veins on my forehead that I never knew I had?
Did a very heavy carry last week and still my wrist is aching. It's no joke that people are getting bigger and bigger? Soon we will be like the USA and the Fire Brigade will have to be called to remove the deceased from their houses. Where will it end....hernia's (oh to late)
Only a few days to 'Journey to the centre of my Bottom' the sequel. Well at least I get off work early.
I should get a medal. 5 hours of shopping with the missus and only one tantrum (from me). They call it retail therapy apparently? Crikey how much therapy do they need?
I have seen the programme for Sunday and the dreaded hugging song is in (Embraceable you). It's a great tune but it's so bloody high. I know I go 5 different shades of red when I play it and I find veins on my forehead that I never knew I had?
Did a very heavy carry last week and still my wrist is aching. It's no joke that people are getting bigger and bigger? Soon we will be like the USA and the Fire Brigade will have to be called to remove the deceased from their houses. Where will it end....hernia's (oh to late)
Only a few days to 'Journey to the centre of my Bottom' the sequel. Well at least I get off work early.
Friday, 22 January 2010
Barbie
For goodness sake, who lets there Dog poo in a Graveyard??? Me and my mate filling in a hole got covered in the stuff and did not realise until we were in the van. We both started looking at each other thinking one of us had a personal problem. But no it was all over our boots and hands. The only thing that has cheered today up, is waiting outside the Mortuary for a body and realising we were directly opposite the ladies toilet. Ok you could only see the sink section, but we watched one girl doing her hair for 20 minutes!!! She kept fluffing it up then after all that put it in a bob? Girlie world seems really complicated.
Thursday, 21 January 2010
Heinz
My parents were so poor, When I was young my Dad ran a Mountaineering Equipment shop in Holland.
Strange how sometimes I can be thinking of things and then they happen. I noticed young kids on way to school on mobile phones? Then it came on the news that over 60% of under 10s have a phone! I mean who are they calling? There financial advisers perhaps or ordering a home delivery from Asda of sweeties? When I was a lad (eeeeh) all we had was 2 tin cans and a piece of string. Well actually that was my Dad's phone as he refused to splash out on a proper one. It worked as we could talk to the neighbours without leaving our house. Only problem was across the road. The string was stretched across between houses , thus decapitating any Honda 50 riders that happened to stray down our street?
Been on a private hire today and had time to go and look at the RSPCA. Two very small dogs had been brought in as strays and they were shivering with fright bless em. I tried to explain that all would be alright but I don't think they believed me. Oh for more time to have one? Mind you the way work is going that might not be far off.
Strange how sometimes I can be thinking of things and then they happen. I noticed young kids on way to school on mobile phones? Then it came on the news that over 60% of under 10s have a phone! I mean who are they calling? There financial advisers perhaps or ordering a home delivery from Asda of sweeties? When I was a lad (eeeeh) all we had was 2 tin cans and a piece of string. Well actually that was my Dad's phone as he refused to splash out on a proper one. It worked as we could talk to the neighbours without leaving our house. Only problem was across the road. The string was stretched across between houses , thus decapitating any Honda 50 riders that happened to stray down our street?
Been on a private hire today and had time to go and look at the RSPCA. Two very small dogs had been brought in as strays and they were shivering with fright bless em. I tried to explain that all would be alright but I don't think they believed me. Oh for more time to have one? Mind you the way work is going that might not be far off.
Wednesday, 20 January 2010
Have ears
A great musician can bring tears to a persons eyes. But then again, so can a dentist.
I wish my hospital appointment was today instead of next week as really sore in the nethers at present. I am hoping some of this is to do with stress and can be explained away. A friend of mine has just packed a job in because it is affecting his sleep and his standard of life. I really admire him for making the right decision and only wish I had had that choice in the Army instead of trying to hide it for 2 years. The pay back seems to be for ever.
I am an Undertaker but today me and my mate donned gloves and sledge hammers and proceeded to demolish a wall that was hit by a car last week. Jack of all trades Master of none eh.
