I was at a loose end yesterday. My girlfriend had gone off to Surrey on a 'How to murder your partner in 25 different way's' course!!! so I was left on my own.
Then I remembered a card that had been pushed through my letter box. It was a free invite to shop at a hyper market that is usually only open to the trade. I had seen some batteries advertised for cheap so I thought I would go an buy some.
There were no hand baskets available so I took a Trolley. 40 minutes later the trolley was full to overflowing. I had gone round thinking 'oooh that's nice'!!!! and buying all sorts of things, I thought I would need. The worse part was joining the mile long queues to the till. It took about as long to get there as to shop, but with a sense of relief I handed my free pass to the check out operator. He gave a sharp intake of breath and said 'Sorry mate, you need to take this to reception show them 3 types of ID and a utility bill and fill out a form' I replied very politely 'But it doesn't say that on the invitation' The till operator laughed 'No sir'
So here is the question. Did I.
1. Abandon my shopping, drive home to get utility bill' drive back and fill in form, rejoin the now 2 mile long queue
or
B. Make such a fuss that they let me through.
Your guess on a postcard to:- Mr Don't Mess me about I have had a bad week. 17 The Grump. Whingedale.
I have often said, that some folk live their lives as in the film Groundhog Day. They have meals at the same time every day. Do their washing on the same day every week. They also visit the same shops and strength prevail if anything knocks them off course.
So today I can prove this theory.
In the small town that I live, their are about 20 or so shops. One of them is a fairly large Supermarket. Recently bought out by another company, they are now closed for a week for refurbishment. I watched as some folk wandered round in a zombie like state having been dislodged from their usual pattern of activity.
All around the premises is scaffolding and a large wire fence. The door to the Supermarket is open where you can see the workmen beavering (no relation to the Groundhog) away. However there is a small gap between the wire fence and the wall. I watched an old couple looking puzzled that they could not go on their usual tram line into the entrance that they had used for years. However they spotted the gap.
I watched and listened in amazement as the old dear said 'Well, we have never had to go in this way before' as they started to squeeze between the fence and the wall!!!!
Did I do anything????
Of course I did (if you don't know me by now etc etc). I shouted 'Oy.....the shops shut. There is a big clue here with the fence'
Bless them, they did get the message, but also confirmed to me that some folk live in a pre programmed bubble???
Last night we had fireworks. back to my childhood (actually I have never left it) and I spent £10 on a medium size box. (I can't say the name because of advertising, but they were a fairly STANDARD size box!!) We might as well have bought a box of Swann Vesta matches. Lit them and thrown them in the air. Miserable sparks and fizzes that lasted 5 seconds (bit like my love life) and it was all over. However next door was like Beirut. The earth was shaking with the deafening bangs and the rockets almost went into orbit. Goodness knows how much they cost but of course their is a recession on...or is there?
So there I am thinking nothing would happen today. My mate comes running in and tells me that there are 2 policemen looking at my car. I went out and sure enough they were giving it the once over. Straight away i am thinking if my Insurance was up to date or I had Tax. But no. They had spotted an old Police Jacket in the back of my car. Now it does not say Police on it, but it does have the blue and white chequered pattern, of which an inch was showing. So would I be done for trying to impersonate a Police Officer?? Did they think I was going around knocking on old ladies door's to do a security check, then nick their pension books.????
Nope. They told me that someone might damage my car if they thought I was a member of the Law? It was a little naughty of me having it in the back window. But do you know what? I have seen loads of people suddenly putting their Mobile Phones down while driving, so just doing my bit for safety on the roads.
Evening All!
As Undertakers we take life very seriously and never have time to have a laugh as it is a such a sombre job?? However, occasionally, we have to let go? (You will have to view this full size to see what's happening!!)
Myself and a work colleague are trying to organise an all night vigil in a Haunted House. If they give us permission, we aim to do it in the first part of 2011. We would gain sponsorship for a local charity and get some coverage in the press. We would take recording and digital photo equipment just in case. If it is anything like what has happened to my phone since being in the house (I can't do Internet stuff at all now) then we will also need 'wind up' torches, just in case.
At this time we are still awaiting permission from the owners. I think the only thing that will scare me, will be, the unshaven face of my work mate leering down at me in the morning.
This morning I set off early and did a 5 mile detour to bypass the traffic lights. Only thing is, they had taken the traffic lights down and I could have gone the normal route!!!!
A strange thing happened last night. After the first half of the Big band Concert I went for a walk.
Sat ouside and hundled up to the patio heater, were 3 gorgeous young girls..
As I came close to them, one said.
'I would not mind going to bed with you beside me. Your so cute'
Very flattered, I was going to make a 'Bond' style reply. when I realised that I had taken the Band Leaders small puppy out for a walk with me!!!! Oh well, it was nice while it lasted.
As we pulled up at the Crematorium today, 4 people were talking and laughing right next to the Hearse. As we placed the Coffin on our shoulders, they were still laughing. When we came out they were still stood there, noisily talking. They had already been on the Funeral before. To make matters worse, they had a Vicar with them.
Did I say anything???
What do you think. I betcha they never do it again and have a bit more respect next time.
mental note to myself.
'Must get a puppy'
Getting into the Bonfire Spirit of this week. My partner had bought some sparklers to light last night.
We both sat around her dining table for 2 hours and discussed the Health and Safety implications of lighting them.
We then went out to B and Q and purchased 2 flame retardant suits, a hard hat and a fire extinguisher.
We also purchased a large bin to fill with water to place the extinguished firework.
By the time we got home it was 1am, so to late to do anything??
We contacted the Council to ask about the 3 rocks that had fallen on the pavement causing traffic chaos and temporary traffic lights.
They replied that an insurance ombudsman had been contacted and he should be at the incident within 3 weeks!!!! Out of the hundreds of cars with fuming drivers, ours was the only phone call they had received to complain!!! Apathy sweet apathy.
It took me 1 hour to travel the 10 miles of work today.
If your happy and you know it.......move some rocks!!!!
I had to ditch my car this morning and walk to work. After being at the same spot for half an hour in a traffic jam, I knew I would never make work on time. The tail back was horrendous and all because a few rocks had fallen out of someones wall onto the pavement...on Sunday!!!!
So they stuck up temporary traffic lights,that brought gridlock to the small town I was trying to get into.
No doubt they had to call a meeting and sit around a table to discuss the health and safety implications, before they could shovel the half dozen rocks or so, into a trailer.
At 3pm this afternoon they had still not started work.
What has happened to this Country.
'Oooh we can't move that bit of stone, in case we scratch a finger and have to claim'......
Needless to say, I will have the same tomorrow and try and find another way around, of which all the other motorists will be trying to do. When I did get to work it was straight into stitching and dressing bodies.....What happened to the peace and serenity of last week?
Good rehearsal last night and a lot of ground covered. We even did a blast from the past called 'March of the Mod's
I knew the tune, but for the life of me, can't remember what dance they used to do to it.
Answers on a post card please.
