Boiling Point

Just to allay any fears and despite what you read in the papers. People do not die in Alphabetical Order!

Do you want to know what cold is.
Cold is standing in a graveyard this morning with the wind cutting through your 5 Thermal vests and re enforced Long Johns. That's bloody cold folks.
I stood there thinking to myself that there must be more to life than this? But then I realised that this was it. Living the dream?
Despite a couple of nice comments I was not that happy with my playing last night. I could blame it on the convector heater that had warmed our instruments to 90 degrees Fahrenheit but if I am honest it was just a poor lip?
Nice to see an old singer of the Band in the audience last night. It was a poor turnout though and if it wasn't for our new MC inviting a few folks to listen to him, it would have been almost empty. We were competing with another Band that night and unfortuntely we lost.

Mints

You know you are doing something wrong when you try to seize the day and you miss!!
Went to my first Xmas fayre yesterday (for those that are interested then yes I have got my decorations up!) and won a cuddly polar bear!! As my street cred was rapidly going down hill I gave it to a mother for her little girl. Which reminds me of the Mummy and baby Polar bear walking in the snow. The baby looks up and says 'Mum are you sure I am a Polar Bear?' Yes, says mum. Baby bear says 'Are you quite sure? Yes repeats Mum why do you ask?
Because I am bloody freezing says the baby bear!!
I have been helping my partner try and get a new dido rail for her lounge. She keeps telling me off as I go in the shop and ask for a 'dildo' rail! No sense of humour these women?
I have a feeling that the next few weeks are going to be extremely challenging for me (not that I need anymore challenges thanks) but will keep you posted.

Tea Leaf

Don't forget, you can't take it with you. If you could, Hearses would come with roof racks?

Last night I purchased a jumper at a well known Supermarket. When I got it home and tried it on I thought I had developed a a large lump in my back? Before I changed my name to Quasi and started ringing bells, I realised I had walked out the shop with the security tag still in place. No alarms went off. The thing is I had paid for it and had the receipt, but when I took it back you would have think I had nicked it with the suspicious looks I got??? I am sure they still did not believe me when they handed me back the item???

I had every intention of going back to the doc this week but kept putting it off with the blokes logic that 'maybe it will get better tomorrow' It hasn't and I still feel as though I have run a marathon every day? Maybe it's the SAD syndrome and my guts are out in sympathy or I really do have IBS or something. Whatever it is, I have not had a drink for over 3 months and it has not made much difference? apart from the Stella shares going down in value?

Equasionally Give

They say that 2 can live as cheaply as 1? That's very true if the other one has lock jaw?
I have been thinking....yes I know. If the population of the UK is approximately 60 million? Then how come I give to Children in Need and they take about 30 million?? Now if that is so then the percentage of children taken from the 60 million means they would get at least a million pounds each? That's a lot of pocket money? I am sure someone will put me right on this? My partner assures me that it is just aimed at the UK?
I have been trying to work out if I can take early retirement. I figure that if I live off a can of beans and a banana a day and never go out, then I can. Otherwise I will be about 103 when I can finally relax? Meanwhile the scum bags around the corner from me who have never had a job in their lives, have just taken delivery of a 42" Plasma TV!!!! Life is so fair isn't it.

Harper tunity

They say that there is no fool like an old fool, but some kids of today can offer some stiff competition. Such as the ones who now like to walk slowly across roads showing no fear as they slow down traffic. That is until they have me drive at them....I get fairly close and I know one day that I will clip one of these imbeciles, but at least they wont do it again in a hurry!
I usually scorn people who queue for hours for the New Year sales. So why then did I stand in line for an hour yesterday to meet Robert Lindsay (My Family) so he could sign a copy of his book? I got him to sign it to the Musical Undertaker which opened up a quick dialogue about why? Anyway got to shake his hand and I went away £20 lighter.
The day started oddly with me going to watch the city's premier showing as what was billed 'The most Terrifying Film of 2009'
This was entitled Paranormal Activity, which was shot on a budget of £36.50p but had taken millions in the USA. Before the film came to the UK there was footage of Cinema audiences literally jumping out of their seats?
So it was with some anticipation I took my seat in the Cinema. I am not joking when I tell you that there was only one other person in the 250 seat theater. They sat 3 rows from the front and I took the back row. So why is it then, that just as the film started, a couple came in and sat on the same row as me and only 3 seats away????? Not only that, they proceeded to talk throughout the whole film. was it scary.... Listen. I have seen more things in my life that you could only imagine in your worse nightmares ,so the answer is no. The only film that has ever made me jump is Exorcist 3 and I defy you to watch it on your own in a darkened room. If you do I would wear 2 pair of pants. Just in case.

Pontoon

I went to a Buddhist Supermarket yesterday. I purchased a can of coke and gave her a £20 note. I got nothing back so I asked where my change was. She said 'Change comes from within????'

When I warm up before a concert I can usually tell if my lip is on form or I am going to struggle. Apart from one jazzer, I had a good night last night playing Song of India and Send in the Clowns and another superbly keyed jazzer! The other jazz number was a skin of the teeth job.

Something happened last night that reinforced my theory about different sections. Whilst 76% of the Band had the number 'Under my Skin' in front of them, another section misheard. Now taking the fact that in front of them was a vocalist waiting to sing and the number they had up was an instrumental you would think the proverbial penny would have dropped????

But no!! Off we went and the section with the wrong number up kept going. So it was a case of 12 musicians playing the correct number and 4 doggedly sticking to what they had. The scary thing is that they did not realise ,which, as I have said for many years, if you don't listen to whats happening around you then whats the point?

I think the word is oblivious, but what really scares me is 4 of them kept going? and did not realise??? Be afraid, be very afraid!!!!

Lil

I took out a second mortgage so that I could go and watch a film at the Cinema. What with a coffee and bottle of water I think it came to £356.65p! Only 6 of us in the theatre and we all sat huddled together as the Air Con had been set at minus twenty!! I was bloody freezing and as the film was 3 hours in length (2 hours of adverts etc) I came out looking like a bloody smurf!!!
Seeing my guts are giving me a hugely bad time ,I have decided to go down the Homeopathic route and try charcoal tablets. I am sure it would be cheaper for me to go down an abandoned mine and dig up a bit of the stuff myself but hey I will give it a try.
Musically I am reliving my youth with a 'Chicago' album at the moment. Bloody tight brass section and some good tunes.
We have a a saying in the Funeral world. Live every day as if it were your last...cos one day you will be right!!!!!