I wish my hospital appointment was today instead of next week as really sore in the nethers at present. I am hoping some of this is to do with stress and can be explained away. A friend of mine has just packed a job in because it is affecting his sleep and his standard of life. I really admire him for making the right decision and only wish I had had that choice in the Army instead of trying to hide it for 2 years. The pay back seems to be for ever.
I am an Undertaker but today me and my mate donned gloves and sledge hammers and proceeded to demolish a wall that was hit by a car last week. Jack of all trades Master of none eh.
Tuesday, 19 January 2010
Up em
My definition of fear is zipping up your sleeping bag when camping and the itch that was on your right leg starts to move???
If I begin to write what has happened today it would take me just one word.........nothing!
Zilch, Zero, Nowt, Sweet FA etc. An hour to get to work for 6 hours of diddley squat? Mind you if Cadburys have sold out to the Americans then what chance do we have? As the Undertaker in Dad's Army says..We're Dooomed, Dooomed I say'
If I begin to write what has happened today it would take me just one word.........nothing!
Zilch, Zero, Nowt, Sweet FA etc. An hour to get to work for 6 hours of diddley squat? Mind you if Cadburys have sold out to the Americans then what chance do we have? As the Undertaker in Dad's Army says..We're Dooomed, Dooomed I say'
Monday, 18 January 2010
Ripe Melons
At school I was voted the boy most likely to recede?
An hour to travel 10 miles this morning and I made it to work with 30 seconds to spare. Things at work are grim as there is virtually no work and you can feel the tension mounting. If it carries on then someone will have to go and I am afraid that someone will be me unfortunately. Well if it is i will definitely go busking in town?
Today all the disrespectful drivers seemed to be on the road. One lady cut in between the cortege and doggedly stayed their despite me flashing for her to pull over. You she she always shops on a Monday and that is her route and aint no one going to stop her?
Then pulling into the crem a Male driver went through the cortege at 40 miles an hour even swerving to get past? Oh how just once would I like to get hold of one of these plebs!!!
Last nights rehearsal was constructive though with a couple of challenging pieces, but I found it hard to concentrate as I was distracted by a couple of things!
An hour to travel 10 miles this morning and I made it to work with 30 seconds to spare. Things at work are grim as there is virtually no work and you can feel the tension mounting. If it carries on then someone will have to go and I am afraid that someone will be me unfortunately. Well if it is i will definitely go busking in town?
Today all the disrespectful drivers seemed to be on the road. One lady cut in between the cortege and doggedly stayed their despite me flashing for her to pull over. You she she always shops on a Monday and that is her route and aint no one going to stop her?
Then pulling into the crem a Male driver went through the cortege at 40 miles an hour even swerving to get past? Oh how just once would I like to get hold of one of these plebs!!!
Last nights rehearsal was constructive though with a couple of challenging pieces, but I found it hard to concentrate as I was distracted by a couple of things!
Sunday, 17 January 2010
Broken Mirror
I remember as a child going off on school camp to Guernsey. I really missed home so rang my mum. Are you Homesick she asked? No I am Heresick I replied can I come home!
Continuing the tales of woe for 2010. Yesterday I purchased a brand new clock and proceeded to unpack it very carefully. On getting it out the box i noticed that the hands had fallen off??? An hour later I managed to fix them back on. I then drilled the wall for a plug and screw (strange I went to Wilko's and asked for a box of screws. How long do you want them asked the assistant? I want to keep them i replied??) and then proceeded to lift the clock into place.... just as i did the pendulum fell off and smashed on the floor!!!! Another hour and I had fixed it only to find the hands had fallen of again. I now have a clock that tells the correct time twice a day!!! After that I sat down to a well deserved glass of red vino and bag of crisps. Chewing on a particularly hard piece of fried tater, I realised that this was not part of the bag of fried goodies, but a filling that had fallen out. Add to this a letter from the Tax man completely screwing up my pittance of income by issuing the wrong code and you can probably guess that this has not been a good weekend. My sense of humour is still intact though as you only have to compare your troubles with that of Haiti and it puts it straight into perspective.
