Steak Out

There is a certain road I stop on every morning, if I am running early for work. I always park in the same place and eat a banana and drink water, checking my e mails and relishing in my last few moments of freedom.

This morning I heard a tap on the window and what I can only describe as a hooded skank stood outside my car?

I opened the window and he said 'Can yer tell me why yer parked here'? Deciphering this guttural language into English, I realised he wanted to know what I was doing there?

I explained back in his language 'Yer Im avin me brekkie before going to wok'

He stared at me and replied 'Well me mam is worried cos your parked oppsit er house'

Now I can only figure that his mam, could only see the black waistcoat, white shirt and black tie' and was worried that her cultivation of marijuana maybe being kept under observation.

Anyway, I explained that I was an Undertaker and told his 'mam' not to worry!!!!

However, the situation was not helped by me having an old Police jacket on the back seat of my car. of which he had spotted.

He wandered off muttering to himself.

I can't wait for work on Friday now as I am going to park in exactly the same place!! just to see what happens next.

Got drenched today on a Funeral. The folk who had brollies were in no hurry to move as we stood in the pouring rain?
,
I am extremely impressed and pleased. My book (I can say that now) well the first one at least, has arrived from the USA. It is better quality than I ever could have imagined and I am well happy with it.
If the Diary of a Big Band one, turns out half as well, I will be very very happy.

FFF>PPP

It would seem, that my salmonella chicken and dry toast diet is beginning to work, as my cholesterol levels have fallen to the Governments guide lines??? All my blood tests came back normal, apart from the fact, that I might be pregnant!!!

I think audience power struck a blow for sensibility. Last weeks Concert was horrendous because it was too loud. A few complaints from the listeners, to the Band leader and last night was much better. It is a shame, that it had to take a slap on the wrist in some departments to achieve this??

Dreams are strange things. My work mate tells me that he had a dream last night and I was in it??? Apparently I was telling him to go to the toilet? He then woke up at 4am to find his tummy gurgling ominously and had to rush to the bog, where the world fell out of his bot!!!
He blames it on a rogue sausage roll!! but can't explain why I had to invade his dreams to tell him?
No wonder I am knackered all the time if I am visiting folk in the night?

Nigh

Had to do a Linford Christie to the bog yesterday??? which probably means that the contaminated Chicken I had Sunday, decided to make a reappearance.

Mind you. colonic irrigation is supposed to be good for you?


The Band are struggling to find a drummer for an up and coming gig. Unfortunately, the Barrack room lawyer syndrome came into play, distracting the organisation of a perfectly competent drummer to do the gig. Some people shout the loudest, but actually do the bare minimum.

I actually had a Pro Drummer on standby to come all the way from London (a friend) to do the Gig??? They say no one is indispensable, but a Band without a drummer is as useful as a Jockey without a Horse?

There was a programme on last night, about Ambulances moving obese people. Well, it is the same as dressing overweight people. It is horrible, undignified and should only be allowed on Burials and if the person has asked for it, themselves.

Some say that it would upset people if they knew how much manipulating of the body has to take place to get on, socks, Pants, vest, shirt, jumper trousers , jackets etc etc. Bodies sometimes leak from every orifice and the more you move them, the worse the problem becomes. If you are not aware of the whole picture, then how can you make an informed choice???

The bloke who predicted the end of the world last Saturday may have been a tenth right. What with a Tornado in the USA, High winds in the UK and the continued bombings around the world, it was an easy mistake to make.

A little girl comes home from school and says to her mum. 'Ive been expelled for using the 'C' word.

Her Mum say's 'It's not clever, is it'
No she innocently replies it was C**t!!!!

Sorry!!!
I am stil awaiting the results of a Blood test I had a week ago.
Mind you it is the NHS. The No Hurry Service.

Sam and Ella

Having got to bed at 2am Sunday morning I decided to have a late lunch. I am no Gordon Ramsey (although I can swear as well as him) and put the oven on to cook some chicken and chips (eat your heart out Delia). Haven taken the chicken out of the freezer!!!! I put it straight in the cooker for 45 minutes. I had my dinner whilst enthralled with Britain's Got talent. I realised half way through the meal that the chicken was tough and when I looked down,,,was still bloody!!!!! Oh no I thought. I am in trouble here.

