Pardon Me - All types of Poetry

Pardon Me - All types of Poetry

Adios Amigos

Well folks. I did say in my last blog , that normal service would be resumed as soon as possible. After having seven days, to think about where I go with this Blog, I have decided to finish writing it and this will be my last post.
I hope those that have read it, have got a little enjoyment out of it and I may have made you laugh a little.
I also hope that you have enjoyed my openness and not been to put off by it!
I would like to thank my regular readers for their nice comments and their support and understanding in some of the things that I have written and had to go through.
A special thank you, to my regular reader in Mexico?
Bless you all.
It's now time for me to Blog off.
Thank You.

Tunnel

Finally got an apology from my Bank and my money back? However it did take an e mail to say that I would withdraw my £6.72p and move it elsewhere if they did not get their act together?
Amazing how quick things moved after that.

Watched a prog about Princess Diana last night. At one point they said that when Di looked at you, you never forget it.
I can vouch for this when opening a new wing of a Hospital in Cambridge. She looked across at our Fanfare team and it made a huge impact on all of us?
I wonder if in 50 years time, a secret may be let out about her death?
I am taking a few day's off blogging to spring clean my PC. I have a feather duster a hammer and a screwdriver so it should be fun.
Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible

Sad

My heart goes out. to a fellow Trombone player who is going through a tragic family crisis at this time.
My thoughts are with him and his Family.

Badger

Whats the difference between a number one and a number two?
Well one's a wee and the other is a poo, I hear you shout?
True, but I meant haircut!
For years, I have cut what little hair I have,to a number two thickness?
Sod it, I thought yesterday I will do a number 1?
Well, even though the difference is about a millionth of an inch, I am now completely bald?
Actually that is not quite true, but I dare not brush past Velcro?
Did not think it made a difference, but 2 neighbours today said 'have you lost weight?' as there is something different about you???
So never ever say that size does not matter?

I missed my blow last night, so made up for it by practicing for half an hour, but it certainly isn't the same.

Had to laugh reading one of my partners girlie mags?
A woman went on her Hen night the day before the Ceremony.
She got absolutely bladdered and wandered away from her party.
She awoke the next morning in a strange Hotel. She looked at her watch and it was 10.30am. She was supposed to be at the alter at 9.30am.
Her Family disowned her and her Fiance left her.
Puts my bad weekend into perspective really?

Dracula Lives

Today is relaxing day, I thought as I did my early morning exercises in bed . Up 2 ...3 Down 2...3. Then the other eye lid.
It was nice, therefore, to get a call from my partner asking if I fancied a 'Steak Out'
Treated to lunch. Brill.
Of course in my complicated world, this was not to be.
The Steak was actually a Stake
Turns out that her Mum had taken a call from a bogus repair company, saying they needed to check her drains.
On contacting the company by phone, they had no record of the planned visit.
So armed with my camera, an iron bar and a Styrofoam cup of black coffee (I have watched CSI Miami) I parked at a safe distance from her House.
I pulled the sun visor down and tried to look as inconspicuous as possible (although the black trilby and sun glasses may have been to much)
For the first 30 minutes, all I saw was a horse and rider trotting past my car. As it did so, it took a huge dump right by my open window. Which reminded me, that as I had just eaten, then I would probably be not far behind it?
After an hour of undercover covert operation...sod all happened?
Turns out that they were using another reputable companies name to get work.
The Police have been informed and given her a crime number...hooray.

I have done myself out of a blow tonight, which I am pretty annoyed about.
Envisaging that I would have to front the Band Fri and Sunday, I thought I would get a dep in to cover for me Tuesday. After all I am on hol and up to the phone ringing this morning, did not know where I was going to be? or when I got there, if I would be back in time.
I didn't. I am, and I am bored!

Request Stop!