Continuing the tales of woe for 2010. Yesterday I purchased a brand new clock and proceeded to unpack it very carefully. On getting it out the box i noticed that the hands had fallen off??? An hour later I managed to fix them back on. I then drilled the wall for a plug and screw (strange I went to Wilko's and asked for a box of screws. How long do you want them asked the assistant? I want to keep them i replied??) and then proceeded to lift the clock into place.... just as i did the pendulum fell off and smashed on the floor!!!! Another hour and I had fixed it only to find the hands had fallen of again. I now have a clock that tells the correct time twice a day!!! After that I sat down to a well deserved glass of red vino and bag of crisps. Chewing on a particularly hard piece of fried tater, I realised that this was not part of the bag of fried goodies, but a filling that had fallen out. Add to this a letter from the Tax man completely screwing up my pittance of income by issuing the wrong code and you can probably guess that this has not been a good weekend. My sense of humour is still intact though as you only have to compare your troubles with that of Haiti and it puts it straight into perspective.
Saturday, 16 January 2010
Prone
By making mistakes I have learned so many lessons in life. In fact I am thinking of making a few more.
Not a good start to the year and not just me. A mate of mine fell over and hurt his back he then got a steaming cold and now his boiler has packed in. I fell over and hurt my hand, have got to have a 6o foot camera shoved up my jacksy and today I walked into the corner of the bed ripping my leg open? Wow only 16 days in and it's already an adventure.
A good day today though with a drive into the Peak District and lots of food so all is not too bad after all!
Not a good start to the year and not just me. A mate of mine fell over and hurt his back he then got a steaming cold and now his boiler has packed in. I fell over and hurt my hand, have got to have a 6o foot camera shoved up my jacksy and today I walked into the corner of the bed ripping my leg open? Wow only 16 days in and it's already an adventure.
A good day today though with a drive into the Peak District and lots of food so all is not too bad after all!
Friday, 15 January 2010
Hare
One thing the Army instilled in me, was to be on time. It was a cardinal sin if you were late for anything. So this mornings journey had my stress levels at maximum when they decided to shut a lane on my route at rush hour. It comes to something when you have only travelled 100 yards and have come to a complete standstill? I must have travelled an extra 10 miles to try and get to work on time and failed miserably. Ok I was only 10 minutes late but this put me in a bad mood for most of the morning. Add to that the numpty who tried to take the front end off my Limo whilst trying to cut up the Cortege and you can probably guess this was a very bad day!!!
I practiced for an whole hour last night ....hooray.
I practiced for an whole hour last night ....hooray.
Thursday, 14 January 2010
Bob
I was sat eating my tea last night (a big plate of Pasta and Brussels, I know what I like) watching the disaster in Haiti on the telly. I have some sort of religous belief (albeit tested at times) and I realise that what we do in our lives is up to us without any divine interference or Intervention? However why do the poor people of this small island have to suffer so? They are so poor and already living a terrible life so why keep punishing them? I can't get my head around that one at all.
On the opposite end of the scale ,we were talking to some builders today outside a church in a village that shall remain nameless. They were completing work on a very large house that was worth at least three quarters of a million. I was asking how people can earn so much money (17 years in the Forces and 10 as an Undertaker and I am still poor!) to become a Millionaire. They replied that the person concerned was a tight wad and was despised by a lot of people. Apparently this rich geezer went to the local Country Tavern where they advertise meals as Buy one get one free. He went alone and ordered the meal. After he had finished he told the Landlord he would be in the next night for his free meal. The Landlord said that he could not do that. However this skin flint (albeit mega rich) pointed out the wording on the menu and argued by law that he was entitled to the free meal and he won. The Pub had to alter the wording on all the menu's.
So I suppose the lesson is that you can be rich and have no friends or be rich by having friends. Here endeth the second lesson.
On the opposite end of the scale ,we were talking to some builders today outside a church in a village that shall remain nameless. They were completing work on a very large house that was worth at least three quarters of a million. I was asking how people can earn so much money (17 years in the Forces and 10 as an Undertaker and I am still poor!) to become a Millionaire. They replied that the person concerned was a tight wad and was despised by a lot of people. Apparently this rich geezer went to the local Country Tavern where they advertise meals as Buy one get one free. He went alone and ordered the meal. After he had finished he told the Landlord he would be in the next night for his free meal. The Landlord said that he could not do that. However this skin flint (albeit mega rich) pointed out the wording on the menu and argued by law that he was entitled to the free meal and he won. The Pub had to alter the wording on all the menu's.
