Tom and Jerry

I am still moaning about the red light incident yesterday (sounds dodgy?). and it hasn't helped that there are cartoons being displayed at work about the incident. I nearly laughed my hair off.....

Met a lovely lady today at the Crem who reads the blog (I thought I was in an empty room alone!!!) I am glad that I can bring a smile sometimes to peoples faces.



On a more grim note we had to fetch a body today that was decomposed. This is not pleasant at the best of times and even the mortuary assistant grimaced. However guess what the family brought in??? Yes clothes. Some things are impossible but we will do our best. Sometimes the best way is not to disturb the deceased and lay the clothes in the coffin but that will have to be discussed.

Managed a practice last night even though I was angry about the driving incident. my boss is going to write a letter to try and get me off, which probably means they will put me away for life lol.

By the way the photo above shows you the wondeful things you can do with flowers for a Floral Tribute.

Done 4

Apart from feeling absolutely awful ,today has been a nightmare as I have been flashed going through a red light as part of a Funeral Cortege.
This means a £60 quid fine and points on my unblemished licence. I was in an area that was new to me and had to keep up otherwise traffic would have got between the Limo's or worse i would have got lost. I am fuming about this as I was trying to be professional. Anyway I will take it to court as I ain't paying.
I rang the NHS help line to today about Swine Fever. All I got was crackling???

DC

My mates hols have been cancelled thanks to the Swine Fever break out. I have always said that people are very selfish when it comes to spreading germs. You just know that even now someone is getting on a plane feeling poorly and coughing into the Air Conditioning spreading the disease around those breathing in the air. I tried to talk him into a caravan holiday in Skeggy instead..Mexico.....Skeggy it's about the same surely?

Bank

Had to collect a dog that had been in the kennels yesterday. He had been there for a week and I was collecting him for his owner to collect from my house. Now anyone who knows me knows how much I love dogs and how I would like one. In my rush to get out the car to collect him, I slammed my car door shut, but forgot to take my thumb out. My howls were louder than the ones coming from the kennels? At least I had a dog all for myself for 30 minutes though!!!
Played a bit better last night and came away feeling a bit more positive about the new mouthpiece.
Today we had burials and today it never stopped raining. As we waited by the graveside for the mourners to come out of church we were getting drenched and yet they ambled along quite dry under their umbrellas stopping to look at gravestones on the way grrrrrr.
My work colleague is off to Mexico on Friday. He is worried about the outbreak of Swine Fever that has broken out in the country. I told him not to worry as I had seen him eat so we wouldn't know if he had got it or not when he got back???

Cooper

Well I survived the wedding but I don't think the Bride was to impressed when the CD broke down on her grand exit? I am sure I have this little angel on one shoulder and a little devil on the other. Especially when the vicar says if anyone has got anything against this marriage then speak now. Every wedding I go to the angel tells me to keep quiet and the little devil in me wants me to stand up and say something silly!!! It's always touch and go. I was talking to a neighbour today who wants me to look out for a delivery of a new mattress Monday when I get home from work. She has decided to sleep in a separate room because her husband snores and fidgets keeping her awake. I have sympathy for her as I have had the same (not sleeping with her hubby you understand!!) as I am a terrible sleeper and even worse with someone else. I spent some time changing a few lyrics in Minnie the Moocher. There are so many different versions out there that no two versions seem the same.

Banana 2

Friday was a manic day. I was supposed to have an early finish in lieu of overtime but I stayed on as we were snowed under. Again my views against dressing bodies was strengthened yesterday when I had to dress an old lady on my own. Although the bra went on, it was a different story as I tried to get her arm in her blouse. All the skin came away. If you can imagine rolling a long glove down an arm then this is the same affect of skin slip. So that meant that there was blood on the shirt and this had to be hidden in some way before the body was viewed! After I finished and had stitched the mouth closed, you would not have noticed, but how undignified is this? One movement into a coffin with a smart funeral gown would alleviate all this nasty business and is much more respectful.
Today I have to go to a Wedding. I hate weddings. I am only going to support my partner otherwise I would run a mile. It is said that a man is not complete until he is married and then he is finished. As for walking down the Aisle. All you can hear is the bride muttering 'Aisle change him' Arghhh a nightmare. I think I have to do Minnie the Moocher tomorrow. I don't really think the audience like it, but I will do it as it has been scheduled. I haven't seen the words for the last 6 months or so although I think I can remember the first 2 verses. I just hope the drummer remembers the time change!!!