Waking fresh and alert after 4 hours sleep! I decided to bike into town.
Being an Undertaker for numerous years, I am well aware that your life can be merrily pootling along, but in seconds can change drastically.
Having reached Town via the relatively safe cycle tracks, I found the final part of my route closed.
This now meant I had to negotiate numerous busy pedestrian crossings.
All went well, until I approached, what I thought, was a single bus lane.
The bus to my right had just stopped for a red light, so I started to walk across.
However, it wasn't a single lane but a double and a bus was approaching from the left at about 80mph (ok 30mph but it was bloody fast)
My Guardian Angel must have turned my head to the left, and I caught sight of the 4 ton vehicle inches from my body.
I was almost nose to nose with the bus driver as he screamed and I quote 'You f***ing Twat'
I just had time to wholeheartedly agree with him as I embarrassingly made my way across the road to safety?

They say that your life flashes before your eyes just before a near death experience?
It didn't.
Strangely, my only thought was 'Please don't let Friday nights Dance, be the last one I ever play in'?
So a thank you to my Guardian Angel. The Bus Driver. And for having a spare pair of underpants in my backpack?

Mardy Gras

After a stressful start to my hols I thought things might calm down.
But this is my weird and wonderful life so no chance of that?
Whilst sitting having a rather nice meal and cold pint of lager last night with friends I had not seen for a long time, my mobile began to ring.
It was the Landlord of the pub we play in telling me that he had made a dreadful mistake and we could not have the room.
Bearing in mind, that my partner was looking daggers at me for taking a call at the Dinner table, I realised, that I had to make numerous phone calls to Band and audience alike and less than 24 hours to do it in.
I had also received a call in the week from a lady, asking if the Concert was on, as they were travelling many miles to listen to us. Oh yes I said, it's definitely on!!!!
However. Some inner instinct, had made me write her telephone number down which meant I could call and stop them coming.
I then entered the wonderful world of indigestion!

Having a chat with a fellow musician, it looks as though we are going to suggest, if we can drop the small band, for future bookings.
You have to be a competent player to pull it off, as there is nowhere to hide.
Some musicians play too quietly, because of confidence issues.
Some don't come in at all because they feel exposed.
It's a shame as it was a flexible Band.

Managed a long bike ride today and my favourite job, of cat poo dodge mowing, in the Garden.
Life is good.

Bankers!

2 months ago my Bank lost my wages.
They blamed me and said I needed to cancel my cheques.
2 day's after that, they found them, apologised and offered me compensation, of which I turned down.
Well folk's, they have done it again.
Only this time they have found the deposit envelope, but lost the cheques?
So my holiday has started well thus far and I am relaxed and chilled....not

I am sure a few of the Band are eagerly awaiting my report on last nights gig?
Ok, maybe just me then?
I will say only this.
There are 3 types of people.

Those who make things happen.

Those who watch things happen.

Those who wonder what the hells happening.

Pretty well sums it up really. Those that made things happen, I gave my personal thanks to.
It did not take long.

Despite this we got a great round of applause at the end and I gave out a few business cards.
Which just goes to show, that you can fool some people, some of the time.

I can clarify this by the following.
We played a piece of Glenn Miller Music and I withheld announcing the title, so I could give a prize out to those that guessed it.
First answer 'In the Mood'......wrong.
Second Answer 'Little Brown Jug'......wrong
It took 3 attempts to get American Patrol????
Now it is either, that we played it that bad, that it confused them
Or they were not fan's of 40s music, even though it was a 40s night.
I am sad to say, that on this occasion, I go for the first choice.

Clap your Hands

As I was standing over a decomposing body the other day. Breathing in the putrid fumes and wondering if I should dash to the toilet now or if I could hold on. As I was thinking how tired I was after only a couple of hours sleep,. I thought to myself 'Why am I so unhappy'?
Nope can't put my finger on it?

Was looking forward to quietly coasting into my holiday with a clear and empty mind.
I figure I deserve a break.
Unfortunately an e mail changed all that (whatever happened to the good old phone call?) and I still need to keep focused for a while longer yet.

A bandleader in a posh restaurant made a big mistake by sending a note to one of it's diners.
It was George Bernard Shaw.
The note asked if there was anything he would like the Band to play.
Mr Shaw sent a note back with only two words.
'Yes, Dominoes'?

Pearl

I rang my boss this morning and told him, that because we worked with the public ,I classed myself as a public sector worker and was therefore on strike.

I was in the office for work, at my normal time!!!!

I sometimes have to retrieve locks of hair off bodies to give back to relatives. This is certainly an impossible task for the undertaker when I croak it?