So I suppose the lesson is that you can be rich and have no friends or be rich by having friends. Here endeth the second lesson.
Wednesday, 13 January 2010
Wall Street Crash
For years I have been asking the boss if we can turn the garden at the bottom of the premises, into something called 'The Garden of Reflection' so when you have viewed your loved one, a moment of peace and tranquility can be sought in this beautiful garden. All it would need to start with is a wall demolishing......
Well the wall was demolished today, but not as a prelude to creating the Garden of Reflection. One of the staff drove into the yard ,hit black ice and wham the wall disintegrated!!!! Strangely there was not much damage to the vehicle. but the wall is a gonner.
Went to bed last night expecting another 'incident' as quite sore. It never transpired thank goodness but it keeps reminding me that something is not quite right?
I keep feeding the Foxes with scraps of food but I think we are down to just one fox now? I don't know what has happened to the rest but I have seen a couple of road kills on the way to work ahhh!!
Well the wall was demolished today, but not as a prelude to creating the Garden of Reflection. One of the staff drove into the yard ,hit black ice and wham the wall disintegrated!!!! Strangely there was not much damage to the vehicle. but the wall is a gonner.
Went to bed last night expecting another 'incident' as quite sore. It never transpired thank goodness but it keeps reminding me that something is not quite right?
I keep feeding the Foxes with scraps of food but I think we are down to just one fox now? I don't know what has happened to the rest but I have seen a couple of road kills on the way to work ahhh!!
Tuesday, 12 January 2010
Cunning
I should have know I was being a bit thick when I asked our Treasurer how often the annual report came out!
Called out on a removal and was a bit concerned as wrist and finger still bothering me. On this occasion we talked a plan through as it was a fairly difficult removal. Apart from us both being severely out of breath at the end of it all went well. I have known removals where ornaments and pictures on staircases have been knocked off. very embarrassing but sometimes unavoidable in tight spots.
I am managing to do about 20 minutes practice a night but I will be sure glad when this hospital appointment comes along. I have another 2 weeks to wait and boy is it dragging?
Called out on a removal and was a bit concerned as wrist and finger still bothering me. On this occasion we talked a plan through as it was a fairly difficult removal. Apart from us both being severely out of breath at the end of it all went well. I have known removals where ornaments and pictures on staircases have been knocked off. very embarrassing but sometimes unavoidable in tight spots.
I am managing to do about 20 minutes practice a night but I will be sure glad when this hospital appointment comes along. I have another 2 weeks to wait and boy is it dragging?
Monday, 11 January 2010
Willis
Strange isn't it. That Managers send their employees on courses teaching them how to deal with stress. Yet the Managers go on seminars and learn how to create it.
The Monday morning blues can't describe how I felt this morning. Grey, Miserable and lank and that was just my left leg!! Thought I would tune into radio 2 and listen to the first Chris Evans show and see how well he had replaced old Wogan? Not very well on first impressions. See if I was the DG of Radio 2 I would have moved Ken Bruce to Wogans spot (they have the same accent and no one would have probably noticed) and moved Mr Evans to the Bruce spot so he could do the Pop Master spot...cymbals.
Organisation pah. It reminds me of our old Band sergeant Major who arranged a trip round a local German Brewery. When we got there it was shut. Hence the phrase' Couldn't organise a p** ...........well you know.
The Monday morning blues can't describe how I felt this morning. Grey, Miserable and lank and that was just my left leg!! Thought I would tune into radio 2 and listen to the first Chris Evans show and see how well he had replaced old Wogan? Not very well on first impressions. See if I was the DG of Radio 2 I would have moved Ken Bruce to Wogans spot (they have the same accent and no one would have probably noticed) and moved Mr Evans to the Bruce spot so he could do the Pop Master spot...cymbals.
Organisation pah. It reminds me of our old Band sergeant Major who arranged a trip round a local German Brewery. When we got there it was shut. Hence the phrase' Couldn't organise a p** ...........well you know.
Sunday, 10 January 2010
For the Memories
As part of my New Year fitness regime every morning when I get out of bed I touch my toes.......with my belly?
