Alladin

Had an idea in the middle of the night (I get my best ideas then, but Sandra Bullock is not always available!)
After watching some antique challenge programmes, I thought I would buy myself a Victorian Oil Lamp.
This I did and after a bit of haggling, got £15 knocked off what was an already expensive item.
This is where my brilliant idea fell apart. My 3am brain wave ,was to buy some scented oil and fill up the lamp. Set fire to the wick and hey presto a cheap light and a smelly room (still trying to get rid of fox and hedgehog poo!! odour ) It was then that my partner dropped the bomb Shell. Apparently oil for oil burners is not meant to be burnt!!!! How bloody stupid is that? The clue is in the title. Oil and Burn? But oh no. The oil is only meant to be heated not set fire too!!!
So my next plan is to get a small amount of petrol and soak some cinnamon sticks over night and set fire to that!!! I will make this oil lamp work if it kills me!!!!

What I also saw, was like a scene from the Glenn Miller story, with yet another old Trombone for sale (see above) however they wanted £85 for it and the slide did not work? I think it was Victorian though (a little like my playing)!

A fascinating programme on the box this week about the human body. You can't tell me, that there is nothing after this life, with the complex structure of human beings. Over a million things are happening in your body in just 60 seconds!!!
Apparently, we only use one third of our brains? I wonder what happens to the other third!!!

With Fries

I went for my free health check yesterday.
Hi said the Nurse.
Hi I replied.
Hi said the Nurse again.
Ermmm Hello I replied.
Hi repeated the Nurse.

Look I said with frustration, I keep saying hello to you??
No you pillock, she replied. All your readings are to high.
Your Weight.
Your Cholesterol.
Your Blood Sugars.
Your Hair line!!!!

Ok, I made that one up.

So after trying to lead an healthy life and exercising 3 times a week, I am going to adopt my mates life style.
MacDonalds every Day. 5 Pints of Lager a night. And absolutely no exercise at all.

His levels are spot on.

By the way, did you know that Burglars get there own paper, telling them when your house is empty.
All they do is look in the obituary column of the local rag and find out when you are attending a Funeral.
Happened to one of our families. they got back from burying there Dad and found the house had been ransacked.
There is a way to stop this.
If you put in the paper, all enquires to the Funeral Director, then there is less chance of you being robbed.
There is also another way.
Get the Burglar and chop his hands off!!!
It would work every time.

Note Blogger went down today and I lost Thursday!!!!!

Butchers Dog

Had a phone call from Bank yesterday, asking if my employer had cancelled the missing cheques? No, was the answer. Good they said, as we have found them?? As an apology please accept this £25. No I said, all I wanted was my wages. If people did not make mistakes ,then they would not put rubbers on the end of pencils, I told her, knowingly.

Oh thank you she said.

Now I am beginning to notice a pattern here. Trying to do the right thing, is not all it's made out to be?

Remember the Fox's pooing on my step because I forgot to feed them? Remember me treading in it and walking it into my carpet. A positive action equals a negative reward?

Remember me being the sole donator to the Forces Charity? and playing in a Concert for free.

So that would have been a total of £45 in my pocket if ,I had been cut throat? and taken the money.

How come then, that I get home last night and my TV has broken and it will cost £50 to mend it??? Something wrong here!!!

Feel drained again today? I have trained twice this week with no problem at all, but today have no energy? It's all very strange.

However, I am going for a free health check later. They do Blood pressure, Height and Weight, Cholesterol and Diabetes.

Well I know for a fact that my BP is low when at home, but if I see a Doctor or a Nurse, up it shoots. I know for a fact that I am overweight according to Government statistics? I also know, that despite not having a frying pan in the house, only eating Chicken and Fish and never using butter or drinking milk and exercising 3 times a week , that I will have high cholesterol!!!

So why am I going?

Well, its Free!!!!!!!

Brief

Please allow me to give you my interpretation of Ironic.

A couple of weeks ago, I was asked to play with a Band I had never played with before, who were doing a Concert for the charity Help for Heroes.

I was told I would receive expenses of £20. Being ex forces, I turned this down asking instead for it to be donated to the charity.

As you may remember, on the night, not one single person supported the Concert and after an hour we packed up and went home (separately, not together).

Last night I received a n e mail from the organiser, thanking me for my time and donation.

He also enclosed a total fund donated to the charity,

£20!!!!!!

I could have sent it in an envelope and stayed at home!

