Slab

Having plastered the top of my head with the highest factor lard, I set about my favourite task.....gardening. I got it into my head, that on the hottest day of the year I would move my sunken patio (it sank on it's own') A great idea with a hernia and 90 degrees in the shade. Still it looks great now (if you squint with one eye). Gardening was never my forte and never will be. I put this down to my Dad who dragged me out when I was a kid to help him do the edges of the lawn. I am scarred for life now.
Well I got the BGT result correct and as I predicted a few days ago the favourite fell at the last hurdle. Still she is set to be a millionaire in the first year but I fear for her health with the pressure she will now face? A bit of a practice with the Band tonight so I need to work on a couple of things.

Ninty Nine

For saying I was wide awake at 4am and never got back off, I have had a cracking day. Went into Lichfield and while my partner went shopping I sat and people watched! Very relaxing. Add a very nice lunch (with no dash to the bog after) and a very large Ice Cream, it made for the perfect day. Also bought a couple of play along CD's and they are mighty challenging. A very good day.

Euronate

Clutching my 2 warm samples for the second time, I patiently waited for my slot with the Doctor. 40 minutes later I was still waiting. It was fascinating that I was the only English speaking person in the waiting room, and representatives from most other countries were also waiting there allotted time. There were mobiles going off, kids screaming and one mother changing a pooey nappie on the waiting room seat??? I finally got to see the Doc and had the water tested, only to have my fears confirmed. something was there that should not be (No not Stella!!) Anyway as I type my sample is now under a microscope being analysed as to where the foreign body is coming from?? I have to wait but have renamed the NHS the No Hurry Service....
The Doctor was more indignant that I had dared to test my own water. But when I explained (politely) that I had a Mum die at an early age from a misdiagnosis ,he soon shut up. I am still dragging myself out of the pit of worry and having a quick tootle, but I have to say my heart is not in it at this time. It does not help working with the dead every day and hearing the stories like 'Ooooooh all he did was find something in his wee! and the next moment he had snuffed it' Just what you need. Anyway my sense of humour is still intact so far and hopefully will see me through the wait.

Green

Well my faith in justice has ben restored as no further action is being taken regards the Red Light incident. I should be over the moon but feel so under the weather at this time that it has been somewhat overshadowed.
I am at the docs today so once and for all I need to get it sorted and at least I have something to show that something is not quite right.
My work colleagues have been very supportive and discussed what I want at my Funeral!!! Well that is how our sense of humour works ,so it does not bother me at all. In fact everyone should plan what they want and not leave it until it is to late.
My theory is the next few weeks are going to be a little different. Am I worried...yes. Am I scared.....nope.

Chris Rea

So I turn up for my appointment at the Doctors with loads of time to spare clutching my still warm samples.... only to find that the appointment is for Thursday??? It was an Irish receptionist and Tursday does sound like Tuesday if said in a broad Belfast accent. So I took my now cooling samples and went home, only to repeat the process again in a couple of days. That really is taking the p***.
Apparently I was in the paper, mentioned for my shoulder to shoulder fight with a local MP on a road safety issue. Between us we got it resolved, so I am pretty chuffed I have done something about it.
I played well last night. Even my jazz went up a notch. Surprising to say I was not looking forward to it but it turned out very enjoyable.. I introduced a new singer to the Band leader and he made an excellent job of his debut performance. Roll on Thursday.

Rapture

Yep really wanted to go to work today after a relaxing weekend. However I am made of stern stuff! and off I went forgetting it was half term. This means that my journey was about 30 minutes shorter, meaning I was at work early!!!! not the ideal thing considering my mood this morning. As there was no work on I realised I was in for a hard day. If my mind is not occupied then I am in trouble. However a fast ball came in from another company so I went off to drive for them.
I am back at the doc's today for various things (I like to save them up and see how fast I can get them all in the 10 minute spot). One of the things I have been putting off is having a Hernia done! Not that I am a coward, but the MRSA levels are still showing up at our place of work. I am also concerned about the amount of time I would have to have off to recover. Not good for the company when it is quiet and no money coming in and wages going out! One day I might start to think of myself and not others for a change lol? The worse thing about the operation is I would not be able to blow for a while, just as I am beginning to get some semblance of a lip back?
Still no fine in the post. This is cruel if they are going to send it as it is over 14 days now???
Band tonight but not really in the mood for it, but hopefully when I blow the first note my enthusiasm will burst forth (or my hernia)