2 hours later and I was still fine?

So it looks like I can digest Salmonella without problems, but a slice of bread will have me running to the loo??

It was extremely bad manners for the supporting act on Saturday night, to walk straight in front of our vocalist as she was singing.

I figure, that our vocalist was so much better than her, that she had to have a closer listen, as she thought she might be miming.

Another good blowing night last night and my lip is the best it has been for a long time.

The pessimist in me say's it wont last.

The Optimist, say's it wont either???

Baps Out

I think, that most musicians like practicing in a bathroom or toilet? If there is a bit of an echo it helps with pitching and usually sounds great.
Last night we played for a 1940's Dance in a massive aircraft hangar. It was a bit of a disastrous start,as the dancers leaped to the Dance Floor but one couple knocked over a Trombonists music stand in there eagerness, with music and beer flying everywhere. Just like pro's though, we kept going ,although the Trombonist was trying to scoop his amber nectar back in his glass.
It was a great night, with most folk dressed in 1940s garb. One lady had a massive bussom which she had obviously polished especially for the occasion (I understand that Pledge is very good for this sort of buff up job?) She was proud of them and the Band certainly had no complaints. At one point I put my head down in line with her chest and said 'Oooh look, a pawn brokers sign' Hope that was not classed as sexual harassment? (I don't care cos i enjoyed it)
It was a long long journey to the venue and my mate (the nameless) Trumpet player with a huge wallet! asked me if I would use Beatrice, my Sat Nav, as his, Daphne, was having her circuits manicured? I did and off we went. Now Beatrice tries to find the easiest Way to a venue. On this occasion she wanted to take us down the M6 Toll. My mate, being of Jewish leanings? said 'no way' so we did an 80 mile detour to miss it. This threw Beatrice into a Female strop (you know the sort chaps) and she went into a sulk.
On the way back, my mate decided to fire up his Daphne as he reckoned she was more efficient!!
I now am calling my mate 'Zebedee' because on the way back, we went around the same roundabout (without indicating) about 5 times!!!!!
Bloody good Gig though and I had 3 solos in the second half. I wish you could 'can' a moment as the Bathroom Acoustics helped me play 'Song of India' the best I have ever played it.
We had to finish at 11pm then another act was closing the show. Wondering how we could clear the stage so we did not have to wait, we came up with the cunning plane to play 'Skin Deep' and whilst the drummer was soloing, we would pack the band away in 5 minutes flat, leaving just him playing at the end and the Band walking on to play the last 7 notes.
It went down a storm, and as one audience member said 'That was fantastic'
Sure was. A great night and one that makes you proud to be a musician.

Where's yer bin?

Just a couple of new examples of Barmy Britain.
We have all seen these huge advertising poster for Cars and Mobiles etc.
Well which person in their right mind, put up a huge poster advertising a new TV programme called 'The Walking Dead' outside a Funeral Parlour.

I have had a huge pack of information sent from my local Council this morning informing me of me new Bin Collection date.
It has always been on a Friday for the last umpteen years.
They inform me, at great cost, that it is now changing to a ....Friday??

You could not make it up?

Absolutely tired out again today, but making myself go to Town for lunch. If I just sit down, I will fall asleep? Trouble is, this is going to be one long day.....

Ex Whom?

I have asked a work mate , to have a word with one of the local vicars.

I am fed up of being sent to a particular Churchyard, to dig a hole for an Ash casket, only to find myself digging up human remains???

This is a designated piece of ground, that is obviously over some unmarked graves from 100s of years ago. The term Rest in Peace, means just that and I am sick of digging up leg bones, parts of skulls and a jaw bones complete with teeth!!! My name is not Tony Robinson and this is not Time team.

I am unbelievably tired again and can't wait to get the results of my recent Blood test to see if I am anaemic at all. If I do need a pint of blood I will request someones like Lindford Christie so I can at least have a burst of energy?

Busy, blowing weekend ahead and then the week starts all over again. Oh Joy!!!