Apparently the police in Cornwall are hunting a serial killer. The murderer uses knitting needles to stab his victims around the Cornish Coast.

They believe he is following some kind of pattern?

A friend of mine got chucked out of the Hilton Hotel last week.

He went down to the reception and asked if the Porn channel was disabled.

They called him a pervert and threw him out?

Feeling Woof

I had to ring up a well know CD shop yesterday and give them a bollocking.

I had ordered a soundtrack over 14 days ago. No one had answered my e mails on the customer help site. No one had returned my calls? I finally got hold of a member of staff, only to be told, that they did not have the CD.

So why are you selling it, if you haven't got it then.

Well we have to order it in.

But it says 2-3 day's dispatch on your web site.

Ah but that's if we have got it in stock.

But your web site said you had it in stock......

Yes, but it's in stock in our warehouse in ....Australia.

10 minutes later we were still at it.

I reversed the logic.

Ok, I told him, what if someone comes and orders a coffin for their loved one and on the day of the Funeral we turned up with just the body laying in the back of the Hearse cos we did not have the coffin after all?

Good point he replied.

Doooooohhhhh, I replied and put the phone down.

This Country is going down the pan.

I enjoyed the blow last night although rumblings are afoot in the section and it is going to get very interesting in the next couple of months (watch this space)

A few people asked me where I was the week before.

I told them that I was looking after a 'Black Dog' for a few day's

Those that know me will understand this.

Those that don't, will have to make do with the excuse?

Can't handle it!

Spent an hour in the Gym and also went on a bike ride. It's amazing what you can do ,after so little sleep?

Actually, last night was the hottest night of the year.
Everyone was moaning how they could not get to sleep.

For once I felt normal!!!

Did not practice last night.

I figured that after a 4 hour blow over the weekend, that I deserved a night off.

Almost had an accident on a Funeral today, when a handle pulled away from the coffin?

The old saying goes ' That's another nail in my coffin'

Well, it ain't nails anymore, but screws, and someone had not tightened them up correctly.

Of course we all blamed each other, as we all make the coffins up.

It would have been embarrassing though, with the coffin on the floor and just the handles in our hands???

My mate, who is learning Saxophone, asked me how I know where to start in the music and finish.......... Nope, not got a clue.

It was noticeable at the weekend, that the biggest round of applause went to the singers and drummer.

Which just goes to show, that folk comprehend how to warble a tune and hit things? But do not understand the technicalities of Brass and reed!!!

Our section, decided not to use our Audio Shields over the weekend as there was not much space. However it soon became apparent that it was a big mistake, as a couple of the trumpet bells were only inches away from our lug holes and we had to resort to the horrible ear plugs yet again.
I think the Army started to realise the hearing damage limitations and got us to set the Band up as above???

Just received some photo's of a birthday party we played at a couple of weeks ago. A few were taken of me dancing with the lady with huge fun bags?
Thank goodnes I was not looking at them when she snapped away???

Me Old.

I bet you any money, that the monster who killed that poor girl Milly (poignant memories of her playing sax ) sleeps well at night.

However.

If I were her parents and going out live on a TV interview I would have offered a large reward to any other prisoner who made his life hell?

Ideally, a lifer who had nothing to lose and his family everything to gain.
I would ensure, that it was a huge sum of money and that he never slept again!!

My feet have not touched the ground today as it has been extremely busy. At one point I was giving out service sheets. Giving out attendance cards. Playing the ingoing music and also carrying the coffin (It is possible if you are quick)
The only pleasure I got today, was chucking rolled up paper at my mates head from the balcony I was standing on.
Ah small things.
I received a Hardback copy of my book today. I was also surprised to receive another book written by a lady in Scotland???
It had my address on the outside and hers on the inside.
I gave her a ring and now have the added task of trying to get it to her.