Boils

Into the Peak District and with a borrowed dog on the lead for another relaxing day. If you get chance to visit the town of Winster go have a look. If you wander off the main road it feels as though you have stepped back in time? Also to a water mill and craft village. Yep I am feeling very cultural at this time, although it has not swayed me from wanting to live by the sea in Yorkshire? Avidly watching Britain's Got Talent. On the first night the correct 2 went through ,although the amount of pressure on the singer was immense and showed ,when she fluffed the first couple of bars. She pulled it together though, but I am betting here, that although she is favourite, she will be pipped to the post in the final by a Dance act!!!
Back to work tomorrow and whisked back into the real world! Oh joy.

Sirtis

Another great day in the sun. My solar panel on top of my head is well charged up. Been to a Marina today and won a prize on the Tombola. I usually win the comb and brush set, but this time I won a bear with a hood? Even Teddy's have asbos it would seem these days? I was looking at the price of Canal barges. What a great life it must be living on the canals and sailing from pub to pub for the rest of your life. The cheapest I could afford though was a 2 man rowing boat. As I do not want to spend the rest of my life with another man I am going to give it a miss!
I really do not want to go back to 'dead world' next week but what choice do I have? my 6 numbers have not come up. In fact I did not get any and think there should be a prize for that.

Goo

Although I have some nagging worries going off in my life at this time, today has been a great day. The sun makes so much difference to everything (The Daily Express ain't bad either!!) First time I have worn my sun glasses for ages (prescription ones) but I forgot to take them off when we went for a coffee. I promptly tripped over a baby's high chair much to the amusement of the customers. The baby wasn't to impressed though. Still at that age they are supple and the fall was only about 5 feet!
I also called in at a local Supermarket. They gave me a bag for life. Unfortunately on the way out one of the handles fell off?
Still no letter in the post, can I begin to believe that my begging letter had the court in tears???

Dash

Bad day today as no energy and extremely tired. So not the best day for a medical check up!! Actually I was not impressed with the set up that they had as I was the last customer of the day and it felt as if I was on a conveyor belt being passed (very quickly) from person to person? Then you have to wait 21 days for results....almost as bad as waiting for the Red Light fine to pop through the door. Actually I thought it would be here by now, but I suppose I am being led into a false sense of security? Had chance to speak to the Trumpet playing undertaker today!
Apparently he does not read the dots and only plays by ear! so not much good to the Band, although he does seem like a real character. Rumblings in the Band that it has lost it's sparkle? I think the Band is doing extremely well, and the one's that are doing the rumbling should have a go!!! Crikey my successor has only been in front of the Band for 5 months and not many gigs in that time to get used to it. It takes time to find your feet.
Back to them that do and them that don't? me thinks. Actually the stage show that I worked on over all the years, is still in place including the bells in Pennsylvania 6500, the walk around in Tuxedo etc etc and as I have more time to look around the audience, I still see smiling faces. So all cant be that bad.

Raw Hide

Looking out the office window today when my boss shouted that a car was rolling down the road without a driver. By the time we got outside the car had hit the back of a stationary vehicle. We waited to see who the owner was, taking bets on if Male or Female!!! It was a bloke. thing is he casually walked down the road and started to get into his car. I shouted to him and he was totally oblivious that he had parked his car in a different place? Also he did not understand that if his car had not been stopped by the stationary van, it could have killed someone. Anyway we got his address and number plus photos of the incident. I feel sorry for the poor chap who's van he hit.
Any day now I expect a letter from the safety camera people asking for my licence so they can give me a souvenir of my red light incident.
Forgot to mention that I saw a friend who had been diagnosed with the big C. He lost his hair due to the chemo, but when I saw him this week, his hair had grown back thicker and healthier. It is so good to see a success story.