In ter me mate (dalek)

On Wednesday we had to take a coffin home which turned out to be quite difficult to get up the steps and around the door frame but we managed it as dignified as we could. Yesterday we had to fetch it out again and all went well until coming down the steps. One of our chaps who is only about 3 foot tall slipped and fell in the bushes. We told him that his ambition to be a Garden Gnome would have to wait and to get up and carry the coffin.
We were talking about the strangest things put into a coffin. I know of a sewing machine that went in as it was down the end I was carrying. But also a Computer has been interred with the deceased and more interestingly a Trombone??? Now when I am cremated I may have my ashes sealed in my bone and have that buried, and the way I feel with these new tablets it may not be long cos I ache all over.

Booze Cruise

So the Budget is out. Is it a coincidence that the the people who earn £150k a year are going to be taxed to the hilt and yet the average (sic) MP earns approx £141k. Why not get some of these lazy gits off benefits and stop the booze allowance for alcoholics? Why not reduce the Bank Managers huge pensions and Councillors wages. Maybe then we can dig ourselves out of this pit of doom that the decent folk are being pushed into.

Buds

A couple of solos last night and mainly jazz. I am trying to learn that I do not have to blow so hard now to reach the upper register. However there was a complaint from the audience last night that they couldn't hear the singer. In fact one geezer sits there with cotton wool in his ears?? Now what pleasure can their be in that. It does seem to be the trend now that the Big Bands are getting louder and I don't know why as they are starting to lose the velvet sound associated with swing etc. We have a deceased person with us who is one of the ever increasing challenges appertaining to body weight. The problem with this is that the doctor is refusing to come out and sign the forms as he lives a few miles away. He wants us to take the body to his surgery so that he can see it, confirm this is a dead person and sign the forms. Now can you imagine if we roll into the waiting room taking our place in the queue with a corpse....not a good advert me thinks for the NHS?

Wine

Back to a full training session yesterday so I am pleased with that. I was talking to a vicars wife and she had had it for 6 weeks!!! Went to Dentist for check up and he said that the pain I had been getting was because a filling had split and was sticking into my gum? Tough us Undertakers you know, or no sense no feeling!. Anyway that cost me £50 and a numb mouth for 3 hours but still managed a 30 minute 'blow' last night. My Boss wound me up as they had been out for the day and to my favourite place 'Staithes' he said that he could understand why I wanted to live there. Living the dream or dream on?

Float

Can you believe that we took a booking for 2014 this weekend? There is nothing like getting in early is there? I have a dentist appointment today and I am glad as I have had toothache for the last few days so I presume I need a filling replacing. I have realised that slowly I am falling to bits. Been very busy at work today. we were just about to go on a job when a removal came in. Can you believe that within 15 minutes we had the body back in our Mortuary whilst still working at a dignified pace. Not so for the call out team this weekend who were called to a decomposing body. I have been on these and the smell is awful and it gets inside your own body as well. One I went to had been dead for 2 weeks. When we turned him over......well if I had been a Fisherman in them days I could have saved some money. Gross I know but it is a fact of life (death) that Joe public never really get to see. Now you can probably see why I want to win the Lottery and move to a cottage by the sea. Still it does harden you up for life, but I have such a cynical view of the world now that maybe it has not done me any good?