Almost a perfect day yesterday. Went to visit my dad. then into town for lunch. Then I dog sat for my partner and her Mum. I had a cunning plan to walk down the local pub. Made it without slipping on my bum, walked through the door and they said 'get out Guide Dogs only' I see ,I said. So then to the local Blockbusters to get a DVD. I asked if I could bring the dog in. Only if you carry it they said. Now with a dodgy wrist and hand and a fairly heavy pooch I decided to make my way home and open a bottle of red. So we both sat and watched a Vampire movie. I thought he would appreciate the 'fangs' and he did, as he sat as good as gold throughout the movie. Good day.
Almost a perfect day yesterday. Went to visit my dad. then into town for lunch. Then I dog sat for my partner and her Mum. I had a cunning plan to walk down the local pub. Made it without slipping on my bum, walked through the door and they said 'get out Guide Dogs only' I see ,I said. So then to the local Blockbusters to get a DVD. I asked if I could bring the dog in. Only if you carry it they said. Now with a dodgy wrist and hand and a fairly heavy pooch I decided to make my way home and open a bottle of red. So we both sat and watched a Vampire movie. I thought he would appreciate the 'fangs' and he did, as he sat as good as gold throughout the movie. Good day.
Saturday, 9 January 2010
Holy Moses
I was wondering what the favourite music would be for people in the Bilble. I suppose Noahs would be 'Raindrops keep falling on my head' and Adam and Eve' Strangers in Paradise? Maybe Daniel's would be 'The Lion sleeps tonight and for Samson it would deffinately be the hits from the show 'Hair'!!!
Well unlike the Glenn Miller Orchestra and James Stewart fighting through the snow drifts (you know he made a reasonable job of miming to the music and moving the slide in the film) we at the OBB have had to cancel tomorrows Concert for safety reasons. Actually with the SBB off the road as well there is a lack of Big Band music around in January?
Been into town today when I bumped into the top mortuary assistant. I was telling him about my incident before Xmas when I had to call the ambulance. He took that sharp intake of breath when I told him (you know the sound. it's when you ask a car mechanic how much the repairs will be) so that really did my confidence a lot of good. Actually he is a real character and a musician to boot so a lot of respect for him.
I need to practice a bit longer these next few days to make up for the lack of blowing. It's all to easy to say I can't be bothered in this weather and cuddle up with my 2 friends Stella and Grant!!
Well unlike the Glenn Miller Orchestra and James Stewart fighting through the snow drifts (you know he made a reasonable job of miming to the music and moving the slide in the film) we at the OBB have had to cancel tomorrows Concert for safety reasons. Actually with the SBB off the road as well there is a lack of Big Band music around in January?
Been into town today when I bumped into the top mortuary assistant. I was telling him about my incident before Xmas when I had to call the ambulance. He took that sharp intake of breath when I told him (you know the sound. it's when you ask a car mechanic how much the repairs will be) so that really did my confidence a lot of good. Actually he is a real character and a musician to boot so a lot of respect for him.
I need to practice a bit longer these next few days to make up for the lack of blowing. It's all to easy to say I can't be bothered in this weather and cuddle up with my 2 friends Stella and Grant!!
Friday, 8 January 2010
Cherry
Apparently electronic banking is the fastest way to transfer money. But I have heard marriage is faster?
Sundays Concert is in doubt owing to a couple of musicians concerns with the icy conditions as they live in the country.. The car park last week was lethal and like a skating rink. A couple of us have already taken off in the last week. However when you watch the Glenn Miller story they managed to get through in 10 foot drifts!!!! and still have breath to play 'Over the Rainbow'
Anyway please check the web site or ring the pub for details after 2pm Saturday.
The lack of work has reared it's head at work again and profits were down on last year. Worrying times for all no matter what line of work you are in.
Went to dig a grave for a casket today with the boss. With the first shovel full we remarked how easy it was going to be, despite the snow and frost. 6 inches down we hit a massive root!!! Teach us to keep our mouths shut in future.
