Boo

I feel flipping awful today. No energy and bad tum. I can hack it if I am at work but on my day off, it ain't good. I think the words 'Loose' and 'End' describe toda and in more ways than one!. I could sleep for England and have no energy at all which is making everything hard work. Still managed an hours practice today but my heart was not in it. The only highlight of today has been waiting for the 'Trick or Treaters' as I have an absolutely awful scary mask I was going to open the door wearing(no not my normal face) so I could frighten the little buggers away with (Roy loves Halloween so he can show them his wallet...they run a mile).

Teesy Weesy

We had someone come in to view there mother not long ago. They came back to the office saying that it did not look like her. Our immediate thought was that we had shown her the wrong body (not good for business that) but it was the fact that the illness had taken it's toll. We are not trained hairdressers, yet we curl and tongue and style! We are not trained make up artists but we powder and apply lipstick and mascara (and that's just me at weekends). We sometimes even have photo's to work to and try our best to make the person look as they were, before death. But on this occasion the person apologised ,saying that it did not look like her mother in hospital either. It's strange that in some cases people look younger when they pass away then again some change completely. I suppose I wish I had never gone to see my mum as the illness had ravaged her and I did not recognise her. I had to go though as I had been serving away in the Army. It really is up to your inner voice if it is right or wrong to view a loved one. Only you will know what the voice is saying and only you can listen or ignore it!

boob 2

Is it a coincidence that today, I have just started to stop aching and drowsy and feeling like poo, after stopping the Statins I was taking??? Although I do ache a bit that is due to a house removal I had to do and it was a long carry ending up with me almost demolishing a wall?
Played so so last night as it was all Jazz. did embarrass myself a tad though when I stood up in a piece of music that said Dixie and I thought it was just me....ooops. however it amused the audience bless.
Been on a private hire today to do a travellers Funeral. They really fascinate me as they are a very close knit community. Polite but firm and also they know how to mourn with lots of real emotion shown. It was strange though that I had no passengers in my Limo and did not have to carry. They had overbooked on cars which was fine with me as I could stand back and watch. I even managed to get a cup of coffee and slice of cake in the Church tea rooms where a rather nice lady told me about her topless Cyprus holiday....a good day! Way Hay!!!!!!

Boob

Quite a tiring weekend all in all even with the clock going back an hour I feel as if i could sleep for a week and that is unlike me?? Last nights gig was an intimate little tea dance where all the guests dressed in Forties Clothes? Apart from one girl who had obviously misheard and come in 'Naughties' clothes!!! The Band could not concentrate as she was popping out everywhere? Very nice though.
My highlight of the day was laying in the back of our removal van with a corpse. Our vehicle only holds 2 living people and we needed 3!!! Great life eh?

Manhatan

Our Tenor Saxplayer has been working really hard to become a vocalist. Last night he proved himself to be an excellent performer and singer. He has the looks and personality and it looks like he has done it for years with his contagious personality and professionalism. In fact he (as I said ages ago) would make an excellent front man. It was a shame though that once again our PA system let us down for the first part of the performance, but as the Band is so professional they kept going throughout.
Thanks to Doris my sat Nav, the outward journey took ages as she decided to take us the scenic route. On the way back we knocked about twenty minutes off the journey ,but had to brake hard for a cunningly placed speed camera (nearly had Roy as well, but he chucked his wallet out the car window attached to a chain and it acted as a brake?). It was a late finish but with the clocks going back we all got to bed about 1.30am (Not together you understand)
I watched a programme about the anti cholesterol drug Statins and wished I hadn't. I am back on them again and I have a choice of feeling like I have flu all the time or letting my arteries fur up to heart stopping clog point? Ah decisions, decisions?

Stanas to reason

The old tum playing up today so not relishing a late night and long journey for tonights gig. I was reading about the 70 stone man in the UK who is living of Benefits and managing to feed himself quite nicely. As his days are numbered ,if he does not change his lifestyle ,I was thinking about the poor Undertakers that may get dragged out of bed at 4am to remove his body. No doubt it will be upstairs with lots of twists and curves on the staircase. Their will be a stair lift in the way as usual and the body will probably be in the smallest room in the house, wedged behind a door? Now the Health and Safety bods will say 'Don't forget to lift with straight back and bent legs'..........Muppets.