Though your heart is aching

4 months ago I gave up fronting the most successful Band in the Midlands. I am still being asked when I am going back onto the 'mic'. I am not ,as it really is over. I try and give everything 110% (is that possible) and for over 12 years that's what I did. Before this I felt their was no one capable to hand over to. But 2 years ago I started talking to a superb musician who was made for the role He is now in charge and doing an excellent job. My old mate in the Band said that he can't get used to me smiling when I walk into the room these days. Ok, it is hard at first to sit within the Band, but it is getting easier and the smile is getting slightly wider. I have to say though that my life is a roller coaster of a ride and although the smile may be false at times to hide the demons, it is real good at the moment
Now how did I play tonight. Well, most of my solo's came in the second half. Fairly high bits in Night Train and The Touch of your Lips. I would say mediocre. However I have asked for a mic now ,as the new mouthpiece demands that I do not have to force the high notes. This is taking some getting used to and I have to give the piece of metal at least 6 months before I know if I have made a mistake or got it right?
Its all technical stuff with the majority being in the head? Brain says, high note coming. Mouth and lungs prepare in advance. After that anything could happen lol.
I really am not looking forward to going to work tomorrow and sometimes I feel I could get in the car and keep driving. But I have responsibilities and a self discipline that wont allow this. Yet.
Ever seen the film 10? There are parts in that I can really relate to.
So another week and fresh challenges. Bring it on.....

Angel

Nice little 11 piece gig last night at the Masonic Lodge. One of the trumpet players complimented the Trombones saying we were 'Smooth and delightful' or something like that. Actually the last word could have been frightful so not sure. Dug up some of my garden today to plant veg? next thing I will be buying a shed like me old dad. One of our members of the Band has gone on holiday with her hubby to Bermuda? I have always wondered if they have Dairylea triangles out there? or can you never find them in the fridge? Just a thought.

Judy

Well there was no fight at today's Funeral, but it is the worse language I have heard used in front of a lady vicar. These people belonged on the Jeremy Kyle show. Mind you they have gone back for a booze up ,so I would like to be a fly on the wall when it all kicks off. Strange that yesterday i did a full training session and today my cold seems to have come back to say hello? will it ever end? I am bird sitting at this time so now have added a budgie to my menagerie. it's really quiet in my house...not!

Baton

Trying my first training session today, although not quite rid of the disease yet. I think tomorrow might be interesting as there is a major family feud at a Funeral we are conducting. I caught the backlash of it today so goodness knows what is going to kick off Friday. I like these 4 day weeks the weekend comes much quicker.

banana

A few sight reading numbers last night, but all in all not a bad blow although I do not seem to have much stamina on the new mouthpiece. Today we dressed a lady (my pet hate) who is going to be cremated. In the clothes were Corsets, pants stockings bra's blouses skirts and shoes. the lady was swollen and wet and had skin slip. This is the real world and why I get so angry about dressing bodies, especially when they are going to be cremated. The clothes had probably not been worn for a while and the body had swollen up and was wet. Me and my mate struggled. I was holding her feet in the air whilst he tried to pull the corsets up. legs akimbo we managed to get them on. Then I grabbed her hands (skin slip is exactly what it sounds like) and pulled her up whilst my mate fastened the bra. The skirt and stockings were a little easier. I need to get the message over here. dressing bodies is not bloody dignified and the loved ones need to think a bit deeper about what it involves. There is no dignity in it at all grrrr. On a lighter note I was very please to find that a web site carries on the work of Enid Blyton and holds some very interesting info on her. I have just finished her life story and still can't believe how she found the time to write so many books. Life for me reading those books as a lad was a much safer place. yet in my mind it is a place I can still touch so it shows you how good a writer she was.

Of Course

A cultural weekend to boot. At a place called Thrumpton yesterday (Not Trumpton of Cuthbert. Dibble, Grub fame) and such delights as Clay Pigeon shooting. Dog and Falcon displays. You could also pay to take your dog over the assault course. Only it isn't my dog but I got volunteered to run him over the fences and through the tunnels etc. Heard the dulcet tones of a Brass Band playing in the distance. Turns out I know the Bass bone player and text him whilst he is playing. His mobile is obviously buzzing in his pocket so when he got the chance he scanned the crowd to find me. They sounded like a second section Band but were only a 4th, which was surprising. Back to Dead world today and I am still trying to shake the tail end of this cold away. I want to start training again before I reach 30 stone. Managed a little practice and I hope my lip is as good as last week.