Punjab

Did a Funeral today for another company. One of the bearers was a Jamaican fellow and I found out later that he regularly walks in front of the Hearse playing the Trumpet. It seems he is also a fine jazz player so I am going to do a bit more investigation about him.
Ok concert last night but only 3 bones. Had a solo in second half. I hope Tommy Dorsey will not mind but I play Song of India open and not muted as directed. Artistic licence??? I have to make a decision weather to go for a private medical check that is in the area. It is quite expensive but as one chap said at work, we spend more on our cars. If my body were a car it would be a Skoda me thinks (second hand 6 owners!!!)

Webbing

I am looking forward to a play along CD arriving in the post to stimulate me into more practice (I already have loads of these books but get bored easy) and try and improve on my Janet and John Jazz.
I am a little bit disillusioned at this time, but can't comment at the moment on why. However it still seems to me that the people who contribute the minimal amounts to projects seem to have the loudest voice when it comes to opinions? I said I would be honest on this Blog and will abide by that. But for the moment I am a little angry with a situation that seems to be unfolding. I will keep you in suspenders until I know more.

Camp

A bit Trombone heavy in the first half ,but enjoyed it even though I fluffed one note (this must be a female mouthpiece as it is so temperamental!!). Our Bass Trombone player had been tootling the first few bars of Sentimental Over You for ages. So last night we threw it over to him and he made a superb job ,nailing the high notes like a pro and on a big bore bone.
Recently we did a Funeral of a person who was in their 100th year. I listened in on the service hoping that the vicar would say that they liked at least 5 pints of Stella every night.....but nope, they had been tea total all their lives and lived an honest and decent life. Reward indeed me thinks and I am a great believer in the afterlife so this person certainly deserved their place. It is said in the book that Jesus went to prepare a place for us, as in his house their are many rooms. I just know when I get their (if) I will get a one man tent!!!!

No Way

A relaxed weekend apart from cleaning the car, the house, my bird (the feathered one) practicing, shopping, ironing, cooking and watching the Eurovision Song Contest. Oh yes I sat there waving my miniature Union Jack and sipping Early Gray tea whilst pressing the red button and singing along to all the entries? 5th??? Gordon Bennet why didn't we resurrect some songs from the 70s and use them? What about 'Standing in the road' or The show must go on? Instead we use a show song and have Andrew Lloyd Webber trying to smile at the camera possibly deterring European Countries from ever visiting the UK again (Hmm perhaps deliberate then?) I also noticed that most of the ladies were wearing skirts so short that they were nearly exposing there Lady Gardens. I have recorded those bits for further study. So the winner was a Norwegian violin playing schoolboy who could not sing (Ok he looked pretty young to me) and would not have got through the door of Britain's Got Talent (or maybe not cos we didn't win). Ah well there is always next year?
I have managed to get my Cold Sore down to half the size of my face, so hopefully I can play ok tonight. Great Weekend. Not.

Fracture

Had word that a member of our Band is poorly in hospital. I have sent him a text and tried to cheer him up with the promise of nurse's giving him a bed bath etc....actually might book in for the bed next to him. Had a take away sarnie today. I was asked what I wanted on it and I said everything apart from peppers and chillies....just what my guts need. So when I got it home I took a mighty bite out of it, only to get a mouthful of....you guessed it. The next few hours should be interesting. Went to a local freezer centre today. When I came out I saw 3 young girls huddled at the front of my car. I totally expected them to be nicking my wheels but instead they were having a crafty fag? They must have been all of 13. It is a rough area so I knew better than to speak. So I just smiled. What with the massive cold sore and my cheesy grin they nervously smiled back? Shame they are smoking at such an early age (mind you I started at 15). I got up to 40 a day at one point but after the parachute accident I knew I had to give up as I had to pass my fitness tests to stay in the Army. It wasn't easy but I did it, and if I can do it anyone can. I even tried a pipe once which looked pretty naff when I went to disco's. I remember putting the pipe in my pocket once to go and have a dance (on my own) only to set fire to my pocket. I really think that I was the founder of break dancing in the early 70's

Mixture

I have to say a bad day with energy levels very low and IBS very high? Did a trip to the Coffin factory and then a removeal at hospital. The hard thing is trying to look busy when we are not. Have managed a light training session though but it has been a struggle? Not sure whats happening but at this rate I should be 11stone wet but instead I am putting weight on? Definitely a roller coaster ride this week?