Have done an Horse Drawn Funeral today. One of the stable lads was saving hard to watch the Grand Prix live in Abu Dabi (or somewhere) and it would cost a couple of grand?

I suddenly thought, that depending how many laps the cars took, lets say 48, then he would only see the cars 48 times and only for a couple of seconds as they whizzed round past him.

He probably would not even be near the finishing line? Expensive couple of minutes that!

Very shocked last night to hear of a fellow musicians marriage breakdown. You could not meet a nicer bloke and on this occasion I am being biased.

Went out for a meal before playing last night.

I like to try new foods and have eaten Shark and Horse etc.

Last night I tried pelican.

It was ok, but when I went to pay, the bill was huge!

Nearer

Sooooo! The Bank finally got in touch and told me that a paranormal universe exists between their letter box and the counter. Anything posted in the box on a Bank Holiday, will disappear in a shimmering cacophony of light and fairy dust! never to be seen again.

Or something like that?

It's gone anyway and now I have to wait while it is proved from my company that the cheques have not been cashed and that could take ages. Which also means ,I am 2 weeks wages down and will have to revert to eating the scraps ,that I sometime feed the loose bowel-ed fox's!


To be fair, they have offered me £25 compensation, which completely p***ed me off as I hate this compensation culture. I told them that I just wanted my wages and nothing else.



Any donations please fold and send to me via 'The Old Decrepit Trombonists Society)

N.B I think the Fairy Dust has now spread!!! A Crematorium has just rang to ask where the paperwork is for a Funeral we are doing in a couple of days.

The paperwork was delivered by hand yesterday and given to a member of staff of the said crematorium!!!! (wonder if they have my wages as well?)

I am listening to James Horners marvelous soundtrack to Titanic again. It's amazing, how music can make a tragedy, mysterious and romantic and yet if you had played the music over the tannoy of the real sinking Titanic, it would not have made a jot of difference to the fear and despair felt by the doomed passengers!!


I must admit, that I have one big ambition left (apart from moving to Staithes) and that is, to play on a Film Soundtrack. Any Film soundtrack. I would even pay them to do it!!!!!

Ping Pong

This looking after the wild animals lark, isn't all it's made out to be?

I regularly feed the wild fox's outside my house.When I don't, they leave a small deposit on my Garden.

Last night, after Band, I sat in the living room watching tv, when I caught a whiff of an awful smell.

First thoughts were, that it was me.

With horror though, I realised that a Fox had pooed on my path and I had stood in it and walked it into the house.

It was everywhere, and I still have the lingering whiff of hedgehog poo as well.
I am afraid in this situation Shake and Vac is bloody useless!!!

My Bank has a customer charter that guarantees to look after you.
Why is it then ,that they have lost my wages. Promised to ring me today to sort it out and didn't. Kept me waiting on a 0845 number, only to be told that the Bank was now closed!!!!
I can feel a bit of a battle approaching.

I had a lip like old leather again last night, but managed to squeeze out a couple of solo's?
Thinking back, it was a well balanced night.

We had to do a Funeral recently where plain clothed police people had to mingle with the mourners in case of trouble??
Has the world really gone that mad?

I read another saying today, which no doubt will become a favourite.

By Bob Dylan it reads.

If you don't believe theirs a price.
For this sweet paradise.
Just remind me, to show you the scars.

In some lives, so true.

Twin Peaks

Oh how strange we humans are.
Ok, I will rephrase that.
Oh, how strange I am.
When my Trombone is stood in the middle of my lounge and is calling out 'practice me' 'practice me'
Then I sometimes can't be bothered.
But when it's not there and being repaired, I get withdrawal symptoms and desperately want to play?
A psychiatrist would have a field day with that!

On that subject, my favourite quote from the Psychiatrists chair.

I hate being Bipolar, it's great!!!

Noticed today that a Sunday newspaper is publishing photo's of Kate Middletons Sister, Pippa, with her paps out!!!
Now what possible good, can this do her reputation. Taken on a private yacht from a distance. with a camera lens so big, you could take a picture of our Trumpet players wallet from 10 miles (ok you could probably see it with the naked eye from that far). It just spoils, what was a great day for England and starts to cheapen it.
I bet the Queen will love that!

I have now been an undertaker for about 12 years. I have been a musician for 45 years!
However if I am stood outside a church or at the Crem, more people know my other Funeral colleagues, than know me?
Which just goes to prove, that death is more popular than music!!!