Eggzactly

A very pleasant day at a local beauty spot yesterday and hardly a nose blow in sight!! Had the dog with us so disappeared at every opportunity with him. Managed a 30 minute blow when I got home. I am just starting to drop a bit of weight off and now I have got loads of Easter Eggs to munch through. Oh well it's a hard task but someone has to do it?

Bunny

Sat with an inane grin on my face last night watching Britain's got Talent. A lady walked on stage who looked liked she had been pulled through a hedge backwards. before she opened her mouth, the audience were laughing and being cruel (including the panel) However when she said she wanted to sing like Elaine Paige the crowd laughed. only when she started to sing, she had the voice of an angel and the crowd stood as one to applaud her. It is still a primitive world we live in when the human race still judges a book by it's cover?
Felt uncomfortable in Town yesterday as a tableaux of the Crucifixion came parading through the shops. Only thing is the man on the cross was a Jamaican guy being whipped by 2 Jamaican guards as they wended their way through town. I watched a mix reaction from the public including one woman with 2 kids shout 'That has ****** ****** me off that has' great role model for the children don't you think. I don't know but it all felt extremely surreal and I am not sure that was the correct way to get the message across.

Coach

Whilst in town today, came upon a Greyhound rescue display. Went to stroke one and he just rested his head on my arm and looked into my eyes.? This is the sort of dog I want when I get chance. Absolutely dignified and a great temperament. More to be said than me ,who is on day 10 of an unmovable cold. Fed up now.

Timmy

This is not a Good Friday this is still a very cold filled Friday. Grey day but motivated enough to blow for half an hour on new mouthpiece. To early to get settled into it yet so will take a few months me thinks. I have to say that I have been lazy today spending at least an hour on a very scary game called Project Zero. But then again I love adventures and games that make you think. I am half way through reading about Enid Blyton (my saviour when I was a kid) For saying how squeaky clean she was, she still had time to get married, mess around and write all those stories. I could quite easy escape for hours on end with a jam butty and the Famous Five. A very safe world in the book, but I doubt if kids of today would get anything out of them, as no stabbings or violence, just fizzy pop, sunshine and adventure. Those were the days.

Hangar

Hooray my new mouthpiece has arrived. Boo I still have a cold. Went to fetch a coffin from the manufacturers today. Stood in the corner, was what can only be described as a wardrobe. Only it was a coffin for a recently deceased 40 stone person!!! You only have to imagine the struggle those involved are going to have. From the nurses to the poor undertakers (poor being the operative word) I know of one local firm that insist on carrying everything. cos it looks good. They have just started to realise, after being short of man power due to losing work staff off with bad backs etc, that it ain't wise. Still a great row going on on the Michael Parkinson site. Great fun.

Boy

7 days on and I am still full of it (mucus not the other) However saying that I was extremely pleased with my playing last night. 4 solos including 2 jazz. The lushy ones went well without any splits or fluffs and my Janet and John Jazz was passable. I am a happy teddy, if a snotty one.
I also got into a bit of a forum war on the Michael Parkinson web site about his views on Jade Goody. I was replying to those with rose coloured specs who think the world is a twee place with no problems. These are the types who think that the 2 small lads who stabbed and beat the other 2 are just ickle boys and it's not there fault!!!!!! I had my say.

Parky

Going to play in Band tonight even though I am still snuffling and coughing up aliens. Pleased to see that the celeb Michael Parkinson has spoken out about the Jade Goody fiasco. He has had the courage to voice, what I am sure the majority of people dare not. Work mates were talking about our local Supermarket and tell me that it took 1.7 million last week?? Remembering the 70s we must have been flipping starving as we only had the corner shop (shut on Sundays and Wednesday afternoon) and the local Fine Fare. What are people doing with all this food...oh I know...getting fat.

Eliza

After digging up the garden yesterday I really had over done things and the virus game me a kick in the goolies to let me know. Woke up Monday still streaming so need to make a decision if I am going to blow tomorrow? One of the Funerals today disgusted me. One of the mourners wore a baseball cap throughout the service, chewed gum and never took his hands out of his pockets? Mind you when his Father was asked where they wanted to be driven back to, he turned to his partner and said 'What's that f*****g pub called up town'
Lovely people. But the scary thing is, they think they are fine? I call these types 'The Jeremy Kyle Clan' so if you have never watched his show you will be lost by that, and if you have you will know what I mean. No new mouthpiece yet so can't start on serious practice although I did try a blow yesterday. In between coughs I manage the solo 'To Little Time' it took me 35 minutes!