Boxer

Time to make the 'Bozo' of the week award. It goes to today's idiot who was driving a 4 x 4 and towing a large trailer. Instead of waiting for the Hearse and car to pull off he tried to squeeze through. The trailer got stuck and it took 2 bearers and 2 mourners to man handle the trailer out of the way. If he had waited 2 minutes he could have got through easily.
The second prize goes to me! My partner was clearing her cupboards out and she gave me 2 boxes of Cocopops she didn't want. She didn't tell me they were both open boxes. So when I got out of the car, both boxes poured out on the road!!!!!. Actually I love the sound of Snap Crackle and Pop in the morning...and that is just me getting out of bed!

Levitate

My feet have not touched the floor today and its been all go. Great as the time goes quicker.
When I prepare the Gig list I always put what dress the Band are wearing (not the sequined ones with pink frills) for example Uniform or Dinner Jacket etc. I abbreviate Dinner Jacket as DJ but one of the organisers of an event we are playing at assumed it meant we were bringing our own Disc Jockey with us. We only have one jockey in the Band and he has a Horse called Treacle. its got golden Stirrups....yes I know.

Wasp

Not as good night playing as normal last night. A solo came out that I had not read in months (if not a year). It is a favourite track off a Sting album I have from the film Leaving Las Vegas and called My One and Only Love. I got through it ok but it could have been better.
On a hospital removal today we had some flak from a female motorist saying we were travelling too slow??? On the back of the removal van it clearly shows we are a Funeral Company. So at the traffic lights I had a polite word with the lady. I think she got the message!!! You see as my Grandad once said. you have to fight Fire with Fire....which is probably why he got thrown out of the Fire Brigade.

Oooh Matron

We got called out to do a residential home removal today. It is always sad to see the old folk snoring and dribbling in their armchairs. But when I think of it, it is just like me after my tea??? They have a character in the home who is always stood by the door night and day. He calls everyone Sergeant Major (correct this time) and is a really nice man. Apart from that he has this tendency to grab your bum and other things when you least expect it (I did not expect it so came as a great shock especially after the tree incident) and is rather inconvenient if you are carrying a stretcher? Mind you it did bring a smile to my face, which reminded me of the old saying.
Laugh and the World laughs with you...Trump, and you stand alone!

Banzai

I have managed to get through the day without anything falling on my head. Bloody miracle if you ask me. Last night we had some marvelous vocalists turn up to sing with the Band. There was one chap who arrived with only seconds to spare. He came straight on and did the job with absolutely no nerves.
It is frustrating though ,that it took a few weeks to organise the Guest Vocal night, and someone texts 2 hours before the gig to say they are ill??? All the commitment of a Kamikaze pilot on his tenth mission! if you ask me.

Lumberjack

What could possibly go wrong just an hour after crawling out of bed??? Such a nice day I decided to walk to get my paper. I had a choice of routes back. The short or long way. I chose the long way as such a pleasant day. Walking down the tree lined road, I noticed a bloke sawing away at a very large branch overhanging the path. Yes it even crossed my mind that it could fall ,just as I was passing underneath but what would be the chances of that. Anyway I was sure the bloke had taken safety precautions.. So I moved slightly to my left and kept walking.................Yep you guessed it. Just as I passed underneath it came crashing down on my head. Luckily the autumn fall had not affected this tree to much and the leaves ,that were clinging on for grim death, cushioned the blow to my already scarred head. The neighbours either side of him found it quite amusing that just my left arm and the top of my shiny dome were visible beneath this massive foliage? I managed to dig myself out with everything but my dignity in intact. The guy was apologetic to be fair. But I warned him next time to shout 'Timber' at least to give me chance to dive out of the way.
I am staying in for the rest of the day...just in case.