Kiwi

I have a cold sore the size of a small Polish village on my lip? It is extremely painful but the good point is it is nowhere near my playing area so I can still put the mouthpiece to my lips without ripping off huge amounts of skin, hooray hurrah etc etc. When they do appear on the playing area, I get a razor and cut it off, immediately putting some white spirit on. I can tell you that procedure makes your eyes water.
I actually feel like I have not slept for 20 years (not far off) today and am just coasting. Wonder if it is the weather? Luckily I have not got to much on at this time so can get a bit of peace!!! if that's possible with a manic screeching bird in the house (No not my girlfriend, oh I don't know though!!)

Delectable

Last night I can honestly say I was 'chuffed' with one particular piece I played. 'Marie' is certainly not a low blow but goes up into the god's. It was also scheduled for the second half. I hit every note and was well impressed. However I completely naffed up the jazz bit that came just after but as I ain't a jazzer so this did not concern me too much. I have managed to go without a cold or a cold sore for 16 months? But this year I have already had a flu type virus and this morning felt the starts of a Cold Sore. This is a strange phenomenon for me as I only have to look at a Cold Sore and I start with one? This morning I saw one and 2 hours later mine is sprouting. This must be a medical mystery. Luckily it is not near the mouthpiece area so apart from looking like a leper from Victorian London it should not be too bad. I ate a bag of dried apricots last night to try and solve a problem that I have had since the weekend rush. It worked........... many times!

Morph

Ok here is a sample of my so called workmates sense of humour. The cartoon roughly depicts me going through a red light in a limo and the bus driver braking frantically (which he didn't) Do you know if 'Vision On' was still going. old Tony Hart would have given a prize for this. Got revenge today though as the artist (!) is in agony with strained testicles? and is walking like John Wayne after a particularly long ride. I can draw great gonads so got my own back at last.

I had a bet with myself that because I had made a right mess of changing the rehearsal date, that some musician's would be unable to make it. I won, which has really made a hash of it. I think the landlord hypnotised me so he could get more punters in?

Hen night

I have made a cock up. We are supposed to be having a rehearsal next week and the Landlord of the pub convinced me that I had said I would contact the Band as we are missing so many Sundays with Bank Holidays etc. Anyway I had to take a quick canvas of some of the Band so we could announce it and all said Concert? I suppose with the large audiences we are getting now we should keep up the momentum but I let poor old Dave the MC down as he needs rehearsal time?
The ongoing Red Light crime is still ongoing. the other company is drafting a grovelling letter as is mine and they are all being sent off together. This incident is still eating away at me because of the points I will probably get and have them for 3 years to remind me that I was only trying to do my job?
I enjoyed playing this weekend, but this new mouthpiece is really making me work hard. Hard to explain ,but it is like using one of those bendy wire things that you have to negotiate without setting a buzzer off. A fraction out with the embouchure and you are in the poo.
Cock and Poo all in one Blog? standards are dropping.

Leg it.

It takes courage to stand in front of a band and try and manipulate an audience. Tonight our MC did a sterling job and he should be extremely pleased with himself. The Band sounded awesome tonight. We all started off a little loud due to playing on carpet, but it soon settled down. The OBB is now well established as a great semi pro Band and is ,in my view ,the top Band in the Midlands.
I did something strange tonight. Because my tummy keeps swelling up I went round prodding various musicians belly's to see if they felt the same as mine? They all did apart from one of our trumpet players? It turned out I was prodding his money belt which was very soft owing to the enormous amount of white fivers he has stashed in there!
Also a bonus night for me as I got to feel our lady vocalists leg. She snagged her tights on a bit of Velcro on my bag (don't ask!) only she said they were not tights but stockings. I did not believe her so she let me have a feel. What a great night!!! She made a happy man very old.
P.S This was written at 1.30am Sunday morning but will show up as a Saturday post?? Must be an American host.