Carrier

This is the SAS of virus's. I decided to spring clean today (blokes cleaning is much different than girlie cleaning and is done at turbo speed) after an hour of shoveling the muck off the carpet I was corpsed! Correct decision about missing tonight though ,although I really need to get blowing again soon. So I have changed the bed hoovered and dusted (I was trained to kill people in the Army and I am dusting!!) and it feels as though I have run the Marathon! I have got through 5 hankies and numerous packets of kleenex and still dripping like a tap. The next time anyone comes near me with a cold i am not going to be very nice to them. Listened to Radio derby and the presenter said they had been to a Concert and sat next to him was a bloke with a very noisy paper bag that he kept reaching into for sweets but the bag was very noisy then this blokes mobile went off? These are the people who I have always said live in a 'bubble' they see nothing but themselves and are oblivious to all around them. Gosh I wish I had been there. Bubbles burst you know.

Spot the Bone. (only one in step?) VIDEO

I come into the shot left corner 9-10seconds in red plume helmet. This is the last performance of the Mass Cavalry Bands before Amalgamations and Redundancies. In the last shot you can see the mounted Bands at the rear of Earls Court. Proud moment.

Donkey

Still coughing up things that look like alien slime so have definitely pulled out of Sundays blow. Met my partner in town (the one that gave me the disease) and we both sat coughing in the corner of a cafe (you can't beat these intimate moments). Bumped into a couple of regulars from the audience who still didn't realise I had finished fronting for good? They paid some really nice compliments, but I don't do compliments really as I get very embarrassed. Had a bet on the National. My work mates scoffed because I always put money on a 100 to 1 outsider. They said I had no chance........ha. A 100 to 1 outsider won it.......but not mine as it tripped on the way to the start line.
My new mouthpiece has not arrived yet and I want to get cracking on it as soon as chest is clear. Now for a nice lay down splutter.

Rattle

Ok, so the lurgy finally defeated me yesterday and I had to leave work early. I searched my cupboard for medicine and found and old bottle of cough syrup. I took one swig and promptly spit it out. It's use by date was 4 years ago (shows you how often I get ill). Had to struggle to the chemist whilst I was freezing my gonads off to get pills and potions. In bed at 9pm and conked out. Had to cancel my blow this weekend as no way can I take a breath without coughing. On a positive note I had a nice e mail from South Australia reference my web site regarding Anxiety and depression. He said I had inspired him to write his own story and thanked me, but I thanked him for having the courage to share and doing his bit to dispel the stigma still attached to this awful illness.

Titanic

I did not think that this cold could get any worse, but it has. When I woke this morning I had to use a chisel to open my nostrils up. Doing a burial of ashes my nose was streaming and it nearly turned into a burial at sea!! I haven't played for days. I cant as if I blow I just start coughing. Maybe it will do me good to have a rest and start again. When I had dug the hole for the ashes I just wanted to get in and get warm. Man flu...much worse than girlie colds.

Hazel

I am so glad I pulled out of last nights Concert. By 7pm I felt really ill and went to bed. However for the next 12 hours I just tossed and turned sweating then cold ,bed clothes off, bed clothes on. In fact there hasn't been so much action in my bedroom for years? I dropped off at about 6.30am only for the alarm to go off a half hour later. I made work ok but been on reserve batteries all day. In that time though I dressed 2 bodies, did their hair ,stitched mouths and drove on a Funeral. Now I am completely boll****. On my third sn*t rag now so hopefully it is breaking and tomorrow will be a better day. The only tunes I will be doing tonight are the ones that you suck.
I was talking to a mate about driving a couple of weeks ago. My mate said to me, that the most dangerous thing in a car was the nut behind the wheel? So I took the nut off my steering wheel and lost control, crashing my car. My mate gives real duff advice!!