Sundays Concert is in doubt owing to a couple of musicians concerns with the icy conditions as they live in the country.. The car park last week was lethal and like a skating rink. A couple of us have already taken off in the last week. However when you watch the Glenn Miller story they managed to get through in 10 foot drifts!!!! and still have breath to play 'Over the Rainbow'
Anyway please check the web site or ring the pub for details after 2pm Saturday.
The lack of work has reared it's head at work again and profits were down on last year. Worrying times for all no matter what line of work you are in.
Went to dig a grave for a casket today with the boss. With the first shovel full we remarked how easy it was going to be, despite the snow and frost. 6 inches down we hit a massive root!!! Teach us to keep our mouths shut in future.
Thursday, 7 January 2010
Foot and Mouth
I can be proud that I have never been overdrawn in my Bank Account. Just Under Deposited!!
I am printing an unreserved apology to a mate of mine that used to read my Blogs. Sometimes what I think of humorous quips can be misunderstood as hurtful to others. I suppose being an Undertaker gives you a different aspect and view of life. The sense of humour at our place can be quite cruel sometimes between us all, But thats how we deal with the morbid things we have to do. It's a coping strategy really and I suppose if it spills into the social life then it can be misconstrued. So mate I am really sorry if I upset you ,but it really was meant in a playful way.
As for work itself ,the driving conditions have been a tad challenging. Reversing the Limo's up unsalted roads has been a great experience. The only thing that I could not believe today was someone lobbed a snowball at the mourners car? With the Hearse in front you could not mistake it for anything else!! But then again does anything surprise me these days.
I have just sent for a CD by a Band I have never heard of and never seen play? However the album looks interesting so I thought I would give it a go? It's called Harlem Airshaft and it is based around the Duke Ellington sound.
I am printing an unreserved apology to a mate of mine that used to read my Blogs. Sometimes what I think of humorous quips can be misunderstood as hurtful to others. I suppose being an Undertaker gives you a different aspect and view of life. The sense of humour at our place can be quite cruel sometimes between us all, But thats how we deal with the morbid things we have to do. It's a coping strategy really and I suppose if it spills into the social life then it can be misconstrued. So mate I am really sorry if I upset you ,but it really was meant in a playful way.
As for work itself ,the driving conditions have been a tad challenging. Reversing the Limo's up unsalted roads has been a great experience. The only thing that I could not believe today was someone lobbed a snowball at the mourners car? With the Hearse in front you could not mistake it for anything else!! But then again does anything surprise me these days.
I have just sent for a CD by a Band I have never heard of and never seen play? However the album looks interesting so I thought I would give it a go? It's called Harlem Airshaft and it is based around the Duke Ellington sound.
Wednesday, 6 January 2010
Freebie
Someone asked me today if I knew how much exactly I had in my Bank. I said no as I hadn't shaken it lately!
We did an early Funeral this week in the middle of town which has quite a few pubs dotted around. Now these pubs are frequented by the same people from 10am every morning. The majority are on benefits etc. I took a walk over to one of the pubs to satisfy my curiosity. The warmth from the log fire hit me as i opened the door (warmer than my house) and at the bar sat 7 blokes ranging in age from late twenties to early 60s. All were drinking beer kindly payed for by you and me? Today a work mate stood behind a family who had been on the Dole since leaving school. They had an overladen trolley and were also buying scratchcards.
I have just one question........How?
We did an early Funeral this week in the middle of town which has quite a few pubs dotted around. Now these pubs are frequented by the same people from 10am every morning. The majority are on benefits etc. I took a walk over to one of the pubs to satisfy my curiosity. The warmth from the log fire hit me as i opened the door (warmer than my house) and at the bar sat 7 blokes ranging in age from late twenties to early 60s. All were drinking beer kindly payed for by you and me? Today a work mate stood behind a family who had been on the Dole since leaving school. They had an overladen trolley and were also buying scratchcards.
I have just one question........How?
Tuesday, 5 January 2010
I'l be bach
Three Funerals with a total of 7 carries. Four Hospital Removals (and a partridge in a pear tree!) and now my wrist looks like Arnold Schwatzenegers (steady). Survived though. Strange phenomena that my bum is aching again after carrying hmmmmm, Tonight I should be out playing but it is cancelled for the next few weeks and I have to say it will make a nice change as I was permanently knackered on a Wednesday after Concert night.