Dancing Queen

Got to bed about 2.30 am ,but after me and Julie the trumpet had shared 2 gallons of Mineral Water, I was up again at 4am syphoning for England!
Although the gig went well I was angry that the early set up team had been messed around ,so I negotiated a few extra shekels with the organiser to make up for the time they had to hang around.
A good gig, although our PA system gave up the ghost half way through and everyone sounded like Joe Pasquale when they sang or spoke through the mic.
At about 1am we had a couple of younger people dancing and a few that looked like they had walked of the set of Zombies as they had consumed an enormous amount of 'wobbly' juice. A girl asked me if we could play something modern. I said if she could hang on for half an hour we would regroup and play some ABBA hits. Then we p***ed off home!!!! I think she is still there?

No 7

Just as most folk are clambering into bed after a hard weeks work (well all apart from the scroungers and lay abouts ,whom I am working hard to support) the Band will just be starting work. Yes a nocturnal job being a musician but what a great experience in life never the less.
I still don't understand folk at Funerals. The Families I am sure would like their friends and neighbours around them in church or at the Crem. But people actually barge others out the way so they can sit on the back row as far away from the family as possible??? I don't get this at all. If at any time people in their lives need some comfort, it is now. The only time I like to sit on the back row is at the Cinema so nobody is crunching popcorn or texting behind me. I realised today that we are all put on this earth to complete certain tasks. I am so far behind with mine I should live forever???

Taxidermy

What an awful day. By awful I mean, that somehow I feel terribly guilty that we have not much work on. It's far to hard to explain ,but I should not have to feel like this at my age. Still you can only do your best and if that's not enough....!
The Fox was back last night and looking remarkably better, but I do not know what has happened to the rest of the family?
I am frustrated with an organiser of a particular job we are soon to do. I try and make things easier for the Band with reference to parking and stage entry etc but without the backing of the organisers I am stuffed. As you can probably tel...not a good day.

Texas

A bit of a 'Tumble weed' night in the Band last night. Absolutely no atmosphere. The vocalist had a really bad night as well and I felt for him ,as his daughter was in the audience. I had a couple of solo's but nothing to challenging.
My Fox's I am feeding seem to have gone down in numbers from 3 to 1? The one that is left seems to have an injury on his front paw? Although he is till eating well ,he is not tame enough to get near to. I will have to keep my eye on him.
Went for a Flu jab today. The nurse said 'It's only a little prick'!!!How does she know these things????

Old Mother

Shopping is the most important thing in the world. Well it must have been to the numpty who literally swerved between the Hearse (Fully Laden) and Limo to get to Tesco's. God, just once let me have chance to speak to one of these morons? I just need to know what goes through their heads(I know) and if it happened to them ,on a loved ones funeral, what would they think. I should not get angry anymore but I do. I get angry when I see the lazy drop outs draining the Social Fund dry and drinking all day. I get angry when old people are mugged and stabbed. I get angry when MP's are living the life of Riley and promising the changes they are going to make just before an election. All it would take to change this Country around is for the good people to say 'Enough' We have to fight back to put the 'Great' back into Britain. Because if we just sit and say 'It's not my problem' then we are finished.

Apple

My 6 monthly trip to the dentist today. I hate anyone messing about with my teggies but it has to be done. The most stressful thing was the waiting room though. Full of screaming kids and a woman with what sounded like swine flu. She was coughing and immediately after, fanning her face with a magazine, straight into the face of the poor woman sitting next to her. This poor lady started to lean away from her every time she hacked into her hankie. By the time I left the waiting room the lady was almost horizontal on the seat. True British not saying anything. Now if it were me ,I would have opened the window and thrown her out? Harsh but fair don't you think??

Hole

Before my partners Father passed away, he had a running battle with a Mole that was churning up his garden. It took him ages to catch the clever little devil, setting loads of fiendish traps, but this little mite was cunning and managed to survive all attempts to snare him, but not before it had made the lawn look like a miniature version of the Rockies. He did catch it in the end, and I know he was upset that the little fella had popped his clogs in the trap.
Strange then that when we visited his grave today there was a Mole mound on top of it!!! Now in the graveyard there must be hundreds of plots, but his was the only one that the Mole had left his signature on. He would have laughed at that I know. Sometimes things are more than coincidence, of that I am convinced.