Andy Capp

The Doctors got fed up hearing about my gut problems over the years that they gave it a label called IBS. I now know where every toilet is in the City centre. Good job I did as i was caught short today and dashed to the nearest one only to find out it was out of order. I then had a half mile dash to the next public bog only to find that it must be the annual convention of the IBS society as the queues outside the traps were enormous. The only thing I could do was beat a hasty retreat to some disabled toilets I knew of. There was no one there when I arrived so straight in and to my mighty relief let go of my now aching clenched buttock cheeks (graphic or what!) After the deed had been done I was just about to flush and go (It's like wash and go but smellier) when I heard voices outside the bog. I waited but so did they. So with my best pained expression I opened the door and put on a terrible limp as I walked down the road. Did I feel guilty? Nawwww but strangely the lady walked straight in the toilet and straight out again and she looked mighty green when I looked back. Can't think why....

Home Guard

I have posted my driving dilemma on a web site that is called ' Fight Back for Motorists.' They are guaranteeing that someone will give great advice to try and get you off the summons.
I related my problem to the experts that monitor the site and am chuffed to report that all the feedback points towards the fact that I am.........doomed.
Been to see a play tonight by an Amateur company. I can't even tell you the title as I was more fascinated with 2 people in the audience in front of me.. Fact is the hall could hold at least 100 people easily. Fact was there were only about 40 in the audience but they squeezed us all into four rows which was mighty un-comfy. That is apart from the two extremely buxom ladies who actually took up 4 seats on the front row. I spent most of the play looking at the chairs and having a bet with myself in which act the chairs would collapse.
My partner said I was cruel, because on guessing there occupation I mentioned Sumo wrestling! Harsh but true me thinks. My serious thought was of the poor Funeral people who sometime in the future would get called out in the middle of the night to remove one of these unfortunate ladies as they had decided to shuffle off this mortal coil.
I will guarantee they will snuff it upstairs ,with a descending staircase that has two or three bends and a stanna stairlift fixed to the side, allowing space for only a midget to squeeze past.
I know I am getting more cynical about life (and death)..but...my belief is that our 'maker' or whoever you believe in ,gave us a body that we should try and take care of and look after to the best of our ability.
My goodness we take care of our cars more than we do ourselves and I do include myself in this, but I do try to keep a little fit, although my scales deny this fact!
I have to say that a member of the Band is extremely brave in volunteering to MC tomorrow night. The Band seem to have quite a few deps in and if I had a hat I would remove it in respect for this guy as he has stepped up to the line and I have to say I am mighty proud of him.

Book

After carrying a coffin on our shoulders that must have weighed 20 stone or more, my boss suddenly said that this carrying lark is not good for you? He said that the weight on one shoulder must throw your spine out and damage it. After all this time of carrying with a hernia and goodness knows what is happening in my belly it ,comes as a relief. But will it change..........nope! Also at a Funeral today, the two old chaps at the back of the church are supposed to play Cd's as the coffin comes into church. These guys have never got it right yet and we had to stand waiting for ages while they figured out which was the 'play' button. They then turned the vicars microphone up to loud so that feedback reverberated around the church and then played the wrong track going out? I looked at them both and not a sign of urgency between them. Wish I could be like that!
I have a busy weekend ahead playing and I could have played tonight but I think I am going to a show. Not sure what I am going to see as my partner is arranging it so I hope it features nudity and buxom ladies......but I doubt it.

Blight on

Well my psychic guide Enid gave me a feeling the post would contain something nasty today. It did and from the police camera team. Yes they are doing me for the red light incident last week. Turns out though that they have also caught the two limo's in front. Now here is the strange thing. Even though I kept close to the Third Limo all the speeds are different. The first Limo caught was doing 21 mph. the one I followed was doing 41 mph!!!! and I was doing 16 mph? So none of it makes sense? However the only glimmer of hope is the company in charge of this farce of a Funeral are collaborating all our letters etc to try and get us off. I am livid as I only followed what the other company did in their own area. Will I get done. Enid says yes!!!