Someone remarked today about my lack of hair. Listen mate ,I replied, they don't put marble tops on cheap furniture ha...
I had a dream about our Female vocalist last night (did you, no she wouldn't let me etc) and it was very intense so I don't know where that came from as half way through she changed into Susan Boyles yeeek. I had been eating Stilton though so that could explain it.
Someone remarked today about my lack of hair. Listen mate ,I replied, they don't put marble tops on cheap furniture ha...
I had a dream about our Female vocalist last night (did you, no she wouldn't let me etc) and it was very intense so I don't know where that came from as half way through she changed into Susan Boyles yeeek. I had been eating Stilton though so that could explain it.
Monday, 4 January 2010
Twist
Have you ever tried to lift a Coffin with a very sore wrist missus? Nope I don't suppose you have. However being the brave little soldier I am (wink) I had to lift 2 today and I will be honest enough to say that it bloody hurt. But the mourners thought I was a professional Funeral weeper me thinks...
Good blow last night and most of the cob webs went. I am distracting myself at this time with rather a drawn out argument on a web site about the use of Capital letters, They say if you are typing in capitals then you are shouting. I say get a life as it is text and you can't hear it. I know some people live their lives completely through computers but really......it's not real now is IT?
Good blow last night and most of the cob webs went. I am distracting myself at this time with rather a drawn out argument on a web site about the use of Capital letters, They say if you are typing in capitals then you are shouting. I say get a life as it is text and you can't hear it. I know some people live their lives completely through computers but really......it's not real now is IT?
Sunday, 3 January 2010
Dancing on Ice
I suffer from split hair. It split years ago.
I have made 2 fatal mistakes today. I decided to walk to get the paper wearing leather soled shoes??? That was first mistake. Taking my first few steps on the icy pavement I immediately took of into the air. Second mistake was putting my right hand out to break my fall. Ouch. I now have a very stiff wrist and hand and it's my bloody slide hand and carrying hand to boot. I am hoping it is not cracked as I can move all, albeit with a modicum of pain. However my slide vibrato is going to sound more like an ambulance siren as I can't move my hand that fast at the mo.
Flipping marvelous eh?
I have made 2 fatal mistakes today. I decided to walk to get the paper wearing leather soled shoes??? That was first mistake. Taking my first few steps on the icy pavement I immediately took of into the air. Second mistake was putting my right hand out to break my fall. Ouch. I now have a very stiff wrist and hand and it's my bloody slide hand and carrying hand to boot. I am hoping it is not cracked as I can move all, albeit with a modicum of pain. However my slide vibrato is going to sound more like an ambulance siren as I can't move my hand that fast at the mo.
Flipping marvelous eh?
Saturday, 2 January 2010
Nil by mouth
The party's over..it's time to turn off the light (with energy saving bulb of course).
Do you feel empty after Chrimbo? I know I do but looking at some folk at a garden centre today I wish I could be like them. They were buying decorations and presents for next year!!!!! how organised (or sad) is that?
I have had my appointment confirmed for the end of January. The letter contained two massive bullet like objects which apparently I have to shove up the Khyber pass 3 hours before the appointment and they are called suppository's? Now this has confused me a tad. When I was in my twenties I used to get bunged up somewhat. Now a mate suggested these suppository things of which I purchased. They tasted foul and did no good at all. Now I realise!!!!
Playing resumes on Sunday I need to do some blowing to get these 'chops' into some semblance of order. It all starts again folks so here we go........
Do you feel empty after Chrimbo? I know I do but looking at some folk at a garden centre today I wish I could be like them. They were buying decorations and presents for next year!!!!! how organised (or sad) is that?
I have had my appointment confirmed for the end of January. The letter contained two massive bullet like objects which apparently I have to shove up the Khyber pass 3 hours before the appointment and they are called suppository's? Now this has confused me a tad. When I was in my twenties I used to get bunged up somewhat. Now a mate suggested these suppository things of which I purchased. They tasted foul and did no good at all. Now I realise!!!!
Playing resumes on Sunday I need to do some blowing to get these 'chops' into some semblance of order. It all starts again folks so here we go........
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