Last on the Liszt

Having got out bed this morning, I felt completely drained? So decided to drive out to a local beauty spot, have a walk and a light lunch. The walk went ok and the restaurant only had 2 other couples in. I ordered a coffee and a cheese sarnie. I noted that the food was freshly prepared and may take a little longer than normal. My coffee arrived in the first 2 minutes. The sandwich never arrived at all. Half an hour later (I was in a devilish mood so wanted to see how long I could sit there before anyone noticed) a flustered waitress came up to see if I had my grub? Nope I replied. the waitress apologised saying that the chef was old. I explained I was old to, but had remembered I had ordered a cheese sandwich..... I walked out without paying.
Needless to say I am more grizzly now than when I got out of bed!!
Had a call to see if I would play in a Band in late October. I am starting to say no to things now. It's not the playing but the journey times i can't be bothered with, especially with work the next day. It is also ironic when the guy who wants to book a bone player has tried 10 others before he got to you???? See I do know my place in life.

Sum of

For the last month I have not had a drink. It's not that I am an alcoholic or anything as I have the liver of a 20 year old (apparently he wants it back) but I thought I might see how it affects the old guts. So basically the last month has been miserable. It's hard for a bloke to sit in the pub with a coke in front of him. Not to mention boring. I have not lost any weight either. In fact I have put a bit on. So my advice is drink and be merry. (or if you are Jordans boyfriend...drink and be Mary..... allegedly...).
Today my work mate said that I have been lucky not to knock the top off the scab on my head. So on the way home in the car I did just that. Made me feel more rotten than when I actually did it ,as it was healing nicely.
After deciding I would not put the heating on in my house as a protest against extortionate heating bills, I gave in last night. What a wuss.

Rap

Because of the incredibly large red scab on my head it is now attracting stares. Even when someone is talking to me you can see there eyes wander to the top of my shiny dome? You can just tell that they are dying to ask what it is??
The guest vocal night is fast approaching and I already have 7 singists lined up for the concert. I would have had 2 more but have heard nothing from them since asking for their details. I hope it is not like last time ,when they just turned up on the night. I do explain clearly that I need to send them a song list and they have to pick some titles so I can prepare a list.But you just know, that some, just do not get it??
I have already wrapped half of my chrimbo presents (sad but I love winding people up) and have not been stuck for ideas. Not like my partner who keeps asking me what I want and I always say 'World Peace' Try wrapping that!!!
Actually you see, I am just a modern man and listen intently through the year as to what my partner says in shops. If she says 'Oooooh that's nice' it goes on the mental list (apart from the time a Ferrari went past us) and will be purchased at a later date if it falls within my budget of £3. 56 pence!

Whale meet again

Well I still managed to make it to Band last night despite my near death experience (I call it that cos banging your head on a coffin is pretty close don't you think?) and losing copious amounts of blood (ok a slight exaggeration but everyone was impressed how I had managed to spurt it up the walls and doors.)
Turns out though that one of the trumpet players had a bigger cut than me as he had banged his head on his caravan (No comparison eh!) Mind you his did not bleed and he did not have ambulance and Fire Brigade attending (ok ambulance). Had about 4 solos to do. One of them was extremely high and I was hoping the cut would burst with the pressure I was exerting,and sent a spurt of my O Pos into the air, thus getting a bigger round of applause.....but I only managed a dribble (my age obviously)
Today I drew the short straw to help another company out. This was the same company that I nearly got done with for driving through a red light. Not this time though as I stopped at every one. A big Funeral with over 400 mourners and a trip out to Newstead Abbey. A very full day and just how I like em.