Bow

I would say that last nights concert was a disaster. It was like an Earthquake at the start as the foundations never settled after the first number. You had instrumentalists pushing the tempo in ballads when they should have been listening to the vocalist. A section jumped 8 bars together!!! and right at the end of a drum solo a section took it on themselves to finish early instead of waiting for the cursory 8 cymbal crashes? Very embarrassing. Now for a fact you did not know. Did you know that in most cars, if you look at the petrol gauge, it has an arrow showing you which side the petrol cap is on....hmmmm it's an education here lol. Mind you Roy has arrows in his house so he knows where his wallet is!! (Not that it ever comes out)

Bottom Line

Nice intimate little gig last night at a 80th surprise Birthday. Only about 40 people but with a buffet fit to feed 100s. I was annoyed with myself that I went up twice, so next step obese. There was a young guy in a wheelchair at the dance. It did not stop him as he and his partner moved to our music on the dance floor. In fact I was touched as I have never seen two people so much in love. Our poor old bass Bone player was a bit stressed last night. As he went to leave his house he found that he had been blocked in by an Ambulance. Now he works with blue lights all the time but this one caused him some problems as he was running late. He made it on time, set his bone, music and mutes out and was on the ball straight away. Was looking forward to playing Under My Skin solo last night but it got pulled at the last minute. As usual during Tuxedo I was bouncing up and down on some young ladies lap, when I felt my bum being fondled. I thought it strange as it was doing nothing for me. Turns out it was our sax player Kal. thank goodness my instincts are still intact!!!

Black Adder

How does the weather know it is Bank Holiday? Absolutely freezing today and a trip to the Medieval Market. Street musicians, knights and Maypole dancing (I looked a right pillock) plus lots more in a closed off old street. Bumped into another undertaker so we chatted about the price of death, as you do. Gig tonight which is unusual especially as back to work tomorrow.

Ulrika

I have spent the morning on a pleading letter (yes I am a right little pleader) for when the red light letter drops through my boss's door. My poor old dad is up in arms about it too and will probably chain himself to the courts railings if I get points. The next few days will hold the key.
I started growing some salad stuff in the garden at work. I have never done this before but all my workmates are experts (!). I just bunged the seeds in and waited. the radishes are coming up nicely. However all the Charlie Dimocks said I ought to spread the now growing roots more widely and replant them. I did and they all died? So now for the lavish salad bowl I was expecting, I have one manky beetroot and a swede?

A Tissue

Had a good day today.Went out for lunch and to visit another town where me and my partner both bumped into people from work. Small world. I see the Pandemic news is quietening down but not before the headless chicken syndrome of spending loads of money on advertising. I somehow think that if this had been as serious as they had made out, that the Funeral industries would have been briefed. Lets pretend it was a pandemic and worse than anyone expected. Firstly it is hoped that the undertakers would be immunised against the virus (depending on if they had created an anti virus in time and the latest one is 4 months off) also coffin manufacturers would be alerted , cheaper wood, chipboard, cardboard would be brought in, and many more basic coffins would be made. Funerals themselves would be cut from the 40 minute average service., to straight in the crem and straight out. There would be no viewing and definitely no dressing in clothes, the coffin being sealed immediately the body was collected.. Funerals would go on through the day and night. Pretty scary huh? It makes me smile that the Government made TV adverts telling you to cough and sneeze into your hand or hanky then wash your hands. There are some people who have never done this since they had been born and the advertising would be a complete waste on them as they will never understand. It is these folk who would eventually be responsible for spreading the virus and they would be oblivious to the fact. That is until thousands had died and then they would be set upon in the streets as people got wise to the possible outcome of their unhygienic ways. Could be a science fiction story and yet again it could turn out to be real as a similar thing happened in a village not far from here. It was called Eyam.

Hammy

Dave the Bass Bone sent me a text today.He said he might miss the gig on Monday as he thinks he has got the swine flu. He tells me that he has come out in Rashers!!!!
Actually if I was still fronting this would have been a gem of a week for topical jokes. Busy day today and promoted to hearse driver for the last Funeral. Pity I had to go to the same cemetery that I had the red light incident so I was extremely cautious. Even stopped when I passed a kid sucking a red lolly!!!!