Scientists have discovered a very rare Rock 'n' Roll Panda.
Apparently it will only eat A Wop Bop a Loo Bap a Lop Bamboo?

wakey Wakey

I have worked out the average sleep I have managed to get over the last 8 days. It works out roughly to 2-3 hours per night. The reason I am sharing this, is, if or when it gets back to normal, I can look back and say , I got through it without letting anyone down.
Went for a long walk with a fellow musician in the break today.
He is suffering similar things to me and we talked about those that we also knew who had it?
We have all become extremely good actors on the outside,whilst an inner turmoil goes off on the inside.
Saying all this. I am still here. Still breathing. Still functioning, albeit, slower.
Lets see what next week brings?

Stay

Desperate for a lay in bed, I had to get up early this morning!!!! I never knew there was an 8am on a Saturday?
Playing for the Armed Forces Weekend on the bandstand in the middle of a park, I figured it would be ok if my partner came to meet me for lunch between performances?
She was looking after the Dog, so a walk in the Park would be nice?
However when she tried to get in, a jobs worth on the gate told her no Dogs allowed?
Having had minimal sleep for the last week or so,I was ready to tear someones head off!
But she would not have it?
She said 'Only guide dog's allowed'.
I said 'Look, she is going out with me, so she must be blind!!!!'
But no.
Not a glimpse of a sense of humour?
It was very surreal therefore that we stopped for a coffee on the way home and I sat in a garden centre in full USA uniform and holding a white West Highland Terrier, attracting strange looks from the customers?
Does not get more weird than that.
Unless I am asleep and dreaming it all???
Shame though, that the typical English Summer, spoilt, what was a great Concert and the Band have never sounded so good.

Measure

You may wish to have an insight into the every day life of an Undertaker.
You may need to know, that every moment, is a serious moment and we are not allowed to have fun.
You may wish to know, what goes on behind the scenes.

Well now you can, by clicking on the title above?
Be warned though.
If you are of a sensitive nature, then the contents may offend.

Greener on the other side?

I think that this lack of sleep is now getting to me!!!

I have just made a donation to a local church, so that I could purchase an old slate off their roof?
Ok, it does date back to 1850 and if could talk, would have some marvelous stories to tell?

But what am I going to do with a piece of old slate????
My House is turning more and more, into a museum of Curiosities (and I include myself in that) and my partner is not impressed at all?

A technical error occurred in the development process of a photograph that was taken of me.
If you look at it from a certain angle, you can see a sprouting of hair through the follicles.

Dennis

Well at least I got a little more kip last night, although I will never completely catch up.

I had a Technicolour dream about being back in the Army (I have these quite regularly in different forms and I am well aware of what they signify)

I was with a fellow Trombone player ( hello Ian ,Gutten Tag Mein Freund) and we were going to play in the Massed Bands.

He had all his Marches on his Lyre, but I couldn't find mine? I decided I would have to blag it and ended up in a right mess, marching in the wrong section of the Band!!! and in the wrong direction.

How weird.

This then woke me with a start!!!

I managed to get off again and then had a much more interesting dream about a female neighbour!!!!!

I am reading a book now, about a man walking the length of the Amazon!! He started with a good friend, but after a few weeks they started to get on each others wick and fell out big time?

This was even before they got to the start of the mighty river.

I think that this strengthens the fact, that we all need our own space and solitude at some times in our lives and I take my wig off, to those that have been married for more than 5 minutes?

A mini stress moment today, when we turned up with the Hearse and the body for Cremation and no one was at the Crematorium.

No Family, No Minister it was like the Mary Celeste!!!

After numerous fruitless phone calls (try saying that 3 times fast.................you did didn't you)

We could not get in contact with anyone???

20 minutes after the stated time, the family and vicar turned up?

They had failed to notify us, that they were having a private Ceremony first!!!

We did not even get an apology!!!

Stress, is only caused by other peoples inconsideration...

and Roses

Duff information yesterday? Today is the longest day and last night was the longest night!!
I have ordered a new book by Bear Grylls.

How to survive on 1 hours sleep a night!!!
Yes folks, the dreaded 'Lay awake all night' head is in situ.
I know what is causing it.
I know it will go away and I will sleep eventually.
But, it is something I would not wish on my worse enemy (well, maybe a couple?)
I have to ride it out as I have no other choice.
It would be much easier if I didn't have to work? but I need to pay my Tax's ,so others can lay in bed all day.
At the moment life is like a lollipop.
It sucks!!