Al

It's amazing how your life can change in the blink of an eye, or in this case, the pointed edge of a coffin.
We took a coffin delivery this morning and unfortunately they had been stacked wrong. I bent down to move one and stood up under the edge of a coffin.
I have never seen blood spurt so far. Turns out I had nicked an artery in my head.
My mate called the paramedics because blood was streaming down my face. Being an ex medic I told my mate what to do ,before I ended up in a heap on the floor. I then lay on the floor and waited for the ambulance guy to arrive.
Apart from a dressing and pressure to stop bleeding, I managed to get away without stitches which is great as my head is scarred enough already with other accidents. In my first year of the Army in Northern Ireland we had to put on a pantomime for the troops. I played sneezy, one of the seven dwarfs which is odd as I am 5 foot 11 inches tall? Anyway after a long day of rehearsals someone shouted to get off the stage before they called another walk through. I ran and jumped and hit my head on the door. Blood everywhere and loads of stitches. the next time was when I was an Engineer and walked past a sheet metal guillotine. The guy who was pulling down the metal handle did not see me and the iron handle went down on my head. He thought it strange the metal had not cut and brought it down again on my head which was still in the same place. So now you know why my middle name is lucky. Actually what with all the scars, the top of my bonce looks like a map of the inner ring road in Nottingham??

Hughie

One of my work mates had to go home ill today. Last week he was driving the Limo and I was riding shotgun with the mourners in the back. He started to feel ill and said he thought he was having a heart attack. A bit disconcerting this as he had a tight grip of the wheel. I knew he wasn't having a heart prob but he was having a panic attack so I told him to breath slowly and relax. he did and we survived phew. However he went home today as he has an ear infection and the tablets he is taking made him throw up. Unfortunate as he was conducting a Funeral again so I had to rush back to the crem to take over. Rumour has it that he vomited in his Top hat...must remember not to borrow it! Exciting day all in all.
Big turn out for the dance last night and even I attempted a Quickstep. Although I think I have invented a new step. We got round the Dance floor, only injuring about 4 other couples which isn't too bad?

Skippy

Spent an hour on the new CD so decided I was fit enough to play tonight as I managed to get through without coughing my wig off!
I must have been poorly last night because a stray cat wandered into my house and sat with me for an hour??? I am not really a cat person but what with the foxes and this little mite I could be persuaded?

I have to say that the worse joke I have heard this week goes like this.

Whats the difference between a Kangaroo and a Kangaroot?

Well one is an Australian Animal and the other is a Geordie stuck in a lift!!!

This is a type of joke that works better on paper than delivered Aurally?

Strange things happening in my house at this time. Upstairs I have purchased a Grandfather clock. Twice now the key has decided to launch itself down the stairs of its own accord. Once while my partner was in the house. This morning the doorbell started ringing by itself (no it wasn't the stray cat wanting a return visit.

Anyway must get Sunday lunch on. fresh Veg Potatoes and a lovely feline steak!!!!!

Banker

Cold is coming out in full now and was so pleased when my phone went in the early hours of Sat morning (ok 9am but I was in my death bed ,man flu and all that) . Dragging myself down stairs I found it was my Bank calling me to tell me there was wrong date on a works cheque???? That now means I wont get paid until it clears as it was dated wrong (2011). Great start to the day. I then went and picked my partner up and off we toddled (staggered) to Oakham for lunch and shopping. Of course I got hit by the old tum problem and legged it to Tescos to use there bog, picking up a basket on the way to make out I was a shopper!!! Anyway as the day wore on I started to wear out, so put a couple of musicians on standby for Sunday. I am a brave little soldier!!! but I can't blow when I am coughing.
Purchased another play a long CD for when I am better. Cough Sputter Groan!!!!

Coffin

After me and Dave the Mic did a recce on a venue for a gig last night, I managed to get in a whole hours practice!! Well almost an hour in between coughing fits.
Today has been manic and no matter how tired I am , that's how I like it. One poignant thing that happened today was I was called to a house removal.
Poor chap had passed away in the living room. he had served his country and died with dignity. the saddest thing was he had a little budgie flying around the house. Me and my colleague both said the same thing. The little bird knew he had lost his Dad?? You could just tell. It was very sad.

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